Need some advice on this situation (long)

[SunnyWA]

Folks - I am a new member of this forum and really appreciate you insights or advice on my situation. Sometimes I feel I know the answer but at other times I am confused and would really appreciate hearing someone else's perspective.

 

So, I take dance lessons from this teacher who recently broke up with a 10 year relationship. She is perhaps the sweetest person in the world that I have met recently. I've had three relationships in the past that lasted from 2 years to 6 years. Breaking up was excrutiating but I guess it happened. I have realized over years that I was trying to be too nice and force someone to love me and give everything I had. Ultimately, I was left unappreciated, broken hearted, in pain...but a bit more wiser.

 

Anywho, so I have been doing Ballroom dancing for past two years. I've had a number of teachers in the past - young and old - most of them very attractive. However, there is something about this teacher (she is three years younger than I am) that continues to draw me towards her.

 

My heart races when I see her (she is beautiful but I mostly love her because she and I connect very well in terms of talking, discussing life, etc.).

 

Sometimes we will go out to drink or grab dinner together, either after my dance class or otherwise. However, I try to keep it very low profile and not go overboard. I mean I will casually ask her if she has eaten something and if she wants to go grab a bite since I'm hungry. She usually goes with me - once a week. She does not go out with any of her other "students" and usually introduces me as a "friend" to her other friends. In fact, one of her newer students (first time dancer) had a big crush on her and sent her a long "love letter" as she told me. She told that student she does not go out on dates or dinners with her students. She then told me she likes to go out with me as she finds me "emotionally mature" and she "likes me very much".

 

However, under that emotionally mature demeanor, there is a storm raging inside my heart because I feel I am getting drawn to her more and more and my heart is in total chaos, although I don't say anything to her. Unlike other students, who keep giving her compliments and gifts or flowers, I have only given her a set of books on dancing. I also don't give her much compliments but we keep cracking jokes at each other and making each other laugh although I do talk to her about serious things like her future plans, etc. Since she recently broke up with her 10 year relationship (boyfriend), her life has literally turned upside down. She had to move into a newer place and start working harder to pay her bills, etc. I continue to look at that transformation from the side.

 

I am not sure what to do. Should I continue to pretend I am the way I am - meaning not say anything to her about me "falling in love with her" or giving her gifts, etc.? When she told me she "likes" me, I also told her that I "like her very much". On one hand, deep inside my heart, I want to run and hug her and tell her that I love her. But my experience has taught me to hold steady and not show any emotions right now. Part of me also is very scared - since I've been burnt a few times in the past where I committed to loving someone for the rest of my life and realized that never happened. I'm afraid that I may open myself up and get hurt. I also feel that she has just broken up with her 10 year relationship so perhaps I am becoming the "rebound" guy - which makes me nervous as hell.

 

I really would like to be with this woman but I am not sure what to do. At one point, I was thinking I should tell her that I will be taking lessons from another teacher (to which I am afraid she will perhaps feel hurt and completely cut off interaction with me) and also admit to her that I have some very "strong feelings" for her and that I wish to "step back" as those feelings are making me nervous.

 

I mean, I have not dated anyone for the past two years, although I have a lot of female friends. I am really confused.

 

Should I tell her about my feelings and also tell her I am stepping back? Should I change teachers now that she considers me a "good friend" and likes to go out with me? Should I continue to play along and just keep seeing her once a week, not calling her in the week (which I never do), not emailing her and only interact with her when I see her?

 

What do you all recommend?

[robowarrior]

Time to keep your emotional 'cool'

 

She clearly states she has fallen for your emotional maturity, so keep up the humor , and just go with the flow, the only thing you shouldn't do is panic or send gifts, gifts maby only for occasional days.

 

Just keep on doing what you did so far, and you'd be ok.

[Batya33]

I would not use the L word other than "Like" until you have been dating seriously and steadily for at least a few months - right now part of what is attracting you might be that she is a bit unattainable.

 

I would ask her out on a date for a Saturday night - in advance - at least 4 days in advance - you can do this in person or by phone. That will send the clear signal of your intentions.

 

I do not ballroom dance but several friends and many acquaintances do and I can see where you could get attached to a teacher/fellow dancer.

 

Also - watch out a bit - that she told you about the love letter could mean a signal to you that she only likes you as a friend or it could mean she is well aware of how "popular" she is. Not sure why else she would share that in that way (i.e. the details about the love letter etc)

 

As far as being too nice - not wanting to that is - I can totally relate - and that's why I suggesting asking her out on a proper date - that is not "too nice" - it's normal behavior for a man interested in a lady and it's not overboard either (don't pick the fanciest most romantic restaurant in town but something nicer than casual - and no flowers, gifts, etc . .. yet.)

[wordup8]

I am going to give you some advice from what I have just experienced.

Take it REALLY REALLY SLOW. I know you have all these infatuation feeling for her, probably because:

1. she is a woman.

2. you are spending time with her

3. you find her attractive

If you want to know, I just got booted from a girl I was dating and I feel I was the robund guy... do I regret not taking it slower?? yes .. actually, I kinda do. if you want to read more of my story, I have a post up... somewhere.

Just hang out and get to know her more... and if it goes somewhere, great.

If not, you might have made the best friend you've ever had.

now, what you do is up to you.

I hope only the best for you.

[Batya33]

If he does that he might miss out because some other guy may be courting her. My boyfriend got the same advice about me when we reconnected after being apart for 8 years. We had three platonic dates almost exactly like the OP described and after date two his best friend advised him not to ask me whether we could start dating again for exactly the reasons you gave. He was leaving town for a few months and frankly if he had waited much longer I probably would have gotten more serious with the guy I was dating casually.

[studbaker99]

"As far as being too nice - not wanting to that is - I can totally relate - and that's why I suggesting asking her out on a proper date - that is not "too nice" - it's normal behavior for a man interested in a lady and it's not overboard either (don't pick the fanciest most romantic restaurant in town but something nicer than casual - and no flowers, gifts, etc . .. yet.)"

 

I'd say go for broke. In a gentle way. Right now you're risking falling into the 'nice guy' syndrome. Let your emotions come out and express to her your interest in more than just 'friends'. Asking her to go out outside of your formalized pattern of interactions would definitely be risky for you, but it would bring the issue of wether she thinks of you as a friend or something more to the forefront. It doesn't have to be anything too formal , something like 'hey there's a concert on saturday would u like to go' and see what she says. A yes will be a good start, a no might still be saved, depending on if she gives you an alternate option.

 

The question is wether you can handle the answer, whichever way it ends up going. Or, you can do the 'nice guy' thing and keep going at it, slow and steady, hoping that each time you see her will be the time that she finally falls for you.