My boyfriend had some sort of breakdown last night

[xmrth]

I don't even know where to begin; this has never happened before. I don't know if it was because I was half asleep that it still feels like it didn't happen or what, but my boyfriend just completely broke down. He left my house last night at 10:00 and everything was the usual-- same as any Friday night. We both have work Saturday mornings, but he doesn't -have- to go, he just chooses to go because obviously it's money and all of that.

 

Well anyway, he calls me up at 3am drunk and crying his eyes out to me, which he has never ever done... and I was half asleep, completely confused. He's saying "don't worry, everything is okay, I'm just sick of everything." And saying how he's drunk, he's an idiot and drove home? What? I thought he was sleeping because he has work, and he's calling me at 3am drunk.

 

It was a 45 minute one-way conversation with him venting to me about all kinds of things, which he has never done before. I guess things with his longterm friends are weird-- I still don't know the full story because it was like he didn't want to get into it, but he did. And he's like I love you to death, I love you to death, a million times and that he's sorry but he's been lying to me and going to all these places with his friends after he sees me, and that he's not this nice person, and that there's so much I don't even know about him. He never says these things, and I know he was drunk but I am confused.

I mean, he's leaving my house at like 11:00 pm Saturday nights in particular, and I had no idea he was going out places and things like that. He always told me he had to go home because he was tired. But that's not all.

 

And he's like, it took this (no idea what he's talking about, just that everything exploded that's on his mind) to realize how much you mean to me and that you're the only one who has always been there for me even though I'm not always nice. He's drunk, he's rambling, and these are things he never says to me. He's not this type of a person... He doesn't break down, he doesn't say these things. And we've been together for a long time, not just a few years or anything. I'm not worried about it, I just don't see why he had to keep it all to himself as if I can read his mind?

 

With his friends, he told me they say, hey you're only going to stay with one girl? And things like that because we've been together for so long and he's saying how he can't stand that his friends say that, and he defends us telling them to shut up, expletives, and that "I love the girl, I don't give a" whatever, and he's like "I love you to death and yeah I'll probably marry you." I don't know the full story on that. Is that a huge thing that goes on? I don't know yet. But his friends seemed to be pretty happy for us any time it's been mentioned, and it could absolutely be people I don't know.

And he told me his friends get mad that he's with me because they are stupid and get into fights and get hurt badly and are mad because my boyfriend isn't there to be retarded, too? And my boyfriend was like "They do things like fight with random people, which was fine when we were 15 but I'm 22 now"

 

And it's like with his friends and their jobs; they apparently have jobs a 16 year old would have and are always around and give him a hard time. He sounded so upset and angry because he works so hard and makes good money, but he works so hard and it seems to him like everyone just sits around and does nothing. And he basically runs himself into the ground.

 

It's so hard to sum up 45 minutes of just him talking. But it seems like things are kind of intertwined: work, friends, and me. And then he's going on and on about how he's so sorry and he's so terrible to me because he's been lying about going out without me and leaving my house saying he's going to bed but then going out, drinking so much which I don't care except he told me he drives some of the time, and that he gets himself into things. I don't think he does as much as he is thinking he does. Because he is not some immature loser. So I am really confused. I feel like I should be mad and put him in his place, but should I just be honest? Because I thought it was weird he was seeing me all weekend long for so many months... but he has lied. And I don't know how often he has lied. And I don't know what to do about it. I haven't really let it set in and it just feels like it didn't happen, but it did =\

He never ever says these things, like telling me he loves me to death and that he's sorry and that I'm so good to him and he just treats me the opposite... ever. He doesn't apologize and give me the "whole sad story." I do believe he's sincere but I am really confused as to what to do or say or what. Because he's not this terrible person to me but he's making it out to be like he is, as if he's been a menace to me.

 

Martha

[Batya33]

I'm sorry to hear this. It sounds like he chose to get drunk so that he could vent without having to consider your feelings and without having to do this in person and deliver the message when he was sober and could talk rationally. I call that selfish - what about you? Why not let it absorb over the next few days and then decide whether his behavior meets your standards. For me, it would be over. I wouldn't want to be with someone who would drive drunk, lie to me, and call me when he was drunk to spill his guts over the phone with this hurtful message.

 

How often does he get drunk? Are you ok with him lying to you? You have to figure out what you are worth in a relationship and how dangerous you think he is to your safety - after all, if he will drive drunk you should wonder about that.

 

It's all very nice to say how much he loves you but consider how he is showing that love.

[xmrth]

It's weird because we've been together for 7 years... and it's such a long time for him to finally open up to me like that. Like it's not him using being drunk as a means to communicate... because he was saying things like he's realized it. I'm sure it influenced him a lot to call me, I know he wasn't completely in this straight state of mind or anything.

 

I don't know what to say to him about any of it. His friends, the driving... any of it. I like his friends, and there's some I don't know particularly because they're in Iraq, but from what he told me, it's like they think he's stupid for working in a career, making good money, and having a long term girlfriend. Like he's stupid for not calling out of work every week or something. And it goes back to me and how I don't even know about this.

[Batya33]

Well, yes he chose to get drunk and thereforeeee he chose the consequences, including having the poor judgment to call you while drunk and tell you all of these things over the phone, and to drive drunk and risk injuring himself and others. Not too surprising that he hasn't opened up before - length of time doesn't always increase openness.

 

I wouldn't abandon him as a friend - I would tell him that you will help him find a good therapist, an AA meeting, etc - but I would not continue dating him unless he can explain why he did what he did (getting drunk, driving drunk, the lies he told you) and what he is going to do to make sure it never happens again. The "but I love you" is flattering but irrelevant given his actions which were not loving at all.

 

I went down the path of dating men who drank a lot and/or used drugs when I was around your age. It wasn't worth it. I ended up hurt emotionally and almost assaulted because he was too drunk and put me in a dangerous situation. Please seriously consider what you want for yourself. I know it's a long relationship and perhaps you two can date again when and if he gets his act together. Good luck.

[annie24]

what has he been lying to you about? going out? what else has been happening during these nights? Has he been cavorting with other women?

[xmrth]

The thing is he doesn't drink, he's not an alcoholic. He drinks when he goes out. Everyone I know drinks when they go out. Even I drink every time I go out. People get drunk every weekend. He's not a wild guy, It's hard to describe him without knowing him because all I have is this to really say.

 

And no he hasn't been with anyone else but me. It's just things with his buddies, and has been telling me he's gone to sleep but has gone out. he did last night and he told me he did last weekend, but I don't know exactly when else. But he said he's been doing it.

[Batya33]

I know that at your age people see it as normal to get drunk every weekend. I call that a problem with alcohol if not alcoholism. Don't listen to me- check the websites published by AA or similar organizations concerning what constitutes a problem with alcohol.

 

All I have to go on is his drunken call to you where he told you he lied to you several times, his selfishness in calling you to tell you this, his criminal behavior in driving drunk (which personally makes me angry as I know victims of drunk driving accidents), etc. It all depends on your standards. I wouldn't want to associate with such a person, much less date him. But that's just me.

[Lboogie23]

wow,thats strange. But sometimes when people hold things in for a long thime it comes out like and explosion and we are just left wondering,"what the hell"?

 

It sounds like his problems stem largely around his friends. It seems as if hes feeling like he has to be a certain way in order to keep them as his friends. Maybe they have been pressuring him into doing things that he feels guilty about. It sounds like hes trying to tell you that he has betrayed you in some way, but is afraid to come out and say it maybe in fear of losing you??

 

One thing is for sure, its not good at all that he has been able to lie to you for god knows how long. And you can only imagine what he may have been doing on weekends from whenever he leaves your house until two or three in the morning......

 

did you plan on talking to him today? Maybe you can get him to soberly talk to you and explain a little more clearly what exactly has been going on. good luck

[BeStrongBeHappy]

hmmm.... there are several layers of things going on here...

 

i would be concerned about this from the standpoint that (a) he's been leading a double life, (b) he's been lying about it to you, © he sounds like he has a drinking problem he's been hiding from you (including driving drunk), (d) he seems to be more worried about what his friends think than living his own life with you, and (e) he has some really messed up friends who are trying to make him feel bad for living a normal life with you.

 

so i think you need to approach each of these problems with him, but don't bother talking to him when he's drunk again, make him talk to you when sober, or he may not even remember what you talked about.

 

i think at least he is beginning to recognize that his behavior is not appropriate, so that is a start. but some of his 'confession' doesn't ring quite true.. could he actually be cheating on you with some of the women he is meeting on his secret midnight rambles with his buddies?

 

this is a LOT of lying and deception going on, that is the part that is disturbing... being a bit influenced by his friends' attitudes is normal at 22, but doing some serious sneaking around behind your back and lying about it is NOT something you should ignore... you need to have lots of talks with him, and deal with this directly. i think he really needs to immediately stop going out with them, and probably stop drinking too, if that is leading him into all this bad behavior...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

btw, lots of people at your age do drink every weekend etc., but not all of them 'snap out of it', and the highest number of auto accidents are young men under 25, drinking and driving etc. so this drinking could totally ruin his life (and yours) if he has an accident where he kills himself or others, or seriously injures himself or others, and ends up in jail with a criminal record.

 

so having fun and going out is normal, but it is a question of degree, frequency, and whether the drinking wrecks his judgement so badly that he does things like drunk driving...

 

and he has not admitted to cheating on your with other women, but if drinking can cloud his judgement so badly he sneaks off and lies about it, and drives drunk, it could also lead to drunken bouts of cheating with other drunk women he meets in bars... he most likely would not confess that either, becuase most men know they will get dumped if they do...

 

please be careful, and try to help him... it sounds like this was an attempt to reach out to you on his part, that he knows he has a problem, is ashamed, and needs help from you to help him break this cycle... so don't downplay it too much, becuase it can have serious consequences it you just tell him 'everything is ok' when there are lots of problems there...

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I have a feeling he goes on guys nights out after he sees you, faces much peer pressure to sleep with more girls..

 

And he doesnt have a CLUE what he wants.

 

The poor guy..and also very inconsiderate to call you like that.

 

I'm not saying he HAS cheated...but I think there could well be a chance. I don't think this is all he had to say to you, y'know?

[xmrth]

It's more that he does know what he wants, but his friends are stuck in this world where work doesn't matter and nothing matters and give him so much grief for having a job and being busy with work, when they work like part time. And dating me for so long he said he has to listen to it a lot... and how it doesn't change how he feels, and that he simply wants people to stop bothering him about it-- I never knew anyone bothered him about it, as if they know me? I don't know the full story with him... but he said he goes out after because of me; we've been butting heads every other weekend for the past two months. I don't even know why. He gets tired from work and then I get upset.. and then he goes out to forget about it and get over it. He was like, I'd never do you wrong, but you aggravate the hell out of me and last night I just had to go out and it was a mistake. I don't understand what happened but I guess he stands up for people but it backfires... it was like he was talking to me as if I knew the full story but he doesn't tell me these things and said he's kept it in for so long, just things that bother him like that. And he's devastated because he sees people that remind him of things like not going to people's funerals and things like that, and friends being in iraq but get mad when he has to work and can't go out partying on a TUESDAY night and things like that.

I still have to talk to him. I don't know if he went to work or if he stayed home since he isn't required to go today. But I see him Saturday nights... I will be talking to him about it tonight.

[Batya33]

So, let's see - he does these things "because of" his friends - where does that end? What would he draw the line at doing "because of his friends?" Why does he hang out with people who do not respect him or support him for his choices? Either it is because he enjoys being disrespected or because part of him agrees with their world-view - which is it?

 

Please don't tell yourself that he is standing up for people and it backfires - he is choosing to be friends with people who don't have a work ethic, whose focus is partying/drinking, etc. -- this is his choice. Perhaps he is a victim of alcohol and if so, he needs help for alcoholism. He can choose not to be friendly with these people but he doesn't. He can choose not to get drunk every weekend, not to drive drunk, not to call you at 3AM and use you as a sounding board and "confess" to rid himself of guilt and burden you with it, but he doesn't.

 

He does not choose to act in your best interest and he is acting in a way that is dangerous to himself and to others.

[arwen]

Have you talked to him since? It's vital that you do and ask him the complete truth of what is bothering him. I get the feeling that there is more to this story than just lying about going out with friends, which is bad enough after 7 years of being together.

 

Sweetie, I hope that you will be ok soon. I can imagine you feel totally confused about things. Talk to him when he's sobered up. My guess is that he will call you as soon as he can.

 

What have you been fighting about the last two months?

 

Hugs,

 

Arwen

[xmrth]

But that is what he told me, that is what's bothering him is he stuck up for someone and it caused a big problem. I can't describe him any better but that's the wrong idea of him... he's not troubled. I don't talk to people who are troubled. He has grown out of his friends. I still have to talk to him.

[Batya33]

Sticking up for someone is not necesarily a sign of good values, a good idea or common sense. It sounds like you are not ready to deal with or respond to his drinking problem, driving drunk, lying to you, selfishness in calling you at 3AM and venting, etc. To say that's not a troubled person is a bit troubling, in my opinion.

 

Hopefully you will be ready to deal with that very soon before something worse happens. It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to go talk to a counselor.

[xmrth]

I don't think you understand this situation... You think he's a drunk, you think he's got bad values... you don't understand. You have your biased opinion already and you're sticking to it. I'm not an idiot and for you to be talking to me like you know my boyfriend in response to everything is definitely a way of calling me an idiot. Because I'm the one who has been dating him for 7 years, I'm not an idiot, and I'm telling you, you've got the wrong idea. Thank you for your help and everything, but you have the wrong idea.

[Batya33]

Thanks for sharing. You are right - I only know what you typed which was:

 

he got drunk and gets drunk every weekend

he drove drunk

he called you at 3AM

when he called you it was to vent for 45 minutes and to tell you how he has been lying to you.

he is friends with people who don't respect working hard or being in a committed relationship.

 

Based on those facts, I would say that he has a drinking problem, he acted selfishly, he has admitted that he lies to you, and he is willing to be friends with the people described above. I would say that just based on what you typed, it calls into serious question his values, his honesty, his maturity, and his ability/desire to abide by the law and to avoid hurting people (meaning the drunk driving).

 

That is my opinion. I do not think you are an idiot. I do think you are trying to backpedal about what happened, to defend your long term boyfriend and you are not willing to see the facts in any kind of objective light because that might mean serious questions about whether to stay in this relationship. I can understand this and I can understand why it might be easier for you to lash out at someone who presents the exact same facts you did than to face them yourself.

 

I wish you luck and if he does not choose to change his behavior and work on himself, I hope you choose to end this relationship for your physical safety and mental health.

[xmrth]

I just talked to him on the phone, and asked him about all that I typed up. He said he called me at 3 because he felt bad that he went out, not that he's been doing it extensively, but that it was the first time he ever lied to me about going home. But I remember him saying something about going out last weekend, specifically. And how he went on to say he felt bad about lying which made me feel like it's been going on for a while. But I could have sworn he told me he went out with one of his friends last weekend. He left my house after 11pm though, and his town is 25 minutes away... and said destination was even further, so maybe he really didn't? Because he was fine the Sunday, the next day, which I saw him. He was up and about early and everything.

 

I asked him about his friends, and asked straight out if it was that his friends want to be 16 forever, and he said "pretty much." 16, as in getting into fights and not working. And I just told him, you're beyond them.

I don't think he's done this extensively, and maybe last night was the only time because he felt bad about it, but I don't know. A lot of times he spends the night, basically. Is over my house until 2-3am, and then wakes up and goes home because HE can sleep, but I can't when he's here because I have a one person bed and I wake him up when I'm ready to go to sleep while I get homework done or something.

 

He says he doesn't remember telling me that his friends have said things to him about dating one girl for a while-- which I think someone probably has, and he's just telling me they didn't now because he doesn't want me to know. I don't think that's a huge problem because a lot of his friends are obsessed with their girlfriends and seem so happy for us. He says nobody says that, and it's so confusing. Because he was drunk and not making sense and talking about something recent with something old, in which the incidents were from years back that he feels bad about. Something happened last night but he just blew up with all these things that have been bothering him making it seem like this was all recent (to me). Like seeing someone that reminded him of a close friend that passed away... and then going into detail about how bad he feels about missing people's funerals or not going and how it tears him apart. Everything blew up.

I still think he went out last weekend, because he said he did. He didn't sound like he was lying but just the fact that he said he did I'm going to remember it like that. The time doesn't make sense and the fact that he was up early and fine the next morning... maybe he really wasn't, but I don't know.

[Batya33]

Again, it's up to you, your standards, and your values. My personal standards of respect and trust would not allow me to date someone I did not trust (or was not sure I could trust), and who thought it was a good idea to go out and get drunk with immature people more than once every year at the very most. As far as him calling you because he felt badly, did he consider that he was calling you at 3AM and that what he had to say was very likely going to be upsetting to you?

 

Everyone deserves a second chance - if the person sees what he did was wrong and wants to work on insuring it doesn't happen again. Maybe I missed this in your post but I don't see where he said he would never drive drunk again, stop going out with these immature people who think that getting drunk every weekend is a good idea, etc.

 

Again, it's up to you, your standards, your values, your priorities and your regard for your own health and safety. If you believe this person has compatible values to yours and you are ok with the questions you have about trusting him, by all means continue to date him and be aware of the downsides (that what happened last night could happen again or similar, or worse). That I wouldn't associate with him or that others might put conditions on it (get help, stop drinking so much), etc. is irrelevant. If your answer is "fine!" to "how's it working for you?" that is all you need to know.

 

Good luck

[Siriana]

I have only one idea.

He is still young and has his old friends.

 

Right now he's somewhere in the middle - he is becoming more mature than his friends, but still he wants their company because: he's not ready to let them go completely and also he has no new friends that are more similar to him.

So he's stuck in the middle - of being reasonable adoult or being teenage boy.

 

Now why he had to lie he goes out on weekend?

I don't get it completely - probably he wanted to go out, but at the same time tought this is not the right thing to do while having a girl?!

 

So whatever his reasons are I think he's still not mature enough.

So because of that he's stuck in the middle.

What will happen later I don't know.

Maybe he'll leave his less mature friends and go separate ways or maybe he'll choose to hang around with them endlessly.

 

I have no idea what you should do. But talking to him while he's not drunk is the only thing you can do.

Ask him why he lied to you?

After 7 years you should be able to communicate and that includes him being honest about what he thinks.

[xmrth]

He's the most mature guy his age that I know, and he's stuck because he wants to still have his childhood friends... but instead of letting them go completely, he's just not hanging out with them in situations that will turn out bad. It's not that they act like kids, but they think they can beat people up and nobody will mess with them. Still immaturity, but it's not like the typical immaturity with puny guys or anything... I mean, they're tough guys, but they sound stupid as hell.

 

He lied to me by telling me he was leaving to go to sleep, but feels bad because he went out without me and got really drunk and felt guilty that he lied to me and drove home, and a whole bunch of other things. He basically was venting to me on top of it about what's on his mind. He felt bad he called me at 3, he's like "I know you have work, I'm sorry, I just have to get it off my chest, I feel bad that I told you I was going home, I was aggravated at you" and things like that. Basically he realized he shouldn't get aggravated over stupid things-- stupid things, like I can't even describe them.

 

This really is a huge complicated thing. Like he vented about everything that has been bothering him. It answers so many questions. I'm upset, but I feel okay. I've been fine today, but confused. He told me everything was fine so it was easy to relax... he's on his way over now and I talked to him earlier. I will talk to him about the particular friends of his who are trouble. It is hard because those guys are friends with the NORMAL friends of his... an everyone-knows-everyone kind of deal. But I'm going to stress it to him again. He knows on his own... and apparently has gotten grief from staying out of things they get into.

[Batya33]

I am sorry you see it as complicated. It seems simple to me - not easy, but certainly simple. Figure out what your values are in a relationship and in general. Compare your values to his behavior, to his lifestyle, to how he treats you. Decide whether you have compatible values. If you don't have compatible values, decide whether on balance you benefit in some way from having him in your life - a concrete way - not just "but I love him." I wouldn't date someone with whom I didn't have compatible values, but that's just me.

 

What you wrote sounds like a bunch of excuses you are making for him and he is making for him for continuing to be part of a lifestyle that involves regular drinking/getting drunk, with people who seem to lack in ambition or direction. Sounds like you want to convince yourself that it's complicated so that you don't have to face the plain facts of his behavior and his lifestyle.

 

As far as him calling you and venting, it sounds like he wanted to unburden his guilt on you because it was too hard for him to deal with his own behavior, and that he could later use the "I was drunk" as an excuse for doing that. Does that work for you as a way of dealing with problems? Lie, get drunk, deal with guilt by calling in the middle of the night and venting. This might be a one time thing but what is he planning to do in the future that would be different?

 

While he might not get in trouble, there's a whole gray area between staying out of trouble and getting into trouble and that's where you have to decide the values question. I understand that it is difficult to make new friends, but if it were me I would rather be alone for awhile then associate with people like that. But that's just me.

[xmrth]

I really don't even know anymore. I'm so over this, to be honest. It was so stupid to begin with. He was drunk and was venting about everything under the sun because things were bothering him. Simple as that. I don't know about his friends, they probably aren't immature, just the ones in question do stupid things like start with people. I really don't know and I really don't care because he's got it together; he knows what he's doing. I feel confident in letting him figure it out and if that's hard to believe, it's because you don't know the situation, so yes, it is simple. Simple as that.

[annie24]

I still don't know the full story because it was like he didn't want to get into it, but he did. And he's like I love you to death, I love you to death, a million times and that he's sorry but he's been lying to me and going to all these places with his friends after he sees me, and that he's not this nice person, and that there's so much I don't even know about him. He never says these things, and I know he was drunk but I am confused.

 

I know you want to just look forward, forget about this incident, but I think some warning flags were raised and it's time to face them, not sweep them under the rug. I was really concerned by this quote. I mean, he is telling you that "you don't know him" and that "he's done bad things...." What sorts of bad things? I mean, you have been with him for 7 years. I assume you two know each other pretty well. And if he is saying you don't, that he is hiding stuff, that sounds really worrisome. I would really talk to him, find out what is going on, and what are these bad things. Is it just drinking with buddies, or something more?