Ex-Girlfriend is Pregnant shortly after breakup

[dumpster]

I'm devastated and want to hate her. She and I dated long distance on'n'off for 18 years. She went away to go to college to get her Masters degree that got her the career she has now. She worked hard to get where she is at. A career that is limited to the big city...a life which I don't like. I live in a smaller place about 4 hours from her. She's doing so well that she bought her own home. She wanted space for kids down the road. I wasn't happy about her home buying, because I thought it meant she would never come to me. When we reached 32 (we're both 35 now) she started talking about security and stability in life. She saves for the future and all that stuff, but I don't think it's all that important right now. Money isn't everything and she should understand that & stop being so serious about it. She likes the community I live in (resort town) and tried to find a job here - no luck. I work in a trade and could have moved to where she was (lots of jobs), but I was afraid of leaving my life incase it didn't work. She doesn't always enjoy her career, so I think she should've moved here and taken a secretary job. She always seemed to meet other guys while we were living apart, and I didn't want to move to where she was when that was happening. We would ultimately get back together. I wanted her to move here, because she likes it and I love it. I had lots of work opportunity where she lives...but she had no opportunities in her career here. I don't own a home and I haven't even saved for one & housing is very expensive in my town. My girlfriend talked to me about saving and getting a job for a long time. I chose not to work for about 3 years. I wanted to have fun and hang out. That used to bug her. She'd ask me to get a job so we could save for a future. She would try and get me to save a couple hundred bucks a month. I pay cheap rent and should have been able to save something I guess. When I chose not to work, she was trying to plan a cheap vacation to Asia...I wanted to go - but didn't go with her. She went alone. I didn't want her to go alone.

 

Now, she met someone else again and accidentally got pregnant - so it's over for good now. I know she feels terrible...and she acknowledges her mistakes, but she also said that I didn't give her the security she needed in a long term relationship. I wasn't growing up. She got tired of my lifestyle. She didn't want to have to be the responsible one all the time. Is she somewhat right? Did I make any mistakes in this relationship? I'm just trying to figure out how this came to be...we loved each other so much. Why was she such a goddam mod edit?

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone

 

She saves for the future and all that stuff, but I don't think it's all that important right now.

 

that is why it is called "saving for the future." the money is not important for right now, it's important for later, for her family, and for herself in retirement.

 

it sounds like you two are on different paths. if I may ask, after 18 years, why didn't you guys make it official? you say you have been together 'on and off', I don't necessarily think she was trying to be mean, maybe you two just grew apart and had different plans for your lives. i can definitely see things from her point of view, while it can be fun to date a free-spirit, sometimes you just hit the point in your life where you are looking to be more grounded.

 

good luck

[Hope75]

Hi There and Welcome to enotalone.

 

You know, I don't know if she was necessarily 'right' and you were 'wrong', but you definitely seem to have some seriously incompatible values.

 

I would be more like her in that I am a planner and an organizer and I think it's important while I am young and able to work, that I save for a future when I may not be so lucky (as in, a stay at home/work part time parent, or when I retire, or should I become disabled.) For me, having that security means alot and it decreases my anxiety about my future, because I know that I have a 'nest egg'.

 

Owning a home is also something that is important to me and symbolizes stablility and security... my bf and I own our own home and are very proud of it.

 

I can also see your point of view that you want to 'be free' and enjoy yourself, and that is totally fine for you to do-- but just as you don't expect yourself to bend to accommodate your ex's way of life, you can't expect her to bend to accommodate yours.

 

And after 18 years, I think it's reasonable that she wanted/expected a bit more from the relationship in terms of security and stability, and if you weren't ready for that, it is reasonable that you parted ways.

 

I got the impression here:

 

She saves for the future and all that stuff, but I don't think it's all that important right now. Money isn't everything and she should understand that & stop being so serious about it.

That you were expecting her to change her values to suit you- and I think that's where you went wrong.

 

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you though.

[rocio]

I do think that you messed up. Sorry if that's not quite what you wanted to hear. You guys had different values, and that's okay. That's simply a question of compatibility and there's no right or wrong way to feel about money and stability. BUT you love this woman and she's been your main interest for nearly 2 decades. You passed that up and for what? A fun lifestyle? I just hope it was worth it for you.

 

In the end, though, maybe it was for the best. Perhaps if you had settled down, got a better job, and started investing and saving, you wouldn't have been truly happy. Perhaps you would have resented her for that. Maybe you would have developed an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship where she simply bossed you around. That's no fun.

 

Anyway, what's done is done, right? Time to meet a new woman who has values closer to yours. I'm sorry about your loss. It must really hurt to know that she's carrying a life inside her that she shares with another man. Try not to hate her, but I do understand that the healing process may take a while for you. I wish you all the best. Feel free to hang out on this website when you're going through rough times. The posters on here can be lifesavers.

[Dako]

Welcome to the forum.

 

Sorry you're having to deal with such a blow.

18 years is a long time. I suspect you both were pretty comfortable with your relationship to last that long.

 

It'll take time to recover, but afterward, you may find someone with your sort of desires and lifestyle.

 

I don't think either of you were right or wrong.

[sophie274]

I selected the parts of your post that struck me the most.

 

It seems obvious you two have different values. She was into settling down, nesting, building the future, and you are into living "in the moment". I don't think it could have worked out unless you agreed with her to settle down ... and at 35 I think she was right not to wait for you. If you are not ready to work and take on some responsibility then, when will you be?

 

Forgive my honesty, but it sounds like you were quite selfish in the relationship. You refused to move to her area even though there were plenty of jobs available to you there, yet expected her to get a secretary job to live with you? And making her essentially take a pay cut even though you had no place to live there and no money saved up?

 

After 18 years, she was probably tired of waiting. You say you didn't want to move in case it didn't work out - after 18 years?. I think she was right in assuming that if you couldn't commit by that time, you likely never would.

 

I'm really sorry that you find yourself dealing with a painful break-up, but from all the info you have given us it sounds like it may have been for the best. Once you both heal, you will both have the opportunity to meet people who are more compatible for the long term.

[annie24]

I work in a trade and could have moved to where she was (lots of jobs), but I was afraid of leaving my life incase it didn't work.

 

it sounds like you weren't ever 100% sure that this relationship was right for you. why not?

 

As a side note, I own my home, and i've found it gives me a sense of freedom. i can paint my walls whatever color I like, I can decorate it how I want. And I am paying money to myself instead of to a slum lord. when I sell my place one day, i will see that money again, unlike renting where it is gone forever. just my take on home ownership.

[isisastaria]

Whenever someone we love has done something that hurts us, we tend to become extremely angry. Just admit that the woman you wanted to consider being with for a long time will not be with you for now. Does that mean she HAS to be with the father of the baby? Are you willing to deal with the father in her life if you were to stay with her?

 

I'm sure you've already considered these points I'm making. But I think it's important you see this as it is. You are suffering a loss. So grieve. It will get better, I promise.

[sweetharmony]

I think that is great that she is focusing on her career and went to graduate school, saving for a home, planning and wants stability. She sounds like a very positive woman. and I admire her for not moving to your town and become a secretary. To be honest, her values seem incompatible with yours. I don't want you to take this the harsh way, and who am I to day that your values are wrong, but as someone who is 35, don't you see a reason to plan for your future? regardless of whether you want kids or not, don't you wish to use the $ you are investing for a nest egg, whether for you and your future family. Partying is fun, but you can do both. Responsibility is maturity and it seems that she wanted this. Don't hate her. If you truly want a woman who has no goals but to party, there are people out there like that.

[Gracelove]

It sounds like you guys are on different pages. She seems more ambitious. Is sounds like she was interested in having a future with you which is why she was doing so much planning.

However, at the time you were interested in partying.

It only seems natural that she would move on.

 

She's buying a home and saving, but you haven't saved.

 

It's not that one is right and the other is wrong it's just THAT YOU GUYS SEEM INCOMPATIBLE. That's it. Sorry, it took a little while to get it out.

 

If you want to plan a future together then you both have to sacrifice. It doesn't make sense for her to move to your neighborhood, and leave her good paying job and home. Espicially to work as a secretary?! I've been a secretary, but if I get a job that pays MUCH better I'm not going to want to give that up for less.

 

And why should she move to where you are. You haven't proved to her that you're dependable. She couldn't depend on you to support her, you want to hang out, party, you don't own a place of your own, and you don't seem serious about work.

 

And it also seems selfish that you wouldn't want to move to where she is. Espicially sense you mentioned (twice I think) that there were plenty of opportunities in her town, and no opportunities for her in your town.

 

It seems like you're really demanding and maybe resentful of her in some form or fashion.

It sounds like you didn't want to grow with her, you wanted to pull her back, you wanted her to digress.

 

If you read over your post, I think it's clear that she was better off moving on, as are you.

 

If you want to party and have fun, live your life to the fullest.

But don't expect her to give up all of her hopes and dreams.

 

She may be pregnant right now, but at least she'll be able to provide for her child.

 

If she had quit her job, moved in with you and gotten pregnant, would she have been as well off???

 

It doesn't sound like it.

[dumpster]

Thanks for your responses. I really wish that she and I could've worked out. I should have taken her more seriously when she tried to talk to me about saving, home buying, security. She tried to talk to me on many occasions about this. It wasn't that she expected me to take total responsiblity and pay for everything...she planned on contributing her equal share also. She wasn't going to freeload and expect me to take total care of her. I liked that about her.

 

But now she's pregnant and I can't forgive her for that - ever. I can't ever consider being with her again unless the father is dead. I don't want to have to have him involved in my life in any way, shape or form. It's not that he's a jerk....I just can't tolerate another man.

 

Some of you asked why I didn't move to where she was at. Well, because she agreed that she did love it where I live...she said she'd try and find work in her field here. She tried for a number of years, and came close a couple of times...but ultimately was unsuccessful. And another thing was, that over the course of the 18 years, she met and chose to begin dating other men on a few different occasions. She always told me that she was sorry, that she'd met someone else, and she wanted to explore her options because she thought we wanted different lifestyles. She said she loved me, but was scared to be with me because of my decision not to work, etc. If she really loved me - she never would have developed interest in other guys - so I think she lied about that. I didn't want to move to her city when she was seeing someone else. Some of my friends and her friends too - think I should've moved there anyhow...fought for her a little. I think that's b.s. Why should I chase after someone that decides to move on? She said she had trouble having relationships with other men, because she couldn't stop thinking about and loving me - despite our differences...but she just couldn't wait forever. I wonder if I should've just moved to where she was....and been there when she was available again?

[annie24]

why don't you work? I too, have dated the "starving artist", and while they are fun guys and have many good traits, if a woman is looking for a stable husband and father to her children, the starving artist isn't it.

[dumpster]

I have a job now. I chose not to work for a few years before I got my current job. I've had my current job for the past year and a half. I like it...I don't have to work that hard and I get to basically hang out all day. I work at a resort...it's a fun lifestyle.

 

My girlfriend used to ask me the same question - "why don't you get a job?" It really used to bug her and worry her. The only answer I could give was that I had the rest of my life to worry about working, and for now, I just wanted to have fun, hanging out and enjoying life. Then she would get upset because she enjoyed travelling, and would save $$$ for trips (cheap trips) and would ask me to get a contract stint here or there to finance a vacation. She thought if I was just hanging out anyhow, that I might like to at least see the world. But I didn't ever save enough money and she went alone. She was upset because she thought that if I chose not to work, I should've at least gone and travelled the world or something - rather than stay in my town and boat, drink, smoke pot with my friends. I could've made better use of my voluntary unemployment.

 

She used to tell me she didn't think it was right that I wasn't working. In my early thirties, she thought I should be getting established, planning for a future. She had to work, sometimes at more than one job to reach her goal...and I think she resented my choices. I just thought that I had the rest of my life to get serious about things. None of my buddies even thought about saving for retirement or buying a home. Well, actually a few of them did buy homes. I did work hard at a job I didn't like much before I chose not to work. I just decided that life isn't all about jobs and money...that you have to be happy as well. My girlfriend also valued happiness...that's why we used to work together...we enjoyed similar things and were happy together...but she also wanted to plan, plan, plan and worried about money and the future. I had to keep telling her that life isn't all about money. She said she wanted options down the road in life. She didn't want to retire and be restricted. She wanted to travel all over and have freedom. I still think I have time to do that. I'm only 35.

[sweetharmony]

First, let me say that a woman who is 35 (if she wants to raise a child) has already planned aor at least seriously considered it at this age. A woman has a very difficult chance after her late thirties to conceive. Although 35 is VERY young, yes, for a woman thinking about childbirth, it is the ripe age. I'm not saying a woman can't wait until her early forties, even mid-to-late forties, as we hear stories about this, but it is not ideal (as many doctors will say), because it is much mroe difficult.

 

So, I can understand that both of you are on different paths in life. She needs to plan for a child and unfortunately, a man who plays around all day, smokes pot, and has a job here and there is not most likely husband/father material. i understand her concerns and I do believe she cares deeply about you. She probably did not lie, but for practical considerations, the considerations of her future family, and compatibility issues, she cannot be with you. She probably did/does love you, but cannot be with you for the aforementioned reasons. I would seriously consider planning for your future. I'm not sure if there are women out there who do not do this at 35. I'm not going to say all, but many women, unless they are like you and wish to party all day do not want to lead this lifestyle. 35 is young, but you are an aduklt and have repsonsibilities.