To the guys out there..romance/thoughtfulness..why does it die?

[ItsYourChoice]

I have a question to pose to the men on here (and ladies if you agree/disagree please respond too!) Is romance just a tactic to get your foot in the door?

 

So ive done some thinking and have realized that I tend to lose interest/patience with a relationship once the romance slows. Is this me being picky or am I just not understanding how things settle?

 

For instance, I dated a guy about a year ago..at first he would text me a good morning text every morning and I loved this, made me smile in the morning, gave me something to look forward to. But then, he had alot going on with work and such, was tired and working long days, going to sleep by 9 on most nights. He still made an effort for us to see eachother and we would take every other day or so, but no more good morning text along with the other stuff.

 

Am I expecting too much from an ongoing relationship? Is it normal for things to settle into a more manageable talk schedule once the initial first couple months have passed? Any way to remedy this sort of situation? Im just curious because most of my relationships have ended by my hand because of this (me feeling unloved or unappreciated) but im starting to think maybe these are just normal guys and im tossing them aside?

[RayKay]

Just because he is not showing you love in the way you expect does not mean he is not showing you love.

 

Honestly, if the pressure was on us to do everything we did in the honeymoon stage, we would never get anything else done! As relationships mature, they enter a deeper stage of love, which is based on more than romantic gestures.

 

One is not meant to court the other person forever. That does not mean that they should become lazy however of course; however if you are breaking up with people because they are not sending good morning texts yet still making that huge effort to see you; and being thoughtful and respectful, I think you need to really look at your expectations and what you are looking for - are you looking for someone to court you or a true partner in life?

[anggrace]

I don't know the details, but i think many people, including me can relate. I think if you don't have a great self-esteem it can be even more of a problem. I personally enjoy doing things for my bf- like leaving notes, nice meals, massage ect. And alot of my attracted to my bf initially was that he did these things too. It seems that for most people, its all about the chase. But once your in there, the gestures stop. Theres nothing left to work for you know? I think its rare to find a guy who will continue to do those things after a while. But if its important to you, than you are not being unreasonable. Just be sure you give the guy a chance to be that for you by telling him how you feel. If you don't, than Id say its unfair.

[ItsYourChoice]

Well I am starting to realize that I relate how much a person cares for me by what they say and gestures they make..and sometimes this means ignoring what they actually do and in many cases ignoring logic.

 

For instance, the afore mentioned guy...big on cuddling, always lots of kisses, and hugging before he would go to work in the morning (left earlier then me), and wanted to see me often. BUT there was 40 miles between us and I made many of the trips...which made me mad even though it was logical.

 

He had to wake at 5 am for work, i could wake up from HIS house by 630 and be to work on time, whereas he wouldve had to wake up by 430 from mine to get to work. On the weekends we took turns driving for one another..but i saw at the time him not being willing to visit me in the week as a lack of interest! Crazy I know!

 

So I guess what im looking for is...how to detect AFTER the honeymoon couple months that hes still into you?

[arwen]

I have had a bf who loved the chase, and was romantic in the beginning and it went down after about a year and a half. I also had that happening after TWO months, lol. My current bf is the same as he was when we just got together, still sweet, loving, caring. I think that for him, as opposed to the other guys, it is his nature to be, not the consequence of the initial feeling of attraction or falling in love. But I can't generalize that to other guys. Of COURSE also with my current guy, things are a bit different than they used to be. But that's not a negative thing, we are just more comfortable. That doesn't make we don't make efforts for each other, I think we both still do that and find it equally important to do so.

 

Arwen

[karvala]

I feel obliged to put my hand up and say that we're not all like that! Personally, I love the courting, the honeymoon stage, and being a someone who never does any work(!), I'm always happy and have time to continue this into the relationship for as long as it's welcomed. The truth is, in my experience, once the honeymoon stage is over, the same type of courting gestures actually receive a decidely less favourable response, which is one reason for cooling things down a bit.

 

But regardless, I just wanted to point out that not all guys are like that. Some of us enjoy Jane Austen too. (okay, I realise I've just lost all credibility now... ).

[Jeff777]

Relationships do go through phases. Courtship, etc. Any man or woman however cannot expect their mate to "make them happy" 24-7. Each need to be whole in and of themselves before they can fully enter into a long lasting committed and healthy relationship.

 

That being said. Real love and compatability needs to be there ON BOTH SIDES of the fence. Yes - we still need (and always should to a point) to do the little things that say we care and cherish for the other - But respect and love will be the ultimate factors in a long term lasting and fulfilling relationship. If they are there - the union can flourish and be mutually satisfying.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I went through something like this when I dated a guy several years ago. He was all into me, called me all the time, made time for me, all the good stuff then everything came to a drastic hault. He became too busy. He was always tired, whining about work, etc.

 

I figured out a few things in hinsight several months later. He was the kind of guy whom loved the chase. And once I became interested and wanted more, he backed off. Big time. He will work his tail off to reel me in and once he succeeded, his actions became stagnet. So, he was not the guy for me. Guys like him stand a very good chance to live a very lonely life. The like the chase, do everything in their power to woo and once they succeed, they back off. The ol' push pull game.

 

It is my belief that if the relationship is right, true and genuine, no games are neccesary. My current boyfriend is always doing little sweet things and we have been together almost a year. Plus, I do sweet things for him. I do not only rely on him doing all the nice things. Are you doing nice things for your boyfriend? Also, I learned communication is key. IMO, communication keeps the relationship going, keeps it strong. Being secretly resentful because the other did not meet our expectations (been there, done that) gets a person no where and it kills the relationship.

 

My advice is to reflect upon you and think about the kind of guys you go out with. Look for the patterns. Also, I have learned not to place expectations. Just go with the flow. And finally, we cannot rely on others to make us happy, we are responsible for our own happiness.

[zerohalo]

Romance is fun. However, if the other party expects it all the time, it stops being romantic and instead becomes work. I think one of the nice things in a long term relationship is being romantic occasionally to remind the other person how much you love them. But if you do it all the time, how is that special anymore? It's like having prime rib for dinner every night, eventually you just say "Whoop dee freakin doo, Prime Rib. Again."

 

If you want this guy to send you a text message every morning for 2 years, are you telling me you'll find it romantic and loving every single time? More likely you'll just expect it, and his gesture becomes meaningless.

 

Putting someone up on a pedestal in the early part of a relationship is pretty much status quo. But at some point, reality has to set in and the real world has to butt its big ugly nose into your business. Those insane, daily romantic gestures become harder and harder to do, that's just life. It doesn't mean it has to stop completely, but if the only reason you're with someone is to be lavished with attention by these gestures I think you've got deeper concerns.

[ItsYourChoice]

Youre all being very helpful with this..great, insightful posts..as always Enotalone..quite impressed

 

Zero, youre right..after a long time, a sweet gesture would become more routine then sweet....like brushing your teeth in the morning.

 

KellBell...I get what youre saying..and ive learned this as well..its nice to be showered with the attention but sometimes the guys doing the over the top gestures are doing so to get what they want, the chase, and then jet.

 

Ive found that most relationships of mine of late last 1-2 months and then i get so many expectations i drown it out. I think i really need to learn how to relax and go with the flow.

[Batya33]

In either this month's Oprah or last month's Lisa Kogan wrote a great - and short - easy read! - article on this topic.