Couple of isses to deal with with GF

[stu1234]

Hi,

 

I feel really bad posting this here but I need an unbiased opion so I googled for forums and this came up.

 

Anyway, I'm currently living with my girlfriend, we've been living together for nearly six months, and going out for nearly a year. I'm 26 and she's 24.

 

There's a couple of issues I'm unsure of how to deal with so I'll just list them in no particular order:

 

1. Without trying to sound horrible here. I'm a lot smarter than she is, and this causes the following problems... she hates all the films I really like, saying they're boring and she especially won't watch anything with subtitles cause she complains she can't read them and watch the film. The films she likes to watch are all aimed at teenage girls and they're basically disney drivel mostly, she'll sit there laughing loudly at them while I'm sat there bored out my mind feeling my brain slipping out my ears as my IQ drops to that of a ten year old.

 

2. I end up having to do everything. When we moved into our flat, I had sort out all the bills and rent agreements and getting the phone sorted because she claimed she didn't know where to start and it'd be easier if just one of us dealt with it all. Gee thanks. This goes for loads of things though, e.g. she wanted to do a college course but didn't bother finding anything out about it, so I ended up printing off the information for her, which I found in like two seconds on google.

 

3. She's always ill. This sounds really horrible but it's not what you think. I don't hate her for being ill, she just doesn't do anything to help herself stay healthy. We joined the local gym a few months back because she wanted to, I didn't need to join because I'm already in good shape and attend martials arts classes twice a week anyway. So I agreed to join the gym with her, pay my fees (£28 / $55) a month and go with her when she's wanting to go. The problem is she never wants to go because she's always too tired from working or just doesn't feel very well. She says she'll go more often when she's fitter. Is it just me or that a contradiction? So yes, it's frustrating to pay money for something I didn't want to do and don't even get to use. OH, and as for the being ill thing, she blames the doctors for not giving her strong enough pain killers or being crap instead of just eating better and getting some exercise.

 

4. She embarrasses me infront of my friends. She doesn't know this. But I find her embarrassing sometimes when she's talkign to my friends. The reason is that she's suffering from depression and keeps thinking people think she's weird. So her round this is to tell people she's just met that she's got depression that she's on medication for and that her life's completely . So yes, this immediately makes all my friends make awkward faces at me, and I keep getting asked if things are okay with us. Her family keep telling me I'm a strong person for staying with her this long because she's so high maintanence.

 

5. She get's really jealous if she so much as sees me look at any girls when we're out. The prime example is a few weeks ago. We were out clubbing, and a girld walked through the room wearing hardly anything at all, for the first second I thought she actually had no top on. So I being a human being get distracted for a second. My girlfriend doesn't say anything at this point, she just goes quiet and I had to ask her ten times what was wrong before she asked me "why were you staring at that in there? do you want to go take her home instead of me?" I laughed and hugged her and said "of course not, don't be silly". But she wouldn't believe me, this ended up with us walking three miles home in the pouring rain with me trying to explain why I was distracted but she wouldn't believe me and kept saying I didn't find her attractive. So hyeah, that was a bad night, but we don't talk about it now.

 

So here's the bottom line... I think I love her, there are days when everything's great and I love being with her. But deep down I keep thinking she's not smart enough for me, she's too jealous of my friends which are girls, I can't glance at other women without comments fro her. I can't watch any films I like with her because she think's they're all boring or because they've got subtitles.

 

So what do I do?

[EvaGina]

Just from reading what you have written, you arent compatible.

Just becuase you love someone, it doesnt mean you should be together.

I have been in your boat as well, and it drove me mad

[stu1234]

I keep asking myself if I'm only with her to not be alone.

But then if I was to say that to her she'd probably kill herself, seriously, she's tried it years ago before she met me. And she says that right now is the happiest she's ever been in her life, which obviously makes me feel so horrible.

 

 

 

p.s. cna the moderator please replace words with acceptable words instead of just as it can sometimes make the posts difficult ot make sense of.

[EvaGina]

I keep asking myself if I'm only with her to not be alone.

But then if I was to say that to her she'd probably kill herself, seriously, she's tried it years ago before she met me. And she says that right now is the happiest she's ever been in her life, which obviously makes me feel so horrible.

 

 

 

p.s. cna the moderator please replace words with acceptable words instead of just as it can sometimes make the posts difficult ot make sense of.

 

You can change the wording, click the "edit" button above your post

 

You CANT stay with someone because of guilt.

Shes happy becuase you are carrying here

IF you decide to break up wtih her, warn her family.

no way , NO WAY should you stay with someone out of a fear of them killing themselves.

[CarnelianButterfly]

It sounds like you're miserable, which even if she's happy, is not good. You need to be happy too.

 

The problems you've mentioned are things you need to tell her. You can sit down and talk to her about these things. Keep calm and don't let her get you upset if she gets upset. Try to talk about it.

 

If talking doesn't work, it might be best to move on. Spending your life miserable is not going to do any good for you.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. i changed the "removed by mod" to the words that i think were appropriate to your context, but please read our rules for posting. they are on the bottom of my signature.

 

As for this woman, it sounds like you two really aren't compatible. I mean, you didn't really mention what (if anything) you like about her. What drew you to her in the first place?

 

It sounds to me like the issues you bring up are deal breakers in a long term relationship, as far as not being on the same wavelength, so it's probably best to break up with her sooner rather than later.

 

good luck

[Day_Walker]

All you have to do is ask yourself if you want live your life this way? No one can answer that question for you? Realize that deciding this has nothing to do with love, it has to do with what you want your life to be.

[stu1234]

well we met over myspace, and found we were both into videogames in out spare time. She works with kids in childcare as a few other of my friends do so I knew abit about that to start with.

 

I'd also beens ingle for five years and really wanted to get intoa new relationship so it's possible my standards have slipped down enough to go out with literally the first person to come along, I don't know if that's true though.

 

So yeah, initially things were fine, it's only now we've got used to each other and I'm finding loads of things that wind me up about her. And I know it sounds really big headed but not chatting on the same intelligence level is really frustrating.

[annie24]

so, the only things that you guys really have in common is that she likes videogames and kids. but, you need more than that to keep a relationship going. Actually, I read an interview by that Neil Warren (or whatever his name is, the founder of eharmony). he said something like couples who had a discrepancy in their IQs of more than 10 points had only a small chance at lasting. iI believe this, I've heard other people say it too. I also kind of feel the same way. obviously I don't know how smart she or you are, but if you are feeling that there is a gap, that you aren't interested in her and don't think you will have good conversations 20 years from now, or even 2 weeks from now, then maybe time to move on....

[VeganBohemian]

I keep asking myself if I'm only with her to not be alone.

But then if I was to say that to her she'd probably kill herself, seriously, she's tried it years ago before she met me. And she says that right now is the happiest she's ever been in her life, which obviously makes me feel so horrible.

 

 

 

p.s. cna the moderator please replace words with acceptable words instead of just as it can sometimes make the posts difficult ot make sense of.

 

I know it is hard to let someone go who you think needs you or who you think will kill themselves if you leave them. I don't really know what to say, but it definitely sounds as though you guys are completely different people in terms of personality, interests, intelligence, etc. I don't think you should automatically assume you are smarter than her, but that is besides the point. If you aren't compatible, why drag it out if you are going to either end up breaking up or unhappy together?

 

There are plenty of women out there who like exercising and foreign films...you would probably be better off with one of those women. I know it is hard to break up with someone incapable of taking care of themselves properly, but it is not your job to look after her or baby sit her.

[Goblin]

Hi Stu.

 

You sound very calm actually. Anyways, like most have already said, you arent compatible with her. I can relate to both you and ur gf. Ur gf is quite needy because u probably mean alot to her but yet if she really loves you, she wouldnt want to see you upset. You on the other hand, is a very committed and sensitive to her feelings which i really like but try to think and act wisely for both of u sake. If you let this go on, she has to better herself, if she doesnt do that, things will get no better or even worst in future when you could actually spend this time focusing on other important things in life or find someone whom u can relate to and relate to you as well.

[rosie76]

You say you love her; what do you like about her? It seems quite fast to move in with someone after six months and reading what you say about having been single for a long time it occurs to me that you may have rushed in to the first thing that came along. In addition to the frustrations you list, staying with her in this case is not fair on her. No one deserves to be settled for by the people they love. Have you tried communicating any of your grievances to her? If not, that's not fair either - if you're resenting how she acts around your friends, things around the house, etc., she shouldn't be allowed to believe, incorrectly, that you're happy. Her depression / possibly suicidal response is another story and one you should deal with carefully, but first priority at the moment is to be honest with both yourself and her about why you're in the relationship to begin with.

[stu1234]

I think I do love her, but I don't know if it's true love or like how you love your best friends.

 

I know I sound arrogant suggesting that I'm smarter than her. But given our general interests and hobbies and the fact that whenever she finds me watching any other than the simpsons, she complains it's boring and makes no sense, even if it's just the news. She even shouts at the radio in the car when they're talking about the music they've just played. She gets upset when things happen in soap operas (or this every woman?) and complains that people shouldn't be allowed to treat each other like that (urm, it's a soap opera?) There's a couple of other worrying things she'll do which make me question her general smartness, but I'm digging myself into an even deeper hole here. All I'm saying is that I'm finding it difficult relating to her on an intelletual level. (especially when she won't believe me that drinking juice counts towards you water consumption for a day).

 

I think if we weren't going out, we would still be good friends, but she's just too high maintenance, I just feel like I can't do anything and not include her without feeling bad.

[annie24]

do you feel ready to break it off?

[stu1234]

no, I don't want to be single again. I guess I'm kind of answering my own question really. I don't want to break it off with her becasue I don't want to go back and live at my parents, and I don't want to lose my sex life. And I'm worried about what it would do to her. I'm not that worried about missing her though, and this is what's worrying me, because surely that means I'm only going out with her for convinience of having a girlfriend?

[VeganBohemian]

You don't love her, but you love the fact that being with her is sure better than being alone and living with your mom and dad.

[rosie76]

because surely that means I'm only going out with her for convinience of having a girlfriend?

 

Yep. And no matter how much you want the perks of having someone, that really isn't fair on her. Think how you would feel if you were genuinely in love with someone and found out they were with you for the sex and the apartment.

 

Do you complain about her to your friends as well, or are you just letting it all out here? I hear you about intellectual imcompatibility, as this is something I've run into as well, but in my experience you know very VERY soon if someone isn't clever enough for you in the ways that matter to you.

 

I still can't work out why, if you can think of nothing you like about her and you can think of so much you dislike, there is even a question in your mind about continuing the relationship.

[Momene]

Now many would condemn you for saying what you just did. I don't because I know EXACTLY how you feel. When I was single and didn't have a girlfriend, I didn't have sex because I didn't enjoy sex outside of a relationship. However, there comes a point in a decaying relationship (like this one is) that having sex with your "partner" feels just like a casual fling or visit to a professional.

 

I don't know what your living arrangements are but if you are dependent on a joint income to pay rent or mortgage, it does feel humiliation to move back to your parents (again, done that). Yet, it doesn't mean you have to spend a lifetime or the next 5 years with them. In fact, it can even give you a breathing space while you get your life in order.

 

If you stay with her, you'll get more and more frustrated and get older while your time to meet someone you can really connect with gets shorter and shorter.

 

I wish you good luck as you'll need it.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's arrogant in the least to want someone who is at your level of intelligence or higher. I won't date someone who I don't perceive to be at least as intelligent as I am for some of the same reasons you listed. For me, I think it's far better to be alone than to be in a relationship of convenience. But that's just me.

[annie24]

i think the more time you spend with this woman, the less time you have to meet a woman who is right for you. you already know this woman isn't the woman of your dreams, so why keep doing this to yourself? Do yourself and her a favor and let her go. or just stay and enjoy the mediocre sex and terrible conversations.