jengh Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 This is going to be more of a rant than anything but I just feel like rambling.... so I apologize in advance... Why do I have my life so much? I have wonderful friends, a wonderful life, wonderful parents, great opportunities.... And, yet, I feel like there is something HUGE missing. I am constantly depressed (I fake happiness really well...), have been on every antidepressant known to man, been in therapy for years.... I have no motivation to do anything. I attend a very good university, I do decent in school...but I hate going. I Never want to go. I can't get myself to go. I've been trying to find a job, but being winter in a college town, there really isn't much available. I've applied at a million places. And yet... I'm constantly getting criticized by my parents, my roommate, and before we broke up, my ex... No one really can understand why I'm depressed. Hell, I don't have a clue why. I had PTSD for a while, but that's subsided. I don't really even think about the fact that I was raped anymore. That happened 6 years ago now. Just a distant memory. Nothing bad has happened in my life, aside from my break up but I was miserable before that too... WHAT IS GOING ON!??? I hate everything. I Hate my life and I have no idea why... Everyone (okay, my parents and ex, who i don't talk to anymore) says I never do anything... I go out at least 3 times a week, I get my work done, I probably skip school more than I should, but I get done what has to be done, I try to exercise (swimming), I'm trying to find a job... What more do people want from me? I just constantly feel like crying.. (By the way, I do have seasonal effective disorder, bipolar, severe depression and bad anxiety) Does anyone know what I can do? Anything... On a side note, it's coming up to the approximate one year anniversary of when I tried to commit suicide... Last year I was even worse off... the doctors said I should've been dead. (yes, i got help. After trying it a second time, my dad had me admitted... he's a social worker and got it court ordered, as I refused).... There's obviously a reason I'm still alive. But why? All I wanted was to be dead. Just for everything to be over...it's pretty bad when you can't even kill yourself right... sigh... I'm not feeling suicidal or anything, this isn't what this is about...so please don't be concerned in that aspect. But I am afraid it might come to that... Everyday, I just feel more and more helpless and hopeless.... Link to comment
jengh Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 I apologize for that being so long and pointless in advance and thank anyone who feels like reading it. Link to comment
HarleyHunny Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 Happiness is something you have to work at. And pursue with great diligence. It doesn't just happen......I was in your shoes once, here's what I did, may sound lame but it worked for me. I practiced everyday finding something to be grateful for. I wrote on my mirror, "you will be happy today" and just repeated it until, finally, and it took a while, my outlook started to change...I still have crappy days, but they are fewer and farther between..Trying always doing the next right thing to the best of your ability.....Practice, practice, practice...Are you under a doctors care for your disorders? And do you see a prof counselor regarding past suicide attempt? If not, please do so, soon. Link to comment
puff.tm.dragon Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 your life sounds wonderful. I go out 3 times a week too but that's because I have to take out the trash. 1 Link to comment
jengh Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 the mirror thing isn't a bad idea...maybe if I just say it over and over and over in my head it will get through... Link to comment
anggrace Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 I think it would be a good idea to see a therapist. Its not an insult, I see one. Your University might provide that for you. I don't go for one specific reason, I just find it helpfull in understanding myself better in why I feel the way I do and why I react to things the way I do. It really takes a load off!!! Link to comment
jengh Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 your life sounds wonderful. I go out 3 times a week too but that's because I have to take out the trash. that's the thing--it IS wonderful...I have no reason to be so depressed and unhappy... I don't understand I feel horrible for writing all of that just because I KNOW I am so lucky to have everything that i do have... Link to comment
jengh Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 I think it would be a good idea to see a therapist. Its not an insult, I see one. Your University might provide that for you. I don't go for one specific reason, I just find it helpfull in understanding myself better in why I feel the way I do and why I react to things the way I do. It really takes a load off!!! Oh, I know... I've been in therapy for 5-6 years now... I don't know where I'd be without it. Link to comment
HarleyHunny Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 the mirror thing isn't a bad idea...maybe if I just say it over and over and over in my head it will get through...That's the idea, sweetie. You got it. Link to comment
jengh Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 Oh, and one thing... I hope you all don't think I'm ungrateful... Because I AM VERY grateful for everything I have. I just feel like something major is missing... Link to comment
jengh Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 I really wish i knew what i was so upset about.... I just feel like curling up into a ball and not emerging until the weather is above 50.... hell, above ZERO! It's been in the negatives lately and I hate winter Link to comment
Baby Carrot Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 that's the thing--it IS wonderful...I have no reason to be so depressed and unhappy... I don't understand I feel horrible for writing all of that just because I KNOW I am so lucky to have everything that i do have... No, it is NOT wonderful. You keep assuming you have everything that is "supposed" to make you happy. It's obvious that everything you have is not what truly makes you happy, even if everyone around keeps insisting you have no reason to feel miserable. Look into your soul. YOU DO HAVE A REASON TO FEEL UNHAPPY, AND YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IS IT. What truly makes Jen happy? What provides you with joy and peace of mind? Obviously, is not swimming and is not college. What do you feel passionate about? You cannot start figuring things out from the outside. The outside looks great, and it is "supposed to be" what everyone craves for. But it's obviously not working for you. Look inside, try to find the answer to all that fundamental questions instead of insisting that you "should" be elated with the life you have now. It is OK if you are not. But try to invest your energies in questioning what you really want out of life, instead of wasting them on feeling horrible about the things everyone thinks that are supposed to fulfill you. 1 Link to comment
jengh Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 BC, you're exactly right... I just feel obligated to say I Have such a great life. On the outside, it would appear perfect, I realize this. The things that make me happy are sunshine, the beaches, world travel, and culture.... unfortunately, I don't have the funds to travel the world and engulf myself in culture.. so snowy western michigan is going to have to do.. I'm one of those people who hates to date... i love being in a stable relationship... This obviously is not the reason I'm miserable, but I believe it contributes. I loved my ex...but it was apparent we weren't meant to be. It sounds ridiculous, seeing as i'm only 20...BUT... i feel like I should be finding someone to settle down with. I was talking to my roommate about this last night and she said she feels the same way... but then I think to myself, I'm only 20 years old. BARELY not a teenager. Granted, I'm not saying I want to get married soon, because I don't. But what I do want is to find someone I could picture myself spending forever with. And, I know... don't go looking for someone... they come to you, right? And I dont, i just go with the flow on things like that, but I can't help feeling empty.... Link to comment
Mrs Elliott Smith Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Maybe it's not your life itself that's making you depressed -- maybe it's just a chemical imbalance. (On a different note, the fact that you were raped, no matter how long ago it was, can still weigh on your mind, even if you consciously think that it doesn't bother you anymore.) Link to comment
jengh Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 Maybe it's not your life itself that's making you depressed -- maybe it's just a chemical imbalance. (On a different note, the fact that you were raped, no matter how long ago it was, can still weigh on your mind, even if you consciously think that it doesn't bother you anymore.) oh, i know it has something to do with a chemical imbalance (something my ex thought was BS...he doesn't believe in depression being an illness).... but i've tried sooooooo many meds...gah...the frustration Link to comment
Baby Carrot Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 I just feel obligated to say I Have such a great life. On the outside, it would appear perfect, I realize this. So stop it! Yeah, you have what movies, TV, society says any girl your age is supposed to be happy with. Surprise, surprise, what society expects is not always the best thing for every person. Even if you were the princess of a small country, if that´s not for you, you´re gonna be miserable for the rest of your princessy life. Period. Even if all you´re kingdom keeps repeating over and over that you should be the happiest woman alive. The things that make me happy are sunshine, the beaches, world travel, and culture.... unfortunately, I don't have the funds to travel the world and engulf myself in culture.. so snowy western michigan is going to have to do..That´s it? "I can´t do it because I don´t have the funds" ??? You need to be more creative than that. I warn you, I´m gonna be a wee bit blunt here: with the money you spend in luxury items, pet care and cellphone messages, I´d manage to go to work, live and travel to another country for a couple of years and get away from this place that I hate as much as you hate Michigan. Are you absolutely sure you don´t have the funds? What you really don´t have is the will of working hard in order to figure out how to get what you want with the resources you have at hand right now. There´s no other way, you´re not gonna find a suitcase with 3 million dollars, nor Stavros Niarchos is gonna come knocking at your door with an engagement ring. It is all up TO YOU. Be humble enough to admit that your "I don´t have the funds" does not cut it, there´s more to life than funds. Your brain is your most important asset. You need to be willing to get out of your comfort zone, go out there and be really uncomfortable, a lot of times that´s what it takes to make your wishes come true. But what I do want is to find someone I could picture myself spending forever with.And, I know... don't go looking for someone... they come to you, right?You are too busy craving for spending eternity with some dude... Perhaps it´d be more productive if you´d get busy for a while analyzing why do you want it so bad. Why do you want it so bad? The dilemma is not whether or not they come to you (sometimes you are lucky and you find them, some other times they find you, some others you may take chances and meet as many guys as you can... there are no rules), the big question is, why do you feel like you should find someone to settle down with? Sometimes the boyfriend is only a distraction for avoiding having to deal with your own self and all the lose ends, all the internal conflicts and doubts. And I´m affraid I´m gonna be blunt again... As troubled as you are right now, having a relationship is only gonna be like adding more fuel to the fire. It might distract you at time from your misery but it´s certainly not the cure. You are your own cure Jen. You have to face the demons, better sooner than later. You already have all the resources to enlighten your own self. We all do. Just have the balls and the will to start using them for your own good. Link to comment
jengh Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 BC, you should be a therapist--seriously.. And yeah--you're totally right about everything... ive spent my whole life trying to please my parents and god... i'm sick of doing things THEY want me to do... maybe i should work full-time for a year...not spend a dime (other than rent and food and cat food)....buy a plane ticket to europe or egypt or australia and go from there....... hell, the mexican coast would be amazing too! Link to comment
Baby Carrot Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( HUGGLES))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) BTW, you look absu freaking lutely sexy on that B&W new avatar. Wow and rawr. Link to comment
jengh Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 huggles!!! my favorite wordddd and thank you My friend just sent it to me yesterday Link to comment
jengh Posted February 9, 2007 Author Share Posted February 9, 2007 grrrr.... just keeps getting worse every day. I'm pretty sure my roommate has something to do with it Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted February 10, 2007 Share Posted February 10, 2007 Hope you feel better soon, Jen. I got exhausted just reading those posts! Wow, girl, you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Tonnes of expectations on your shoulders. Maybe those could use some tweaking? It's winter here too. I live in the middle of canada, and it is no joke how the cold can get to a person. Half the population seems to be walking around in a daze! Other than that, I don't know, life isn't easy. One of those lessons that so many seem to forget to let their kids learn is just that: sometimes people aren't happy, sometimes there is a sense of emptiness inside, sometimes it's a real struggle and you just need to keep going. And it is OKAY. It doesn't mean there is necessarily anything wrong with you. You're doing great. Link to comment
sweetharmony Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 i know this is a late post, but I agree with all of the posts. DOn't beat yourseld up for your depression. you didn't ask for it, not does it make you selfish. You know what you love, do it. I find my happiness through volunteering and traveling. I just went to Egypt (alone) with a young adults group (from all over the world) and it just brought me peace to visit the land, culture and people. Why don't you try link removed. I did two weeks volunteering in Romania in 2004, then Hungary, Czeck republic, slovakia, etc...and it was the BEST experience of my life. I dodn't have the money, but saved up enough for the trip-the whole month trip cost $1200 (has enough miles). I ended up doing the eurail thing, staying in cheap hostels, meeting people from all over the world. THIS WAS LIFE. try volunteering long-term overseas-get credit for school. when i am not traveling or helping others, i am miserable. so i am starting to volunteer for an at-risk youth shelter as an art therapy assistant. I hope this provides meaning, allows me to pursue my passion in art, while helping those less fortunate. find something-it needn't cost too much money. follow yopur dreams. this post has been therapeutic for me as i lay here in my depression. talking about my dreams has awakended something. good luck to you! Link to comment
AntiLove_SuperStar Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 I like Cat Stevens, so kudos for the signature. Here's why I think you are miserable - you expect too much. I'm beginning to think that we are raised to "Get XYZ, it'll make you happy". XYZ, of course, being friends and an education, and so forth. Logically, why SHOULD that make a person happy? It doesn't for you. Happiness has become a major obsession amoungst many people. It never used to be - it was NEVER seen as something we should *all* aspire to, it was seen as a kind of gift or rare state attained by the fortunate few! Life IS harsh, life isn't particularly designed to be happy. Im starting to let go of it as a personal goal. Its pretty empty when you analyse it? 1 Link to comment
jengh Posted February 28, 2007 Author Share Posted February 28, 2007 anti-love, you're exactly right... I need to just take some time off, quit wasting my parents' money adn decide what i want to do. Link to comment
TheFoglifter Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 If that is your picture, then you are way too good looking to be that depressed. Link to comment
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