kate111 Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 How long do you think on average, if you do no contact, until the ex may start having doubts or at the very least, start remembering the good things about the relationship and not the bad? Any dumpers out there remember? Also how can you best manipulate things so that this happens? Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 I've wondered the same as you when I've been dumped or rejected... but when I've been the dumper... i've never ever had any regrets... in fact it was a sigh of relief when I realised I no longer had to be attached to that particular person anymore. Although he was a good person, sex was good .. attractive... etc etc... i didn't miss him at all.. adn that was after a long term relationship Link to comment
EvaGina Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 MANIPULATE... thats what I like to hear!! no... I lie... every relationship is different, if you were dumped for a reason, then I would try FIXING the reason instead of playing games. Link to comment
BetterKarma Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Manipulating them to come back to you isn't the way you would want them to come back. Eventually they will figure it out and leave you again. They have to come back on their own and only because they really want to. When I was the dumper, I eventually began to miss him but that was way after the fact and even though I remember all the good things and miss him, I did not want him back. Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 MANIPULATE... thats what I like to hear!! no... I lie... every relationship is different, if you were dumped for a reason, then I would try FIXING the reason instead of playing games. hardest part about this is ... and I see this far too often on ENA...and in real life.. most of the time, when we are dumped.. we never know the reason.. thats what happened to me.. and even if our ex gave us a reason... it just seems like something they said because they didn't want to give us the real answer or they didn't know themselves and wanted to make up one i think this is one of the things that I've struggled with most in all of my failed relationships...why?..why?..why?..why?..why?..why?..why?..why?.. and I never found out why Link to comment
melrich Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 People who end a relationship often move on pretty quickly. They have often known for some time that the relationship is not right and have already done their grieving by the time they tell you it is over. So they are at a different stage to where you are at. Whether you do NC or not, they may never have second thoughts. Or they may have them within hours or they may have them in weeks or even months. I think each case is so different there can be no rules. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 hardest part about this is ... and I see this far too often on ENA...and in real life.. most of the time, when we are dumped.. we never know the reason.. thats what happened to me.. and even if our ex gave us a reason... it just seems like something they said because they didn't want to give us the real answer or they didn't know themselves and wanted to make up one i think this is one of the things that I've struggled with most in all of my failed relationships...why?..why?..why?..why?..why?..why?..why?..why?.. and I never found out why Sometimes people are TOLD why and dont want to believe it tho. But yes, you're right In those moments you have to realise that if htey dont have enough respect for you to tell you, to break up with you nicely, then you shouldnt be with them anyway Link to comment
lifestream Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 It's completely different person to person. I remember with my ex I thought I was over her then a wave of feelings came rushing back at me one day and called her. It's different for everybody. Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Sometimes people are TOLD why and dont want to believe it tho. But yes, you're right In those moments you have to realise that if they dont have enough respect for you to tell you, to break up with you nicely, then you shouldnt be with them anyway I agree... its a total lack of respect when they can't tell you Link to comment
Weeblie Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 I think it depends on the reason for breaking up in the first place. I went out with a guy for a little over two years. One day he decided to tell me the truth about some things and after then I couldn't look at him the same. He had been lying to me for 2 years!!! I think about him from time to time. occasionally look at his myspace page, but I definitely do not want him back. There's nothing he could do to change my mind. There are other people though that maybe after some time I'd change my mind about. Link to comment
kate111 Posted February 13, 2007 Author Share Posted February 13, 2007 Ahhh. This all very depressing. Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Ahhh. This all very depressing. Hi kate, I remember reading your original thread... you are right.. it IS depressing..and no matter how many people tell you "it ill be ok'.. or "you will find someone better" it doesn't help does it... Time is the only thing that can help... all I can say is that I've been there.. and I know no one can say anything to make you feel better... I know one of my problems was that I anlaysed the breakup to death.. to the point where I couldn't even think straight anymore Have you had any turnign points since your breakup? Link to comment
lady00 Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 If I recall correctly from your other posts...it seems like things are made even harder for you because your ex did not give you a reason. Did you perceive any problems in the last few months of the relationship? I think if you really look hard at it you will start to see things that may help you find the explanation you don't have. Link to comment
SpeedingCars Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 It varies. You can't pinpoint the time frame as to when they'll 'remember' you or the good times. In my case, my ex (now my boyfriend) never forgot them. His memory of "us" was better than MINE! =X Link to comment
Smith9108 Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 The best way to make a dumper remember those times is to move on yourself. You have to show him that you are better than this situation and that this breakup was a better thing for you than for him. I know that may be the biggest lie you have ever lived, but trust me- its a good plan. It may not get him to actually come back, but it will definitely help you heal faster. Go out, date, flirt, have fun- and lots of it! Show the world that you are one happy person without him in your life, and eventually that news will get around to him. Put yourself in his shoes. You dump someone, and suddenly theyre are begging you to come back. They wait, lonely, by the phone while you go out and have fun moving on. You're at a much farther recovery stage than them because you have had time to take this at your pace. You are in control, and everytime you see them sad you think to yourself "Man, I'm doing better than they are." Your former lover has gone from the wonderful person you knew to an emotional train wreck- very unattractive. So you see why, right now, he doesn't exactly feel regret. Now onto another scenario through the eyes of the dumper. Imagine you break up with someone for idiotic reasons (although they may seem good at the time) and after the first week or two of confusion they are doing great. They are going out and having a good time, and they seem to be doing better than you. You all of a sudden start to wonder if you just threw away someone who you didn't deserve to have in the first place. You feel inferior on some level and begin to regret ever leaving this person. In regret, its all about "who lost who." Start telling yourself that he lost you, and not the other way around. Now if there were good, substantial reasons for the breakup he may never feel regret for the decision, But many breakup don't have good reasoning behind them. I don't know your personal situation, but the best thing for a dumpee to do is just heal and try to be happy- especially around other people. So keep smiling! 1 Link to comment
JOYl Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 that post by smith was great. It happened to me with my first boyfriend when he broke up(secretly i was relieved as we were too different) so i did not cry, beg, etc, We kept in contact briefly by email,and he told me about his new loves etc. About 1 year later i met him and he was amazed about how i didnt seem to care about our breakup and he wanted me back but it was too alte as id already made a new life in a new country. So for me this is the best attitude to have, dont be sad Kate, let him see what he has lost. Link to comment
JOYl Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 .> No back to that question... remembering the good things is not enough to make a dumper come back. my latest ex fiancee told me that he was confused for the first 5 months, and htat he could not stay at home alone the first 3 months..it really depends on the person... best thing is to go deep into no contact for 3 months kate and see if he contacts you. Good luck, its not easy... Link to comment
drum4god Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 It all depends of the situation. My ex came back after 9 weeks of NC, but then almost a year later she dumped me again. I am on day 54 of NC and she hasn't come back, and I am not sure if she will. I am not banking on it, and to be honest I don't know If I want her back. Its crazy, my ex came back the 1st time right when I felt I was turning the corner. I have mentioned this here before, but its as if our ex's have this radar to detect when we are over them. When it goes off, they call us. I am not quite over my ex, but I am getting there. I am sure, once I get over her, she will call. Its seems to happen with me all the time. 1 Link to comment
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