Hypothetical Situation

[shy2cool]

Ladies; If you had started to date a guy, and things were going well, but then you find out that he does not have many friends at all; Would you be less attracted to him?

[unknownLover]

No I don't think so, maybe he's just shy or living somewhere where's it's difficult to meet people.

[Batya33]

My personal preference is that the man I am seriously involved with have a few close friends, and a few others at least who he is friendly with, and that he be reasonably well liked by his co-workers/colleagues. I have an active social life and it would be a little tough for me to be with someone who expected me to spend all my free time alone with him or who didn't have his own social life of some kind. I don't think there is anything wrong with a person who has only one friend - or even no friends if that is what he wants - but I am not so sure that would work for me in a serious relationship.

 

And, I would want to know why he has few friends. Choice? Because he doesn't play nicely in the sandbox? That would matter to me.

[Daligal83]

Like Batya said, it matters why he has few friends. Are they really close friends and he's just the type to have close friends and not a ton of acquaintances? Or is it because he doesn't like to be around people? The reasons behind this matter.

 

For me personally, I'd prefer to have a social boyfriend. I dated a guy who appeared to have a lot of friends, but once I got to know him I realized that he wasn't close to any of them and couldn't keep any close friends. That didn't work well because he couldn't handle me having any close friends.

 

Now my boyfriend is just as social as I am (or was before I moved here) and while it took me some time to get used to, I really prefer it. He's got his really close friends and then some good friends, and then just people he knows. It works well for me, but everyone will have their own preference.

[shy2cool]

OK, very good answers. What about if he has a few good friends, no close ones but the reason is because he is very shy and finds it hard to make new friends but is very social and very willing to make new friends?

[Batya33]

I would be confused at the very shy v. very social - seems inconsistent to me. To me it sounds more like nervousness than shyness. Bottom line - I need someone by my side who is reasonably confident and not socially awkward. He needs to be able to handle himself reasonably well in social situations -- being on the quiet reserved side is totally fine as long as he is a warm, approachable person.

[chet]

I totally understand the shy but social thing... I was like that when I was in high school and part of college, but changed as I got older. To me that means you hang out with others but you are seldom the one to make the plans?

 

Anyway, I had a very serious gf in that period and she was fine with it... she wanted me for me, not for how many friends I had. 20 years later we still keep in touch and she teases me sometimes about how shy I was back then, but it never bothered her... it isn't why we split up (she wanted to marry very early, I did not).

 

I don't think you can generalize and say all women want a guy with a lot of friends, it just depends on the women and what she wants and needs. If she expects a lot of personal space with her own friends, then it might not work with her unless you are able to give her that in spite of not having a lot of your own.

 

I think the key though is to just be yourself... don't pretend to have friends just because you are afraid of what she might think.

[Batya33]

I don't want a man for how many friends he has. I want a man who is reasonably social and has his own friends including close friends because I think having a reasonably outgoing, friendly personality is important for me in a mate. I love my boyfriend for who he is and one of the qualities I admire about him is how he is able to connect with a variety of people, his loyalty, trustworthiness and sincereity to his friends and how he helps others.

[TheRedQueen]

As long as he didn't show symptoms of being a sociopath, I'm sure I'd be fine with it.

 

Solitary shy guys I can deal with, solitary sociopaths...not so much.

[mintblossom]

it depends why he doesn't have many friends. i mean, if it's because he chooses to spend his weekends drinking himself into oblivion while denying he has any problem with alcohol, then yes, that bothers me.

[laboheme]

The important thing to me is how close he is with his friends...I don't trust people who have a bustling social life, but everyone is just surface friend. Same with people who would rather look for new friends instead of trying to deepen their relationship with existing ones -- it would make me wonder about whether or not he'd want a new girlfriend once our relationship got to a certain point. To me, it's more attractive if the guy has just one of two GREAT friends than a large but shallow social circle.

[suresuresure]

My situation-

 

I have never put much stock in large groups of friends. There have been times in my life where I built up networks of acquaintences, particularly in college, but that's rare for me. I tend to just naturally drift away from people if we go on a while without reaching a deeper level. It's nothing against them, it's just that such friendships are unfulfilling to me (generally speaking).

 

I have, on the other hand, had three different "close friendships" since I was about 5 years old. Maybe I look for too much from friendships, but I like being able to talk about anything and everything with people I truly consider to be friends (as a male, that can be harder to find than it is for girls). Anything less really isn't worth holding onto, imo...it may sound harsh, but my feeling is that surface friends are more or less interchangeable, so what difference does it make how many or few I have?

 

My girlfriend has more friends than I do, not a ton, but certainly hangs out with a wider array of people than I do. It doesn't bother me or her...I like time alone when I need it, and every two weeks or so I'll go out for drinks or dinner with my best friend. I supplement that by having occasional outings with the current crop of one or two casual friends. If I need more than that at some point in the future, I don't think I'll have a problem adapting... but at least in my case I don't think my quantity of friends really impacts my relationship, either positively or negatively. Am I just an odd case in that respect?

[shy2cool]

What about a guy who is somewhat close to a couple of people, but very willing to make new friends? He is very shy, but not socially awkward. He wishes to enjoy life and go out on weekends being social with people. His current friends mostly do not want to get to know him, more like just class him as a friend because they feel that having more people around them makes them feel popular.

 

This guy would like to form close bonds with people but doesn't know how to.

[TheRedQueen]

This guy would like to form close bonds with people but doesn't know how to.

Well then that's fine, as long as he'd be willing to learn.

[kate111]

The important thing to me is how close he is with his friends...I don't trust people who have a bustling social life, but everyone is just surface friend. Same with people who would rather look for new friends instead of trying to deepen their relationship with existing ones -- it would make me wonder about whether or not he'd want a new girlfriend once our relationship got to a certain point. To me, it's more attractive if the guy has just one of two GREAT friends than a large but shallow social circle.

 

 

Ouch! Yeah that could be true. Sounds like someone I know.

[Aurian]

What about a guy who is somewhat close to a couple of people, but very willing to make new friends? He is very shy, but not socially awkward. He wishes to enjoy life and go out on weekends being social with people. His current friends mostly do not want to get to know him, more like just class him as a friend because they feel that having more people around them makes them feel popular.

 

This guy would like to form close bonds with people but doesn't know how to.

 

Sounds like me offline, except for the current friends part. I am rather shy and find it hard to make friends. I lost a few recently when they moved as well. However, when you put me with people, I am friendly and easy-going, so I fit in well with an SO's friends!

 

I do understand a guy not having a lot of friends too, especially since I am in those same shoes. If he had none though, I would want to know why and observe more carefully why... especially since my ex had no friends and there was a big flamin' reason for it. :splat: