Should we take a break or go our separate ways?

[lilyn8]

My boyfriend have been dating for 6 months now. Everything seemed perfect, we never fought or had any major arguments. He's the male version of me. Two months ago while planning our vacation he accidently called me his ex's name. I didn't mind so much but I got annoyed that very day and never bought up the incident.

 

However, last month we were in bed after sex and he was half asleep and rolled over and said ''I love you tiffany'' and my name is LINDA! I stayed silent for several minutes and confronted him. He claims he wasn't even thinking about her and its just its a name he was accustomed to saying for 2 years but they've been broken up for well over 13 months.

 

I'm angry, frustrated, and no longer feel secure in my relationship. Now it seems like all we do is argue over this issue every week and he's getting tired of it.

 

To make matters worse she was over his place but his excuse was she came to pick up pound cake his grandmother sent for her. The only reason I found out is because her screen name was the last to login on his computer. I feel betrayed and as if I'm second best. I don't know what to do should we take a break or go our separate ways? I don't feel as if I can get over this

[Jayar]

Sounds like he either still has feelings for her, or he's deliberately trying to make you jealous. Both very different reasons for why he's doing what he's doing, but IMO neither one would be acceptable to me. I'd probably tell him that whichever it is he better deal with it because you won't stick around to hear her name many more times.

 

If he takes you seriously, great... Otherwise, be glad it was only 6 months.

[Scout]

Do you know why they broke up? Has he talked much about her/their prior relationship? Our gut instinct can usually tell us if a boyfriend is over an ex or not. What is your own telling you?

[karvala]

I really wouldn't worry about it that much to be honest. One of my ex's still very occasionally mistakenly called my by the name of her ex-husband five years into our relationship, and she was well over him, I can promise you. Similarly, I've occasionally checked myself just before nearly calling my gf with an ex's name, that I've hardly thought about. It's simply familiarity, and doesn't particularly indicate anything untoward, unless it happens a good deal.

 

It's unfortunate that he happened to say it while saying that he loves you, but it's still just a mistake; as long as he was apologetic and understands how it will upset you, and tries hard not to do it, I don't think it's a reason to end the relationship. That would very sad.

[Scout]

It's not so much the accidental name calling that raises an alarm bell with me, as the fact that she's hanging out at his apartment still - supposedly just to pick up pound cake his grandmother baked for her? Now, why after they broke up over a year ago would his grandmother be baking cakes for her, instead of you?

 

I could be wrong, but something just doesn't seem to be adding up here.

[DN]

First it may well be true that his grandmother baked cake for her. It is not unusual that family members become friends with and very fond of SOs and don't want to lose touch when the relationship is done with. He may not have wanted to upset his grandmother by refusing. And it may be that he sees no reason to be unfriendly with his ex. My sister and her husband invited his ex-wife to their wedding and spent a couple of Christmases together when the children were small.

 

As to saying her name: I am truly awful with names. I even mix up the names of my own daughters and often refer to my eldest daughter by my sister's name. It is purely a memory twitch that is embarrassing and it doesn't mean I don't love my daughters.

[Scout]

First it may well be true that his grandmother baked cake for her. It is not unusual that family members become friends with and very fond of SOs and don't want to lose touch when the relationship is done with. He may not have wanted to upset his grandmother by refusing. And it may be that he sees no reason to be unfriendly with his ex.

 

All this is possible, too.

[chickidee23]

In my experience, breaks don't do anything for a relationship... The same exact problems (and depending on what each party does during the break, more problems) are going to be there when the break is over. Nothing changes. IMHO, people need to either face their problems now or admit that it's too much for them and move on. A break is a way to keep the person who IS willing to face the problem hanging on and it's not fair.

 

So my advice is to look at yourself instead of your relationship.. Is his behavior something you want to put up with? Are you willing do deal with the heart ache and disappointment that you are going to experience while he tries to work through his problem? While it's true that this is his problem, it's also true that you are only ALLOWING this to be your problem too. Either case could be true- he could still be hooked on his ex or he could just be making mistakes. But if he is getting annoyed that you are bothered by this, then it all comes back to the questions I presented above.

 

I hope this helps and good luck!!

[ratherbesailing]

lilyn -

 

I hate to admit this but I've been together with my girlfriend for almost 9 years, and even though I pretty much detest my ex-wife, I still catch myself starting to call my girlfriend by my ex's name. I live in fear that someday it will happen because I know that she's going to take it just as you have. I'd have to say that there is a darn good chance that there was absolutely nothing behind him calling you that.

 

He's with you. He wants to be with you. Be confident in your own value and just try to forgive him and let it go. Just tell him she's not allowed to hang around his place anymore, even to pick something up.

 

I know it hurts to have his family involved with her at all but that is something that will fade over time and it isn't his fault and you just have to ignore it as best you can.

[blender]

Listen to "Scout".. ask yourself some honest questions and answer them honestly. If your "instincts" are giving you a feeling in your gut that he's not fully revealed all his truth, then just slow down, take some time to really be "aware" of what YOU want, and where HE is emotionally right now in his life, and as Scout said, it's not so much he called you the wrong name, it's that he's "overlapping" the two relationships, even if in a friendly way, he's not disclosed this to you "upfront".. and you can always lovingly say: "that kind of behavior does not work for me, so if you are going to continue to have contact with your ex, I would like you to be honest about "why and when"... so I can make a choice if I'm okay with it or not".