update and question

[bighair]

Hi There Friends -

 

Well, about a week ago, I posted on this new man that I met on Match, Amos. He's 45, single dad, and trying to get a wireless tech enterprise off the ground. To recap, we met in Dec, had our first official date on Dec 23rd. I didn't see him duirng the month of January due to holidays, and I moved to a new home and had family here for a while. In the meantime, we'd exchange texts, emails and he'd call now and again.

 

We saw each other again in early Feb. We had a good time. I got a V day card from him...that was nice. We were supposed to go to a mardi gras party together. Amos cancelled saying he had to work on a huge bid. He apologized profusely and ended up coming over that weekend with a bottle of wine. We had a nice time, held hands...very sweet.

 

But, it has been so hard to see him after that. I sent him a couple of texts later that week and rec'd no response. Then, I sent an email a week after the date saying "hey, thinking about you, call me." he did call, we chatted. I said let me know when you're free to go out and stay in touch. He said he was busy the coming weekend because of his son's academic tournament and bday party. Sooooo, one week goes by and I call him to say hello because i haven't doen any of the calling.

 

He calls me back the next evening as I'm walking back from the bus stop to my house after work. He explained that he got that contract (millions of dollars), that things had been crazy for him for the last few days btw. his kid and that contract, he had to go out of town, blah blah...I was congratualted him on the contract. NOw, I'm back home, holding my coat and brief case and asked if i could call in a few minutes after settling in. He said why dont I call you later when you're home because I'd like to make dinner. I said ok...call me back. That was tuesday evening.

 

He never called me back.

 

You know...I'm trying to be understanding here, and keep things in perspective. I haven't known him long. I can't have the "talk" with him. I"m sure he didn't call back because he was busy with the kid, work, the bid, the contract...but days have gone by.

 

So, my friends think it's too soon to push on the where are we going thing, but, I 'd like to tell him that i'd like to talk more and the whole silence btw. meetings drives me crazy.

 

so, i've decided not to call him any more. He really has to initiate with me. My gut tells me he is interested but doesn't have a whole lot of time and is struggling to juggle his responsibilities.

 

At the same time, I like and I don't want to write him off because he has some great qualities that I like in a partner....and, because it's rather early, I'm willing to give it a little bit more time (may-ish) I worry that he isn't interested in me and doesn't know how to get out of this. I'm confused because of the V Day card, he does call....Ugh.

 

My plan is to let him initiate, continue going out w. others. I get lonely, you know.

 

Thanks for listening. Thoughts are appreciated.

[Beec]

It seems to me like you have met a guy who has an awful lot on his plate, and he just does not have the time and energy to date, anyone we'd hope.

 

I think keeping contact with him from time to time, not every week, but space it out more, would be a decent idea, but otherwise, I like the plant o let him initiate, and to continue seeing others.

[hosswhispra]

I agree with Beec's advice, bighair.

 

But I could see that frustrating me a bit because I'd be wondering why he signed up on a dating website if he had a lot on his plate and didn't have time to date

 

I know that you've been doing the internet dating thing for a bit now, bighair. Have you thought about giving yourself a break from it?

[Batya33]

It depends, in part, what your standards are on reliability. I have a lot on my plate as does my boyfriend but if we say we're going to call back we do, barring a crisis or emergency and all that means is that there is a slight delay. This was true in our early dating stages just as much.

 

One of my biggest issues in dating - and when I met men through on line sites I was dating a whole lot - was unreliability. I didn't mind cancelled plans in advance, postponed plans, calling to say he was running late, etc. but if he said he was going to call he should call barring an emergency or crisis. That's because I adhere to the same exact standards for myself. Particularly early on, I watched that carefully because that was when they were on their best behavior.

 

I'd be careful about the texting - because it sounds like it doesn't "feel" the same to you as calling but it is contacting and perhaps at times when the ball is in his court.

 

Of course he should be cut "some" slack because of all his responsibilties but I would be wary of cutting slack on reliability. He had 60 seconds to text you or call to say "just getting back to you quickly but can't talk - I'll call you very soon." Wouldn't you have called back, barring an emergency?

 

I agree it is not time to have "the talk" but if you have to have a "talk" about the basics - i.e. if we are dating we should be seeing each other at least 2-3 times a month (barring emergencies!), if you say you're going to call you should and at the very least who calls who should be 50/50 -- then I say, save your breath - he knows but doesn't want to put in the effort - most likely nothing whatsoever to do with you personally - you sound like a bright, together, cool lady - but who needs to be teaching an adult basic manners (I mean him, not you!).

[Ash]

What do you really know about this person. Is all that he's says undeniably true? That was the exact same sort of thing my ex's husabnd would do ... while he was still married.

 

I'm not saying that he's not totally honest, but it seems odd to me that everything else he says is 100% on the money and the only thing he doesn't get right is communicating with you? I'm sorry, I really don't mean to rain on your parade, but is he coming accross as totally sincere ALL the time?

 

In a practical sense, multi million dollar contracts are rare for startup companies. They do happen of course but not all that often. Is he heading up this effort? If he is, then he may very well find he has no time and if he's not making time at the beginning of a relationship then he's not particularly likely to start doing so as the relationship moves on.

 

If you're serious about wanting to continue, I would recommend you either talk through this issue, or let this one go. If you can't get this out of the way now it will get bigger and you may be more and more alone trying to stay in contact and missing out on what I think the whole point of dating and having a relationship in the first place which is ... companionship.

[bighair]

Thanks for your responses.

 

Hoss - I've thought about taking a break from on line dating. But, I am so ready to meet someone and the whole on line thing is nice because I am busy (like all of us) and I don't want to meet men in bars. I know that on line dating attracts a lot of ambivalent people, people who play games, or who are into cyber flirting, etc...But, I can't tell you how many people I've met who have meet their husbands and wives on line and happily married. So, I stay with internet dating because of all of these stories.

 

I guess I am taking Amos' actions personally. It feels like a rejection. Somehow, I feel like if Amos liked me more or better, he'd want to see me. His on line profile is hidden by the way and has been since soon after we met. So, he isn't pursuing women on Match.

 

I dated a single father for many years and know that courtship with a parent does not follow the traditional course. Their time is divided and the weekends w. their children are sacred. So, I didn't see my ex every weekend when we first got together. And, it took some time to see him when he had his son. So, I know that things with Amos will progress (if all goes well) this way too.

 

but, what isn't cool with me is not taking the time to email or text me. I may be to blame for some of this because Amos liked to text me regularly but wasn't making a plan to see me (during the month of jan)...and, he cancelled a date to see me (because of work) and so i wrote an email to him saying that i'd prefer to spend time with as opposed to texting and to let me know when he's free to get together. then, we saw each other twice in feb and he called me to say hi as well.

 

so, i do like him but i'm not willing to call him and ask him out. he has to initiate because, as i explained it feels like a rejection when he says he's too busy to see me.

 

hope i've made sense.

[Batya33]

You make perfect sense. That is good that he hid his profile. I would advise checking around to see if he is on other sites so that you can get more information on his time commitments.

[bighair]

yes, i plan on telling amos how i end up feelin when he doesn't call me more often...something light like...hey i sure like talkin to you...it would be nice to hear from you more often.

 

but, i plan on having the "talk" in may-ish. i want to say something like: you seem to be really busy and you don't have much time to get to know me. do you see that changing?

 

i think it takes time for people to adjust their lives when a new person enters their lives. so, time will tell.

[Batya33]

Consider this. If he told the other party in his multimillion dollar contract "hi, I'm too busy to speak right now but I'll call you back later tonight, ok?" and didn't call and hadn't called three days later, do you think he'd have this contract?

[bighair]

batya -

 

well, he would never tell a client that he'd call back for fear of losing the contract. and, i would not blow off a client either depending upon the circumstances. so, while i see the point you're trying to make, it's just not a realistic analogy. i think our partners expect us to be more flexible with them....and i'm willing to do that so long as it is reciprocal. if amos emailed me and said i'm thinking about you, sorry i've been out of touch, i'll call as soon as i can, just have a lot going on w. work....well, i can work with that (at this stage). i cannot, however, deal with his silence and inattentiveness.

[Batya33]

Ahh ok I understand your standards. To explain mine (because I don't want to be seen as inflexible when it comes to reliability/consideration for my time), when a new man in my life says he will call me back that night - or at a specific time the next day, or the next week, etc I expect him to call me back around the time he promised barring a crisis and when the crisis passes, I expect him to call me back and apologize for not calling me back when he said he would and explain what happened. I'm fine with a casual "I'll call you soon" - that can mean anything at all - an hour, a day, a week, longer.

 

If he were my partner - my serious boyfriend - and he had a track record of reliability (if he didn't he wouldn't be my serious boyfriend) occasional unreliability would be fine, depending on why and depending on how he was with others I suppose. But when it's a new man and that's how he's behaving early on - I see at least yellow if not red flags. But that is because reliability - and consideration for my time - are high up on my list of priorities in a potential partner and it's something I look for when getting to know someone.

 

That's cool if you're fine with his behavior - no judgments here!

[ghost69]

i almost always contact a woman i'm interested in...especially when i say i will.