I can beat Douglas and Zeta-Jones butt...

[Bijoux]

Yes. Those are valid concerns. Be careful there.

Arrghh I know.

 

I just wonder when do you stop having valid concerns and being careful and start getting paranoid. There's a very thin line... And I don't have an X Ray view to see who's a weirdo and who's not... I'm trusting my gut here and he seems like a good guy. I don't feel uneasy or like he is trying to use me... but then again I can be awfully wrong and end up choped up in a garbage bag? Gawd... I don't like implying that about him, after all the things we've said...

 

And also, and sorry for getting cynical here... but why would a weirdo invest so much money in kidnapping some girl in the other side of the world while he can kidnap local ones much more easily and without spending all that $$$?

[Dako]

He knows he has to make you comfortable, and should offer to meet in a public place, introduce you to family or friends, and make himself somewhat vulnerable to you as well.

Does he offer these concessions to your safety, or do you bring them up?

[Bijoux]

He knows he has to make you comfortable, and should offer to meet in a public place, introduce you to family or friends, and make himself somewhat vulnerable to you as well.

Does he offer these concessions to your safety, or do you bring them up?

He... well, both of us, have slightly toyed with the idea of meeting and all the obvious hanky panky, but the truth is, for now I have other plans and stuff going on.

 

I cannot ask for several days of permission on my job in order to be with him, if he came, and I definitely can't fly to the other side of the world since I would have to give a damn bunch of explanations, and that's a price I'm not willing to pay really. Plus, my savings are destined for other stuff. And he cannot fly here just for a coffee so... It's definitely not the time for me.

 

BUT; this is great:

 

"make himself somewhat vulnerable to you as well"

 

A piece of advice I'll definitely consider if we ever get to meet. =D>

[BeStrongBeHappy]

why spend time and money on you?

 

there are some foreign countries where a young white blond or just young American girls sell for a lot of money... being held captive, sold into prostitution and unable to escape that country, endure beatings, violence etc. many young girls who are tempted into singing/acting/modelling abroad and NOT with valid modeling agencies have run into this trouble. some young girls go to meet potential boyfriends in foreign countries, where the person then beats and forces them as their pimp into prositution.

 

please do web research on the person, the country, and the particular circumstances before you agree to meet ANYONE, anywhere, especially in a strange country. and when you do meet them, do it here, in the company of many people, and research the other person's connections before agreeing to intimacy or seclusion with them.

 

i worked with one girl who met a man from a foreign country who claimed to from a wealthy noble 'old' European family with lots of family money... he swept her off her feet, bought her a large diamond ring, paid for her to get a b**b job, then got her to quit her job and move to Florida with him where he claimed he was going to start up an elegant bar/restaurant with his family money. but not long after she moved down there to be with him he was arrested for being an international drug dealer/smuggler/pimp, and the whole thing was a sham of lies, and she was on her way to being pimped by him, but luckily he got arrested and she got free...

 

so please, please be careful... don't let any flattery or the 'excitement' or 'mystery' of on older foreign man sweep you off your feet and cloud your reason. he could just be harmless and trolling for fun with a young girl, but he could also have other purposes in mind, and be an expert at seducing young girls and sweep them off their feet and convince them to override their own good judgment...

[Bijoux]

Wow.

 

I think I'm gonna be sick.

 

Thanks I guess.

[Bijoux]

OK, after an hour of emotional barfing, churning guts and utter paranoia, I thought of something that makes sense (at least to me):

 

The Principle of Presumption of Innocence is phrased such that "the accused is presumed to be innocent until it has been proven guilty"

 

 

In contrast to the "authoritarian" (IMO) statement made by BSBH (that basically is saying that guys in other countries you meet online are all potential pimps/kidnappers until I can hire Interpol to do an intensive research on the dude):

 

...in many authoritarian regimes the prosecution case is, in practice, believed by default unless the accused can prove he is innocent, a practice called presumption of guilt. Many people believe that presumption of guilt is unfair and even immoral because it allows the strategic targeting of any individual, since it's often difficult to firmly establish proof of innocence...

 

The fact that I feel fond of they dude for now, does not mean that my reasoning is clouded. Luckily I'm not the kind of guy that lets the sentiments rule over the reason, as you can see from this post *wink*

 

I don't expect anyone to agree with me, but personally, I cannot go thru life assuming that everyone is some kind of criminal until I can prove it wrong. I choose to keep my eyes open and assume that people is innocent until proven guilty. Even with all the paranoia and gory news in the air.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[melrich]

I cannot go thru life assuming that everyone is some kind of criminal until I can prove it wrong.

 

I don't think anyone was suggesting that. Just that you be aware and maintain an APPROPRIATE degree of caution.

[Bijoux]

I don't think anyone was suggesting that. Just that you be aware and maintain an APPROPRIATE degree of caution.

 

Yep.

 

That's why I mentioned:

I choose to keep my eyes open

 

Wide open heh

[charley]

I do think you should introduce your BF to your friends and family, if/when that becomes appropriate.

 

I would introduce my GF (if I had one), even if she was 20 or 23 or 25 or 30 or whatever. I'd introduce her and not even mention the age thing.

 

Sure they've got eyes and can see she's younger than me, but I'm not bringing the subject up.

 

If they bring it up, I'll tell them thanks for caring about me, but this is a non-issue because we like each other. (no further explanation required)

 

They might object at that point, but just stand firm on the fact that it doesn't matter to you, and it's your life.

 

That's if they bring it up. If they didn't bring it up, then neither would I (neither should you).

 

===============

 

My sister married a Mexican guy. She never asked our opinion about it. I mean, she never asked her friends or her family. She just told my dad one night that she had a BF she wanted to bring him home to meet the parents. He says fine. She then says, "I just want to let you know in advance that he's Mexican - so you aren't surprised."

 

So she gave fair warning so no one would do a double-take, but at no time did she ever ask permission or for opinions. She just told us, "This is my boyfriend." It wasn't open for discussion or opinions. Her attitude was that we could like it or lump it, but she hoped we'd be accepting.

 

She'd secretly dated him ongoing for a while first to make sure he was worth it.

However, she did tell her best girl friend right away because it's smart and safe to have one friend who knows who you are with and where you are going on a date in the beginning before you know the guy. That's for safety.

 

My sister is smart.

 

After she knew he was worth it, only then did she start making introductions to family and other friends.

They've been happily married for 3 years now and have a kid.

 

We aren't bigots. We were fine with it. I mean fine with him being Mexican. Now with a guy, any guy, touching my sister, I admit I was not fine with that. Everytime he put his arm around her I felt the instinctive urge to snarl, but that wasn't cause he's Mexican. I'd have been the same with any guy. However, I suppressed the urge to say, "Get your arm off my sister" and I was nice to him.

 

One thing you have to take into account is that most men have a natural instinct to protect their sister or daughter from any guy, of any color, of any age.

 

My sister is same with me. Anytime I had a GF (the few times), she could scarcely suppress a snarl, and both I and my GF could detect it. She's very protective of her brother for at least the first week.

 

After about a week, I got used to her BF putting his arm around her. If he'd been a white guy, it'd have been the same. After a week, I got used to the idea that my sister is an adult and not a little girl anymore.

 

Apparently it also takes her a week to adjust when I have a GF. Same thing.

[charley]

As for the safety concerns that others have expressed, I do share their concerns. Not because he's older than you, but because he's far away from you, you haven't met him yet, and I don't think you fully know him yet. Those are my concerns for you.

[Bijoux]

Thanks again, Charley.

 

It wasn't open for discussion or opinions. Her attitude was that we could like it or lump it

This is it

 

(thumbs up)

[charley]

Yes, but that ^ was after she'd already secretly dated him long enough to know he was worth it.

 

Initially, she didn't know if he was worth it. I think you're still at the not knowing phase since you've NOT spent a lot of face to face time with this guy in person yet. So you don't know yet, if he's worthy of you, or even if he's trustworthy or safe. So don't get to comfortable to fast.

 

My sister secretly dated her BF for a while first so she could find out if he was worth it. However, she did tell her best friend knew who she was with, where they were, and when she'd be back. That way she could be safer because in the beginning, she didn't know him yet. Don't forget to have at least one or two friends fully informed at all times, and have them meet him, so they can look out for you and call police if you disappeared or something. Seriously. Also, make sure he knows those friends are keeping tabs on you and expect to hear from you. A nice guy would understand your caution and accept it. A bad guy would think twice about hurting you, if he knew your friends are keeping tabs on you and expect you to call them at least once a day.

 

I'm not afraid of age-gap relationships because I've been in one very good one, and one OK one (both years ago). In one case I was the younger person, in the other I was the older person. Both of those relationships were better for me than the same age relationships I've had with women. So I'm comfortable with age-gap relationships.

 

However, long distance relationships are another matter entirely. They have the potential to be scary or dangerous since you don't really know this guy yet, and if you go to his country, you will be at his mercy. Since he's older than you, I think he should travel to you, at least the first time. My personal prior experiences with long distance relationships have left me skeptical of them. I'll leave it to others to explain the reasons and cautions of long distance relationships, and the problems that occur even when the other person is a good person. I prefer to stay local myself.

 

So while I do support your right to be an adult and make your own decisions, I do also caution you to protect yourself. I'll leave it to others to cover the details of how and why.

[Dako]

Bijoux,

 

What attracts you to the old fellow?

Just geriatricurious?

[Bijoux]

Bijoux,

 

What attracts you to the old fellow?

Just geriatricurious?

 

LOL, Dako, you are geriatri-licious hehehehe

 

As I said, so far I like what I see and what I read, and what I hear... A GODDAMN LOT. So far, I've got no reasons to start thinking about ropes and knives, kidnappings and serial murders. I feel like I wanna get to know him better, and yeah, I also feel like I wanna get in his pants. I'm very attracted to the old fart

 

The fact that he is *that* age, does not stop me from keep feeling that way. I know the age factor is a dealbreaker for many people, but not for me at the moment. Perhaps in the future I'll look back and say to myself "WTEff were you thinking?!?!" but I cannot know that. And the idea of trying hard to see the future in order not to make mistakes in the present makes me so tired.

 

I'm not trying to be a rebel here, but I don't believe in doing or not doing things just because that's not what "people" is "expecting" from you... I don't care about being politically correct. I rather come out and play

 

Like you said, there are other dimensions that end up overpowered by the age factor, and it is not fair. Rejecting someone because of a number is just like racism (rejecting someone because of a chromatic quality).

 

Whadayathink?

 

Am I just being a gal? O

[charley]

I wasn't trying to scare you off from the guy. I was just saying that some caution is reasonable, especially since he's far away and you haven't met him yet. I'm not saying he's a bad guy or a good guy. I'm just saying be careful as you explore and find out. At the same time, assert your right as an adult to explore and find out. Just keep one or two close friends in the loop if you travel to go see him, or if he travels to come see you. He's probably a fine guy. However, until you know for sure, take some precautions, but do explore it.

 

My concerns are to do with the distance and that you don't know him in person yet. Age has nothing to do with it, IMO. If he was your age and lived in another country, I'd be giving you the same cautions. Age is not the issue. The issue is the long distance element of this. That is an issue that you might be able to work through. I say "might" because I think any long distance relationship is difficult. Once you get to know him, if you find out he's safe, then that's a major obstacle out of the way.

 

As for age, well that only matters to the extent that it matters to you. If it doesn't matter to you, then it doesn't matter. If it matters to some others, that's their problem. Many would be fine with it.

 

It's the long distance issues that must be dealt with, including safely getting to know him. That has to do with distance. It has nothing to do with age. Statistically, older men are safer than younger men with regard to rape or violence, though everyone is an individual and must be taken as an individual.

 

My concerns with him are limited to distance and the fact that you don't yet know him in person. Those are valid concerns, but have nothing to do with age. If you travel to go see him, you need to keep a local friend in your area well informed and expecting you to call everyday. He's probably a fine guy, but you can't assume. You have to find out one step at a time with your friend backing you up by expecting your daily call.

 

I support your right as an adult to explore this, but I also want you to be safe about it.

[Bijoux]

to do with distance. It has nothing to do with age. Statistically, older men are safer than younger men with regard to rape or violence, though everyone is an individual and must be taken as an individual.

 

Woah the rapist factor again.

 

I would just like to point that I came here asking for advice about AGE GAPS not about safety issues.

 

And also, I think it's interesting how it is automatically assumed that I am the tiny helpless damsel while he is the big mean serial killer.

 

If he came here, asking for advice about age gaps, the discussion would keep gravitating about that. I doubt people started telling him to be careful, because I might duct tape him and beath him to death.

 

What if I was the bad guy here? Serial killer, bounty hunter, swindler, maneater, you name it. Ever gave it a thought?

 

I just think it's beginning to get reaaaaaaaally sexist.

[Dako]

What if I was the bad guy here? Serial killer, bounty hunter, swindler, maneater, you name it. Ever gave it a thought?

.

 

I'm sure his friends have warned him about you already.

[Bijoux]

I'm sure his friends have warned him about you already.

 

Good. Fair enough.

 

I've spent all this time worried about myself, while perhaps he is also feeling uneasy about me.

 

He has been coming completely clean about everything so far. So have I.

 

And still the doubts remain eh?

 

Wish there was an easier way to prove each other that we're not fictions.

[Dako]

If he speaks English let us check him out.