Can I date if I still love my ex?

[Cyprian]

Or more importantly, how long after a break-up should I wait before dating? I assume a year or so, if I am still in love with my ex, I should suck it up and try to date someone else.

 

As of now, I don't even want to see a woman...I know that is quite odd, but I assure you I am not gay. I just cannot bring myself to deal with another relationship for so many different reasons.

 

The thing is, I feel that dating, or at least being in the presense of a woman would help me in my healing process. It would help me get over my ex, and forget her for a little bit. It would also finally allow me to prove to myself that my ex wasn't the only nice woman out there...she wasn't the only one for me...there are other fish in the sea, etc. etc.

 

Anyway my question is basically this: I know that I should not date other women until I am over my ex, that wouldn't be good for me, and it wouldn't be fair to the woman that I date...but if I love my ex forever, how long until I can date?

[chai714]

I don't think using people as a means to "get over your ex" is fair to them. In fact, it's not. Healing is a process by which you confront yourself, your emotions and learn how to manage them. At some point, you must question yourself and analyze to see if you're making progress. If you believe your ex could possibly be an obsession then learn how to get over the obsession. Surely, you seem to want to heal and want to move forward but aren't quite sure how? You can still hold a special place in your heart for your ex AND move forward with your lovelife. Once you fully accept and realize that you can, you will. Until then, I don't recommend dating.

[kate111]

I think it is fine to date others and not immoral at all.

 

I'd be honest with the people you date though and let them know the space you are in right now.

[JoeWho]

Cyprian,

I am pretty much in the same boat as you. I sometimes get the urge to start dating again, but then feel that I am not ready also. Friends who have gone through breakups of long term relationships say that eventually you will just know when its time to start dating again. I hope they are right because right now it seems so far away.

[terk2021]

It is definitely not right to use people to get over your ex. Time is the process that helps us get over our past. However, I would not shut yourself off from going out and having fun with friends and family. You might actually meet someone in the process. If you go out with them a few times, and see things may be leading down a path that you are not ready for, then admit to them that you enjoy their company, and want to spend time with them, but are not ready for anything more than that.

 

I am actually in the process of ending a 3 month "rebound" relationship, and I do feel bad about it. We had been friends for a long time, but I would rather end it now knowing that her feelings are growing for me much quicker than mine are for her.

[This is Horrible]

i am not ready to date yet, but at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later, i will be dating again.

 

dating will give you some hope that there are others out there and give you further insurance that life does go on without your ex.

 

i do not advise you to jump into dating 2 weeks after a breakup, but when you accept that your old relationship is over and are ready to meet new people then you shouldnt hold back because life is way too short to let someone who doesnt wanna be with you dictate what happens in your life.

[Orlander]

Time is not enough!!!

 

Take time to mourn the relationship and work out the things you personally need to work on, but action MUST be taken in order to heal. Time alone will NOT mend a broken heart!!!

 

Force yourself to be social. Force yourself to do things, to expand on your life and who you are as a person. Restablish who you are and what you want.

 

If you are open and honest with someone, I see no reason not to start dating after an initial time of healing and reflection. I think it's wise to reconnect with women in general. If you don't have many female friends, get some!!

 

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you are moving on and that you just dont care to date. That's not moving on if what you really want is to be in a relationship, to get married one day and have children.

 

Again, I am not condoning using women to get over your ex. That leads to trouble. I am saying to get back out there and be social and hone and practice your social dating skills.

 

I wish I had done this instead of convincing myself over the span of a year that I just wasnt ready to date. i was just too darned scared to try again!!!

 

 

Orlander

[chai714]

 

dating will give you some hope that there are others out there and give you further insurance that life does go on without your ex.

 

 

It's actually not hope that there are others out there. There are! Before you met your ex, you didn't think, "gee, I hope there's someone out there for me." The fact is that there are people out there whom are compatible with you and there are also people who are not. Dating simply gives you the choice to say "yes" or "no" to those who you think it could work or not.

 

Keep your head up and be confident in the millions of single people out there. Surely, there's at least one who you will like.

[renaissancewoman101]

I think you should take the time to grieve the loss of your relationship and then go out there and meet new people. It will help you get over your ex as well as make new friends and find stuff to do. If this leads to dating, that's ok too. Just take it slow and tell the other person that you want to take things slow. They'll understand.

 

Good luck. Breakups are hard.

[lady00]

I think dating before being over an ex is fine. Dating is supposed to be about fun. It's not about making a quick committment. I think you should do what feels right. Besides, dating shouldn't be about setting a benchmark or a timeline. If and when you meet someone dateworthy then ask them out and have fun. It's all about the people you meet, not setting a timeline. When you meet someone you click with, and there's no way to plan this, date them. By all means, be honest and up front if you're still not over your ex at that point and they can decide for themselves what to do.

[drum4god]

I am going to disagree with the crowd here. I think you should date. Its just a date. It doesn't mean you are going to enter a relationship with the person.

 

My old boss told me how he met his wife. His girlfriend left him for another man, and on top of that eloped and got married. He was devestated. A few months after the breakup he was set up on a date. He was reluctant, but went anyway. He saw her, and the mintue they spoke there was an instant connection. Long story short, they fell in love, got married, and 25 years they are still together, and happy.

 

I am not saying you need to jump into a relationship, but if you live your life by a formula, you may miss out. Go on a date, try and have fun, and just be honest with your date. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

Just my 2 cents. You keep the change.

[longhaircats]

My old boss told me how he met his wife. His girlfriend left him for another man, and on top of that eloped and got married. He was devestated. A few months after the breakup he was set up on a date. He was reluctant, but went anyway. He saw her, and the mintue they spoke there was an instant connection. Long story short, they fell in love, got married, and 25 years they are still together, and happy.

 

Wow, that's nice. Lucky him! However, from my personal experiences, dating too early could be harmful as well.

 

Case1: I went on casual dates and they made me miss my ex more.

Case2: I had a rebound with guy A and hurt him, because I was in love with my ex.

Case 3: I had another rebound with guy B and he hurt me because he was also in love with his ex, and they got back together when I actually became to like him a lot.

Case 4: I met guy C and he was my first non-rebound, but he bailed with no words, so I got hurt and more depressed.

 

So now I am taking time off from dating!

[caro33]

It really depends doesn't it? Depends how long it's been, how you personally heal. It depends on what being "over" someone means.

 

I think that if you have had a few months since a breakup and you are over the worst pain, then why not date casually, like others have said. Never lead anyone on, but have fun. If you're like me, then doing this is positive because it really does remind you that the ex was not the only compatible person for you. When my major relationship ended I seriously believed I would NEVER meet anyone else.

 

If you think that being "over" someone means never thinking about them, or just being positive or ambivalent, you might be setting yourself an impossible task. I was rarely 100% "over" an ex when I started with a new relationship; I still thought about them, I still felt hurt, and I still didn't want to be involved in their lives. But I wasn't pining, I wasn't staying in contact, and the hurt was very much in the background compared to my general enjoyment of life.

 

However, I note that the title of the thread relates not to "getting over" someone but to still being in love. Are you really in love, or are you just still really hurting?

 

Just do what you want, and treat yourself and others with respect. You can't really go wrong then. Don't force anything either - no point making yourself do things you really don't want to. If you want to be single and celibate for a while, that's fine. I personally think that it's better to really live the pain and have the alone time - as long as it takes. I think you end up with less emotional baggage than the person who tried to dimiss their feelings and party hearty to cover up their pain.

[Cyprian]

To clear up some confusion, I would never use a woman to make myself feel better, I am not that type of person. When I said "It would help me get over my ex" I was really referencing the idea that I have convinced myself my ex "was the one!" when I know for a fact that cannot be true...seeing other women would help prove to myself that she wasn't the one because "one" doesn't exist...I would bet there are 10s of thousands of women on this earth who are "perfect" for me.

 

Anyway, I'm not the type of person who would use, lie to, cheat on, or disrespect a woman.

 

from my personal experiences, dating too early could be harmful as well.

 

Case1: I went on casual dates and they made me miss my ex more.

Case2: I had a rebound with guy A and hurt him, because I was in love with my ex.

Case 3: I had another rebound with guy B and he hurt me because he was also in love with his ex, and they got back together when I actually became to like him a lot.

Case 4: I met guy C and he was my first non-rebound, but he bailed with no words, so I got hurt and more depressed.

 

So now I am taking time off from dating!

 

Wow. Thanks for the inspiring post. Now I'm actually going to hide when my friends call me to come out...

 

Just kidding. I'm sorry that you had 4 bad cases, but some day you (and I) will find someone you love...and if that doesn't happen, "Love the one you're with!" Just like that Crosby Stills Nash & Young song. I always hated that song btw - the lyrics at least.

 

I think that if you have had a few months since a breakup and you are over the worst pain, then why not date casually, like others have said. Never lead anyone on, but have fun. If you're like me, then doing this is positive because it really does remind you that the ex was not the only compatible person for you. When my major relationship ended I seriously believed I would NEVER meet anyone else.

 

If you think that being "over" someone means never thinking about them, or just being positive or ambivalent, you might be setting yourself an impossible task. I was rarely 100% "over" an ex when I started with a new relationship; I still thought about them, I still felt hurt, and I still didn't want to be involved in their lives. But I wasn't pining, I wasn't staying in contact, and the hurt was very much in the background compared to my general enjoyment of life.

 

However, I note that the title of the thread relates not to "getting over" someone but to still being in love. Are you really in love, or are you just still really hurting?

 

Just do what you want, and treat yourself and others with respect. You can't really go wrong then. Don't force anything either - no point making yourself do things you really don't want to. If you want to be single and celibate for a while, that's fine. I personally think that it's better to really live the pain and have the alone time - as long as it takes. I think you end up with less emotional baggage than the person who tried to dimiss their feelings and party hearty to cover up their pain.

 

Thanks, this helps. To answer your question: Yes, I am still in love (and probably will always be - I don't see how someone can 'fall out of love' anyway). Thats the main reason why I started this thread - I will always love HER no matter what she does, no matter what comes between us, even if I keep NC going for the rest of my life

[hockeyboy]

Besides it not being fair to whoever you are dating, I don't think it's being fair to yourself.

 

After breaking up with a girl of four years I jumped right to another girl and then another one. The first girl I did not treat good. At the time I didn't even realize I was being a jerk, but looking back, I was. While with the second girl I did eventually get over the ex...but at the beginning I was not, which played a role in the breakup.

 

After that was over I had to grieve...not just one girl, but three. In retrospect, instead of healing over the first breakup, I just surpessed those feelings and tried to replace her with someone else. After dating those 3 girls I was crushed, because I never allowed myself the time to properly heal.

 

I know your initial reaction is to go find someone new...but I just see that as a weakness now. Be strong..fight thru the pain, heal yourself and then move on and welcome someone new in your life. It's the best thing for her, for you, and for your future relationship.

[Shannyn]

I agree Orlander

 

time doesn't do nothing. It's what you do with the time. Ive heard of people who have gone straight into a relationship too soon after a breakup thinking theyve done enough mourning olnly to suffer emotional problems later on down the track finding theyve stil got unresolved issues with the past.

 

Maybe in actual fact they didnt really grieve the loss at all but thought after a time they should be done grieving and instead of giving themselves permission to grieve properly theyve just pushed it all down.

 

I'm a bit in the same boat atm theres a few guys whove shown an interest in me but I scared to death of going through that hell again.

[caro33]

Thanks, this helps. To answer your question: Yes, I am still in love (and probably will always be - I don't see how someone can 'fall out of love' anyway). Thats the main reason why I started this thread - I will always love HER no matter what she does, no matter what comes between us, even if I keep NC going for the rest of my life

 

Well if put as "falling out of love" it becomes hard to define. I do think that you lose the passion over time. You think of them less, you rebuild your life without them in it. Maybe you think fondly of them sometimes but that's it.

 

Please do whatever you can to not use this language with yourself. If you are feeling heartbroken it just feels worse to say "I will always love them".

 

I guarantee that with no more contact you will feel better. I am not denigrating your love or your feelings, but I am being realistic. Have hope that it gets better, it gets easier. Take the time you need but this is grief for a lost possibility you are feeling, it's not the end of your love life in its totality.

[Cyprian]

It might feel worse to say "I will always love them"...but sooner the pain will lessen, and after that it will be gone totally. I might as well cherish the last of it, even if it is painful, because I think soon I will miss even the pain.

[longhaircats]

After that was over I had to grieve...not just one girl, but three. In retrospect, instead of healing over the first breakup, I just surpessed those feelings and tried to replace her with someone else. After dating those 3 girls I was crushed, because I never allowed myself the time to properly heal.

 

This is exactly what happened to me too. I had to grieve 4! I realized now that I didn't allow myself enough time to heal. When I look back, I wasn't even myself. I was more sensitive than normal, less confident and I was unable to put my best foot forward while dating.

 

So I think as long as you feel like you are youself, and able to enjoy dating, it should be fine, but if you are still sad and depressed, I would't recommend dating so soon.

[Cyprian]

Thanks for your perspectives. I assume I will need a good amount of time to grieve, but I'll be continuing to go out and have a fun time without specifically looking for someone. Hey, you never know when a great person might pop into your life - it would be a waste to let them go by simply because you were hurting from a previous relationship...

[TonyMar75]

Thanks for your perspectives. I assume I will need a good amount of time to grieve, but I'll be continuing to go out and have a fun time without specifically looking for someone. Hey, you never know when a great person might pop into your life - it would be a waste to let them go by simply because you were hurting from a previous relationship...

 

 

There you go, my friend. Way to work it out with the help of the amazing people here.

 

But I have another suggestion for you, and please, don't laugh.

 

My ex broke up with me just after Christmas. I was shocked, then devastated. Amazing what time can do, though. I work with her every day and it was tortuous. Suddenly, though, now it's annoying than painful, though pain is still there. I'm over it -- or, as some here prefer -- THROUGH IT.

 

Sorry, I digress. It wasn't just time that helped. After the shock wore off, (about two weeks), I hit the dating sites. Wait, wait, wait--here me out, everyone. I know there were a lot of people on this thread who say wait to date.

 

I agree--to a point.

 

Which brings me back to the suggestion for all of you reading this thread who are now where I was a month ago. Go to link removed and look around. You don't have to pay to look at what's out there. But there are SO MANY amazing people in this world, and there are some in your area, and you'll see them online. Sure, you'll compare them to your ex, and at first, no one will seem like they could possibly compare.

 

Trust me, that will fade. Time varies for everyone, but it will happen. After looking around, join. Email people. I have already found two amazing connections that really put my recent relationship in perspective. I consider myself self-aware enough to know I'm not ready for a relationship (I wish I could say the same thing for my ex, but I digress once more).

 

However, I've met a couple of amazing people in the past few weeks, and one who I do see as relationship material.

 

So many people are skeptical or downright cynical about online dating. I was. But it was one of the life rafts I use to escape the pull of despair.

 

Try it, and feel free to report back.

[Cyprian]

At some point I might check out link removed or another site like it. As of now, I don't even want a relationship - unless it is with my EX, but that is impossible now for so many reasons.

 

Once I can get back on my feet I'll see if I can meet people that my friends know, or that I meet out at a club/bar. If that doesn't work, I'll be sure to check out link removed

 

Thanks for the idea!

[rocketgirl30]

I don't think using people as a means to "get over your ex" is fair to them. In fact, it's not. Healing is a process by which you confront yourself, your emotions and learn how to manage them. At some point, you must question yourself and analyze to see if you're making progress. If you believe your ex could possibly be an obsession then learn how to get over the obsession. Surely, you seem to want to heal and want to move forward but aren't quite sure how? You can still hold a special place in your heart for your ex AND move forward with your lovelife. Once you fully accept and realize that you can, you will. Until then, I don't recommend dating.

 

 

I think you can date other people without using them. As long as you are clear with them that you just got out of a relationship with a person for which you still have feelings. Some people just like to date for fun. Be clear and up front with the people you date...perhaps consider just going out with others for practice or to make friends...however, always make your intentions clear.