would this be a bad thing to say?

[deejay74]

this woman messaged me on this one dating site i am on. she got in touch with me first.

 

we had exchanged a few messages via the website and now it's moved onto emails. we seem to have had good conversations and in her last email, she included her phone number and said we should meet at some point.

 

from what i have seen from her pics, she seems ok - attractive wise. personality wise, it seems like we'd get along although i don't know how much we'd have in common. i am kind of taking a chance on her and seeing what happens with no real expectations. well i guess there are *some* expectations as she did get in touch with me on a dating site, not a friendship site.

 

in her pictures, she only has shots of her from the waist up, and in my experience, that usually means she's hiding something that she doesn't want people to notice. but whatever.

 

anyway, i was thinking about saying that if we meet up and there's no spark or attraction for either of us, then there would be no hard feelings from me and i hope none from her. i am hoping that this would take some pressure off meeting up. i have had experiences where i have met someone from online and they look very different from their photos - worse, not better.

 

so is that a bad thing to say? please let me know.

 

thanks!

[Biffy]

No don't say that bro unless it's in a joking manner.

 

Give her a call, keep it short and sweet - make her laugh and then arrange a drink or something. Tell her you can only meet for a couple of hours or so because you've never met anyone from the internet before and she could be a fruitloop or the photos on her profile could be decades old.

 

Don't take it seriously, just have fun and let her know that by your tone, attitude and body language.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Do you really care about a meaningful relationship or whether she's going to fit some ideal of beauty?

 

If you are so concerned with looks and such why even bother talking to her?

[JoeWho]

Dont say that. Just go out with her and see what happens, you might be pleasantly surprised by her looks or her personality or if you are lucky both. I think that most people on dating sites should know that if there is no spark then there should be no hard feelings.

[answersguy]

CarnelianButterfly,

 

The differance between a friend and a SO initially is attraction. If you're not attracted it will cause a serious problem when it comes to physical aspects of the relationship... (what makes it a romance) So yes, he should care if he isn't attracted to her. Some guys REALLY like big girls and they think it's sexy some guys just aren't attracted to that. I think it's only fair to him to have a woman he's proud to be with and thinks is sexy and only fair to her to have a guy who thinks she's sexy because alot of guys will. I tried to date a big girl friend that has a great personality, when it came time for sex, I wasn't attracted and couldn't get it up. She cried for weeks and then I realized why attraction is so important neither one of us deserved that and it was my fault for going with the advice of female friends like you telling me to give her a chance even though the attraction was lacking.

 

DeeJay,

Give her a chance, don't say anything of the sort. She may be trying to hide something but it may not be as much as you are thinking. Have you ever been with a girl with a bangin body who thinks she's fat??? Sure, we all have. Just play it by ear and have a good time. There's no pressure from either direction. But if you meet and you're not attracted, don't give her false hope.

[Beec]

I would not say anything to her about it if other than to indicate that you should get together and see what happens. You don't need to address what happens if you don't both hit it off or anything. Just meet, if it is good, it is. If it is not, be civil, be nice, and when the date is over, think NEXT.

[CarnelianButterfly]

What I'm saying is if he's so concerned she's hiding a "flaw" then why go out with her and make it an issue with her? Why say something to her? What good would that do, it will just make her feel like crap because he's got issues with her looks.

[answersguy]

I think it's his first date from an online dating service and he's a little worried. He didn't say he wasn't attracted to her, he just implied that certain undevulged features may cause him to lose attraction. I'm just saying he should go with the focus of both of them having a good time, nothing more. If he's not attracted, he shouldn't be ann A** and tell her that but he shouldn't lead her on with future dates or romance either.

 

Besides, did you look at his profile picture, he looks like a monkey. I'm sure she can't be all that bad.

[deejay74]

Do you really care about a meaningful relationship or whether she's going to fit some ideal of beauty?

 

If you are so concerned with looks and such why even bother talking to her?

 

because as i said in my original post, i am on a DATING site, not a site to make FRIENDS.

 

Answersguy: you hit the nail on the head, i couldn't have said it better myself.

 

Zombian, thanks for your response. i will do what you've suggested and take it very casually.

 

CarnelianButterfly: do you think i would tell her "oh by the way, i think you're fat and uglier than what you look like in person so it's not gonna work out." all i suggested saying was if there isn't a spark when we meet IN PERSON, then i wouldn't be offended and i hope she wouldn't be. all i was trying to do, is to take the pressure off of both of us in case she didn't find me attractive in person either. i think you totally missed that part.

 

i am sorry, actually i am not. i am being honest and physical attraction is important, even for you ladies. you're in denial if you say it's not and you need to take a more honest look at yourself. for some of you ladies, it may not be on the top of the list, but it is in the top 5, i guarantee it.

 

answersguy said "I tried to date a big girl friend that has a great personality, when it came time for sex, I wasn't attracted and couldn't get it up. She cried for weeks and then I realized why attraction is so important neither one of us deserved that and it was my fault for going with the advice of female friends like you telling me to give her a chance even though the attraction was lacking." - i've tried this too and the attraction just wasn't there so i rest my case

 

we are attracted to what we're attracted to. end of story really. some people don't think asian guys are attractive. i am half asian but look distinctly asian (to me) but if you don't find me attractive cuz i look asian, then hey, so be it. that's the way it is, i am not going to be offended.

[Aurian]

Just go for coffee and be honest if you feel no spark. Likely she won't be feeling it either.

 

About the photo, it might only mean she doesn't have any photos below the waist!

[Batya33]

I had some men say that to me - and I felt it was a bit of a red flag - showed me that they were a bit cynical and presumed that I was expecting a spark from a first meeting which is an odd presumption.

 

I am reasonably attractive and thin (5"2, 110lbs) but I don't think I had any full body shots for a simple reason - I am not photogenic and I was lucky to find four photos that were decent. For quite awhile I only posted one, and it was a head and shoulders shot.

 

I did not like being asked for more photos - I mean, come on, I gave my height and weight in my profile, and if he didn't want to risk a 45 minute coffee date, well. . .

 

I believe in starting off on the right foot - plan a short first meeting and no need to foretell what "might" happen.

[deejay74]

hmm, i don't see why it's an odd presumtion. the presumtion is that you found me attractive on my profile and found some thing interesting about me via my interests/personality sections and thereforeeee got in touch with me on a DATING site in hopes of *something* happening. i don't believe people on dating sites get in touch with others with out the hope of a spark. otherwise, what's the point?

 

ok, so you didn't have any full body shots. that's ok but i'm not the only male who will think that there may be something you're trying to hide even though you may not be. it's like those people who post pics of themselve that have all these effects and filters on, or sometimes it's an obscure shot of them from a distance. i am not photogenic but i have multiple shots from multiple angles so that you can get a pretty good idea of how i look. it's only fair.

 

i mean, did you guys read the fact that i am going to meet up with this girl? if i was going strictly by her photos, i may not. i am just saying that it throws up a yellow flag for me. i also said i am taking a chance here.

 

yeah you gave your height and weight, but you could also be lying or exaggerating. it's like those short guys who say they're taller than they are or saying you're younger than you really are.

 

i plan on meeting with this girl. the whole point of my post was trying to think of something to say to take the pressure off the both of us. it's a potentially awkward situation.

[Batya33]

You misunderstand - I would go on a first meet from a dating site with the hope that we click but not with the expectation that we click and I don't need the man saying "um if we don't click, that's ok, right?" Of course it's ok - that's the chance we all take.

 

When I started on line dating not everyone posted a photo and I don't even think you could post more than one (6 years ago).

 

It's fine to wonder if someone is hiding something, not fine to ask for full length photos if I post 4 photos and give my height and weight - some things you just have to take the risk or else on line dating is not for you. Men often lied about their height and I didn't regret going on the date. It was silly when they were 50 pounds over what they said they were or posted a decade old photo and had changed a lot- because the last thing you want is for your date to be surprised in that way when she first sees you.

[Beec]

I would go on a first meet from a dating site with the hope that we click but not with the expectation that we click and I don't need the man saying "um if we don't click, that's ok, right?" Of course it's ok - that's the chance we all take.

 

Exactly the attitude one should have.

 

I began online dating before Batya did, and there were many women I met for a date that did not have photos posted before we met, and some who did not see my picture before we met.

 

We met, we took a chance. I tried not to show real disappointment when it was there, and there were women who really disappointed me. The woman who's belly stuck out past her breasts did not, in my opinion, live up to her description of having an "average body," and there were a num,ber of women who's weight was much more than I expected. I tool a chance, oh well. What did I lose by meeting her? A few dollars and a few hours, at most.

 

Take a chance. Don't react if really disappointed or really pleased, neither is good. Be a good sport if you know there will not be a second date. And try to have fun and listen.

[deejay74]

thanks for everyone's responses and thanks for sharing your online dating experiences. from what everyone has said, i know what to expect or not to expect and how to go into the whole "meeting" experience.

 

 

[answersguy]

Focus on having a good time and Keep things light. Do coffee in the early afternoon so that if it does go well you can continue. If you want to continue the date, I recommend asking her if she'd like to get some fresh air and when she ask what you mean, say you were thinking of going to the park. She'll be pleasantly surprised by the recommendation and it'll give you the opportunity to have fun, and be retarded with her, she'll love it. If things don't go well with coffee, your evening is still open. Keep us posted on the specifics. I can't speak for everyone else but I'm currious and I'd like to know how it turns out. Good luck