husband cheated and is now avoiding confrontation

[kate111]

Wow he didn't even admit what he did with that other wman was wrong.

 

He sounds like a horrible person.

[talo]

You appear to be focussing on divorce as the only alternative to living with your husband.

Just as marriage is more than living at the same address, divorce is more than separation.

[treefrogkate]

Santh, you haven't broken your vows; he has. Looking for a divorce at this point is not weakness or failure. It is simply getting away from someone who hurts you and breaks his promises to you and to your god.

 

Is there a clergyman you can talk to about this? Have you considered asking whether you can get your marriage annulled instead of an outright divorce? My mother got her first marriage annulled because my father (who I have no contact with) was abusive.

 

I am not religious, so when my ex-husband was abusing me, I got a divorce. It was not a decision I made lightly, because, while I am not religious, I do hold marriage vows to be an unbreakable bond... when upheld by both sides. But if one side of a bridge crumbles, what good is it to hold up the other side? You still can't cross it.

 

I'm not advocating giving up without working on it, but it sounds like you have done all you can, and your husband isn't willing to rebuild his half of the bridge.

[Rabican]

I didnt read the whole thread... but heres my advice.

 

RRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN RUN RUN RUN RUN AWAY

 

This man doesnt even deserve chance #2. He doesnt show any remorse or any signs of trying to fix all of your problems. He probably messed it up with the other girl and is now lonely and wants you again. Just leave him. There is no other option in my opinion.

[Rabican]

Your questions make me think..

 

If I divorce him Am I breaking my promise to God? That is one thing I always think about.

 

I decree that the marriage was nullified by his cheating and abusive ways. thereforeeee, you are in the clear to go ahead and divorce

[notsomuch]

Your questions make me think..

No I am not worth the abuse.

Can I get someone else.. of course why not?

Why did I try so much? --because I took vows in front of God. he did too.

How can I break my relationship to God? or my promises to God?

If I divorce him Am I breaking my promise to God? That is one thing I always think about.

 

I often say that people are to quick to divorce, but this is one of those times when you should just run.

This charming bloke has commited adultery and various other naughties. The bible states this is when you can get out.

 

On the whole 'turn the other cheek' issue, this doesn't mean be a doormat. Did Jesus turn the other cheek when people were gambling in the temple? No. He tossed over a few tables. Did Jesus ignore his critics? No, he didn't.

 

Just get out. Just get out.

[isisastaria]

Men can seem like terrible people, can't they?

 

Thing is...I've learned that most aren't at all. He is in a point in his life where he is very lost. I think he must be in a place where he is going through a process starting with his making excuses and trying to tell himself it was justified. He then doesn't have to fully look at what he did wrong and admit that to God and you. He doesn't want to feel like he's a terrible person. Men like to be the HERO. They like to protect and provide ...

 

They don't like to be the dark villan with the evil laugh (that is unless they like to be evil or something. This description doesn't sound like him).

 

When you make a vow to God, you are creating a covenant. It is an agreement before God that you will hold up your end of the agreement so that God and your spouse will hold up their end of the agreement. Kind of like a contract, I suppose.

 

If one party breaks the covenant, and denies your dignity as a human being every day, the covenant is broken. He took the first step of breaking the covenant in the worst way, didn't he?

 

I am not a religious expert, but I think it is a good idea to talk to a preist or whatnot in your church who can help guide you spiritually. If you have been praying diligently, I believe you will get an answer and you will KNOW for sure when it comes.

[isisastaria]

BTW-Either way, get away from him. Chasing him will turn him away and turn him off. If you run and stick to it, he will run after you and may even start to look at and understand what he's really done.

[santh2007]

yes, as HoneyPumpkin said I realized he has been messing with my mind. Two weeks back when i posted this, i was asking him why he did this. Speaking to him drives me into an emotional frenzy. he continously said it was my fault'I was absentee"."it will serve no purose talking about this". if i am ready to just move on. That now I am shouting on the phoneso i do not repect him. "How can he communicate when i am not controlling my emotions""You call this communication?" I hate it. Am i not supposed to be hurt by the lies and deception and then, he is blaming all his behaviour on me.

before that when i did not know about the affair but was living separately, i had asked him to live together, like husband and wife. But his answer was" Love doen't have anything to do with living together","He loves me deeply thi sthat etcetc".

 

I realize now he just wanted to be free to come to me when he wants, but not leave his freedom. thats not the way I wanted it. But probably he wanted it like that soon after marriage, just didn't let me know.

Now that i started asking him about his afair, he stopped responding. No more calls, no nothing.

Does he have any feelings or not? How can he be soo cold?

Its been two weeks, i have writtem him two emails and left 2 voice mails on "Why he did this to me". i know i should get on with my life without him. I am struggling to do that.

I hope days get better. I hope I forget this man.

[santh2007]

Thanks for all ur help. I am not in touch with him for more than three weeks. Even at night thoughts keep coming to me about this event that event, and many things that happened. Right now my mind is always working in flashabcks. I remember some things/events, ponder over them and wonder why it never occurred to me before. All events are not bad, in some events he is the loving man that I loved, and the loving things that he did for me, in others he is the hateful man that manipulated and cheated me. Maybe his loving behaviour at time was for the purpose of manipulation. I have never been able to understand this guy. Not even a little bit.. Like once, we were discussing about a crime that happened in the neighbourhood decades back. This guy killed his GF ,cut off a piece of her private part and one breast and took it as souveneir(spelling may be wrong), coz she was cheating on him. I was like "Oh my GOD, he's evil and crazy" but his one sentence surprised me. he said yes, what he did may be wrong, but he can really understand why the guy didi it. "God is present in evil too". That stuff was too heavy for me so changed the subject.

Then once again i was discussing with him about the recent child killer Karr incident(not even 6 months back), how horrible that he raped and killed a 6 yr old girl and then proclaims in his letter that he loved her in a way the world would not understand, he is mentally sick. Well my H said he can understand the way he loved her.He said although he would never do a thing like that, coz he knows its wrong, but he can understand the type of love he had which led to the rape and killing. I asked him"If he loved that little girl how come he hurt her"."You don't hurt the person you love". Well his reply was "He loved the life in her, you will not understand what I'm saying"

Since yesterday i am thinking about these things, and now i have fever and headache. Just thought i will post them here.

[santh2007]

Now i am thinking about the nice things in the beginning of the relationship. He would take me shoe shopping, and while i stood he would sit and put each shoe in my feet to check if it fits me or not. Then i would take a few steps and he would remove and try another shoe on my feet. I didn't have to do anything. The the one's that i liked he would pick up and ask the lady to pack them. The women watching us would be like" Oh my God! You are so lucky, you H is sooo loving!". I have never met a man as nice and as bad as he is. I tried to serve him and did everything to keep the loving man. But slowly and slowly the loving nature went away. Later on(after about an year,you must be wondering this woman is really stupid??), i started noticing his nice behaviou was when people were around us. When alone at home with me he was different, less nice and more indifferent..

[santh2007]

I want to again thank all the members who took out time to read my post and reply. I was really really down when I first started the thread. Now i am okay. Sat and Sun are the most depressing days. Mon to fri go by quickly. I am still confused, but i don't have the urge to suddenly cry when i am in public or travelling in the train or at work.

[treefrogkate]

I want to again thank all the members who took out time to read my post and reply. I was really really down when I first started the thread. Now i am okay. Sat and Sun are the most depressing days. Mon to fri go by quickly. I am still confused, but i don't have the urge to suddenly cry when i am in public or travelling in the train or at work.

 

I'm glad to hear it's getting better for you.

 

Have you filed for a divorce? What is happening with your situation now?

[karvala]

He sounds like an almost textbook definition of a sociopath. You did well to get out, and I hope you have the strength to stay out. Good behaviour for appearances only is a central trait of someone who really doesn't have a standard moral code, who doesn't believe in his heart the conventional ideas of right and wrong (as his other comments to you also show), and engages in appropriate behaviour purely from a practical point of view when other people are around, and relaxes it when they're not.

[SummerGirl38]

My heart and mind scream from within. Deep within my feelings tell me that he is inconsistent, that i have been emotionally and mentally abused and played around with. deep within my feelings tell me to leave him for good.

 

You answered you own question here. If you ask me, you have the right answer. In my book it's just like the saying goes. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. You are with an emotionally abusive person. YOU DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW, YOU ARE HIS WIFE.

 

Why lay down and be someone's door mat? If you ask me, you and I have the same illness, it's called too-good-itis. If you don't respect youself here, how can he respect you?

 

You can only make your own decision here, but if it was me, I would show him the door!

[Mun]

He needs help, but right now you also need help getting through this. I hope you have friends and family close that you can turn to.

 

You are right, the relationship was abusive. Emotionally and mentally abusive. You basically stopped living for you and only lived for him. He wanted it this way. Now to get you back on track you need to find yourself again and resolve that you won't contact him in any way anymore. He's dismissive, disrespectful and doesn't deserve you.

 

You are so much better than all this. Remind yourself daily that you want better for yourself.

 

 

How are you holding up?

 

____________________________

 

Something worth reading: link removed

[CallingAllAngels]

Read my post under the thread "husband caught making out with another woman". I believe it is post #17. I know exactly how you feel. My husband would not discuss what "really happened" until I became so ill I was barely able to function.

 

My heart goes out to you...

 

~Allie