haven't met the kid yet: red flag?

[notmuchfun]

I have been with this guy for about month. not long but we like each other a lot. We becaome close pretty quickly.He says he's crazy about me and he wants to keep me around for a long time. But now I am hurt because he hasn't introduced me to his child, and I am wondering if this is a red flag that he's really not that serious about me. His child is very young, under 2. If he really thought I'd be around, why wouldn't he want me to meet his child? I really thought before this happened that we were heading into a serious relationship, as we are committed to each other at this point. True we are still "dating" but not dating other people. and I have met his family and he has met mine. this really hurts me and I don't know what to think or do.

[Cid]

Maby he want to see if everything works out first before he introduced you to his child. That is what I think.

[arwen]

I think so too. I think that it's wise of him to do so. The child is young, and he may be scared that the child will see you as his mother. I can't really advise you here, I think a lot depends on how long ago your bf and the mother of his child split up, the reasons, how they deal with having a kid together, if they were married or still are.

 

Arwen

[IntoTheFire]

Is the child's mother still in contact with this man? Do they share custody of the kid or is he the sole parent?

 

My friend had a similar-ish situation. She started seeing someone who has a kid about 5 years old and it took forever for an introduction to happen. The child's mum apparently isn't a great person. She's a bit of a loose cannon who has threatened to beat up my friend and stuff. Anyway, it took a while for my friend's boyfriend to do the intro because he was concerned over a few things generally relating to the confusion and change for the kid. He was worried that the kid wouldn't react well to Daddy's new friend and have the "Is she my new Mum?" thing.

 

I'm not a parent, but everyone knows that parents (well, the majority of them) think the world of their children (especially if he only has the one child right now) and they put the childs needs and concerns before their own or anyone elses. I think I'd do the same as your guy is doing actually, although I would have explained all of this to you and made sure we were all cool with where we stood for now.

 

Have you spoken to him about this at all? Suggested that you want to meet his child?

[MrSparky]

NotMuchFun,

 

This is actually quite normal - introducing a new (potentially long-term) partner to a child is a huge deal, not least of all for the child themselves. But from the partners view also, it is like introducing their baggage, their past, it removes an element of excitement, of the 'here-and-now', and it brings you into his life of everyday - bills, children, living, etc. He doesn't want that quite yet, he's exploring something with you and it's new and fresh. If you moved in together (for an example) after a month, you'd most certainly kill the relationship with the mundanities of life. Meeting a kid is not a mundane part of life, but it does introduce you to the practical side of his life.

 

He'll introduce you when the time is right - and you sound on the right track to that. Don't hurry it, you'll wish that you spent longer in the honeymoon period before real life kicks in!

[Bethany]

I agree with everyone. 4 weeks isn't very long and I think introducing a child to a new partner is a big deal to him, his child and his ex.

 

Give him some time and he will do what's best for everyone when he is ready, so enjoy the freedom and newness of the relationsip while you can..

[annie24]

I agree with arwen. I also don't think that 4 weeks is a very long time. I don't think it's a good idea to introduce kids to the bf/gf until it is certain that the relationship will turn serious (ie, towards marriage). After 4 weeks, you just can't know that, and I think he is wise in not introducing you two. I have seen situations where the child gets very attached to the bf/gf and then they break up, and the child is hurt. Wasn't the divorce bad enough? why put them through it again?

 

I think if he hasn't introduced you two after 1 year, then ask where he sees your relationship going.

[DN]

Although at the moment the relationship is new and exciting and you can see a potential for a future with this guy he has to be realistic for the sake of his child. The hard fact is that most relationships fail - you will know that if you think about it. Few people marry the first few people with whom they have a relationship.

 

It is hard enough for adults to have to end a relationship that is not working out but when they have become attached to their former partner. The longer the relationship the harder the break is on the emotions.

 

It is even harder for children when they have become attached to a parent's partner. They don't understand about adult relationships - they only understand that they like and love someone and they are very hurt when a break-up happens because they take it personally. A person who they love is abruptly removed from their lives and they often blame themselves, thinking it was something they did.

 

So it is important for a parent to be very careful when introducing a new person into their children's lives. He is being very responsible and you should help him by realising that this is not about you - it is about his child.

[itsallgrand]

If anything, his decision to wait before introducing you to his child is a triumph.

 

Shows he is a good dad, for reasons explained by other posters. Shows he does want to see how things can go with you, and to give it a real shot.

 

It would be a red flag to me if he had introduced you to the child already, honestly.

[Kalika]

I agree with itsallgrand and the others... One month is wayyyyyyy too soon to bring you into his child's life.

[notmuchfun]

I was not asking to be brought into the child's life, just to meet the child. He tells me stories and shows me pictures, naturally i am curious. I think if this child were older, it would make more sense to hold off, but a kid this age, a toddler, if we're not making out in front of each other how would they even know we are dating? I could be a friend. He has shown off his child to all his other friends and co-workers, and i am wondering why am I so different? also the child does not live with him.

[Batya33]

I would think he was not a good parent if after such a short time he allowed his child to get involved with and attached to you. Kids don't "get dating" they "get attached." He has no idea if, as he gets to know you, after the "craziness" fades whether in reality the two of you will be compatible or long term. That takes at least 6 to 9 months of serious dating to know. He is thinking of his child's best interests who doesn't need a parade of women in and out of his life. I would say unless you are seriously talking about or practically engaged you should not let this child get attached to you, or use the child as a measure of his interest in you. Think about it from the child's perspective and best interests not your need to test his interest in you.

 

I have had a lot of experience with children that age and believe me they get attached - they many not know from "dating" but they will know there is a woman who her daddy obviously cares about and will likely get attached.

[RayKay]

I am in agreement with all the other posters. Most single parents I know would do the same thing; one month is WAY too soon too know if you are really going to be there in the long run and to be risking your child attaching too easily. They may not know what "dating" is at that young age, but they sure can know what a regular presense is.

 

It is not about YOU, it is about the child's best interests and in the child's best interests, it is better to wait until you know the long term viability of the relationship (which requires more than a month of dating in my opinion).

[notmuchfun]

I have been giving him advice and support. And I apologized and said i should stay out of stuff, but he said, no you're part of my life so it's fine...well what the hell. I am not the selfish one here, I am concerned about the kid's well being. The mom has emotional problems. I never said i wanted to be this kid's parent. I never said I wanted to visit the child on a regular basis. I said that I wanted to meet the child. If it's ok for friends and coworkers then why is it not for me? why make an effort to bring your kid around to everyone in town but not your girlfriend. how am I supposed to not take that personally? he hasn't even explained it to me. I see the fact that he can't just tell me why he's leaving me out as a sign that he can't handle a relationship right now.

[Batya33]

Because he is concerned about his child and how he would introduce you. Sounds far more like your focus is on comparing the level of attention he is giving to you as compared to others and testing him than a sincere desire to meet his child. Perhaps he is picking up on that, too.

[notmuchfun]

no you're wrong. I have spent hours listening to him stell me stories and show me pictures and i have tried to help him get legal advice for custody. I want to meet the child. I have spent much of our relationship on a kid i haven't met. I think the child is better off with him than the mother, who needs mental treatmant. I haven't said anything to him about being disapointed. I am not a bad person. It's easy to judge someone on a forum but i'm not. I'm not like his mother, who needs help and won't get it and doesn't see how it affects her child's life. I'm not the one who had a child that I can't even take care of. I think you people need to reread my post because you're assuming things. This guy is my friend also. it's not like I'm trying to take over, but it does hurt my feelings. It is one thing to give me a perception check, it is another to start calling me selfish and tell me I have poor ethics, which some of you are implying. he should have explained this to me, and that is why I think it is a red flag, because he doesn't seem to want to deal with it.

[DN]

OK - let's assume you meet the child.

 

Then what do you want after that?

[notmuchfun]

I think we'll keep dating and eventually if it gets serious I'll see the child every now and then, when he has custody. It's really up to him, but i'm not getting any communication here.

[blender]

Your feelings are natural, but I would have great respect for a man who would choose to "wait" to involve a woman in his child's life, or to introduce you. It's only been a month of dating, and I'm sure he cares for you deeply, he shares stories of his child, and he's dating you exclusively.. this is all "good" and "respectful".

 

Try not to take it personally or feel the urge to "rush" something so important. I really think it's so wise and respectful for this guy to be taking time to build a relationship with you FIRST and then bring his child into it later.... that is what every stinking shrink would suggest, and maybe you can choose to "admire" this in him, instead of thinking about how it affects you... trust his judgement and his timing on this... it's the loving thing to do and if you are going to be in his life for long term it's important to trust his judgement especially concerning his child.

 

One month is only the very start of your life as a couple together... and you deserve the time to just be with each other, take it slow, respectfully, and consider his situation with an open respecting heart.

 

There is no love or bond great than a child and parent, and personally I think it's wonderful that he is choosing to take it slow as far as his child is concerned. This man obviously cares for you, loves you, and is respectfully taking the time to work on the two of you, and enjoy the two of you, and to be mature enough to NOT rush into bringing a precious child into a "new" situation...

 

I know you are "anxious" to meet his child, but trust that this man is doing this in a respectful, considerate, mature and loving way.. it's only been a month of dating.. so hang in there, and be respectful of his choices for now. The more understanding, respectful and loving you are about his "family", the more he will want to bring his child into your lives... but that takes time.

 

Images are huge for a child at two years old, and perhaps it might be confusing for him to be with his dad and someone other than his mom..even if it's just for lunch...

 

so I really think this guy is doing what is "right and best" considering his child right now, and perhaps it is because he really does want to have a long relationship with you, so he wants to make sure to go about it, in the most loving respectful way for his child, so you can all be happy together in the long run..trust this...

[Batya33]

Just remember he chose to be involved with her and to have sex with her and risk pregnancy/fathering her child. You've only been dating him a month - hardly a significant investment of time and if I were you I'd be concerned about getting this involved in his legal battles and custody issues after knowing him such a short time - and if that is such a large part of your relationship then consider whether he needs a girlfriend or a therapist and a lawyer.

[notmuchfun]

I would respect it if he'd tell me that was the reason. I realize i should not be put before his child, but I do deserve to be dealt with, not ignored, not left out, I don't care, everyone is saying it's okay to do that because he's being a good father. good father yes, but not a very thoughtful boyfriend. I think it's a sign of immaturity that he can't tell me ok my kid is over this weekend but i'm not ready to have you meet yet. but instead he tells me oh we're having so much fun and we went and visted this person and that person....and this cute thing happened and that. I even went shopping with my boyfriend and helped him pick out stuff for their weekend together. It hurts my feelings and that's how I feel.

[Batya33]

I would respect it if he'd tell me that was the reason. I realize i should not be put before his child, but I do deserve to be dealt with, not ignored, not left out, I don't care, everyone is saying it's okay to do that because he's being a good father. good father yes, but not a very thoughtful boyfriend. I think it's a sign of immaturity that he can't tell me ok my kid is over this weekend but i'm not ready to have you meet yet. but instead he tells me oh we're having so much fun and we went and visted this person and that person....and this cute thing happened and that. I even went shopping with my boyfriend and helped him pick out stuff for their weekend together. It hurts my feelings and that's how I feel.

 

I think you have unrealistic expectations of a brand new relationship. How about tell him that from now on since he has so much on his plate, you can see each other twice a week and speak twice a week on the phone, and if you are having sex, stop having sex just to decrease the emotional attachment. No more playing house, shopping for his kids, playing lawyer and therapist. You're fine if he wants to vent about those issues and you will be a supportive girlfriend but not lawyer/therapist. That way it won't impact you as much if he spends time with his child because you will be seeing him less often. You can reevaluate 6 months down the road. Sounds like you took on the girlfriend/therapist/lawyer role after knowing him a very short time and then developed all these expectations of him when his life is too complicated as it is.

[blender]

If your feelings are hurt, then start by setting some boundaries for your relationship. It's important that YOU are considered as well, but it starts with you setting some values/standards for the situation. You seem to be waiting for HIM to say this or that... I am not suggesting this, but would you feel "appropriate" saying: "Obviously, I'm getting emotionally involved in your life, and I know it's early in our relationship, but I have to let you know that I am really looking forward to spending time with you and your child whenever you feel it's appropriate to do so".

 

then you have opened the door for him to express "why" he is choosing to take this part of the relationship slowly, it could be a bunch of stuff concerning his ex or because he only has his child for a certain amount of time and he wants to concentrate on HIM, and it's easier to be with friends, or co-workers because he doesnt' have to give them the "attention" he would clearly WANT to give you if you were together with he and his child.. and maybe he just needs time to "discover" how to balance those two relationships at the same time, you know, boyfriend/girlfriend and parent/child. And I don't mean you guys would be "making out" or anything, I just mean his "emotional attention" might be a struggle... and that is a normal fear for him to have, one that he might not even be able to clearly express yet... or even clearly understand.

 

For now he used to being with YOU and being a couple, and it might be a bit of a "blur" for right now to be with the woman he loves and the child he loves all at the same time.. that can be emotionally straining at first... so please give it a chance..

 

BUT if you are feeling that you are 'walking on eggshells" and can not express your feelings to him, or that he doesn't respectfully explain something to you, well then that has NOTHING to do with his child, that is a dynamic that the is about the two of you.

[DN]

I think we'll keep dating and eventually if it gets serious I'll see the child every now and then, when he has custody. It's really up to him, but i'm not getting any communication here.

OK - so eventually you will see the child now and then.

 

In that case - what's the hurry to see the child? I don't understand why you feel it's necessary.

 

It could also be that if he has issues with the mother and needs to either get custody or more access then he is worried that introducing a new girlfriend too early could reflect badly on him in court - particularly if the relationship fails soon afterwards. That could be a hard thing for him to communicate to you without hurting your feelings even more.

 

Honestly, I really think you are making too much of this issue and that it you continue to press it or allow it to affect the way you view him or interact with him then it could jeopardise the relationship.

 

If he feels that he has to choose - in any respect - between what is best for you and what is best for his child then the chances are that you will lose - and he would be right to make that decision.

[blender]

Again, I don't think the issue here is the "child" it's about the two of you, and the way you emotionally communicate. That is the "issue". it's NOT about the child.