How 2 convince my husband to start a family

[loulou]

Anybody have any advice as to how I convince my husband to start a family?

[shes2smart]

Did you guys talk about kids/no kids before you got married? If so, were you on the same page as to whether you wanted to be parents?

[Iceman26]

Poke a hole in the condoms? Just kidding.

 

What are his reservations about having children?

[BellaDonna]

Hi there. Does he want children in general? If he does not then you'll be hard pressed to change his mind.

 

However if he does want them "someday" and you just want to speed up the process- and make someday now, then I would think it would be a matter of talking with him and showing that you are financially ready for this.

 

Becoming a father can be very daunting, especially if it puts pressure on your husband to work more to support a family. If those are his reservations, then having a savings account to create nest egg might help.

 

You'll need to show him that you can make a "plan" and that you have confidence and faith that he will be a good father.

 

But if he does not want kids in general, ever....then your marriage might face a lot of trouble.

 

What are his views on kids?

 

BellaDonna

[isisastaria]

TRUST ME you do not want to pressure him into being a father if he isn't ready. You will end up being alone in the whole "having kids" affair and all you'll get from him will be, "See, I told you I didn't want to!" And you know what? He will be right.

[loulou]

I guess the word convince wasn't the best choice, I'm trying to prove that now is as good as anytime. And the comment Iceman made "Just poke a hole" It has crossed my mind but that's not how I want to have a family with my husband. Yes we discussed kids prior to marriage, we agreed that after a couple years we would start trying and we are now entering our 3rd year. I have friends who mentioned this whole clock ticking thing and I never understood it, now I do!! This feeling of wanting a family is extremely overwhelming and at times it consumes my everyday thoughts. Am I losing my mind??

I don't want to pressure him into anything he's not ready for and he does want a family so if I'm the one who has to continue waiting how do I get these thoughts of babies and family out of my head? Somedays I feel alot of resentment towards him for making us wait

[BellaDonna]

Ok, so you at least know that he does want children at some point.

 

 

Yes we discussed kids prior to marriage, we agreed that after a couple years we would start trying and we are now entering our 3rd year

 

When you bring it up- what are his usual reasons for wanting to wait?

[loulou]

He just says he still not ready, doesn't really elaborate from there

[shes2smart]

Since both of you said you wanted a family (in theory), then I guess your next step would be trying to find out what his objections are to having a family in reality.

 

From what I've seen on these boards, it's common for men to have a lot of concerns about being able to provide. If that's the case with him, you're not likely to overcome his concerns with emotional pleas. What may help is having a logic-based discussion about finances and how the two of you can make a family work from a realistic/practical standpoint.

 

I'd strongly advise against sabotaging condoms/going off the pill/etc. One of my hubby's kids got into the world that way (she stopped taking the pill and didn't tell him. she'd decided on her own that she wanted another child and didn't listen when he showed her they couldn't afford it). I don't know that he's ever really forgiven his ex-wife for doing that. I do know that even though the divorce is past history, there's still a good deal of animosity between them. Yeah, there's more to it than the "I gotta have another kid", but I suspect that that's part of it, too.

[BellaDonna]

He just says he still not ready, doesn't really elaborate from there

 

When you have that conversation, try to get him to ellaborate on his reasons (gently and without judgement).

 

Ask him: "What do you think would make you feel ready"

 

My guess is, it's probably has something to do with finances.

 

Personally, my husband would have wanted to conceive on the night of our honeymoon, and I was the one that wanted to wait. We are currently expecting now, almost 4 years into the marriage.

 

I felt ready when I essentially felt "secure". Finances had a lot to do with it for me. I wanted to be sure we were both in secure jobs with some money saved. I feared struggling otherwise. I knew I did not want to struggle.

 

At first when we got married, my husband used to talk about children all the time. Then he took a step back and used an "I don't care" either way attitude..... then suddenly I was ready for kids. lol (I think he used Psychology on me )

 

When you feel that you've come to the decision on your own- it's much better than when you feel pressure.

 

Get him to express his feelings and reservations- but try not to pressure him. Had I been pressured, I probably would not be pregnant right now.

 

It's human nature to want to move in the opposite direction if you feel someone is trying to push you in particular direction.

 

BellaDonna

[Dako]

He's aware of your desires, but you need to know his concerns.

Adding pressure can backfire.

He may want to finish some phase of his life or worry about taking on the responsibility or just feel overwhelmed.

The more you understand what he needs to feel at ease with fatherhood, the better you can chip away the obstacles.

[loulou]

Congratulations BellaDonna!

We can rule out finances as that's not an issue here. What you've said has made alot of sense It is human nature when you feel the pressure to turn and walk the other way, I should try what your husband did - reverse psychology.

So when he had the "I don't care attitude" did it come right away for you?

I would love nothing more than for my husband to come to me and say he's ready.

Since you were in the situation he is in now, you would then recommend to back off for awhile? How long would you say?

[arwen]

Hey loulou,

 

I think that eventually I will be in the same boat as you are, so I will just let you know here how I think I will approach the matter. First of all, I am not married or engaged, but me and my bf are very serious. He's 31, I will be 27 in less than a month. Our jobs make it impossible to live together, but we are talking about it all the time. I am starting to feel the urge for babies. Like now. Even if I am working over 60 hours a week, and moneywise it would be difficult, etc., it seems like a biological urge that I can't deny. An important factor is that my bf is actually the first I want to have children with. So we talk about it. He's like your hubby, more like 'some time in the future, I really want that but not now'. But remember, he (and your hubby) are not the ones with a ticking clock for that. They are capable of to reproduce much longer and more than us females are. It may seem a bit 'plastic' to have to discuss it that way, but I think that my bf really got a better picture of it since I did.

 

I think what is important is NOT to rush him into anything, but just express your desire for it, and also your considerations that may be more biological, etc. In the end, it needs to be something that both of you need to be ready for. However, I think it doesn't hurt to remind him of the health-risks that are involved if you were really to start a family in say, 7 years.

 

Then of course, finances have to allow for an extension of the family. But again, I don't know what your backgrounds are, but I came from a family with very limited money but me and my little sister had everything we ever wished for. I went to uni and my sis to the conservatory, I am now working on my PhD and she is a professional musician. What was the fundament for that was not money but a balance of freedom, love and discipline.

 

Don't sabotage with the pill or condoms. That will make him feel like he had no part in it. But of course both of you are aware that protection is never 100%. How does he handle that? I mean, I know for my bf, that if my IUD would somehow fail to do its task... a baby would be unplanned but very very welcome. Did you ever discuss it from that perspective?

 

Ok, this was a bit of a messier post than I intended but I hope that it helps!

 

Arwen

[isisastaria]

Hey! work at a children's center (is there somewhere you can volunteer?) This got the "I want more babies now" out of my system. I work for an organization in childcare and they give me a free membership in return. Not only was I reminded how much WORK kids are, I get to bond and hold them when they need me. I think it's win win! I agree 100% with BellaDona. You push, he runs. You run, he WILL come your way!!! This just happened involuntarily with my fiancee.

 

I decided I might just wait another few years until I get another degree. He came home one day after work ...TEARFUL...saying he wants kids right away when we get married. He saw a daddy holding his tiny daughter proudly and it melted his heart to think of waiting.

 

In addition, what are his REASONS for wanting to wait longer? Usually it's the needed and very logical "providing male" instinct."

[isisastaria]

Arwen: Yes!! That is another factor to consider, however. The health risks of waiting.

 

My sister in law is having complications in her pregnancy now mainly because of age.

[BellaDonna]

What you've said has made alot of sense It is human nature when you feel the pressure to turn and walk the other way, I should try what your husband did - reverse psychology.

So when he had the "I don't care attitude" did it come right away for you?

 

It did not happen right away- but maybe within a year. He'd say things like "I like our life. We don't needs kids to be happy. I d be fine with it either way"

 

Something in my brain went "HEYYYYYY WAIT!!!!!! What if I want them now?" I'll be the first to admit it was a like a typical 2-year-old rebellious mentality that was operating in me. Pressure made me feel suffocated- as soon as it was lifted- I was able to explore my true feelings and it was not "scary" anymore. I eventually came to a point where I felt that I wanted to create something with him, and that we were destined for more in this life- but it only happened once the pressure was gone.

 

Then one day we were at a relatives house and I was observing him play with a 9 month old baby and I got a real itch. I was off birth control the next month. lol

 

Since you were in the situation he is in now, you would then recommend to back off for awhile? How long would you say?

 

Make it clear that you would love to be the mother of his children, that you admire him and think he'd be a great dad, and you respect his need to feel ready. Then back off. I can't say how long it will take because everyone is different- but I think you will get results much sooner this way than if you try to force it. So by backing off- you are actually implementing a plan to have kids- if that makes any sense. It's actually active, and not as passive as it seems.

 

BellaDonna

[loulou]

Thanks Arwen and Isisastaria for your words.

Complications I think play a big role as to why I'm pushing so hard, I'm not getting any younger, but I really think that I might try what bellaDonna mentioned back off a little and see what happens. Somedays this feeling is so overwhelming that I can't even focus on anything else. Is that normal?

[shes2smart]

Never went through the baby-mania m'self, but I'm infertile anyway so maybe that's why.

 

If your plumbing's working right though, I suspect it's fairly common.

[BellaDonna]

Complications I think play a big role as to why I'm pushing so hard, I'm not getting any younger

 

You still have ample time on your "clock". I think it will all work out well, don't worry.

[Dako]

There are two people in the equation.

He needs to have his desires addressed.

It's a negotiation.

[loulou]

Quote "So by backing off- you are actually implementing a plan to have kids- if that makes any sense. It's actually active, and not as passive as it seems."

 

It makes total sense! Clearly the way I have been approaching this has been all wrong. I know from past experiences when I have felt the pressure I go the other way. So I need to take a step back and give him some breathing room. I can do that.

Thanks BellaDonna you've been very helpful.

[Batya33]

Thought about instead from the perspective of the best interests of the children instead of what "you" want - does that change your analysis, assuming your husband would have to be convinced to become a dad now as opposed to later on?

[loulou]

You make a very good point Batya when you say it like that

[coollady1957]

loulou, I responded to your thread yesterday on this issue. You pretty much have cleared up the fact there, that job , work and finances are not an issue , so you are stable in that respect.

 

You did mention that you had a rocky start to the marriage, but that is resolved as well according to your previous thread. You said that you both discussed having children in a couple of years after you got married, and as I took it, he agreed, but now refuses to even discuss it.

 

Are there other issues going on that he may be confused or concerned about that you know off that would cause him to feel he is now not ready to have kids?

 

In your other thread you say that you feel this is a " deal breaker" with him not wanting to have children just yet. Unless you can get him to open up with you, then I tend to agree with the others about backing off even bringing up the topic for a while. If he still refuses to discuss it further after a period of time then you will have to decide just how much of a deal breaker this really is for you.

[chocolady]

Start swooning over babies, but don't make it look like pressure of any kind because that's NOT the intention.

 

Say things like 'aww isn't she cute' and 'omg, look at that little baby oufit, look at how small it is' and look starry eyed and with longing. It will probably(hopefully) open his eyes to and draw his attention to how much you would love one, which is what usually happens anyway before couples start a family.