andyg Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 OK... So I was in a relationship for 6 months, it ended, because my girlfriend wanted it to. Then she realized just how much she missed and loved me and told me that she wanted to get married. I loved her just as much and thought eloping was the only way to keep her so I went along with it. We moved in together and it was fine for about a week. I've been trying to find a job that isn't manual labor and she works so I spend most of the day in our apartment which had been hers and she pays for. Well, now she's getting angry that I don't have a job and that I can't support us... Where did that come from? I didn't have a job when we got together or when she said she wanted to elope. It hasn't even been a month, why is she freaking out and what should I do? I do all the chores already and keep our apartment immaculate. She says I have no ambition or drive to suceed but I just don't get my fulfillment from material things and don't want to spend my days flipping burgers or stocking shelves, you know? Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 she probably figured you were going to pull your weight. if she wanted a maid she would have hired a maid. i'm sure before she could have cleaned her apartment herself just fine. you were together 6 months? i thought you were together a shorter amount of time and your cousin got involved. is this not true? you seem to have a lot of issues andy. ......................................................................................................................................................................................... Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Andy, Question: How many jobs have you applied for since you two got married? Or before even? Link to comment
adahy Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 If you don't understand marriage, you shouldn't have gotten married. Things change. You want to know what's different, things changed - you got married! If you want to be single and lay around on the couch all day, that's fine...but that's not what marriage is about. Link to comment
andyg Posted February 23, 2007 Author Share Posted February 23, 2007 Actually ghost, we met in may dated for a couple of months and then she became my girlfriend. If you count when we started dating it was more like 8 months if you count the committed relationship time it was 6. The time is irrelevant though as is my cousin. I'm that girl, I applied for upwards of 10 in the last month but most of them tell me that I need a degree which I don't have. Link to comment
RayKay Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 I can see her concern, if she is the one that has to support you both right now and she sees this as her future forever if nothing changes. She needs to see that you are equal in this relationship. She is probably resentful and stressed. I do think you both rushed into this, without thinking it through, but now you are married you do need to show you are committed to this. Why don't you take a less glamorous job and put yourself back through school part time to get a degree/diploma and improve your opportunities? Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Okay - So here are your options. 1) Continue to stay at home, clean house, expect her to pay for everything, wait for her to annul or divorce you. 2) Continue to search forever for a job that you "like." You have a wife to support now, it's not about what you like as much as what will pay the bills. 3) Apply and accept a job that you may not like so that you can pay the bills. Also, go to school. (college.) Earn a degree so you will eventually get a job that you will like. I'm going to be honest with you, I have no patience for men that do not work. I have no tolerance for men that wait for the "perfect" job. You have to make an effort and do what you have to do..... Have to! And if it's flipping burgers, it's flipping burgers. Her expectations are not unrealistic. Link to comment
Jayar Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 I'm going to be honest with you, I have no patience for men that do not work. I have no tolerance for men that wait for the "perfect" job. You have to make an effort and do what you have to do..... Have to! And if it's flipping burgers, it's flipping burgers. Her expectations are not unrealistic. Seconding this!!! I'm in total agreement. My own personal rule is, no job = no date. And DEFINITELY no marriage. Yeah it's true, most good jobs require a degree. But it's also convenient then that most colleges/universities offer open learning so you can complete a degree part time evenings/weekends. If that doesn't sound like much fun, believe me it sounds like even less fun to your girl to be the sole breadwinner for the rest of her life. I don't think you're a lost cause. But I do think that you're dangerously close to falling into the safe "rut" that many people fall into if they get into a domestic situation without having learned to support themselves and survive on their own. Her expectations are not only realistic, they're NECESSARY. Link to comment
TheFoglifter Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 When a woman says she wants someone with "ambition" or "drive", what she often means is that she wants someone with a high paying job who can support her material needs. It sounds to me like this relationship is more of an indentureship -- you will work your tail off, bend over backwards, and she will never be happy. She sounds like the type who will bring out the worst in you, because you will always be working and sacrificing, and all you will have to show for it is an unhappy girl. Find someone who is happy being loved, and you will be much happier yourself. Link to comment
Jayar Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 When a woman says she wants someone with "ambition" or "drive", what she often means is that she wants someone with a high paying job who can support her material needs. It sounds to me like this relationship is more of an indentureship -- you will work your tail off, bend over backwards, and she will never be happy. She sounds like the type who will bring out the worst in you, because you will always be working and sacrificing, and all you will have to show for it is an unhappy girl. Find someone who is happy being loved, and you will be much happier yourself. I had to laugh at this... I want someone with "ambition" and "drive" because I HAVE ambition and drive, and while I am more than happy to support my own material needs, I want a man who can support his. No free ride here, Baby! Neither party should be bending over backwards working their tail off while their significant other does squat. But LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH!!! Okay, I'm done. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 When a woman says she wants someone with "ambition" or "drive", what she often means is that she wants someone with a high paying job who can support her material needs. It sounds to me like this relationship is more of an indentureship -- you will work your tail off, bend over backwards, and she will never be happy. She sounds like the type who will bring out the worst in you, because you will always be working and sacrificing, and all you will have to show for it is an unhappy girl. Find someone who is happy being loved, and you will be much happier yourself. Oh my.... I feel bad for you FogLifter. Mind if I ask your reason for thinking this way. AndyG - - - - You know that this girl must love you to have married you. Please don't ever, ever think that her expecting you to work is out of line. Sheesh! Link to comment
adahy Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Find someone who is happy being loved, and you will be much happier yourself. Funny. Working is love. Giving is love. Helping out is love. Leaving others with burdens to carry alone isn't love. Link to comment
Siriana Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 I applied for upwards of 10 in the last month but most of them tell me that I need a degree which I don't have. Well than you need to make a different plan... Take crappy job and start working on a degree. Otherwise you might loose your marriage. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 I have a crappy job. I hate it, but just getting up in the morning and earning my own money makes me feel good. Plus having a current job on a CV or application looks much better to prospective employers than N/A in the space. Link to comment
Jetta Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 It's great that you're helping around the house but she obviously wants more out of you. Go out and get a job. Go through a temp service they help you develop skills you never had before. I've gotten some great jobs that way, the one I'm at now isn't so great but I'm still learning something new. You do have to get a job, and see what difference having one makes. Maybe she expects more out of you than you do of yourself or maybe she'll back off once you're contributing financially again. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 you should apply for jobs that you qualify for. putting in apps is one thing, but can your experience or education support your bid? ......................................................................................................................................................................................... Link to comment
splashdown Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Since when is it "unrealistic" to expect your partner to pull their weight? Get a job, junior. You may not like the job, but at least you won't be a freeloader. Link to comment
andyg Posted February 23, 2007 Author Share Posted February 23, 2007 Taking a job that makes me miserable was never part of the agreement. We talked about this before we got married and she was OK with it "for now". You people are all trying to tell me I'm wrong when it was discussed before hand. She's the one who changed her mind, not me. I was living with my parents for free before while I looked and I left that because she told me it would be OK. How am I wrong? Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 Because if you're only applying for jobs that require a degree when you don't have one..."for now" can easily and quick change into a long term situation. What steps are you taking to make sure that doesn't happen? Link to comment
splashdown Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 It doesn't matter what your agreement was. Things have changed. You're married now. She's trying to tell you that she needs your help and support. If you care about this woman and your marriage, you'll listen to her. Taking a job doesn't mean a lifetime commitment. Take a "burger flipper" job now to pay the rent, and find a better job later. I've had several jobs in the past that I took as "rent-payers". There's no shame in it. It's called being responsible for your family. Link to comment
Jetta Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 What jobs peak your interest? If you need a degree to work in that field that is the degree you should be going for. In the meantime work a job that will get you by until you obtain your degree and then land the job you really want. Link to comment
adahy Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 I don't think we're saying anything in terms of 'right' and 'wrong' in the larger sense. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with not working. Nothing wrong with searching for the right opportunity. But, if you're in a partnership you need to 'eventually' contribute for the wellness of the whole. It sounds like you've never really been independent. Moving from the parents house on to your GF/wife's place. It takes work to live, provide, survive. She might carry you along for awhile...but probably not for long. Link to comment
lady00 Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 I had to laugh at this... I want someone with "ambition" and "drive" because I HAVE ambition and drive, and while I am more than happy to support my own material needs, I want a man who can support his. Makes a lot of sense. I feel quite similarly myself. I will be able to support myself, but I want a man with ambition and drive also. To the original poster: I think the others are right. Regardless of how your relationship works out, you need a job. Maybe consider taking a job you're not totally in love with for now and then getting a part-time degree then upgrading to a job you like more. I'm not sure it should have anything to do with your wife. It should be about your own personal happiness and career fulfilment. Yes, it's important to have a career you enjoy but if people keep telling you you need a degree for the kinds of jobs you want you're going to have to postpone getting a job like that until you have one. Good luck with everything. Link to comment
Dilly Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 This almost sounds like a joke - ru really serious and sincere when you ask for corroboration of your feelings? Link to comment
sddeaston Posted February 23, 2007 Share Posted February 23, 2007 I know of a few people who worked *multiple* jobs they hated because their family needed it. Those people never complained. They just worked. Link to comment
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