How does one behave exactly like an adult about it?

[annie24]

i don't think that hate is a really good emotion, just because, what is the point? it's a very negative emotion and will just well up inside of you. and hating each other serves no purpose, really. you are not in a relationship with her, you are in a relationship with your boyfriend. what she does is irrelevant as long as your boyfriend is committed to you.

 

you don't have to be her buddy, or even talk to her, but I don't see the point in wasting energy to "hate" her.

[shikashika]

Yeah, thats business not medical. She has a spreadsheet that counts right down to the last cent they owe each other for the past 5 fives, strike off, and he is still in debit.

 

I think my bf is insensitive to the fact that when 2 women in his life (old and present) hate each other, its forever, and no in between. So he should not expect either party to "understand" or "feel" for each other no matter what the circumstances are.

 

 

Well I don't know the situation... but is it your boyfriend's fault that two women hate each other? From what you've said... I wouldn't say he is insensitive... I don't think I could be with a guy that HATED anyone...

 

hate is a very strong word....

[sandyv]

So sorry brooding, I agree that this seems wrong, Yes, she may have lost a brother, but you are his future, It isn't quite right that he flys the coop in order to help her with this at the risk of loosing you.... I say go with your gut feelings here.... he's gotta think of you.......

[caro33]

Yes hate is a strong sentiment and so is wishing someone was dead. There's something really nasty going on here and I question how strong or in control the boyfriend is to have allowed for it.

 

Goddess is your boyfriend a bit of a softie?

[Brooding_Goddess]

My boyfriend has replied my sms'es about 45 min ago as we are "corresponding" in here - but selective responses - no response to the kind remarks i made with ref. to her loss and his consolatory efforts. Bloody men!

[annie24]

what did you say?

[caro33]

Why can't you speak to him? How long has he been away with her now?

[Brooding_Goddess]

Goddess is your boyfriend a bit of a softie?

 

Not a softie - but too righteous for his own good

 

I wouldnt say he is a saint - since everyone is selfish at some point. But he chose not to get involved with the "exchanges" between the 2 women. It is not as if they are always or constantly in contact - but i just dont feel good about her "out of the blue" decision to call him instead of a close cousin. Seriously he hasnt and had refused to meet her family for the 5 years they have been together - so what has the brother gotta do with him?

 

He said he would do the same for any close friends, not only her, so i shouldnt be silly and think negatively.

[sandyv]

Quite frankly, I'd be kinda upset myself, this guy is with you, not her, condolenses are one thing, this is just too much....

[EvaGina]

He said he would do the same for any close friends, not only her, so i shouldnt be silly and think negatively.

 

except that he hasnt slept with his friend and they dont try to interfere in your relationship.

[Brooding_Goddess]

I said my final straw i guess - I told him its ok if he needs to accompany her to new york but just make sure business is taken care of and bills are paid.

 

There are no references to him going away with her - i made that up - he is probably taking the piss now. And of cos i know he wouldnt go, he refused for the 5 years they were together even though the family offered to buy his air ticket. Moreover he is off to Australia next thursday night and wouldnt trade his business trip.

[sandyv]

Oh yeah, most definitely .... Caro

[Lady Bugg]

Ok IMO......a heartfelt sympathy card should suffice to an "ex" of two years.

I am as compassionate as they come....but I wouldn't go spend time with an

"ex" b/f of two years if I were seriously involved in another relationship...WITHOUT my b/f. Call me a hardass....but that's how I feel.

[sandyv]

Nope Lady, I see it the same way...

[annie24]

hm, I am wondering if he hasn't stepped in because he is enjoying watching you two fight over him? I have been in that situation too.... he is getting a nice ego boost right now.....

[sandyv]

Funny you mention that Annie, I've been in the same position too.... thats totally possible? Hmmm...

[caro33]

Yeah. There's a reason he buys into all this drama. It feeds something in him.

[Brooding_Goddess]

So conclusion - he's a miserable bastard and an arsehole?!?!

[renaissancewoman101]

I wouldn't say that right now. I would just give him a chance to see what happens. I dont think he is cheating on you. He's known her quite a long time, in the past, and her brother committing suicide is a very painful and unhappy incident. She is very hurt and looking for some comfort. Sometimes, when we are in severe pain and devastated, we dont think clearly before we act, and so we go back to someone for comfort that we once found comfort in.

 

I think it is kind of commendable that he is there for her. Shows you and others that he is kind and compassionate too.

 

Yeah, I know, I tend to look at things differently than others.

[caro33]

No to him being a miserable bastard etc!

 

I just think he's bought into, and perhaps helped create a mess here that was unnecessary. By this I mean even getting to the stage where you and this woman have all out warfare - you never had to like one another, but how does it have to get so bad?

 

He's also perhaps in need of a gentle (or not so gentle) nudge about his priorities.

 

You can be the adult here by saying that you are simply not going to engage on this topic (ie her) any more, and that you are also disappointed in his decisions taken to date. You would like a stronger separation of him and her and a 100% separation between you and her. You will make an effort to keep comments to yourself, but he also needs to commit to removing her influence from his life. You have been accepting so far give the seriousness of the situation, but he needs to put this into context. Prolonged time with her at this stage is a negative thing for your relationship.

 

If any ex of mine said they wished my husband was dead they would be immediately excommunicated.

[sandyv]

Hey Caro, my sentiments exactly, his gf should be #1 no matter what.... yes I understand his ex is sad, but he has the living (his love) to think about....

[DN]

I think you, and most of the people replying to this thread, are totally over-reacting to the situation that this guy finds himself in and are in danger of painting him as some sort of heartless, unfeeling cheater who has seized the opportunity of a suicide to cheat with his ex.

 

Someone from his past has reached out to him for support at possibly the worst period of her life. The agony that family members suffer when a son or brother commits suicide is unimaginable for most people and they need all the help they can get. The last thing they are going to think about is getting an ex back - she is probably distraught, scared, drained and feeling awful.

 

Let's see this in perspective and not put this guy between a rock and a hard place. It will make you look petty, untrusting and unfeeling in his eyes and will quite possibly end the relationship.

[renaissancewoman101]

DN, I agree with you, and my previous post to her was telling her to take it easy on the guy. I think that his compassion to his ex in HER time of need (suicide is something hard to get over) shows that he is a loving and caring and compassionate person.

[justpaisley]

hm, I am wondering if he hasn't stepped in because he is enjoying watching you two fight over him? I have been in that situation too.... he is getting a nice ego boost right now.....

 

Bingo. I am good friends with my ex-boyfriend, and would be devastated for him if his brother died, and if he lived close, I would certainly go to his house to console him. I probably wouldn't fly anywhere with him to help take care of bills or arrangements or whatever - I'm not his mama after all - but I would certainly be there for him emotionally.

 

That said, if he ever said anything nasty about my husband, that would be the absolute last he heard from me. Not likely, since he and my husband have talked quite cordially in the past and there are no hard feelings between the two of us or the two of them, or me and the ex's wife at all. But if my ex ever said that he wished my husband were dead, I'm sorry, that would be IT.

 

Your boyfriend owes you the respect to stand by YOUR side and stand up for you considering you're the one he's with. YOU are the one to whom he is obligated, and if he still has business ties to his ex, he should keep it business. If she were cordial to you and your boyfriend weren't enjoying all this, I'd say you were being overdramatic and jealous. You have every right to be angry.

 

I'm really just rambling at this point, but I simply cannot fathom my husband flying anywhere with his ex-girlfriend for any reason, and even they are still friends. It's just so inconceivable to me.

[caro33]

I dunno DN, I am torn. I absolutely take your point and agree that this is not about Goddess, it's a much bigger deal. This is certainly unlikely to be a situation contrived by the ex to get closer to Goddess's boyfriend. (I'm not sure any of us were necessarily implying he's going to cheat by the way - I certainly wasn't.)

 

I hope my advice has not looked like he needs to be put into a difficult place, and my apologies if it has looked like this. My comments about what is feeding him have been 100% about the past, and the horrible situation that has arisen where these two women are so nasty to one another.

 

I guess I have given my advice for the current situation based on the fact that Goddess seems more likely to say something she may well regret than to just accept this situation. I think that if she could accept this situation and smile we wouldn't be here. So I think it's better to say "we seem to have an issue here, and I support you, but you need to see we have a bigger problem to address once the next few days are over". It's better to say that than to break up with him or be sarcastic, which were the apparent other options.

 

I personally think they need to talk about where he stands right now, how he's feeling, what his plans are, and leave it there for now. The texts are not a good way to go.

 

Anyway, you make a good point. Thanks for bringing us back to the more serious aspect of this issue.