Tony29UK

I'm in shock. I don't know how I should be feeling. I returned from Sydney this morning. Starting my journey with a massive hangover and lack of sleep. Then further lack of sleep on both flights due to neighbour snoring (and theres only so many angles you can sleep in wearing those huge noise reducing headphones they give you, and the earplugs don't stop someone kicking the back of your seat area). Anyway. I eventually landed into Heathrow, still with hangover. I tried calling a cab but couldn't get through, so grabbed a coffee. About to give up on the cab company and get one outside the terminal, then spotted something going on near the information desk. A guy had collapsed. He had wet himself, fallen to the floor and 2 guys were trying to raise help for him. Initially he was breathing. I noticed his bags, saw there was a luggage ID tag for him and a felmale so tried to get them paged. He stopped breathing. For 6 minutes I fought with CPR, with one of the guys, trying to breathe for him, but he was uncontrollably shaking. His wife returned whilst I was working on him, shortly afterwards the paramedics arrived. I couldn't seem to let go of him and the paramedics were happy with what I was doing so I continued the compressions whilst they fought to get a line in and open his airways. To no avail. We shocked him 5 times. Finally after 20 mins of constant CPR they stretchered him out when the second crew arrived. I was fine until I went into the BAA duty managers office for a drink afterwards and saw their bags just sitting there on the way out. 2 cases, 2 bags, 2 hats. I called the hospital to check up on him. He had been pronounced dead on arrival. I'm absolutely gutted. They had just flown in from Sydney on another flight after visiting their family over there. They are the only two over here in the UK and have no relatives here, they're all in Sydney. Part of me feels calm for him as he had just seen all his family, and landed back on his home turf before he passed away. I feel terrible for his wife. What she must be going through. I wan't to go see her but don't think I'll do her any favours. I can't help feeling I could have done more, or something different. He had a heart problem, hadn't taken one of his tablets apparently because the time zones had thrown him off sync. The adrenalin has worn off, it's just hitting me and I don't like how it feels. I'm teary, then feel guilty, then just tired. I just needed to vent. Thanks.

Aw patience. Another valued opinion. I think part of my posting here is for replies just like yours. Bit of a feel good factor.... We shall see... never thought id be discussing my personal problems with complete strangers from thousands of miles away..... nice to know people care.

Hey Big guy, Yeah, ive been reading all your posts Sukerbut. Its so hard. As ive said the ball is back in her court.... i'll give her some thinking space (if she needs it) I guess this was my last-ditch attempt. Its just so hard to judge the situation as when we split it was kind of left as 'we'll see what happens in the future' (ok, an easy let down i know... but what if..). In my head Ive no intention of contacting her unless she contacts me. I've decided that if she does contact me with a view of getting back together then i'll chat, anything else i shall ignore. However , im my heart i know without contact or friendship (communication) theres no chance of anything in the future. I think i'll just keep my head down... if she doesnt call then at least i'll know. if she does call i'll keep posting here and with you guys around i'm sure i'll figure out how to proceed. I know i need to move on, it just doesnt feel right at the moment. i just compare everyone to her. Ive been out, kissed a few other girls, exchanged numbers etc. but theres something missing. Im looking to move to a different area in the new year, fresh start and all that... time will tell...... Am interested to see what happens over the xmas period regarding her calling.., its a lonely time for some (me included)..... im mentally exhausted... head spinning, over analyzing, so many 'what ifs', lack of sleep, cant concentrate at work, hey i still get tearful... all this 2 months down the line

Not sure if i've done the right thing here... too late now tho.... She rang yet again... i didnt answer... i then got a text saying ' look, ring me. if i dont hear from you tonight i guess you dont want your stuff/cash so i'll bin it' I replied, 'thanks for finding cd/dvd, will pop by to collect at some point'. i then got another text saying 'cant you talk to me anymore' I then went for broke . ... 'cant. am still in love with you. Sorry if its not what you want to hear but i cant help it'. That was almost 2 hours ago. didnt get a reply. At least she knows, and the ball is back in her court. maybe i could have played it cooler but emotions are funny things! watch this space i guess..... she's rung every day, sometimes twice a day for the last 4 days and texted too... i wonder if it will stop now i've replied... then where do i go.... back to square one..... aw man....

Thanks heat. Just need to formulate a plan of action!

I know Patience. Just scared of hearing something i dont want to. I'm gonna text her in a day or so regarding my things she has at hers but im sure she'll ask how i am and why i havnt answered her calls.. do i play it cool or put my heart on my sleeve and say im still crazy about her.... I guess shes thinking of me or she wouldnt be calling (the no contact idea was all hers to give me time to get over her) but part of me says its just cos theres no-one else around at the mo. Im sure if she wanted to get back together she would have said something, maybe im just over analyizing (im good at that)... so many variables..... could go either way.... i cant be just a friend...

Aaaaargh!! She just rang again.... Literally 1 minute ago... Didnt answer.... My heart is racing......

well, i got my text. 1am this morning - she wrote 'Hey i guess you're still not ready to speak to me or you hate me. just wanted to say ive found your cd case and dvd.' Again, i didnt reply. sounds like she's feeling a little sorry for herself what with the hate bit, - although i want her to know i dont hate her. I think i will leave it a few days and ignore the first portion of the text and just say thanks for letting me know about the cd case etc... (and maybe i'll mention the cash she owes me..!!) I really feel like asking her why she cares what im upto now after she totally destroyed our relationship but cheating and lying. its like i want to make her feel bad about what she did but i know it wont achieve anything apart from maybe making me feel better for about 10 seconds making her feel bad and pushing me away even more! .....ever wished that you could feel no emotion..... Im still hoping we'll get back together in time but it has to come from her. i realise i can do nothing to influence her decision but it cant happen without communication. however, i dont want to talk and get rejected again - catch 22!! do i really sound like a rational human being! .... its like my life is on hold... guess im still not ready..

Dont be embarrased! When i was younger i used to be petrified of Butterflies!!!! - now thats embarrassing!

Ideally i would love to get back with her. However i know of some recent changes in her life (ie a chap she had a fling with went to Australia for a year today, the original guy she broke up with me for dismissed her in a nightclub when someone prettier came along, arguments with friends etc..) so im thinking she's just feeling deserted and im the back-up plan. I want to tell how how i still love/miss her but am afraid of rejection. I want to answer but am scared of waht i might find... maybe she'll text... then i can reply at my leisure... be soo much easier.... however, part of me really wants to vent off!! if she asks how i am i feel like saying 'why, i though i was the only one who cared in our realtionship ' or similar

Kellbell - You're such a sweetie!!

She just rang again!!! - i didnt answer - no message left... HELP ME!!! .... OK, DEEP BREATHS........AAAaaaaah..... Sooo hard!

Well, firstly RayKay id like to offer my deepest sympathy to you and your family. I'd also like to say NEVER give up hope. My stepmother has suffered from cancer twice. Once was in the thyroid gland which was removed and the cancer remissed, 2nd time was associated with the previous but affecting the lymph nodes/glands, again was removed and again she is living a full active life. A friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years back (not sure what stage) but after a lot of therapy and a mastectomy she also is living a full active life... the marvels of modern medicine........

Ok, so some of you may have read my previous posts about my recent dumping! its been 2 months since the split. she cheated on me and i still got dumped (after alomst 2 years together). well, its still hurts like hell, im still in love with girl (not lust!) and yes i still want her back. Now 17 days ago she said that we should go n/c to give me a chance to get over her, she didnt think we should communicate as i was still in love with her and she didnt want me to read into any friendship stuff. N/C has been the hardest thing ive ever done, however, ive been strong and avoided all contact, despite wanting to text, ring, bump into her, write letters all the time i have done nothing. - last night she rang. It was around 5:30pm just as she would be leaving for work. i didnt answer, she didnt leave a message. Shortly after, i texted her saying sorry missed your call, am at work, whats up. she replied that its been a long time and she was wondering how i am... i didnt reply. i then had another call at 12:50am and another at 01:15am (whilst she was at work) - i didnt answer! so, where do i go from here! if she asks why i didnt pick up do i ignore, do i tell her its because she wanted no contact until i was over her... i want her back soo much.... but is she just ringing to ease her own pain... any thoughts.. ANYONE!

Now up to Day 9 n/c !!! I hate it!!!