Resentful

[Gracelove]

I feel so resentful towards my mother. Since my sexual assult she has said some of the most hurtful and damaging things.

 

She's implied on numerous occasions that the rape was my fault although she denies that she's done so and seems unaware of when she's doing it.

 

When did my mother become so hurtful? Or was she always that way?

 

It seems like, when you're a child (or far beyond in my case) you think of your mother as all-knowing, right in everyway.

 

My mother and I have been in a control struggle for the past 3 years, and it surprises me how ruthless she can become when she feels she is losing the battle.

 

I've allowed her to be in control of my life for so long because I honestly didn't know any better.

 

Now that I want to be my own person I'm met with constant negativity and spite.

 

I have so much I'm attempting to deal with and work through, how am I suppose to work through this as well?

 

Has anyone had any similar experiences? Will you please share with me how you were able to cope with all of the hurtful remarks and slicing commets???

 

@ -)---(--Thanks --)---(- @

 

~Grace

[Drizown]

You're situation reminds me of the book mommy dearest? Have you read it?

[fnlyfrei]

I grew up in an abusive foster home. My foster mother was beyond physically and emotionally abusive. All I can offer you for advice is to stay away from anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. Even if it is your own mother. I mean it. Take care.

[Guest97]

I think a lot of parents are the same way. They love you and want to hurt and bring you down for some reason. Just like men we love sometimes do it to us. I would ignore anything she says because you know it is not right. In general I found it is much easier and brings better results to ignore hurtful words from people as opposed to have any sort of reaction to them or try to argue. If they notice you are not paying any attention - they will not see any use in continuing to try to hurt you.

[yeawutever]

Have you thought of moving out b/c she seems emotionally/verbally abusive to you. When she broughts this up again, how about telling her "Alright mother if it's my fault I got rape, do you even know some marial arts movements if a stranger were to rape you, if so teach them!!!!

Then proceed on telling her what she would do if she's either grab from the waist, the side or from behind (I kwo the answer to that one by the way).

 

No, in no way was it your fault, just remember that, it never was your fault.

 

[NKP]

She loves you and she may even blame herself, cuz when a daughter gets hurt the mother or father thinks its there fault and they shoulda been there and protected you, but they werent there for you. And now all this stress just gets to her at times and takes it out on you.

 

(That might not be it, but it could be i have known a parent like that befor)

[Gracelove]

Hey There Guys!!!!

 

I was just in the process of writing each of you a note, and it all got erased.

Well, here I go again.

 

Thank you guys so very much for all of the thoughts and advice, it really helped me to feel better.

 

Drizown

 

I haven't read the book "Mommie Dearest" but I've seen the movie.

It's funny you would mention it because that's what I nick-named my mom a long time ago.

 

My mom is actually a really sweet and caring person, she just doesn't always act that way.

 

Anywho, one time a long time ago my mom was giving me a lot of orders, and I called her "mommie dearest".

LOL!!!

 

I guess it's just my way of letting her know that she's doing a bit too much

 

 

Fnylfrei

 

I'm really sorry that you had to grow up in an abusive home.

 

I feel the same way you do, in regards to staying away from people who make you feel down.

 

I'm hoping to save up enough money to allow me to move out in a few months.

 

Actually, come to think of it, I could spend more time with my friends, that would keep me out of the house.

 

I just hadn't been spending time with friends because I'd been feeling really bad about myself lately.

 

However, I'm hoping that will change; I 'm feeling much better today than I did yesterday.

 

I'll be out of town for a week, so that should make things better for me, I'll have a chance to get away.

 

 

*** LOL! My mom is soooooo nosey!!! She just came in here and tried to read what I was typing! She's so silly! ***

 

 

Guest97

 

Okay, sorry, I'm somewhat distracted right now, Let's see if I can get back on track.

 

I can see where you're coming from. I know my mom really loves me which is why it's so hard to comprehend why she could say things that are so hurtful.

 

I do my best to ignore those comments. I don't know, does she not realize what she's saying?

 

Anywho, hopefully with time I'll do better with not letting those comments affect me, it's just that I'm so sensitive these days.

 

Alice1987

 

Thanks so much for your continued support, it really means a lot.

 

I know logically that the rape wasn't my fault.

 

My mom is into this whole, you shape your world thing, and if something happens it's not God's fault it's ultimately yours.

 

It's hard, because I've never blamed God for what happened to me, and I know it's not my fault.........so the rapist is to blame.

 

However my mom never ever wants to blame the rapist. Appearantly, it's not about him, it's about me.

 

And it's like everytime she gets an opportunity she likes to imply that it's my fault, and she doesn't realize how much that hurts, and that that is the last thing I need to hear, espicially from my mother.

 

I mean, how is being set-up by my friend, my fault?

 

 

And she trivializes the fact that I've been raped all of the time.

She was ready for me to move on from day one.

 

Her point of view is: you're not dead, so what's the problem. Move on, it's all in your head.

But she doesn't realize that it isn't that easy.

 

For the first 2 months after the rape I wouldn't let myself think about the fact that it happened. And then I lost it.

You can only ignore things for so long before the jump out and get you.

 

Anywho, I've tried so many ways to get her to understand how I'm feeling, but she just doesn't get it.

 

Lostlove

 

Maybe you're right. Maybe she does blame herself. So maybe she feels that ignoring it or trivializing it will make everyone feel better, espicially her.

 

I mean, the thing that hurts most is that I've been punished by my parents as a result of being raped.

I mean, I required more after the rape. More money (therapy), etc.

And so they took things away from me, things they promised I could have.

 

Originally my mother promised (over the course of many, many years) that she would pay for me to go to graduate school.

Now........because I had to stay in school a little longer, she isn't paying for graduate school anymore.

 

And my parents treat me like I'm an inconvience. It's almost like they resent me.

They resent me because I'm not a child, which means that they can't make me do whatever they'd like.

And they used to resent me because I wasn't like the other 23 year old, I wasn't supporting myself.

 

But I think they resent me less now, because I have a job and am able to pay for most of the things that I need, except therapy.

 

I felt horrible because being raped came with a lot of emotional problems, etc. that I wasn't able to handle.

so for a little while i couldn't work, and I couldn't do my school work.

I felt like they were constantly rubbing that in my face, when I was already aware of where I was having difficulty.

 

It wasn't easy for me either. I mean, it's like there mad at me for being raped.

They never bring up the rapist, it's always me, and the things that I'm not doing well enough.

 

And I just try to make them see that I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances.

 

And then it's like they get upset with me because I'm sad at times.

 

And I'm going to be sad. My life isn't where I want it to be. I don't know how to handle things.

Although I've grown a lot, there are still things that happened to me because of the rape, and I don't know how to deal with everything yet.

 

And it's only when I break down in tears, that they back off.

They don't know how much stress I'm under.

 

And they want to critize me because of my weight. I've put on at least 60lbs. since the rape.

I just........I don't know. Eating food is a normal thing and it keeps my mind pre-occpupied. And for at least 6 months after the rape I had a major fear of being small.

I don't know, I guess I thought, in my mind that being small played a role in my being raped.

SoI kept eating and eating because it made me feel safe. And I did my best to make myself look unattractive so that men wouldn't stare.

Anywho, now I'm getting a little less fearful. But me becoming less fearful doesn't do anything to the weight I purposefully put on when I was terrified of being small.

So I just want them to understand that yes, I'm interested in losing a little weight now, but don't harp on me for not losing 40lbs in a month.

 

I don't know. I wish they'd just stop harping on me for a little while and give me some room to breath, because I already feel like I'm suffocating.

 

@ -)-(--- Thanks for your help ---)-(-@

 

It's so nice to be able to sit here on a rainy Saturday and participate in Enotalone.

 

When I was living on my own I was able to read through all of the posts. It was so much fun being able to read through everyone's stories and think of things to say that might be able to help someone in need. It r eminds me of how I was able to find joy in the little things.

 

I realize how much my life has changed since I lost my place (tornado), and had to move back in with my parents. I really miss those days.

[Dracia]

Your mother seems like one of those people who won't back down from a fight and will continue until she gets the last word in. Let her know she is incredibly immature, spiteful, and you hope to God she never gets raped, in case she becomes hostile to herself.

 

Rape is never the victim's fault. Never. Just because your mother wants to win a fight at the expense of your emotional wellbeing does not mean she is right.