Annoyed by a sudden twist...

[DinkyTeacup]

My boyfriend and I make a year next Sunday and I am happy, but at the same time, I'm worried about something.

 

About two weeks ago, we had a very serious conversation that ended with us both in tears. He ended up confessing that he isn't sure if he can one day handle marriage and having children. Admittedly so, I was devastated when he said those things, because my biggest dreams are to marry and have a family.

 

I love him so dearly and want him to be the one who makes these dreams come true.

 

The next day, we talked about the conversation from the night before and he apologized for having made me cry and said that he just feels this way because he's been so stressed out lately because of his job and he had some car insurance issues that he had to sort out. We also hadn't really seen each other much for a while, because he had a lot of work to do for school.

 

When we'd first started dating, he used to make comments such as, "I can't wait for us to have a baby," and "How exciting it will be when we have our own house!"

 

He told me that he just doesn't want to talk about the topics of marriage and kids for a while so that he can sort his thoughts and then make a decision about whether or not he will want these things some day.

 

I'm worried that he will just string me along for years and then disappoint me by deciding against all of what I've dreamed of always having. Our best friends spoke to him in private and then let me know that I shouldn't bring up the subject for a while and to just let him take it slow.

 

They are expecting their first child any day now, and they said that perhaps he'll be encouraged that everything will be fine once he sees how they handle it (they're married, as well). They think he just needs to see that although both are big commitments, anyone can handle them if they have love and support in their lives.

 

I'm still worried and I hate feeling this way. I love him and don't want to ever lose him. When do you think I should bring up the subject again? How do you think I should open it up for discussion? I'm not trying to rush him. He still has a few years to go before he gets his bachelor's degree and all, but I just want to make sure that we won't end up turning 26 and then he tells me that he doesn't want to marry or have a family.

 

Please help. Any advice will be appreciated.

[amtjrtcet]

Hey teacup. Don't get too discouraged yet. He may honestly just feel this way right now b/c of everything that he has goin on right now. I'm completely overwhelmed with my career, 2nd job, goin to nursing school and the other day I was late and thought I might be pregnant-I totally freaked out! I'm not pregnant, completely relieved, but I definitely want kids, just not right now.

 

I wouldn't bring it up again any time soon. Let him get his life straightend out some.

[ghost69]

how old is he? anwyays, i don't condone marriage until at least after 25 years old. but to each his own.

 

talking about marriage and a kid is one thing. acting upon it is different. if he has a lot of things going on right now, this is just more for him to worry about.

[lady00]

 

About two weeks ago, we had a very serious conversation that ended with us both in tears. He ended up confessing that he isn't sure if he can one day handle marriage and having children. Admittedly so, I was devastated when he said those things, because my biggest dreams are to marry and have a family.

 

Hmm...well this is a red flag to me. I think most of the time when someone expresses fear of marriage and children, or other forms of committment, they are really expressing a fear of settling down with the particular person they are with at the moment. That is just my opinion though. Anytime a guy has asked me for space or time to think about committment, it has meant for me that their gut is saying that they do not want to be committed to me.

 

Are there any other issues in the relationship? Do you think he's getting too comfortable or taking you for granted?

[ghost69]

i don't think that is fear of the person they are with at all. you should feel completely comfortable with going further. marriage and kids is a huge deal and really has nothing to do with who you are with. i mean yeah, you want to be with someone you love and want to be with, but that aspect of life is huge. i can totally see why he is insecure about it. i don't think it has anything to do with you as being the one to do it with.

[DinkyTeacup]

how old is he? anwyays, i don't condone marriage until at least after 25 years old. but to each his own.

 

talking about marriage and a kid is one thing. acting upon it is different. If he has a lot of things going on right now, this is just more for him to worry about.

 

He turns 23 this May. If we were to get married, it would be after we're both at least 24 or 25. But I just don't want to arrive at that point, and then it's no go.

[DinkyTeacup]

Are there any other issues in the relationship? Do you think he's getting too comfortable or taking you for granted?

 

We don't have any other issues. He's a hard worker and very affectionate and we have an awesome relationship.

 

I just think that all of the every day issues that he was dealing with got to be too stressful. His exact words were: "If I can barely handle something like a car insurance issue, imagine! I'll be a horrible parent. I'll be a failure."

 

I feel like that sometimes too when I'm stressed, but isn't that normal?

[DinkyTeacup]

I wouldn't bring it up again any time soon. Let him get his life straightend out some.

 

Our best friends said the same thing. I'm just wondering when would be a good time to bring it up in the future and how do I open that conversation up?

[lady00]

I know some will disagree with me here but I truly don't believe in having a fear of committment. I think it's one thing for someone to not want to have children too early on in life before they have everything settled (career etc) that they want settled but to fear having kids and marriage and a greater committment...I think that's different...I think if you are head over heels in love with the person of your dreams, it probably won't be a question in your mind that you dream of eventually having children and getting married.

 

Now, there are some people who truly don't feel they are cut out for marriage and kids but I would hazard a guess that they are in the minority compared to the people who aren't sure they have found the person they want to committ to yet.

 

I'm not saying you won't be that person, but I am saying that maybe you should withdraw a bit and check yourself...ask yourself (1) Is this the person I want to be with forever, (2) Does this man realize how valuable I am? (3) Does he take me for granted? (4) Am I too wrapped up in him?

[lady00]

 

 

I just think that all of the every day issues that he was dealing with got to be too stressful. His exact words were: "If I can barely handle something like a car insurance issue, imagine! I'll be a horrible parent. I'll be a failure."

 

I feel like thats sometimes too when I'm stressed, but isn't that normal?

 

Well, this is different. Fear of being a good parent is quite different from fear of being a parent. I think everyone who is planning on kids probably fears they won't be a good enough parent.

[Bankers24]

My ex said the same thing, but we ended up married. THEN we ended up divorced not even a year later because he couldn't keep his thingy to himself and decided he NEVER wanted children. It is a HUGE red flag to me.

 

Just watch for other signs!! Be careful because in my experience if someone thinks they will be a bad father there is probably a reason to WHY they think that.

[DinkyTeacup]

I understand exactly what you're saying.

 

He had a sad childhood and his parents have not been the best. He's had no examples to go by of what a loving husband or father should be like. That said, I know that a rational person can figure it out most of the time on their own. He's been a very loving, respectful man, but I just think he feels that he will fail because his parents have always told him that he is a failure (and for no reason- they're bad people).

[DinkyTeacup]

My ex said the same thing, but we ended up married. THEN we ended up divorced not even a year later because he couldn't keep his thingy to himself and decided he NEVER wanted children. It is a HUGE red flag to me.

 

Just watch for other signs!! Be careful because in my experience if someone thinks they will be a bad father there is probably a reason to WHY they think that.

 

I think he thinks he will fail as a husband and parent because his father was a bad husband and father and he fears he will fall to the same fate.

[ghost69]

maybe hang out with some couples that are married and have kids. he could start feeling comfortable. it sounds as if he wants to but it scared of it at the same time. i wouldn't push if he isn't comfortable though. i don't think it has anything to do with it being you though.

[DinkyTeacup]

maybe hang out with some couples that are married and have kids. he could start feeling comfortable. it sounds as if he wants to but it scared of it at the same time. i wouldn't push if he isn't comfortable though. i don't think it has anything to do with it being you though.

 

Thanks. I know he loves me. It's not a question of whether or not he wants it to be me. He's made it quite clear that he knows he'd never find another me if he lost me.

 

Our closest friends are two married couples, one who has a oneyear old daughter and the other, like I said, is expecting their first baby (a girl) any day now. He's excited about their baby's arrival, which makes me happy. He's also great around kids. Whenever he interacts with our friends' baby, he seems like a natural at it and he always has the biggest grin on his face. I guess he just needs encouragement to feel comfortable with the idea that he'll be a great husband and father, too some day.

 

I won't push it. I know it wouldn't improve matters.

 

Thanks for your advice. Thank you all!

[ghost69]

a lot of the time the SO doesn't give the other person time to adjust. this ends up in them splitting. a lot of people want different things in life, but just at different times in their lives. he will come around. he really didn't say he didn't want that.

[isidore]

In my opinion 22 is horribly, horribly young to be considering marriage. You can bet that he was being dead honest when he told you how he felt about it. To explain it away later with some line about car insurance stress is ludicrous. You two might simply consider living and enjoying life for another ten years or so. If you're still enamored of each other after that then consider marriage (if you must). As far as kids, what's the hurry?

[DinkyTeacup]

In my opinion 22 is horribly, horribly young to be considering marriage. You can bet that he was being dead honest when he told you how he felt about it. To explain it away later with some line about car insurance stress is ludicrous. You two might simply consider living and enjoying life for another ten years or so. If you're still enamored of each other after that then consider marriage (if you must). As far as kids, what's the hurry?

 

I'm not the average 22-year-old. I'm not into clubbing or parties or things like that. Neither is he. We're both homey types. We enjoy bookstores, bowling, restaurants, walks in the park, reading together. We're more mature than most people our age.

 

I know I'm young, but I just feel ready for marriage and motherhood. I don't think it's wrong to feel this way just because I only graduated from high school about four years ago. I see life differently from the average college kid. When I picture having a house and kids and a husband, I feel like I can't wait to get there. Of course, I'll enjoy the ride up until I do get there, but I know that it's what I want.

 

Mean while, I work, go to concerts with friends and my boyfriend, spend time with my family, write and travel a bit every now and then. I love my life, but I want to move forward with my boyfriend.

 

I understand he's scared. It's natural.

[DinkyTeacup]

a lot of the time the SO doesn't give the other person time to adjust. this ends up in them splitting. a lot of people want different things in life, but just at different times in their lives. he will come around. he really didn't say he didn't want that.

 

Yeah, I'm just going to give him the space to breathe. I won't bring it up again for a long while.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

"I'm not the average 22-year-old. I'm not into clubbing or parties or things like that. Neither is he. We're both homey types. We enjoy bookstores, bowling, restaurants, walks in the park, reading together. We're more mature than most people our age.

 

I know I'm young, but I just feel ready for marriage and motherhood. I don't think it's wrong to feel this way just because I only graduated from high school about four years ago. I see life differently from the average college kid. When I picture having a house and kids and a husband, I feel like I can't wait to get there. Of course, I'll enjoy the ride up until I do get there, but I know that it's what I want."

 

I was exactly how you described at 22. I was not the average 22 year year old. I preferred (still do) quiet nights at home, a quiet glass of wine with a good friend, I enjoy reading, and so forth. I was a college student and received my Master's at 25. I felt I was way ahead of others and at 25, I felt I was ready for marriage and kids and all that.

 

Now that I am 30, things have changed for me drastically since then. I am still into the same past times now as I was at 22. But, believe me, you will grow and change over the years. Trust me on this one, I felt the same way at 22 and used the same argument or scenario as you did in your post. There is absolutely no hurry to get married or to have kids.

 

I can somewhat understand your boyfriend's reservations about being a good husband and dad BUT he needs to understand (if he is as mature as you describe him to be) he is in charge of his own actions and the course of his life. Lots of people underwent bad childhoods and turned out to be wonderful parents. I don't know, that whole talk you had last night would (for me at least) change the whole dynamic of the relationship and probably not for the better. I think if it were me, I would lose a lot of trust. But that is me.

 

I would continue to communicate and keep a sharp eye on matters. I do not doubt you are mature and so forth, but sometimes maturity is not the be all end all sign of being ready for marriage. It also means that BOTH persons have to feel ready and really want it to work.

[Siriana]

Well first thing I wanted to say and that has nothing to do with your bf, but with things in general, is that being 22 and 23 is young and being 26 and not married is still young.

I am shure you are responsible and smart 22 year old.

I am 26 right now and I guarantee you that between 22 and 26 there are a lot of new things going to happen.

It's not about partying, getting drunk, I was never that type, I am moderate in drinking, in partying, I like to read, to take care of my plants and many other less exciting stuff....but your views on things drasticly change with experience, especially in yout 20-ties. I think thats the time of maturing enough to be a parent and to take care of adoult world problems.

Thats the reason I don't want to get married right now...I have this feeling I need at least two more years of maturing to get married.

 

I finished uni at 24, than I found my first job, I want to have some working experience and if possible steady job, I want to travel a little bit, to buy furniture for my place, to learn another foreign language... I think all these things will help me to be able to function in marriage.

It is better to enter a marriage as a formed person with some achievemnt that made you feel complete as a person without being married.

 

 

Now when it comes to your bf.

He's 23.

He's very young.

And his answer to you is saying how he's not ready for marriage.

When you're ready some daily annoyances can't discourage you from getting married. They are just one part of your life picture.

Is he going to be able to get married at 26? Who knows...

He's got some maturing to do. That could last 3 or 10 years.

I personnaly thing 23 is way too young for a guy to get married. I tend to thing we girls mature at a higher speed. Thats the reason why usually our partners are 2 or 3 years older than we are.

 

Are you studying?

In case you're not put some effort in that. It will take you a few years of life and broaden your perspective..

If yes, wait till you finish school and start working.

 

IMHO you don't need to worry yet about the fact your bf is not ready for marriage.

...even if things don't work out, at 26 you're not old...but you'll have more experience.

At such a young age it is very smart to be in a relationship longer.

 

If you were 30 my advice would be completely different.

[kellbell]

Yes, syrix is right. 26 is NOT old!!! Even if things do not work out with your boyfriend and you are 26, you STILL have plenty of time to get married and have kids. Sheesh, I guess I am old lady at 30.

[Siriana]

Oh Kellbell you're only few years from retirement!

You're very, very old.

lol

[TheFoglifter]

You have to be VERY VERY careful how you handle this because if you are too forceful, it will become a sore subject and erupt into an argument every time. It could get to the point where just watching TV and seeing a wedding could result in a huge argument.

 

I understand that your clock is ticking and you don't want to wait too much longer, but this is just how it goes. If he is the one you want to be with, then you have to wait until he makes a clear decision either way. I understand you don't want to wait 5 years only to be told he doesn't want what you want, but at this point in time you have to make the best decision you can with WHAT YOU KNOW at THIS time.

[kellbell]

Thanks syrix!! I will request a walker this Christmas. hehe...

 

But seriously, teacup, I can totally understand you not wanting to "waste" your childbearing years and so forth. I can definitely empathize with that. But you still have plenty of time. When things are meant to be, they will be. You cannot force it. But if this makes you feel any better, I have a very close friend, I have known for 12 years, she has had her share of relationships and was in one with a guy for about 3 years. She thought he was the one. Turned out he was not. She broke up with him and this all happened when she was like 30-31. A year later, she met an awesome guy, got married within a year. Thy got settled in their careers, bought a house, traveled, and have NO DEBT, except the house of course. They had some trouble concieving but she called me a few weeks back and she is 4 months pregnant!! And she is 37. She is doing fine, she is very healthy and has so much to offer the baby.

 

So life does not end after 26, or even after 30. You still have plenty of time. Enjoy the time with your boyfriend and things will happen if they are meant to be.