Demeaning Words?

[amystar]

I've been with my bf for over 2 years. Just in the last couple of weeks, every time we talk on the phone and we disagree on something, he will say something like: "Don't be stupid, you're such a retard....... He has even started using the f-word with me.

 

I really dont' know where this is coming from all of a sudden. I grew up in a family where we didn't talk to each other in such a manner. My bf has 2 brothers and I noticed he talks to them similarly but never with me until recently.

 

At first I put up with it but then I just sat down with him and told him that he really should not talk to me like that. He said he is just "playing around" and keeps doing it.

 

I would really love some insight on this and if anyone else has experienced it. It hurts my feelings every time he does but he just does not understand that. I would put up with it if it truly was in a "playing around" kind of sense but it isn't in my opinion. He calls me stupid whenever he feels like it.

 

I love him dearly and I know he loves me a lot as well but I truly can't put up with this for the rest of my life. It's very demeaning to me. Do you think I am overreacting? Thanks for reading. ](*,)

[Kalika]

No, you are not overreacting at all. What he is saying to you is horrendously offensive. And the fact that he did it to his brothers speaks volumes: you were destined to become his latest victim.

 

It's verbal abuse, honey.. It's not right, and it's definitely not just "playing around." I hate telling people what to do, I know it's hard to break up with someone, but if he doesn't even see it as a problem, how is he going to change it?? I don't think you should be with him. If you stay with him, you could start believing what he's saying.

[amystar]

Youre both completely right. I hate to throw everything we had down the drain but I think I'm going to have to have a serious talk with him. If he doesn't stop then I'm leaving. I talked to a friend about it and she said that something like this could even eventually turn into physical abuse. Right now, I really don't think he would ever hurt me, but a couple of weeks ago I thought that he would never call me a faul name, and it's happening. It's just really sad, we've had a good relationship..........

 

Thanks for your advice.

[GQstatus]

I also have an extremely bad mouth. I blame it on my irish ancestors But, I also would never speak to my gf, or any other female like that. I'll say eff you joking around with my male friends, but that's just how guys are with eachother.

 

Express to him he HAS to stop speaking to you like that. If he continues, that just shows his lack of respect, and you deserve a lot better.

[Brooke657]

My boyfriend swears alot but he's never swore at me...at least not for a few years. It used to be an issue with us but it was resolved pretty quickly.

[Shiva 2007]

I would say that if he did not stop from your previous requests he probably won't. It sounds like he believes there is nothing wrong with his behavior, don't second guess yourself, if something doesn't feel right it just isn't right. I think he is trying to take a position of power and try to demostrate he is the alpha male. I would tell him: "if you did not understand that I meant what I sayd that tells me you are not capable of hearing my needs and thereforeeee you are not the right person to be in a relationship with.

Good luck

[HarleyHunny]

Nope! You're not over reacting. Sounds like the beginning stages of abuse to me. If you allow it to continue it will get worse.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I have been known to swear a lot - but never ever AT someone. That's really horrible.

 

Tell him straight out - it's offensive when you speak to me like that. If you don't stop it, it's over between me. Because if my boyfriend hated something I did (eg called him an affectionate name that he hated, even!), I would stop doing it.

 

Plus - I do think that swearing at someone like that is certainly on the beginnings of abusing someone. It's not a good sign, and if he can't or won't stop it, then what's THAT all about?

 

Good luck - stand up for yourself!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I would very clearly point out that this is NEW and offensive behavior, and it has to stop right now... and ask him why all of a sudden he is doing this becuase he never talked like that to you before?

 

is he hanging around with new people who swear like this and he's picking up that behavior? is he drinking or drugging? could it be a sign that he is tiring of the relationship and is being terrible because he wants out?

 

regardless, it has to stop, and i would try to investigate why he is doing this to try to decide whether it is something the reflects a deeper problem or change going on in the relationship.

 

people who are perpetually verbally abusive usually start that much sooner in a relationship, so i would suspect that there is some deeper problem going on here now too..

[RayKay]

I have to say that while my partner and I may not always be happy with something the other did, we would NEVER call the other stupid or swear at them. That is a clear lack of respect; particularly as you have TOLD him how it makes you feel and he keeps doing it.

 

This is verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation. Whether it turns into physical or not I cannot say - the potential is there - but even if it remains verbal it will destroy you over time emotionally which is classic result of any form of abuse.

[amystar]

Thanks for your replies everyone,

 

In response to BeStrongBeHappy's comments, this is something that he just started doing about 3 weeks ago maybe and we've been together for almost 2and a half years. I'm really not sure why he is doing it. I'm pretty sure that he doesn't want out of the relationship and he's not hanging out with new people that I know of. I already told him we need to have a talk. We won't see each other until Tuesday so we will see how that goes.

 

I really hope I will get to the bottom of this.

 

Thanks for your support.