Where do i go......

[Tony29UK]

Ok, I met ‘S’ on Jan 2nd 2006. We were in the supermarket standing near the flowers and I commented to her how pretty they were, we started chatting, I asked her out for a drink and the rest is History.

 

Now ‘S’ is almost 24 and im almost 31. From the ages of 16-20 ‘S’ was in an abusive relationship with a drunk, at 20 she had a baby boy and the drunk left (after selling all ‘S’s property for cash) and was never seen again. ‘S’ rebuilt her life as a single parent and a few years later… enter moi!

 

Now our relationship is generally pretty nice. She’s kind, caring, generous and a great mum. We talk about things, spend a lot of time together do things as a ‘family’. Ok, the boy (who’s almost 4) isn’t mine but I feel some responsibility towards him and really want him to grow up to be a decent individual, so we play, we read, we talk, ‘S’ and I got him his first bike, we go swimming, when he’s bad I exercise discipline (sitting on the naughty step to think about what he’s done but only after explaining why he’s being punished so he understands how to behave) we have had a holiday together, the boy says he loves me, I look after him when ‘S’ has to go out, we take him to and from School, we had our first xmas together.. (ok, I guess your getting the picture!)

 

However, (and theres always a however!) sometimes it just doesn’t feel right. A surrogate father. Ok, I knew this when I got together with ‘S’. I didn’t think it would be too bad, and 90% of the time I actually enjoy it! Just after December I moved an hour away from where ‘S’ lives to be closer to work. Not a problem, I work shifts, 4 days on / 4 days off so we still get to see each other. Ive been spending a lot more time with my old school buddies, going for beers, playing pool etc… and when I go ‘home’ to ‘S’ it doesn’t seem quite enough.

 

Because she has the boy she is unable to work so only gets the state handouts, hence we don’t go out too often because I always end up paying (I have bills to pay too!) when we do go out it has to be organised weeks in advance so she can get a sitter so a spur of the moment ‘do you fancy popping out for last orders’ never happens. I get woken up at 6:30-7am when I stay over (I like to lie in), we get 3 hours a day together whilst he’s at school so we go shopping, go for lunch, go rollerblading and get things done. We collect him from school at 3pm and that’s it…. Lockdown. He’s generally tired. Dinner at 5-5:30, he in bed 6-6:30 we stuck in front of the tv until morning. Sometimes I like to go out on my own or with friends but then I get texts every hour asking what im doing, who I’m with and when I get home I always get ‘ who did you talk to? Any girls? And the whole paranoia thing (im guessing because shes been let down in the past)

 

Her family think im the best thing ever, the kid thinks im a god (and has even started copying my behaviour / actions / sayings) her friends (all single mums) think im great.

 

I just cant help thinking I want more. Someone who has their own cash. Their own job. Its not about having money, more about lifestyle, getting out there and doing things. We don’t have much to talk about except my days at work cos hers are all pretty much the same.

 

Im kinda thinking why am I in this relationship. As a person she is fantastic,as ive stated previously. I know for a fact if I broke up with her she’s be devastated and she’d be feeling like I felt when I got dumped a few years back… it took me months to get over my ex (see previous posts) ok, I got over it… but the thought of doing that to someone else destroys me. Theres the boy, he says he misses me when im not there…. What would it do to him… I know you build your own life, your own fortune / your own mis-fortune… I just feel like im missing out on other stuff…. Id be quite happy single… just enjoying myself, doing what I want, when I wanted, no questions, no restrictions.

 

I think about it more when im on my own, when we’re together its nice, when its lockdown (after 6pm and the boy is in bed) the boredom sets in…our relationship is more like a routine…. However, she is a fantastic person and I cant fault her or the boy…. Where do I go…..

[Mythical_Suicide]

Sounds like you're really not ready for this responsibility and it's time, as much as it's going to hurt that you tell her how you feel. You're not doing her nor her innocent son any justice by sticking around out of guilt. (Which is pretty much what you're doing)

[Tony29UK]

Thats whats so hard. She's fantastic, the boy is great and our realtionship is pretty cool, i know for a fact if i did dump her id miss her. Its just the whole staying in thing, all the time (except for the odd night out, maybe once / twice a month).. sooooo hard.

[Mythical_Suicide]

If you are having an issue with that, then you don't need to be in this.

If you aren't able to settle down and give up the "wild" life ( just wording, not saying u like crazy nights) then you aren't ready for the family life yet.

[friscodj]

I got over it… but the thought of doing that to someone else destroys me. Theres the boy, he says he misses me when im not there…. What would it do to him… I know you build your own life, your own fortune / your own mis-fortune… I just feel like im missing out on other stuff…. Id be quite happy single… just enjoying myself, doing what I want, when I wanted, no questions, no restrictions.

 

I think about it more when im on my own, when we’re together its nice, when its lockdown (after 6pm and the boy is in bed) the boredom sets in…our relationship is more like a routine…. However, she is a fantastic person and I cant fault her or the boy…. Where do I go…..

 

 

Hey Tony-

 

First of all, I really enjoyed reading your post. It is very well written...

 

Secondly, just reading it has me torn as well, so I can imagine being in this situation you are in. It is a tough one for sure...

 

And then, you really met her in a supermarket like that? The people I see in supermarkets always seem so busy and self-absorbed, talking on cell phones and such, generally unapproachable. I'm surprised things like that actually happen!

 

Anyway, I quoted the things which stood out to me the most from reading your post. I would like to add here that I think you have a heart of gold Tony for thinking about the boy and what separating would do to he and his mother. You're a good guy.

 

I also don't think it fair to anyone that you remain in this relationship on this counter-basis. Pretending to want to be there in the name of preservation of a child's feelings is certainly admirable but in time, it will wear on you and I believe you will reach a breaking point with everything and become unable to continue masking the truth of this in this noble light, no matter how bright it is. And the progression to this point will make separation from this bond more difficult and more painful. I believe you shouldn't live your life solely for yourself just as much as you shouldn't live it solely for other people, including children who love you and think you're a god. Remember, it isn't as much you yourself causing his pain, it is the reality and truth of the situation. It isn't working for you, it's tearing you apart, a resolution needed to be reached.

 

It sounds to me like you two are in different phases of your lives and this situation is bringing you down. It sounds like you want out but are concerned with the fallout of such a decision. You mention specifically happiness in being free, unrestricted, and refer to regular times in your relationship as "lockdown". Out of all the words you could have chosen to describe it, you use that one. That says a lot...

 

So that is clear to me, that this isn't working, you guys are in different phases of your lives, and as a result, the frustration is building. It is likely that she sees or senses this as well as evidenced by her paranoia in wanting to check up on you like she does, which exacerbates the co-existent problematic cycle here.

 

Now, what to do about such a situation?

 

Well, I definitely think you should start with a talk. Take this process in manageable steps. Get yourself prepared to the point where emotion is balanced with your logical thought process and view this as just talking, no expectations, no major decision is hinging on the outcome of this talk. Approach it as openly as you can from the angle of trying to figure this thing out. Express what you told us here. Go from there...

 

Maybe you can work this out. You might be surprised to hear how she feels about this as well. Perhaps if nothing else you could remain cordial and visit the boy every so often. There are lots of options here and the path towards a suitable one begins with communication I think, open, honest, and unbiased communication.

[DN]

I realise that you are not married but I do feel that you made at least some sort of similar commitment when you moved in - you must have thought this through to some extent at least. And you obviously have a conscience about it which says a lot for you.

 

But I would advise you to think this through a little further and answer some questions for yourself before you make the big decision as to whether to leave or not.

 

The first and most important question is: do you love her. I mean love her enough to make a relationship last if other problems could be resolved?

 

Other questions:

 

do you think that you could find ways to make the evenings more interesting rather than just watch TV?

 

will there come a time when the child gets older that she could contribute to the income?

 

Would you want children with her?

 

Are there ways that you can interact more interestingly with her and the child- something more stimulating to the mind and that will provide a basis for more interesting conversations?

 

Could you enlist her aid in making the relationship more stimulating and interesting - not just sexually but in many other ways. Is it possible for you to rely on yourselves sometimes to interest each other rather than outside interests.

 

How far outside the box are both of you willing to think and create?

[Tony29UK]

- As Friscodj says, i think an emotionally balanced chat is in order.

 

Thanks for the reply DN

[mintblossom]

if i were a man, i would never go for a girl who was already living on state handouts at age 24. to me, that is a bum. i can understand if someone gets on hardtimes, has to get some help for a period of time, but seriously...beyond that....bum.

[Tony29UK]

With respect, its hardly her fault that her ex left when she had their baby. How would she survive without state handouts... a single mother hardly has time to work as well as bring up a young child, even with him at school for 3 hours a day, its not much is it.... and there are no family members to help out....

[mintblossom]

well, does she have a plan for the future to get off of it? if not...bum.

 

okay, let me clarify. i understand it's difficult for mothers to manage their children, childcare and working. but if they need the money to survive, i think it's stupid to just depend on the state. at least be getting an education or something. i've never had a kid but i know some single mothers and they work, go to school, and manage their kids. i don't know how they do it but i know they juggle childcare, mabe find family member to take care of the kid etc.

 

24 is an age where the girls i know have graduated from college and are working to save up money. i know i work hard everyday to make that happen. i came out of an abusive relationship 6-7 years. had to start out from rock bottom. there's only so long one can ride the "i have a kid so i can't work" excuse.

 

i dunno. i just dont see much of a future there. it's up to you whatever you decide to do.

 

we all make our own beds and we lie in them too. metaphorically, if your bed is a sweet mother dependent on the state for handouts then well....totally not my business.

[Tony29UK]

Of course, in the future when he starts full time schooling. Thanks for your interest...........

(which has zero relevance to my issue...)

 

 

 

 

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