Why do I feel so pressured?

[purplediamonds79]

Hi everyone. First of all, a little background. I am 27, my boyfriend is 25 (a VERY mature 25 in terms of goals, finances, responsibilities, etc). We have been together since the fall of 2005, so not yet 18 months. Everything has been pretty great for the most part, with the occasional and expected bump in the road. Overall, I think we are both pretty happy and content with where things are and where they are going. The only issue is, lately I've felt so much pressure from everyone around me, in terms of moving in together, getting married, etc. It seems like EVERYONE is doing it. I just found out that my friend who has been with her BF for less than a year is getting engaged on Valentine's Day. Its almost like its expected once you're together for a set period of time or something. When I tell people that it will be 5 or so years before my BF and I get engaged, they look at me like I have 8 heads!!!

 

Recently, my roommates situation didn't work and I was forced to move. Most people wondered why i couldnt "simply" move into my boyfriend's townhouse with him. While this would be wonderful, both he and I know that it isnt the most mature or responsible choice, so I moved back to my parents for now. We spend a lot of time together and it's not about lack of committment, its about him wanting to enjoy HIS house to himself for a while without the pressure of having to "entertain" me. I was not offended by him not asking me to move in and he should not have felt pressured to offer it. I know his door is always open. But the people around me make comments like he's crazy or not committed for not automatically offering me a place to live. It almost makes me feel really insecure, when i dont think I should feel that way. Neither of us want to rush into anything. He is getting into his own business, he is very goal oriented and wants to make sure he is financially stable before taking the steps of cohabitation and committment. I used to want to jump into marriage, etc, and dated a few serious boyfriends who i COULD have settled down and gotten married to. BUT, had i done that, chances are id be unhappy and/or divorced by now.

 

My boyfriend told me that it will be 5 years or so before he is ready, and while that is a bit longer than i had ever hoped or wanted, i love him and i want to spend my life with him, so should i really worry that he wants to wait? in reality, i think that is the best thing anyways, i want to have my career and finances in order as well. i mean why does everyone pressure me about when it will happen and then look at me like i have some sort of dysfunctional relationship when i tell them that it will be a while?? i only want to get married once and i want it to be right. So what if i had some silly timeline mapped out in my head when i was younger. i would ideally liked to be married before 30, but i found someone that i love and know i could have an amazing future with, so why throw that all way to potentially meet someone who might be ready sooner but who wouldnt make me happy the way my boyfriend does? I just wish society didnt place so much emphasis on marriage, etc. I think some people do it just to do it. My friend who is getting engaged is the type to pester and push for a ring, and now she is finally getting it without any effort it seems. she is bossy and demanding and her boyfriend proposes just like that. Meanwhile im quite the opposite and my boyfriend is nowhere near ready.

 

I just need some assurance that it is worth my while and my time to take things slow and wait until it is right for both of us. im not worried about my biological clock etc so its not like im sacrificing for my boyfriend, even though i had wanted to be married a bit sooner than it looks like i will. Everything happens for a reason and i want to make sure something is right before committing for life. I just hate the pressure and the looks of almost sympathy that i get from people when i tell them that i wont be getting a ring anytime soon!!! ugh! thanks for the advice, in advance!

[Meow18]

I think you are being smart about this. You haven't even been together 2 years and people are already pressuring you to get married and move in together?

 

Isn't it strange how if you were 5 years younger and with the same guy and wanted to get married and move in together, people would probably tell you to wait?

 

My boyfriend and I just recehave been trying to rush us to get married as well. I'm 21 years old! As much as I want to be with my boyfriend forever, I don't need to be married at this point in my life. And nobody but my boyfriend and I will ever understand that.

 

But anyways, I think that it's just one of those things where people will stick their noses in other people's business. You know you are doing the right thing in waiting. That's all that matters.

 

And seriously, 5 years goes by quick! Who knows, maybe in a few years, he will realize he is ready sooner than he thought he would be. The important thing is that you both have the same goals for your future.

[sidehop]

Some people do wait until they get married while others move in before they get married. Maybe your b/f is one of them but the longer he waits, well, it may become more difficult for him to get used to having you around because soon or later you'll be there 24/7!

 

But don't let other people pressure you into anything. Don't worry, I get this kind of thing all the time from my parents, friends, the dogs...you name it LOL. Although I'll be living with my wonderful g/f, marriage is a whole another story. It's something I'm sure I'll wait before making that important decision.

 

Take your time, don't rush into anything

[FCTex]

I'm like your boyfriend. I'm about to be 22, and I'm extremely mature for my age in terms of having a house I own, several cars, a great job and such..

 

My girlfriend I feel like she sometimes pressures me to go that "extra mile". I don't see myself doing anything till 26-28 honestly. She knows that, even though she's older than me by only a year..

 

We are moving in together, but I'm not giving myself up to it all. I want to enjoy my time, as much as she does hers..

 

Keeping your lives separate, but closer is a smart thing to do. Don't feel pressured.. Sure, you might end up being the 55 year old with the 20 year old son/daughter, but atleast you won't be the unhappy 30 year old with a 3 year old kid who doesn't have a daddy because you rushed.

[Kalika]

It definitely sounds like you have your head on your shoulders. You should not rush into marriage or anything, or even allow outsiders to invade your sense of security.

 

That being said, the only thing is, you can't be sure that in 5 years, he'll want to marry you. It sometimes happens that people grow accustomed to things being the way they are, or they might fear such a strong legal commitment, etc. I have known people this happened to; they waited and waited, presumably to get their life in order, and they never ended up marrying. A good friend of mine was in a VERY similar situation to you, but after her boyfriend was totally stable, he still didn't want to get married. They ended up breaking up after being together almost 6 years because she wanted to get married and he didn't (she is 29, he is 32)

 

So that's a risk you have to be willing to take, and it sounds like it's okay as long as YOU are not ready to marry.

[Day_Walker]

It is plain and simple, your friends dont live your life and they are going to comment on it because it is not theirs. As far as your bf is concerned it seems like he has no inclinations of cohabiting and regardless of what you said his reasons are beyond being financial or the goals he has to accomplish in short he does not want to. Now if you are willing to wait until he is ready then that is an issue you are going to have to confront. Considering that you have only been together under 18 months, there is no way you can really plan out what is going to happen.

[annie24]

I think you have to do what feels right for you. If someone asks why you haven't married him yet, why don't you ask them when they are going to have another child or when they are finally going to lose those last 10 pounds and see if that doesn't shut them up. It's a personal question, and they should know better than to pry or pressure. (I still like the mean answer, but if you wanted to be nice, you could just be vague and answer, "You'll be the first one to know if I am planning a wedding.")

 

Just keep communicating with your boyfriend, and you two should do whatever feels right for you two, don't worry about the rest of the world.

[ghost69]

i never listen to anybody else. i take their suggestions into consideration. but i was with a girl for over 1.5 years before we broke up. much earlier into the relationship all of our friends would say "so when you getting married?" kind of jokingly. it did get old. finally i told them that is annoying and it stopped. i never let is pressure me though. everyone thinks about it though. i don't care how early you are in a relationship. everyone can look at their other and think, if we were married...

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