Where's the magic?

[answersguy]

I've been with my girlfriend for over 9 months now and her behavior has gotten somewhat strange. We used to make love about 5 times a week but really whenever we had the chance and now it's dropped to once or twice. We also used to lay around on the floor, cuddle, look at eachother, smile and talk. Now we still cuddle all the time but we watch TV. She doesn't seem as happy as she used to. At first I was concerned that maybe she wasn't happy in the relationship but when I think about it, she want's me around as much as possible. I thought maybe a little space would help but she gets upset when I don't come around. Any ideas what to make of this behavior?

[mel110687]

Honestly, I don't think you should worry about it. I think she has just reached the point where she is so comfortable with you that she doesn't feel the need to impress you. Sex once or twice a week is great, and healthy for a 9 month relationship, I think.

However, you should start worrying when your love making drops down to zero.

[MaxPayne19]

Your girlfriend has probably just to the realization that she is comfortable around you and knows that you will be there for her when she needs you. Having sex once or twice a week is great; most people don't even get to enjoy that satisfaction as much as you do because the couple is too busy with work or other activities. I dont think you have anything to worry about right now, but if the lovemaking continues to decline you should set aside some time to have a talk with her and see how she feels.

[heloladies21]

Her interest in you is declined and on the way out unless you change your actions. We talked about this is the last thread, she has the impressions that you're not 100% honest with her about the way you feel and she's not interested in dating no fake. You gotta be 100% honest with her or else that 1-2 times a week will keep going down until you get dumped.

[Jayar]

I dunno... I could NOT sustain a relationship that required sex 5+ times per week... Gawd I could not even imagine. The first 6 to 8 months, sure... But at some point I'd expect the guy to cool off a bit.

 

That being said, the cuddling, smiling, general happiness, IMO, should last forever. THAT part disturbs me about your situation more than the slowdown of sex to a more manageable level.

[Beec]

It seems to me as if things have gotten comfortable. It happens to most of us, the passion and fire is not something that really can be maintained non-stop all the time. Jayar kind of spells it out fairly well. (See Jayar, I can give your posts kudos as well as criticism.) At some time, we expect things to cool.

 

Her being upset when you don't come around is a good thing. When she does not see you, she misses you, how can that be bad? Now, her missing you is not a bad thing. Sometimes you should let that happen, dn then when you see her show her you missed her too. But staying away from her should not be about you just staying away from her. If it is, she is sooner or later going to see right through it, and it is just not going to work. At that time, the game will just anger her. Obvious games are likely too, subtle games are not. So, if you are stayig away, have a reason. Have something else to do. And don't just make it a night out drinking with some guys. Although, that should happen too.

 

Also, I think you may need to go back and look at the thread on which you criticized my advice. Most women want a man with some fire in him. She wants to see he has the desire to just rip her clothes off and also that he has control over that urge.

[jordan1234]

I agree most women want that craziness form a man, but it shoudl also come from her as well. I f youa re making all the sexual effort then i would just have a conversation telling her what you think is wrong....

[answersguy]

OK, for those of you who think she's trying to break up with me or losing interest... She's not, She's told me multiple times recently that she can't wait until I propose and she can't wait until I'm her husband and we can build a life together. Right now she's got a 40 hr a week internship and another job that ranger from 20 to 30 hr's a week. She's about to graduate college and start life in the "Adult" world. So I'm more trying to figure out if the behavior change is due to stress and long hours or due to getting comfortable in our relationship?

 

Heloladies,

 

I appreciate your advice but why are you always so set that she's pulling away and ready to end things? You seem content on the idea that any girl that is pulling back on sex doesn't respect her man... Believe or not, I'm not a push over. When it comes to issues related to my life and our relationship I keep her very aware of my expectations and what sort of behavior I will and will not accept. She understands my boundries and stays firmly within those.

 

Beec,

 

Good advice here. On the other thread, I just can't advocate making your wife think that you are seriously considering cheating. Change in life style is a good thing, going to the gym, without her a few days a week would be a better way to go about it though. It will also help build some testosterone.

[JimmerJammer]

The three things that stuck out in your post are this:

- Sex has dropped from about 5x a week to 1-2x.

- When cuddling all you two do now is watch tv instead of talk, look in each others eyes and smile.

- She's finishing up graduate studies and has to consider her career soon.

 

I'd say that these are something you can take the iniative to talk about if it bugs you that badly. The sex part can be important if you feel it is, maybe for her its not a sign that things are dying off, but that the relationship is reaching a state of comfortability. This isn't a bad thing either as this means that you've gotten used to one another to a point where having sex 5x a week is no longer necessary in each others minds. It could still be possible, but then it might feel like you two are pushing to have it just to maintain that feeling that you two aren't losing anything.

 

Obviously when you said you know your boundaries and aren't a pushover that you would talk with her about it and let her know that you recognize lately how you only have sex 1-2x instead of the original 5x. Then with the part about lying on the floor, looking at each other, smiling and cuddling. Well I honestly feel that it'd be very romantic of you to not be the one to initiate the loss in attention in you two after sex or when you cuddle. If she goes for the remote and turns the tv on, turn if off and if she asks you why you did it. Say "Because I want to lay here and admire you some more." or "Because I like when we used to lay here and look at each other. I miss that." or something similar in your style.

 

As for school, this could be a possibility as well but this is definitely something that is hard to know for sure. I mean she may be honest with herself and with you when she tells you she wants to marry you and is upset when you don't see her, but listen through what she is saying as opposed to what she's telling you at face value. Girls like that a lot and I swear its ingrained in them somewhere NOT to tell guys everything directly because it'd kill the romanticism, spontaneity and feeling that the guy truly knows and understands them.

 

Being able to notice things and not have to be told to do something about it or have to be told on what to do shows that you are a capable man and it becomes easier to have faith in someone like that. It doesn't mean going "what's wrong honey? you seem unhappy." or "how come we don't do ___ anymore?" all the time either because then you might suffocate her with your attention, questions and overly concerned attitude.

 

Best of luck mate and she sounds like a lovely girl.

 

p.s. - i forgot to add that when it comes to sex, routine kills it. be willing to add exciting fun things to it and i'm sure she'd be willing to comply to one of your requests or at least the ones she's comfortable with. girls need to be turned on and it doesn't usually happen when they feel they can tell how its already going to turn out and thus adjust their desire accordingly.

[northwoods]

Sounds to me like you're out of the "new" phase. If everything keeps declining it might not be meant to be... but if you've reached the end of the slope and still love her, this is where emotional security takes over and you realize your marriage bound.

[heloladies21]

You seem content on the idea that any girl that is pulling back on sex doesn't respect her man

While doormat guys is a big problem, with you I sense something different. I believe you that you're no push over. What I see with you is that you don't show your emotions enough. Too much "It's not important enough to make a big deal about it" or "I don't want her to think that I'm weak by showing that I'm emotionally effected by this", but that translates to a chick "I don't really care about you."

 

I believe that she respects you, but she's not 100% convinced that you care about her and are ginuine in your feelings about her.

[answersguy]

Thanks for clearing that up heloladies. That could definitely account for the incedent with the shirt and her current behavior be related to that as well as things not being "new" any more and all the other stuff she has going on in her life. I probably do need to talk to her more when it comes to smaller things.

[heloladies21]

You got it. I was very much afflicted with the same thing only until about 7-8 months ago when my brother brought it to my attention that I might be making a mistake by acting the way I did. Relationship after relationship of mine would gradually die out and fail just because of this very thing. But now that I've changed and made a conscious effort to address even the smallest thing on the spot and make sure it gets resolved every time, current gf can't get enough of me. She knows for a fact that I care and am being honest about it.

 

Old habits are hard to break sometimes, but you'll get there. And once you do, you'll be in the top 1% of guys in this world who actually understand women and can have a successful relationship with them.