Why do people break up?

[hosswhispra]

Meeting someone that you can spend the rest of your life with I think has elements of luck, sacrifice, hard work that go with the love, passion and friendship. In my experience it doesn't just happen.

 

 

Now imagine what you would feel like right after coming to that thought after believing otherwise from the time you were 5 till about 30

 

But I actually miss that innocence that I had and I hope it's replaced with another kind of innocence and magical thinking. And I am sure it will be--cause deep down in my heart I am still 10 years old

[melrich]

Now imagine what you would feel like right after coming to that thought after believing otherwise from the time you were 5 till about 30

 

I think nearly everyone at some point in time has the whole "soulmate" fantasy, two people as one. And it probably does happen. I am sure there have been life long relationships out there that required no effort. But it's not the norm. And I think that fantasy may be one of the reasons people fall so hard after the break up of their first "serious" relationship.

 

Their fantasy about how it should all work is destroyed along with the relationship.

[cantexplain]

I'm not saying that happens but it is some sort of explantation to me as to why infidelity is such a headline issue but in my view not a major cause of relationship breakdown.

 

No I disagree strongly. I can try very hard in a relationship, but once trust is removed through sexual betrayal and the dishonesty which goes along with it, true intimacy is replaced by doubt, hesitation, mistrust. It is over, in my case. It is no longer worth the investment. I'd rather be alone than cloud my worls wioth someone who is capable osf such selfishness and the successful use of dishonesty, at the cost to my own sense of what is real or what may not be real from that day forward.

 

Betrayal is extremely damaging to the human soul. Sure we are all dishonest. But dishonesty for the success of one's own emotional and physical needs at the expense of someone else's trust is a biggie. And it is separate behavior altogether.

[Dako]

I think melrich's list holds up well.

 

I've explored mental abuse, cheating and growing apart.

I don't wanna collect the whole set.

 

Cheating sucks, no matter how it's served up, but I've followed a number of threads

where just the fear of cheating is enough to ruin things.

[renaissancewoman101]

I think people are very cynical when it comes to relationships nowadays. People dont want to work out problems. It's kind of like the disposable mentality we have about things, where we use things and toss them out. Relationships have become the new "disposable" commodity where when it has run its course and passed its expiration date, it's time to toss out. Else if it doesnt fit, its time to toss out.

 

We dont take the time to repair our belongings. Many times we just replace them or upgrade. Relationships have fallen in that category, I think.

[hosswhispra]

I think nearly everyone at some point in time has the whole "soulmate" fantasy, two people as one. And it probably does happen. I am sure there have been life long relationships out there that required no effort. But it's not the norm. And I think that fantasy may be one of the reasons people fall so hard after the break up of their first "serious" relationship.

 

Their fantasy about how it should all work is destroyed along with the relationship.

 

Hence the reason why that type of destroyed realization, i.e. 'baggage' can and most often does impinge on future relationships.

 

My question is when does someone 'know' that they are in their 'last' relationship, i.e. the one that they will live out the remainder of their life in? I would imagine no one has that 'secure knowing' that it will last 'forever'. We can keep up appearances that it will....but how do we really feel--deep down.

[melrich]

No I disagree strongly.

 

I'm not sure we are talking about the same thing. If you are being cheated on then it is a huge issue. No question.

 

I am talking more about people who worry about being cheated on. In that case I am saying are they potentially worrying about being cheated on because another component of their relationship has broken down?

[cantexplain]

Now imagine what you would feel like right after coming to that thought after believing otherwise from the time you were 5 till about 30

 

But I actually miss that innocence that I had and I hope it's replaced with another kind of innocence and magical thinking. And I am sure it will be--cause deep down in my heart I am still 10 years old

 

hosswhispra, if you give up on this hope it will never happen.

 

I've met people in their 50s and 60s who married very late in life and had just that kind of innocence and purity in their connection. Its absolutely amazing and and inspiring to witness. They radiate love and joy and reflect eachother's beings. And I think it does not come naturally, probably, except in a 5 year old's mind. It comes through wisdom, experience, TRUST and the ability to let go of all these other worries. Then communication and all of the other stuff follows for people who are willing to try and to work and to compromise.

[TheRedQueen]

Relationships are not static two-dimensional entities that are either "good", or "bad", in and of themselves, rather they are multi-dimensional dynamic processes that need to be proactively *maintained* by each of its parties.

 

^ that's kind of wordy, but I hope my point is conveyed.

[cantexplain]

I'm not sure we are talking about the same thing. If you are being cheated on then it is a huge issue. No question.

 

I am talking more about people who worry about being cheated on. In that case I am saying are they potentially worrying about being cheated on because another component of their relationship has broken down?

 

that would be unreasonable jealousy.

 

Maybe we could add that to the list?

 

UNFOUNDED LACK OF TRUST

[hosswhispra]

hosswhispra, if you give up on this hope it will never happen.

 

I haven't given up on that entirely--yet

 

But it will in essense require 'bumping' into someone who is like-minded about these sort of things. And I don't know for sure what are the odds of 'bumping' into a like-minded individual---such as myself---during my lifetime.

[melrich]

Maybe we could add that to the list?

 

Yeah, add away.

[itsallgrand]

Your list is good. I'm so nodding along to the big C of communication.

That's been a stickler for me, along with the whole growing apart thing.

Yes, people do sometimes just grow apart. I don't find that weird at all, but see plenty of posters who don't seem ok with that idea. Somehow, they end up labelling the relationship as 'bad' more often than not.

I know in my case, the relationship was not bad at all. It was great and the very fulfilling while it lasted.

It was only when I - we - tried to hold on to the past that things went poorly and communication broke down. Wow - there's a lesson right there to digest about myself!

 

Anyways. With cheating. My honest reaction to why people cheat is simplistic and utilitarian.

People cheat because they have not made an absolute decision not to. End of story.

 

Any of us have the opportunity to cheat, and more of us than not have been in situations where it may have relieved an otherwise boring unhappy, or downright abusive time.

 

But to me: Cheating is simply not an option. At all. Ever.

 

It's so simple. You just make it important and a value: like not killing another human being.

[cantexplain]

I haven't given up on that entirely--yet

 

But it will in essense require 'bumping' into someone who is like-minded about these sort of things. And I don't know for sure what are the odds of 'bumping' into a like-minded individual---such as myself---during my lifetime.

 

this is where I am:

 

standards relating relationship style

for me this is people who've learned to be able to work within a committed relationship. Here is a post listing some of the things to look for in this regard.

 

likemindedness with regard to acceptance of one another's spirituality and politics

 

commonality of living style - say in the country versus in the city

 

not a slob, able to take care of material things

 

not a neat freak, able to live comfortably in the course of a day's chaos and hectic pace

 

ability, in time, to ask for what they want or need

 

ability to give and receive direction in a spirit of mutuality, i.e. not controlling

 

not wasteful with money, yet not so frugal that life can't be lived

 

interested in their own ongoing learning, i.e. not a static mind

 

chemistry - that inexplicable spark

 

I've decided to be content alone without the above qualities in my partner.

 

AND THAT I AM NOT TOO PICKY ABOUT OTHER THINGS.

[cantexplain]

But to me: Cheating is simply not an option. At all. Ever.

 

It's so simple. You just make it important and a value: like not killing another human being.

 

Yes, and we have the right to protect ourselves, our families, even our communities from killers ... and cheaters. And to shirk their notion that others caused them to cheat, or kill.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

No I disagee. Cheaters use these problems as excuses for some additional behavior. If their realtionship doesn't work they need to get out and try to find someone more appropriate. Then they have not added this problem to the list. Cheating must be added to their relationship's list of problems. This is separate behavior.

 

I believe that cheaters are cowards who either sabotage the relationship, or experiment to see what it is like how they feel with another; then realize their other partner is better, want to come back, and often finally project fault on their partner or relationship, rather than take responsibility for their betrayal and dishonesty.

 

Sorry, I don't buy that and won't date someone who believes this way.

 

DANGER> RUN AWAY!!!

 

Bingo. I agree wholeheartedly. If there are problems, deal with them or get out, don't try to have your cake and eat it too. That whole thing about the problems in the relationship causing cheating - nope. Cheating is a whole other set of behavior - a habit of looking outside your relationship in order to get your needs met instead of working toward getting your needs met, if possible, in your existing relationship.

[Dako]

hosswhispra, if you give up on this hope it will never happen.

 

I've met people in their 50s and 60s who married very late in life and had just that kind of innocence and purity in their connection. Its absolutely amazing and and inspiring to witness. ....

 

I think older people value love in itself, and it's unencumbered by the urgency that nature lays on younger folks. Life has some surprises.

[cantexplain]

Yes, people do sometimes just grow apart. I don't find that weird at all, but see plenty of posters who don't seem ok with that idea... I - we - tried to hold on to the past that things went poorly and communication broke down.

 

Maybe that's why they grow apart - rather than grow as vital individuals on separate, but parallel and mutually loving paths.

 

RE: Holding on to the past - they are living an idealized love - it is not real.

[hosswhispra]

I think older people value love in itself, and it's unencumbered by the urgency that nature lays on younger folks. Life has some surprises.

 

Thanks for your wise words of hope and reassurance, Dako. They are very much appreciated

[itsallgrand]

Maybe that's why they grow apart - rather than grow as vital individuals on separate, but parallel and mutually loving paths.

 

RE: Holding on to the past - they are living an idealized love - it is not real.

 

That idealized love can really kick one in the crotch.

 

I admire anyone who can cull out all the fantasy aspects out of a relationship and be 100% genuine and present. I'm still working on it.

 

Thanks, that was insightful.

[shadow34]

I agree with cantexplain about cheating.......

 

My ex cheated on his first fiance, she left him, he cheated on his wife, she never knew and he justifies it in his own mind, now he cheated on me.

 

Now Im telling you, I blamed myself for his actions and I aint doing it no more.

 

His behaviour has nothing to do with our relationship. I did everything for him, our sex life was still as passionate as ever and I totally agree, and having studied psychology also this behaviour is a separate behaviour entirely.

 

The cheater doesnt usually use it as a break up tool, that would defeat their purpose of control, deciet and selfishness....

 

As for the feeling of being cheated on, yes it does kill a relationship BUT i have to say, I had the gut feeling once with my ex husband and now my ex and I was dead spot on......so maybe once we begin to doubt in the first place we need to either seek counselling to see if its from past relationships, talk to our partner or walk away...

 

Cheaters suck basically, there is no excuse for what they do and to this day I will never ever accept an excuse for this destructive behaviour..

 

Just my two cents worth...........

[anggrace]

Agreed!!! Great comment about cheating!!!!

[anggrace]

For me its been...

1. Taken for granted

2. Communication problems

3. Abuse

 

I think cheating comes after any of the things you listed are not addressed.

In most cases anyway. It also happens because people are selfish and imature. Just my opinion.

 

I stand by what I said...that cheating often happens when any of these things are not addressed. However, I am NOT saying it is an excuse. I think when relationship are going sour for any reason, that is when people tend to cheat. Doesnt make it RIGHT or OKAY, but people use it as an EXCUSE.

[jusified]

cheating is just selfish, and running away and giving up (taking easy way out) is also selfish.

 

People cheat because it is easier thn stick around and support the partner when the relationship gets tough. Thats oright though, it just means people like that wil never find true love and a fulfilling relationship because they ust bail and not work on it.

[Allie.]

in addition to melrichs reasons...

 

1. Wrong timing

2. Lack of motivation to commit