Bijoux Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 OK, I´ve seen people in this board freaking out about a 7 years gap, calling it huge and junk... Well, here´s a biblical gap so you guys trully freak out on me: I´m 23 and he is 50, you do the math. We´ve only been exchanging emails and pictures, and by now I´m really into him. What can I say? I´ve been getting to know him, and so far, I like what I see. A lot. Both, inside and outside. He´s truly creative, talented, and he is... *sigh*, pretty much a hunk. He does not look younger than he is, but he does look hot as heck. He lives in another continent and there´s an ocean between us. What do I expect from all this? I´m interested in getting to know him, and spending time with him if possible. I´m not wife nor mommy material, I´m not a hubby huntress, and I´m not eager to find a potential long lasting relationship or whatever. I´ve heard before the whole "Lolita looking for a daddy" and "Lonely old fart looking for an ego boost" stories, so please don´t go there. Guess I´m looking for some kind of "outside the box" insight, rather than going all over again thru the traditional taboos about old blokes doing little girls. Thanks Link to comment
Dako Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 You should meet this fossil and find out. He may appreciate a jewel your age. Link to comment
Bijoux Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 I see you are hot fossil yourself. What could you possibly see on a rugrat besides the trophee tush? Wouldn´t a woman around your age be much more adequate in all aspects? Wouldn´t you end up feeling lonely and like you have to be babysitting most of the time? Link to comment
Honey Pumpkin Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 There is 28 years age difference between my parents - and they've been married for 44 years almost. So I'm not as shocked as you thought you would be.... Good luck! Link to comment
charley Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Why are some people so judgemental about age-gap relationships? Is it their business to tell two consenting adults who they can be with? No, it isn't. I'll tell you why there are some age-gap related judgements and disputes at E, and in society in general. Number one, there are no cultural or PC related prohibitions against being a bigot against age-gap couples. It's like a free pass to be a bigot to them. Judgemental people have fewer and fewer people and couples they can openly judge and get away with it since that's not acceptable when that bigotry is applied to inter-racial couples, or gay couples. So the bigots focus on the only target they have left that they are allowed to freely attack without social condemnation of the bigot. Age-gap couples are an easy target and judgemental people get a free pass to judge them. Inter-racial couples and gay couples are not mainstream couples because they are not the majority. However, they don't get bashed much at E because it's socially unacceptable to be judgemental to them. However, it's a free pass to jump on age-gap couples, if one is inclined to judgemental behavior. Most people are not judgemental. Most are fair minded really. However, there are enough judgemental ones around and they gravitate to this issue since they socially have a free pass to judge. That's ^ one reason why age-gap couples are sometimes maligned. I wish that members would remember that consenting adult age gap couples have the same right to exist as inter-racial couples or anyone else, and should receive the same level of tolerance. ================ The other reason they are sometimes maligned is because they often ask for it (without realizing it). They ask for it by requesting approval from the masses. They post things like, "Our age-gap is X. Is that OK? Is that acceptable? Will society accept us?" When they post things like that they are inviting, nay baiting bigots to jump up and start disapproving and condeming. I don't see inter-racial couples or gay couples asking for permission or approval from mainstream society. What I see them doing is making their choice, living it, and society can like it or lump it. I have to respect their bravery and resolve to follow their hearts, and their wisdom not to ask for opinions or approval. Just do it. By not asking for approval, nor soliciting opinions from the masses, they end up receiving more tolerance as a result, and less conflict. If age-gap couples would just do what they want to do (consenting adults) and stop asking for permission, or approval, or opinions from society, then they would receive more toleration and there would be little or no disputes about it because no one's opinion was solicited. So my advice to age-gap couples, or those wanting to enter into such a relationship, is just do what you want with who you want, assuming you are both consenting adults, and don't ask for others opinions about it. Then you'll receive more tolerance, and certainly less conflict. As for myself, if I end up dating a younger woman, or one my age, I might post that I'm dating someone, but I won't even mention if she's younger or not because it's no one's business and I'm not asking for permission or approval or opinions on that. I remember last year being interested in a 25 year old woman, and I told one of my married lady friends about it (friend was 30 at the time). Friend said, why even mention her age? She's 25 and an adult. So it doesn't matter. thereforeeee, don't mention it to anyone cause it doesn't matter and it's none of their business anyway. People usually won't make a big deal out of things, unless you invite them too. The biggest blame and root cause of age-gap couples occasionally getting bashed, is still the age-gap couples themselves raising the issue, then asking for approval and opinions about. Just do what you're going to do and don't ask society for permission, approval, or opinions. If it's legal and between consenting adults, it's OK. Period. Inter-racial couples don't ask society for permission. Gay couples don't ask permission. They just do what they want as they have every right to do. Age-gap couples should follow their example and assert your rights, instead of meekly requesting them. Just do what you want and don't ask permission, approval, or for opinions. I am of course referring to consenting adults. ============ This thread is interesting, but it's also provacative. Why provoke controversy? Are you asking for permission or approval from the majority? You don't need it. Asking for it only invites intolerance. It sounds to me like you aren't asking us what should can or should do, you are telling us. I like your attitude of self determination. I like that you aren't asking for opinions, approval, or permission. However, why tell us the age diff at all? Why not just do it? If you really are as self assured as you seem, then why not just do it and not raise the issue publicly? Why invite controversy, unless you really are looking for opinions. My opinion is follow your heart, and do consult with friends. You can even ask for public opinon if you want it. However, in the end, you have to decide for yourself and follow your heart. Either date the older guy, or don't. You don't need our approval or permission. However, I'll tell you that I do approve of your thinking for yourself and following your heart since you are an adult. How's that for outside the box? I also think it's quite accurate. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 You are an adult and you can choose who you want to date. However that does not mean that people are going to comment on it. That you cannot stop. If you want to meet this man then do so, it is your life to live. Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 You're over eighteen? He's over eighteen? You get along, and treat each other right? Mazel Tov! Hang the cluckin' neighbors. Hooray for love! Link to comment
Mr Mister1 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Actually I'd think the bigger problem is the ocean between the two of you, unless one of you plans to move. Otherwise I guess if you're happy to just travel over there and meet him then go for it! Link to comment
charley Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Actually I'd think the bigger problem is the ocean between the two of you, unless one of you plans to move. Otherwise I guess if you're happy to just travel over there and meet him then go for it! Right on. I agree. Link to comment
charley Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 You are an adult and you can choose who you want to date. However that does not mean that people are NOT going to comment on it. That you cannot stop. If you want to meet this man then do so, it is your life to live. True. Some will always talk. A few might even have the nerve to say something to you. Bijoux, you can ignore them. However, don't invite them to comment. If you ask their opinion, that is inviting comment, which might be a good or bad comment. If you just do what you do, then they can see by example that it works for you and then will either learn to accept or ignore it. Most people really wouldn't care anyway. I think the majority of people are accepting people. It's just the minority that aren't. There is a nut (or bigot) or two in every crowd. Don't invite them to raise their hands by asking their opinions, or even by announcing your ages. If you ignore it, most others will too. Link to comment
charley Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I can understand why you started a thread about it. When I first came to E I posted a lot about age-gap because I was interested in the subject. It was from those experiences and a local experience, that I learned to just do as I think best, and not ask 3rd party opinions. I learned not to raise age-gap issues because they can get very unpleasant sometimes. Yet, if you just do as you please and don't ask for opinions, you can avoid most controversy. That's not just true of age-gap issues, it's true of many things. However, I can understand why you started the thread. I hope it does you some good. Link to comment
Bijoux Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 By not asking for approval, nor soliciting opinions from the masses, they end up receiving more tolerance as a result, and less conflict...do what you want with who you want, assuming you are both consenting adults, and don't ask for others opinions about it... That is so true Charley...Wow! This thread is interesting, but it's also provacative. Why provoke controversy? Are you asking for permission or approval from the majority? You don't need it. Asking for it only invites intolerance. I'm not trying to provoke controversy, although I completely understand that there are rather conservative people out there, and there's nothing much I can do about it. I don't feel I'm asking for validation either... I didn't say things like "please tell me that I'm not looking for a daddy by doing this..." If I finally decide this person is worth it, I don't care if there are angry mobs with torchs outside my house LOL Perhaps I'm just sharing? However, why tell us the age diff at all? Why not just do it? If you really are as self assured as you seem, then why not just do it and not raise the issue publicly? Why invite controversy, unless you really are looking for opinions. I need an unbiased point of view from the outside. Just to see if I'm ignoring something important towards all this, is more about not wanting to make a huge mistake rather than needing validation from the public. That's why I said I was looking for insight, thoughts, and not opinions, judgements or permission... See, if I hadn't posted this, I wouldn't have received great insight like yours Charley. It is worth it, even if it means I'm gonna receive crap from other people along with it. Thanks a bunch, I really appreciate it. Link to comment
Bijoux Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 You are an adult and you can choose who you want to date. However that does not mean that people are going to comment on it. That you cannot stop. If you want to meet this man then do so, it is your life to live. I know. People will never shut up. If it's not the age gap, it's because you are too fat, too thin, too gay, too white, to latin, to tall, too short, too single, too unemployed, too underpaid, too undergraduate... Yeah, in the end it is OUR lives. Thanks DW. Link to comment
Bijoux Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 I learned not to raise age-gap issues because they can get very unpleasant sometimes. Yet, if you just do as you please and don't ask for opinions, you can avoid most controversy. That's not just true of age-gap issues, it's true of many things. However, I can understand why you started the thread. I hope it does you some good. As I said, is not for validation. I don't look for that, I know is impossible trying to keep everybody happy. I have the right to live my life and make my own choices/mistakes as long as I'm not directly affecting a third party. This is more about curiosity about an uncharted territory for me: older guys. As the questions I asked to Dako in a previous post. LOL, I know they're just people, but I can't help to feel like we come from different universes at times, because of the major difference in life experience and such. Link to comment
Bijoux Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 There is 28 years age difference between my parents - and they've been married for 44 years almost. So I'm not as shocked as you thought you would be.... Good luck! That's rare. You have seen posts in here with people saying that 4 years is a gap yes? LOL Age differences and age gaps are not the same thing I guess... Thanks Link to comment
Bijoux Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 However, don't invite them to comment. If you ask their opinion, that is inviting comment, which might be a good or bad comment. If you just do what you do, then they can see by example that it works for you and then will either learn to accept or ignore it. Guess I made a silly mistake, that is, telling friends, by showing off this guys's picture LOL I know, I know.... Is just that, there's a hunk in my mail and I want everybody to know Nah, seriously. By their reactions and stuff I really did learn that the best policy it to keep it to myself. Only mentioning appears to be like an invitation to be judged, which can be really really annoying, and completely unwanted. Link to comment
Ixtapa Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I say don't worry too much about the age gap. You could have the best time of your life with this guy and you won't know unless you try. People keep saying that you should think about the future and that the age gap will become more and more difficult to bear but truth is, you could date a guy your own age and break up in 6 months. Just forget about what people think and do what feels right for you Link to comment
Dako Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I see you are hot fossil yourself. What could you possibly see on a rugrat besides the trophee tush? Wouldn't a woman around your age be much more adequate in all aspects? Wouldn´t you end up feeling lonely and like you have to be babysitting most of the time? A woman my age can be dazzling, but so can women of any age. Being my age doesn't seem to be that important. I don't need a clone of myself to keep me company, and I meet few single women my age who share my interests. I would guess you're far from a baby, and a guy my age sees women differently from a 20something. Despite the popular term "dirty old man" we don't get dirtier with age at all. In my case, I'll never be as obsessed with sex as I was in my youth, and find women beautiful even above the neckline. In fact, in the last few decades, women of all ages and types seem to have gotten more attractive. Age gaps are ususally fodder for yentas and lonely people who snipe at the happiness of others. Sure, there can be problems from age differences, but other differences can be as troubling. Like navels, everyone has an opinion. BTW, If you're in an interracial pairing, would you want to be referred to as an interracial couple, or just a couple? I think the term age-gap is equally tedious. It denies other facets of the relationship. Link to comment
charley Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Guess I made a silly mistake, that is, telling friends, by showing off this guys's picture LOL I know, I know.... Is just that, there's a hunk in my mail and I want everybody to know Nah, seriously. By their reactions and stuff I really did learn that the best policy it to keep it to myself. Only mentioning appears to be like an invitation to be judged, which can be really really annoying, and completely unwanted. Well, I'm 38 and I made that same mistake as you last year when I was 37. Experience doesn't come from age, it comes from experiences. I learned this stuff last year. When I told one of my married women friends who is 30 that I had a mutual like with a lady who was 25, my married friend said that's great, but her age doesn't matter. So why did you mention it? Don't mention it to anyone again because it's NOT relevant, NOT an issue, and none of their business, unless you invite others to make it a problem by raising the issue. So next time I have a GF, I will tell my friends I have a GF, but I won't mention her age no matter whether she is younger, or my age. It doesn't matter, and not mentioning it shows it doesn't matter, and prevents it from mattering. However, I can't fault you for your mistakes because I made the same mistakes myself, which is how I learned these things. Most people are tolerant even if you do raise the issue, but some aren't. If you don't raise the issue, then almost all are tolerant, and the ones who aren't tolerant are not your problem since you didn't invite them to express their opinion. 1 Link to comment
sidehop Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 We need more people like you Charley. Well said. Link to comment
Bijoux Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 Don't mention it to anyone again because it's NOT relevant, NOT an issue, and none of their business, unless you invite others to make it a problem by raising the issue. SO TRUE. Me and everyone out there in this situation should remember that. Link to comment
melrich Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I am in an "age gap" relationship myself (it seems it is usually defined as 10 years+). To a degree I think a lot of the stigma has gone out of it as ages have become more compressed. There are still issues of course when one of the individuals is under 18 or whatever the age of consent is where you are. Having been here (enotalone) for 4 years I have rarely seen anyone criticise and age gap except in underage instances ( the only one I can remember was the 16 year old boy and the 51 year old man). Link to comment
Bijoux Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 BTW, If you're in an interracial pairing, would you want to be referred to as an interracial couple, or just a couple? I think the term age-gap is equally tedious. It denies other facets of the relationship. Thanks a bunch Dako. Yeah, I agree. We give an overwhelming importance to the gap factor, like if it was what defines absolutely everything else between you and the other person. It's really not. This may sound cliche, but if I get along with someone I've met online, the age is the last thing on my mind. If I can talk, laugh thru things, feel aroused or intelectually stimulated... well I'm not gonna change all that for some dude that is supposedly more "convenient" for me just because he is around my age... and... that's it. A twenty something is not necesarily a better choice, just because he doesn't look like my father Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 nothing wrong with the age gap, if you want to date someone older, go for it... but please be careful about the distance and foreign country thing... as one would with any cyber relationship where you don't really know the person or how real they are about themselves, regardless of their age... and be careful if he asks you to meet him alone in certain foreign countries, even if he sends the money to get you there... there are lots of weirdos out there, and young girls getting kidnapped by guys (old and young) for their own dangerous and illegal purposes. Link to comment
charley Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 but please be careful about the distance and foreign country thing... as one would with any cyber relationship where you don't really know the person or how real they are about themselves, regardless of their age... and be careful if he asks you to meet him alone in certain foreign countries, even if he sends the money to get you there... there are lots of weirdos out there, and young girls getting kidnapped by guys (old and young) for their own dangerous and illegal purposes. Yes. Those are valid concerns. Be careful there. Link to comment
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