How to Get and Keep the Person You Desire

[kamurj]

Can't explain,

It appears from what you've written she doesn't want to be romantically involved with you. As a coach and therapist to hundreds of women over the years I'll tell you exactly what that means. Platonic. Brother and sister like. No sex. No kissing. No hooking up. Just a male friend for her to tell her troubles to, to complain about other men to. Even though it sounds like you shared your feelings with her about things going further, she's just doesn't seem to be interested. Sorry about that. It happens to all of us, you need to mourn and grieve the loss of your hope that something would come of your friendship with her. I would let her go because she seems very invested in just saying friends and this is not turning into a romantic situation. Try to put your energies into looking for a new woman who is highly romantically interested into you.

 

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

Freedom,

I agree that one should only try to get someone who is interested to a certain degree to desire them. Sometimes its just not there for people we desire. We can stand on our heads and hang from chandeleirs but they're just not feeling it. However, we do have certain things we can do to encourage feelings that are there and not sabotage or contaminate feelings that do exist. For instance, in a new dating situation calling someone way too much unfortunately turns people off. I've known situations where a man or woman liked the person they were originally dating only to get turned off by their desperate behavior. This is sad to say but if that person had only contained their anxiety by going to a therapist or dating coach or talking to their friends more rather than compulsively calling the new romantic interest up too much, the relationship may have lasted. (I write about this in my book "Don't Call That Man!") I've seen this happen many times. Unfortunately people don't unconditionally accept people when they're first getting to know somebody. In the beginning people get turned off very easily. It's not a game. It's life.

 

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

Little fish,

Why do you want to contact him again? Who ended it? If he did, then don't call him. If you ended it, why do you want to call somebody you ended it with. Are you lonely? Having a hard time meeting someone new? Try to understand the reasons behind wanting to call him rather than calling him. Try reading my book "Don't Call That Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go." Letting go is one of my specialties. If this is very difficult for you consider contacting me for a consultation.

 

Rhonda Findling

[freedom]

what do you do with a person that say they love you but are sure that they are 'in love' with you. When the relationship goes through a tempory breakup only to get together again. When the S.O cannot understand why they ended it but also don't know why they WANT to be with you. (commitment phobe?)

confusion?

How do i solve this problem?

[kamurj]

At this point we will stop taking new questions to give Rhonda an opportunity to post an answer to remaining questions.

 

Rhonda I want to thank you for your time, for coming over to answer our questions. I hope we will have many other opportunities to host discussions with you here. Thank you.

[Cadence308]

Dear Rhonda,

 

Thank you for your response concerning my question. I think you have a point regarding my sensitivity and fear of rejection. I think that I will take a chance and greet her and say hello.

 

Ballys

[kamurj]

eclipse

This sounds like an unhealthy relationship. She sounds like an ambivalent woman. You have to mourn and grieve the end of the relationship and try to find somebody else now. My book "Don't Call That Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go" is for men as well. Just change the man in the title to woman. It's all the same. In the book, I have a ten-step program on how to let go of someone.

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

mike`ca

Sorry about your girlfriend's trauma however you're being very co-dependent about this. She has the choice to go for counseling and get help so that she doesn't feel traumatized when a man touches her. Not everybody responds to what she's been through the way she does. If she wants to not go for help and keep your relationshp very limited there is nothing you can do about it. I suggest you detach yourself and consider finding a new relationship with somebody else. You can't force her to change.

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

thlst3

She's not interested. Do not communicate with her anymore. Just accept it as a dating situation that didn't go anywhere.

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

violin girl

I noticed you live in NYC. Maybe you should consider joining the support group that I run in Manhattan. You could find out more about it on my website.

One thing you can do to assure yourself that you'll meet someone else is to continue trying to get over this guy. You said that you are in less pain than in the past which is a good sign and your pain will continue to diminish if you have no contact with him. You may be suffering a little more now because you had a contact with him. You have to continue to do whatever it takes to get over him. Perhaps you should try another therapist, my support group, other forms of healing. Sometimes if people are ruminating too much over a love object that's no longer there, they might try anti-depressants which sometimes help control intrusive thoughts. You have no choice but to move on because he's gone. If you're going to sit around waiting for him to come back you're wasting your life away and other opportunities for love or happiness with someone else. Or even by yourself.

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

badasslegend92

Every relationship is a risk. Living is a risk. Any of us can go at any moment. Not to get so philosophical but you have to hang loose a little. Just go with flow. Chill!! Just live your life. If it's meant to break up, it's meant to break up. There's nothing you can do about it. If it ends it's painful but I'm sure you'll survive. You survived the other endings even though it was hard.

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

weeblie

Why would you want to initiate talking to him again? Don't you feel angry that after a few dates he ended it and said let's just be friends? How insulting is that? He may be staring at you but who knows why? Maybe he's getting a kick out of seeing if you're suffering from what happened? Maybe he likes teasing you by staring at you so you could wonder why he's staring at you. If he were interested in dating you again it sure sounds like he's aggressive enough to ask you out and tell you he wants to date you again. I would just continue to be civil to him (if you want to) but beyond that I wouldn't bother with him anymore. Try reading my book, "The Commitment Cure" where I discuss men like him who send double messages.

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

meantime

 

This is a difficult situation. Here's my impression.

I think it's unrealistic for you to think that a man who has broken up with his wife or girlfriend to not have sex with another woman. Most men in my clinical and personal experience have sex with other women when they break up with girlfriends or wives. Women react differently. Many women will be like you and psychologically work on recovery and not sleep with another man. Not all the time but generally.

I think it was great that he was willing to go for counselling. Maybe you should consider trying it. Because I don't know all the details - age, your past relationship histories, it's hard to give more specific advice. Perhaps you can consider contacting me for a consultation. However, I will say that if you are very much in love with him and he's only done this to you once then maybe it's not the worst gamble in the world to give him another chance. Sometimes women who let men go have regrets later on because it's so hard to meet someone they can fall in love with who reciprocates their feelings. Please remember that this feedback is without knowing either of your background or history.

Rhonda Findling

[kamurj]

lizziebee

His behavior is not because of how you met him. This is who he is. He sounds very unstable with all his rages, jealousy, distancing, clinging, etc. I agree that sometimes he devalues women and other times he idealizes them. I hope I'm not going out too much on a limb here to give a diagnosis but it almost sounds from what you've written like he's character disordered. He sounds like he needs psychological help. Why do you want to be with somebody who's so emotionally high maintenance?

Rhonda Findling

[linda5]

Hi Rhonda, Thanks in advance. Here's my problem. I have been casually seeing this guy for seven months. We saw each other average once for every three weeks. Every time we’re together...we had amazing time. We went out to eat, came home watching movies…. and lately he even made breakfast for me. A few months ago I mentioned to him that I was ready for serious relationship. He told me that he liked me a lot but was not ready for it. Since I like him a lot...so I decided to give him more time. And now its already seven months, I think I’m falling in love with him. And it’s difficult for me that I have to hide my feelings for him when we're together. Last Saturday when I was talking on the phone, he thought that I was talking on the phone with another guy and asked if I was talking to another boyfriend. So I said yes. He seemed jealous. I wanted to tell him the truth but part of me says that I have to play reverse psychology. My question is that should I tell him that IM falling in love with him the next time we see each other or just wait for him to say. And if I do, IM afraid I may push him away...and if I don't then he would never know.

[frozenblaze]

Hello Rhonda,

 

Thanks for taking time to answer to people here, I'm sure your advice is appreciated around those forums. As you may guess, I will ask you to answer a question so here it is... I dated a girl for more or less 3 months and she ended the relationship on november, 6 weeks after that she was interested in someone else and it saddenned me a lot, for I did care about that person. She had been the first girl who was really "my type" in all my love-life. The reason for the break-up was that there was a huge age-gap between us (7years) and that she was a bit confused in her feelings toward me. I'd like to move on but then I still think about her a lot, I miss her and always hope that she can realize something that would make her come back. I did not have any contact with her since december and I try to avoid every place where she might be. She is still with the guy, though I have seen him in "my" club (I work in a bar) with another girl, in a drunk-mating type of social interaction... I don't really want to date other persons, well I don't feel like it... Time does not seems to heal anything, only making the pain greater, I miss her... I'm not asking you if I have to move on for it is probably the only thing I can do to have control back over my life, what I am asking is if there is a chance that she might regret dumping me someday ? Is there a point in a life where you look back at your past and then consider that some people might have brought you more than you could imagine ? For me the answer is yes, but then i'm a hopeless romantic so who cares about my idealistic views???

[JeffreyGreenham]

why can't people be more compatible and stop fighting so much, it is not too hard just to tolerate another person.

[Thunderforce]

Hello Rhonda,

 

Here a message from the Netherlands ... Since october 2006 I'm in a LD with an Italian. In november I went for a work-exchange to Italy and so I got to know him. We worked togehter that week, huge connection and at the end of the week he told me had romantic feelings for me. And so things started.

We get along great, during visits (one week, and two weekends) and do all kinds of romantic things together. In between we stay in contact almost everyday with telephone, mail, messenger etc. (50-50 in initiating)

 

We didn't have the talk about where this is heading ... that's kind of to soon... I realise but I'm starting to get a little paranoid with this all... because I do almost all of the planning, when en where we are going to meet. When we see eachother I have no doubts about his feelings and also the first week after the meeting. I would get handwritten letters etc... but then at a sudden point after a few weeks not seeing eachother his messages are more in a friendly way instead of a romantic way. And I always feel I have to adjust myself to him and that is not how I'm feeling. I'm holding myself in, in telling him that I'm thinking of him, that I miss him etc.

I really have to bite off my tonque to not to be 'needy' asking him questions about how he's looking in this LD-thing. He might see it as a fun romance... I don't know

But I know how I look into this: I could really see me with him in a commited way and see where the ship wrecks or doesn't wreck. I'm not sure if I should have this conversation with him.

Normally I wouldn't worry to much about it ... but in a LD thing there is more invested then only feelings as you understand what I mean. Hope you have some advice for me.

 

Oh and we are going to see eachother again during Easterweekend from the 6th till the 10th of April. May'be I should have a talk with him then, face to face?

[kamurj]

linda5, frozenblaze, Jeffrey, Greenham, Thunderforce I am sorry our time with Rhonda is up and I don't think she will be able to answer your questions. However, when we host another "Ask the expert" discussion I hope you will have the opportunity to receive answers.

 

Rhonda thank you very much for volunteering your time to come and help our members.

[annie24]

Thank you Rhonda for taking the time to answer my question and others' questions. I look forward to picking up your books!