Where is he when I need him?

[ladybird_68]

Dear never-too-late,

 

when I read savoie's answer this morning I just knew how you would feel about it. It's the same way I would feel and indeed do ... as if it was said to me too and the last straw was stabbed into my heart.

 

I'm probably not in a position to help or comfort you as I can't see the wood for all the trees myself. All these conversations you replayed on here could be an exact copy of the ones I had with my ex-bf. Everything going around in endless circles for the last 12 months, escalating in mutual accusations, finger-pointing, shouting and hanging up.

 

Why are we hanging on to something that so beyond words is burning and wearing us out ? What is it we are fighting for when there is hardly anything to loose anymore?

I'm really lost here, I do wish someone could give us the answer to that.

 

After weeks of NC I made the mistake to get in contact with my ex-bf again yesterday.

I had just created a blog and he was the first to send me a message on it. I answered, he answered back, aso...aso ... It ended in a phonecall last night, we talked but not about us or the relationship. But he was indirectly complaining about his situation, sounding sulky as if he wasn't happy with his choice being on his own rather than with me and at the same time "blocking" me out.

I can just say, talking to him and having him dropping subtle hints and making insinuations as if I was the one to blame didn't make things better for me.

 

I sent him a very friendly text today to tell him I didn't feel as well as it appeared, that it's still hard for me and I'm probably still hurting too much to have him back in my life as a distant friend. And - stupid me - I even appologised if my message sounded like an accusation or a complain, that it wasn't.

 

As always when I tried to be honest and trust him with my feelings he used them against me. He reacted by calling me at work though he knew I couldn't talk and started to accuse me of accusing him, everything was all my fault and it was just my behaviour that lead to the end ...etc ... etc.

I asked him if I wasn't blaming and accusing him why had he? The typical answer I got was "yes you do, you ... you ... you". I said good-bye and hung up on him.

 

Good God, it was bad enough as it was, with me starting to cry in front of a colleague this morning, and he made it even worse.

I'm still sitting here at work, brooding over this and feeling so hurt and on the edge of cutting him out of my life for good.

 

Obviously both our LDR-ex-bf's a problem to see their part in what happened and it seems more important to them to walk out without having to acknowledge any guilt than to be fair and at least treat us with some decency and respect for our feelings.

 

I really don't know where to go from here but please know I'm sharing your pain and experiences.

xxx

[never-too-late]

Thank you so much for your replies!!

 

Ladybird, im sorry for what you are going through!! do not let him manipulate you into feeling guilty.

 

Carten, how are you? I remember that your story was quite painful as well. Is he still around?

 

I appreciate your replies. the thing is I feel so bad and so guilty. He was even telling me I was harassing me with questions, while I was trying to clarify the situation between us.

 

You know he has made me feel so bad for the fact that I would want to cut all contact with him? And I had no heart to cut it. but now he is the one, who told me only yesterday that it's the best if we don't have contact for some time. He said that our conflicts affect his personal life.

 

I just couldn't be stronger to deal with it. I mean he broke my heart by breaking up with me and on top of that, he says he is disappointed with me how I am dealing with this now and that I don't respect his decision. But really I swear, the messages and the emails he was sending after the break up back in April were really confusing. He said when I didn't reply that I am destroying everything and all chances for us to get together in the future.

 

and the worst thing is that he has asked me if I could help him to find a job in my company. He said if he can get a job near my city, he will come and we can try again. But 2 days ago he was telling me that he doesn't trust me I would do that for him. But he hurts me by that. I mean he broke up with me and now he wants me to find him a job. I was quite upset so I told him I am not sure I will anymore and he started to say that I am the most nasty girl he has ever met and that he is now seeing what kind of person really I am. I was so hurt when he said that. So I said I will try. He always manages to make me feel like I am an awful person.

 

Also his birthday is coming up in the end of June. Now that he has told me that we should have no contact for some time, I guess it's for the best not to contact him to wish him happy birthday. But I worry he will tell me how nasty I am for doing that.

 

I feel so hurt about this. I really appreciate all of your help and your support. I really don't know if I can ever get over this.

 

I also wonder what would a man think of this?

[catren]

NTL, He's been great at twisting things around. I understand exactly why you feel the way you do.

 

As for me, yes, we still have contact, although limited. Will update on another thread as I too am looking for advice.

[never-too-late]

I am just so worried if I don't wish him happy birthday how he is going to react

[schueysgirl]

how i feel for you right now...i just wish i could give you that little push and be at least where i am right now with these kinds of situations....

 

So he told you no contact and its over to sum up (i know its hard but bear with me...) so all these issues you are now having are unnecessary...first the job thing...do not get him a job. Do not do anything for him. Simple as that. You owe this guy nothing but you owe yourself everything.

 

the birthday thing...he told you no contact. So dont text him or contact him to say happy birthday. If you stick to the no contact how on earth is he going to contact you to tell you he is unhappy with you? You are having at the moment very unhealthy and unncessecary thoughts. You dont need to think about his feelings at all, they dont matter anymore.

 

PLEASE READ THIS PART CAREFULLY OVER AND OVER: No matter what you do now you are never going to please him or make things better between the two of you....because he doesnt want you to.

Please please please just forget this guy and move on, no contact to him and no contact if he rings/texts or emails. Just dont answer the phone or read the email or anything. If you cut him out of your life slowly slowly you will recover....

 

...but at the minute you are just going round in circles and obsessing and thinking too much. Stop these thinking patterns completely he doesnt matter and he certainly isnt worth all of this...you have to stop honey xxx

 

(If i can get to this stage after the heartbreak I have been through then you can too trust me) xxx

[ladybird_68]

One more similarity ... his starsign is cancer ...

no wonder they are behaving the same way.

 

My bf's birthday is coming up at the beginning of July and until this morning I intended to send him a card. I must admit I've been looking for a suitable card almost every day for the last weeks though we had NC.

 

But I think the advice of schueyesgirl is right ... "Do not do anything for him. Simple as that. You owe this guy nothing ... dont text him or contact him to say happy birthday ... You dont need to think about his feelings at all..."

 

I think I'm going to adapt this advice to me too.

You know, never-too-late-what convinced me more than anything was this sentence: ""If you stick to the no contact how on earth is he going to contact you to tell you he is unhappy with you? "" and ""No matter what you do now you are never going to please him or make things better between the two of you....because he doesnt want you to."

And we both can't take any more of this, right?

 

He just called me again when I got home and asked if we could "talk", and the fool I am I said "ok, if you want to" instead of telling him to get lost.

It was a horrible conversation, you couldn't even call it a conversation, it was more a monologue held by two. He was twisting everything I said and using it against me, shouting at me and laying all the blame on me for all the things that he had actually done to me. Leading me on for almost a year watching me get ready to move to the UK and then dumping me when he got cold feet.

 

I'm angry, deeply upset and so, so incredibly disappointed in him as a person.

I had so much patience with this guy and treated him in what I consider a good and kind and fair way. Over and over again I gave him the benefit of the doubt when others would have left ages ago - and he can't see it, even less appreciate what I've given him.

Like in your case, all he wants to see in me is bad things and he doesn't seem to remember that he used to say I gave him the three luckiest years of his life. I believe he's hurting too but it doesn't give him the right to twist the truth and blame everything on me.

 

I think I'm done this time.

My love will never die, but he just killed whatever was left of my longing to ever get back together again. I removed him from the list of friends on my blog because he made it sound as if he felt "forced" to send me a message on there. And I'm considering to send back the keys to his house that I still have. Without any comment. Though I know, he would reproach me for doing this and use it as an excuse to turn his back on me entirely.

 

I think i need to open a thread of my own and seek advice.

Saying I know how you feel, is probably not much of a help.

 

I'm not aware of what time it's there but it's 11:30 pm here in Sweden and I'm going to bed now.

Night night, please keep us informed about what's happening and feel welcome to send me a pm whenever you want.

xxx

[savoie]

im sorry if i gave feedback that came accross as negative. i might not have chosen the best words. i certainly was not suggesting that you should feel any more responsible for your relationship ending than you already do.

 

what are you honestly trying to achieve here? if it is anything related to "winning" him back - you will not find that answer anywhere but within yourself. in that i mean - you need to reclaim all this power you have given him - his control over your emotional and physical well being - and move on with your life. he ended things. he selfishly put expectations of you and on you after you broke up.

 

the way i see it you have two choices:

 

1. allow him to maneuver in and out of your life. no strings. no promises. only endless questions in your mind day after day, month after month. maybe your sticking with things will bring him back days, months or years from now. but maybe he never returns.

 

2. write him a letter. explain that you love him and that you want a healthy relationship with him. tell him that because you want more than he can give right now - that you need a period of time to find clarity. when you reach that point in time where you no longer react or analyze what he says or doesn't say - what he does or doesn't do - then you can work on being part of each others lives again - (and, if you are so inclined at that point in time, see where that leads to). explain to him that it just isn't possible for you NOT to have expectations of him or your relationship. if he loves and cares for you - he will respect it. the key here is that you move on to your future instead of how to win him back. open the book and let all possibilities flood in. this isn't about him. its about YOU and YOUR LIFE. this isn't a dress rehearsal. we have only one shot on this earth.

 

the reality is, if he really does love you then he would want for your happiness too - even if it means you finding love with someone else. he has chosen this path - if he is everything you think he is - he will unselfishly support you in achieving happiness for yourself. if he doesn't, you have lost nothing with him.

 

i've said it before but i will say it again. love relationships are one of the hardest things to do well. you have been miserable for a very long time. that is the reason for the angle of my posts. i think you might be too comfortable with constant discord. if you weren't, you would have been long gone from him by now. there are many people who don't mind drama here and there. they want that passion even if it means fights, tears. it helps them to reinforce feelings of love. but you have to find someone who has the same level of passionate display of affection. he doesn't appear to offer that.

 

i don't know. but the chemistry between you doesn't seem to work. he seems very independent and self absorbed. you seem to want more togetherness and sharing. maybe there are things you can work on - but i suspect that you will find someone who is more compatible with you.

 

anyway - i've responded honestly and only in my own opinion. i believe that you are causing yourself more harm by hanging on to his words. i cannot support that. i hope that you find peace with all of this very soon. nobody/nothing is worth this level of sadness and pain. NOBODY!

[never-too-late]

Hello all!!

 

thank you all for such support! It's really empowering. Ladybird68 I strongly suggest for you to open it, it will help you!! It will help to get some power from it. It's very hard to deal with it on our own. So you were supposed to move to the UK? I live in UK. I am sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds really painful. I think you need to do what I have to do, is not to answer him anymore.

 

I am still feeling pretty down. This morning when I woke up, I felt this stomachache and strange feeling inside me. I guess I feel like he has managed to turn the situation around and make me look like I have spoilt any chances for the future for us. I mean he said to me, I killed him and all chances. He said all my questions has killed him. He was giving me false hopes, he was telling me he needs time to make a decision. and now?! he doesn't even talk to me. I am not going to wish him Happy Birthday next week..it's so cruel but I have no choice.

 

Also he still said in the end of the email to let him know if I can get any news about working for my company. I just don't know what to do. But now he is silent. I just really need to get over him but it's so hard. It's actually really hard to be dumped and at the same time feeling guilty for things he has said to me. but thanks for reassuring me that I was not completely wrong.

 

The saddest thing is that I am now at home visiting my family and everyone is asking about him. My mum said to me that it upsets her how he has treated me. My dad seems to think that my ex-boyfriend doesn't know what he wants. One of my friends says I should never ever answer to him. she thinks he is having a laugh with me but he genuinly sounded upset in our last phone call.

 

I guess the worst thing I keep thinking that I was needy of him when I was in a long-distance relationship but I felt so insecure. I keep thinking that maybe it was my fault that the relationship failed but I really did love and care and did so much for it but I never got the same response back I am so hurt thinking that he will go and find a girl, who will make him happier and he will look back and think he was right to leave me. But I honestly cared so much for him. I really wish I could stop thinking of him, wondering about him.. it's so hard. I think what is the most painful is that he always disappears when I am feeling so low and sad and then re-appears when I am starting to feel better. But I think this was the last time he spoke to me. He must hate me now, thinking I was harassing him with my questions. But the situation was honestly so unclear.

 

Thank you all.

[schueysgirl]

Ignore him! What an absolute itdiot its easy for him to place the blame on you saying you ruined all chances and killed him. Can you not see now what a jerk he is?!

 

Using psychologist speak he is diffusing and displacing all his negative feelings about you and the relationship back onto you. This is such controlling behaviour, believe me this guy knows what he is doing and has no consideration forhow you are reallyl feeling. This proves what a jerk he is!

 

Your friend is right. This guy is probably having a laugh at you. This is more likely than being upset. If he was upset he would have consideration for your feelings and wouldnt dare displace his anger and negativity back onto you. What an inconsiderate jerk he probably finds it hilarious hows hes treating you. God its made me so angry!!

 

Stop blaming yourself and taking what he has told you. Its complete SH**E. Hhonestly i cannot believe he has said such things to you...and now you have absolutely no reason to pick up the phone when he calls because even now HE IS CONTROLLING YOUR FEELINGS AND BEHAVIOUR. Put a stop to this now and ignore him completely, TAKE BACK CONTROL HONEY he shouldnt be able to manipulate you or your feelings anymore xxx

[never-too-late]

Thank you all!!

 

I received an email from him this morning, I have not replied:

 

Hello .....,

 

I believe that for now we both need time to feel a bit stronger about everything so maybe we should leave us some time and not contact each other too much. Because, for example, after our last conversation i again dont feel very well. I can tell you that it affects a lot my personal life the kind of conflict we have. I really prefer having peace than fighting all the time. But of course i would be happy to know that we will hear from each other later on. Regarding the fact that we could be together again, it could i think happen only if one day we are close, like if i move to your country. But with the distance now it is impossible. Please let me know about about the job position. thank you.

 

What do you think? I am not going to contact him at all but I am just wondering what do you think? The fact that he is telling me he doesn't feel well, makes me feel guilty, it makes me feel like I haven't handled it very well, thereforeeee, he is opting out for not having too much contact. It makes me feel as if he would rather avoid me.

[schueysgirl]

He has plainly manipulating you up until about now, trying to avoid contacting you but making you feel guilty about you not contacting him, and then trying to pacify you with suggestions of meeting for coffee further down the line.

 

This email is him growing some balls and telling you to leave him be completely. He may of said contact later on down the line but he didnt specify when and as this isnt a break what clearer message do you need to understand that he is done. This is closest your going to get to leave me alone and go away...if you keep pushing him he may get nastier...he may of well of just written you an email saying "please move on and leave me alone, its finished get on with your life"

 

You dont need to contact him to acknowledge his email; he'll know you will of read it, and you dont need to say anything else to him either. Here is where you draw the line. No more contact thats it now, hes given you the starting point...its up to you to run with it now....

[catren]

NTL, take a look at my thread:

 

 

 

It was when I completely took the pressure off and moved on with my life that he has started to reach out more. I don't know what I'm going to do about that but there may be a chance yet.

 

As for you, you do really need to walk away now and let him do whatever it is he needs to do. That's the only way for you to heal and the only way for him to not resent you.

 

Just continue to seek support here and throguh your friends - we'll help you get through it.

[never-too-late]

Hello all,

 

I really appreciate your support and help during these last days. It's been exactly a week since he emailed me. I have not heard from him since and i have not contacted him. I am trying to be strong but I am hurting pretty bad. I think this time it's over for good. His birthday is this week, but I will not contact him. I know it's not very nice but he was the one who has suggested not to have any contact so I wil not contact him and respect his decision. It's really hard. When I am busy, I am fine but as soon as I am alone or I have time to relax and think or in the mornings and evenings, I think of him. However, because he has not contacted me must be a sign that he has met someone else and he does not care about me anymore and he doesn't miss me. It's so hard. However, I want to respect him so I don't do anything. The hardest thing is when I look around me and I see all these couples around me.. I am asking myself, why couldn't I be happy with the man I loved, I cared for so much, why couldn't we spend time together like otehrs, why? And it hurts to remember that there were so many times that he chose to spend time with his friends rather than with me.. I lost confidence in me and myself with this.

[schueysgirl]

My ex spent a lot of time with his friends over me too...i know how you feel. but dont bring this round on you...its not your fault, it was the situation you were in. your no longer in that situation now so no need to feel guilty or bad about it. drop all those feelings like he dropped you....

 

(sorry know that was harsh but its true!). Also dont know if u saw my newest post but that was about my ex's birthday (caled "its his birthday tomorrow"). It was his bday yesterday. i didnt text at all and made sure i enjoyed myself. read the thread....the people that posted there were brilliant (thanks guys!)

 

stay strong..your doing really well xx

[never-too-late]

I have been thinking about today for the last few days and I decided to send him a message wishing him Happy Birthday. I said nothing more, nothing less, just simply these two words. I didnt even expect a reply back. However, 2 hours later, he replied and he said how nice of me it is and he was saying thank you so much and he asked me how was my trip I went to and he said he is hoping I am well. I have not replied yet. I don't know if I want to reply. I don't want to open another conversation with him. But what surprises me that he is talking as if nothing bad has happened between us. I know it's his birthday today so I shouldn't be ignoring him but I truly feel hurt after everything. I am sure he thinks I am not a nice person because now I am ignoring him but I don't want to act as if everyhing is perfectly fine and I am perfectly fine because I am not. I am still deeply hurt and upset. I just wanted to wish him happy birthday to be polite. What do you think? Should I keep ignoring him? He normally questions me why am I not replying but now he is not. He is not asking me anything, to me this means that he has met someone new and it does not bother him too much anymore if I reply or not. Maybe I am reading too much into it but I am surprised he is not bothered.

[savoie]

ok - do you not see the pattern here? you are totally operating on (and have been) negative responses. he can't win. if he is disgruntled with you - you are offended. if he is nice to you - you don't seem to accept as that. why does there have to be drama?????? did you wish him happy birthday to get something in return? that really isn't a bday wish then is it?

 

im sorry - i know that you are upset with the fact that he pulled away from you. but i got to tell you - it seems to me that you sabotage things. maybe your intentions are good but they are laced with expectations. there is a big difference between expecting what we should get from a relationship and expecting something where it is unreasonable. This relationship has changed. it is no longer - at least for now - and i am sorry for that. But you wished him a happy birthday and expected a different response - or were at least not happy with the response. So what are you going to do? Accept where you are at this time with him or continue to make excuses for whatever it is you imagine him to be thinking so that you placate yourself until the next time you feel weak???? oy!!!! i am exhausted just thinking about what you do. i can only imagine how you feel. YOU NEED TO STOP THE OBSESSION!

 

this is why nc is important. its not for everyone - but for situations like yours it is the only reality check. you need the space and time to move on. do you really want to stay in this place???? holding on to a thought of him is not going to bring him back. but you will move at the pace you choose.

 

 

ok - i do admit that what you are feeling is somewhat normal. when the break is fresh - we analyze what they do. if they are nice - it is normal to feel as though they have moved into indifference with us.....which is, to me, worse than hate - because hate still involves emotion......in a twisted way - but you know what i mean. if they are mean, our defense mechanism is to defend ourselves. so in that light - your feelings are totally normal. please read what i write knowing that i am only offering you words that are intended to help you learn about yourself. these words are only my perception and it may be off.......but it is what i perceive in you right now - at this moment. it doesn't infer who i think that you are. and really - it doesn't matter what i think!!!!

[never-too-late]

I did not understand your reply. So does it mean that I should not reply to his questions? I have not replied yet.

[savoie]

it is my gut feeling that it is best for you to take this time for yourself and do your best to impose strict no contact. you don't have clarity. you don't have peace. you will continue to wonder for a while......but that will go away.

 

don't do what so many do and hang on to any thought of him. living in the past or future causes us to miss the important things that flash before our eyes every single moment!! breath. sigh. cry. scream. but acknowledge your feelings right now - not his - yours!!!!!! put the focus on you.

[never-too-late]

Hello all,

 

I haven't been here for a while but I have been feeling so down these days, I really needed to come here to ask for some support and help.

 

I feel like I have not really made much progress in regards to moving on. I am still at the same place and I actually feel like I am feeling worse and worse. I am missing him so much, I keep checking my phone if he sent a message, I am hurting and feeling so sad. I just cannot understand that he left me. I honestly thought he would never do that.

 

He contacted me about 2 weeks ago telling me he still wants to try if he comes to my country. He is still considering it. But he also said that for now it's over because he does not want to have a long distance relationship. We started to argue because I told him that it's hard for me this way not being sure and he started to say that I should stop being the victim because it's hard for him too.

 

He then told me that he is going on holidays with his friends to Spain for a week. I don't want to even think what is going to happen where. I was asking him before he left because I wanted to clarify the situation, he said that I should let him have his holidays in peace. So I haven't contacted him since. He has not contacted me since and it's been almost 3 weeks since I have heard from him. He was telling me that we could meet in August to discuss things but he is not contacting me now

 

I findt this so hard. I am trying to be strong, I almost sent him an email yesterday but then I thought I should not. But why is he not contacting me if he said that he cares for me and it would kill him if he has lost me and if I moved on with someone else. I have not met anyone who interests me.

 

I am so stuck, please help. I am hurting a lot these days, missing him.

[sao2]

Hi, I am in a very similar situation. We both moved far from where we were together. Her temporary, me temporary/permanent as I want it to be, The plan was a few years for me.

 

She is moving back in a couple of months and it would be easier to have an ldr under those conditions but . . .

 

We were both providing stress to each other. We both still love(d) each other very much but she said she needed to be alone while sje finishes her assignment overseas. It is hard but I respect her and her need for space. I told her I would very much love to continue when she gets back and she knows that.

 

So now, I am on hold, does that mean I am on hold???? No, regardless of what happens I have to allow myself move on.

 

I know it is hard but it is better in either case it is better. If she comes back I have moved on and will be past the petty disagreements we were having. If she doesn't come back I move on as well.

 

If she is the person that is so great and wonderful that I fell in love with, then if I move on, she will be perfectly capable of making me fall in love with her again.

 

My point is, you guys are broken up right now. Yes there may be something down the road, but you have to move on now. If you don't move on and grow and take care of yourself then you will sabotage any chances you have of getting back together down the road by holding on to the past.

 

Basically I am saying is you are not "in limbo", you are not "on hold" you are sure, you and him are over. There is still love and you two might revisit it in the future but for right now you are over.

[never-too-late]

 

I am really upset and sad and lost not knowing what to do. It's been 5 months and I am having such a hard time. Whenever, I try to do NC, it does not work because then my ex-boyfriend starts to call me and text me to tell me that it's killing him if I do that. It reached the stage where I switched off my mobile as I really needed to be in peace. But he was calling my landline telling my housemate that he is really worried about our situation and he really wants to talk to me. He started a new job on Monday and he said he was not in a good shape the whole weekend as my mobile was switched off and he said he really needed my reassurance that I can talk to him again. I just didn't have the strength to leave him suffer if he starts a new job so I answered the phone. He told me that it was really hard for him and he said he was happy that I talk to him.

 

He then told me that we should meet in person, face to face to talk about our situation. He said that he believes it would help us as at the moment as we are both having a difficult time. I agreed that we should meet but I am so scared to meet. He said that he wants to talk about the reasons why our relationship stopped rather than finishing it over the phone or via emails. He said if we can meet, it can help us leave things in a more peaceful way so there would be a possibility for us to re-consider our relationship if we want to get back together in the future.

 

Anyway, we were talking about booking the tickets and he offered to come to see me but I got scared. I was not sure if I can face him telling to my face it's over. So I called him yesterday but he was not in a good mood, he was stressed out after a day at work. Anyway, I asked him what is the actual reason for him to meet me and he got all upset at me and he said he is fed up to always explain it to me. He said that the reason is so we can talk face to face. I asked him if it is to tell me that it's the end and he said yes but it's also to make sure that it's finished in a nicer way. I started to cry and I told him that I am not sure I can face that. He said that nothing has changed over the 5 months and that he has made it clear to me that he does not want to continue our relationship as it is a long distance and he does not want that.

 

He got all upset and he said that I knew all this time why are we meeting. I said ok, we should not meet and I told him that I don't deserve the way he talks to me as he was quite angry, rising his voice. I said that I am gong to go away. I did not sleep all night and he sent me an email this morning to work and he expressed himself and sadi that he has been trying to make so many efforts to make thigns better but it's for nothing. He said that he is quite tired that he has to always chase me if I get upset, which is very often with him. He said that his efforts count for nothing. He said that he has nothing left to give and if I want to make peace he is there but if not, he said good bye and good luck with everything.

 

I started to cry and I replied to him that I want to make peace and if he still wants to meet up. He said that he does not think so as he can see the results of his efforts. He said that one day I want to meet and the next day I change my mind and tell him that I don't want to meet and I tell him to go away. He said that it hurts him. I told him that I am sorry and I really would be happy if he can meet me but now he is not sure. He said to give him time and that he will let me know but he said not to inisist. I feel so bad, I feel gutted about everything.

 

Please help.

[sao2]

I so feel for you. I think the best thing you can say to him is that you don't hate him and that you respect his decision.

 

You can not meet him in person because you still want to be with him but that you understand that it is over. If he someday changes his mind and wants to figure out how to make things work he can contact you but until then you should both go your own ways.

 

I know it is hard but you need to look out for number one(you) now.

[ladybird_68]

dear never-too-late,

 

his behaviour doesn't really make sense, it appears to me that he's playing cruel mind-games on you.

 

He wanted and still wants to end the relationship - he has no right to demand your care, concern and attention the way he does!!!

If he really cared for you, he would give you time to heal and get your life back on track, but what he's doing with you now is in my opinion highly abusive. Chasing you by involving your housemate could even beconsidered as stalking, harassment.

 

When HE calls and when HE's "suffering" you have to pay attention and be there for him, but when it's the other way around and YOU call him, he's annoyed, doesn't want to take his time for you and is not in the least interested in your hurt and feelings.

He has simply not your best interests at heart, it's all about HIM.

 

It can be very hard to understand something like that when you love someone, but is it possible he INTENTIONALLY wants to make you feel bad? Have you ever thought of this?

I don't believe he suffers even half as much as you do, if he would he'd also be able to show more understanding for your situation.

 

I'm so sorry for this situation. I've been there and been caught up in it for over a year now but I'm slowly seeing some light at the end of a very long tunnel.

[judy1111]

I felt that our situation is quite similar. The only difference is that i got dumped after i went through so much * * * * for him during his work crisis becoz he is seeing someone else now. Then i never heard from him again..

[never-too-late]

I am not sure what to do now

 

We have agreed to meet. I booked my ticket to go and see him. I know you will say, why doesn't he come to see me. Actually he wanted to but I prefer going there as he lives on his own and I share with others. I would feel a bit stressed out having my flatmates around me.

 

I told him that I booked it and he said to me that he was a bit annoyed with the date as he wanted to go to his friend's birthday party. I was a bit upset about that. He said if I could try to change it but I told him I cannot. He was at first complaining that he cannot go to this party. So I told him that I will cancel my ticket and he can go to his party and I won't come. Honestly I was not going to beg him. He said that he could not do that to me and that I have alredy paid for it, so it's fine. He said in the end that he is happy to see me.

 

But he has been so distant with me. He is talking to me as a friend. I told him today I miss him but he did not say anything back. I asked him why. He said that we have been broken up for a few months now and we have been having conflicts all the time so it has affected his feelings. I was quite hurt about that. I told him that obviously our relationship could not mean as much as to him as to me as I am finding this hard. He told me that I should stop blaming him for it all the time.

 

I feel no care, no warm feelings from him. I miss him but I feel like he has lost all the feelings for me he had. How could he? Do I mean so little to him? I am going to see him in a couple of weeks but I am so afraid, not sure what to expect? He said that the meeting will be only to talk in person but he is so cold? He said not to expect that he will change his mind about us.

 

What should I do?