physical and emotional cheating

[hunter18]

my wife of 12 yrs told me she cheated on me with my best friend(at that time) 6 yrs ago. she just told me 3 months ago abou it but the whole time she was telling me she was talking to another guy. she said the guy was just a friend. she hide it from me and locked her cell phone account so i couldn't see her records. well i found her records and found shes been talking to the guy for over a year. she says they have only talked on the phone and thats it. when i try to talk to her she tries to push the blame on me and won't talk about it. i am to blame some because i don't show her the attention and time i should. i will admit my faults but i still can't get this out of my head. oh and by the way we do have a 3yr old son that is making my situation dealing with this even worse because he is my life. can anyone please help me with some input on my problems and situation? thaanks for any help i can get.

[Relationship Coach]

Welcome to ENA.

 

I guess I have to really question why she would suddenly come clean about her affair 6 years ago? I'm having a hard time believing it is due to guilt. She had to know that she would be hurting you with this information and she was expecting a reaction from you. Was she wanting you to get angry and leave her?

 

Her actions and secrecy would make me really think hard before believing that she is only having an emotional affair with this other guy. You need to take some serious action here or just wait another 6 years for the truth to surface once again. Putting the blame on you just helps her deal with what she has really done. If your marriage has problems, get professional help from a professional who does not have bad intension's. Whoever this guy is he has to know he is not helping your marriage.

 

You need to think about your future and your sons. Is this a marriage worth saving? Can you get beyond her lies, cheating ways and lack of responsibility for her actions? Tough spot but I would have been gone three months ago. Been there, done that.

 

 

P.S. If you are willing to take the blame for her actions, then you should take blame for these as well:

 

1. JFK's Assination

2. Chernobal

3. My son's D in math

 

RC

[Beec]

I'd also question why she came clean. Did you ask? Did you find out something? Had you been suspicious?

 

Otherwise, people, and women more than men, normally have affairs when one or some of their emotional needs are not being met. If you were really meeting your wife's needs, she wouldn't have an affair. However, this does not and will never justify her behavior.

 

When we marry we are normally expected to committ and to remain monogamous. We normally stand up and take a vow in front of each other, and often family, friends and God, swearing to forskae all others. We also agree to love each other, and the love part is something that I think is often not understood or appreciated, it does not refer to how you feel. It also means how you treat each other, acting and working and hoping for the best interests of the other person. Your wife clearly has not forsaken all others, and she is not apparently acting in your best interests.

 

What do you do? That's going to take some time for you to think about. But this is not your fault.

[Bethany]

she says they have only talked on the phone and thats it. when i try to talk to her she tries to push the blame on me and won't talk about it. i am to blame some because i don't show her the attention and time i should. i will admit my faults but i still can't get this out of my head. oh and by the way we do have a 3yr old son

 

I think that it's closer to the truth that she is seriously falling into ANOTHER affair and which is why she told you about the first one.

 

If she is ONLY talking to him on the phone like she says, she will have NO problem with not talking to him on the phone anymore and ending it with him, will she?

 

If she doesn't stop, your marraige has zero chance of survival and you should make this very clear to her. Nobody can be expected to stand by and watch the person they love hurt them deliberately, nobody.

 

If you do allow this to continue, you will be giving her permission to carry on and the pain and misery will increase tenfold, your self esteem will decrease, and the marriage crumble regardless of any effort you make or blame you take..

 

If this marriage IS to survive, she needs to take the blame for her own mistakes, understand the pain and hurt that her lying and cheating to you AND your son has caused and is causing you and END IT NOW.

 

I wouldn't make it a 'It's me or him' ultimatum, I would make it a condition that if she wants to work on the marriage, like you do, then she needs to stop this RIGHT HERE -RIGHT NOW or there is no point in continuing this marriage and she may as well pack her bags and leave and MEAN IT.

 

You have a child to consider, his future happiness is at stake here as well as your own and I would suggest taking to an attourney about your parental rights.

[hunter18]

thanks for all the help. i would like to save the marriage but i can't if shes not willing to open up to me about everything. does anyone know how to get her to talk to me about it? i also need to mention we only make love once every 1 or 2 months. she saids its because i don't show her enough effection. i know i'm not the best husband but i would never cheat and i am always there for her if she needs me. it just kills me that i need her here for me know and she's not. i have not left her and i don't want to but she is leaving no other choices so i am really lost and confuseed right know. i do feel she is just trying to see how far she can take this before i leave but thats just my gut feeling. thanks again.

[Relationship Coach]

It takes two to save a marriage and I'm not seeing that here. She would have to agree to end all contact with this other guy and stop making excuses for her actions. Serious counseling would either help or help to bring this to an end. She needs to be 100% honest with you and I don't think she can. In one sense she seems to want to hurt you and push you away but I agree that she is testing your limits to see what you are willing to tolerate. She has no respect for you, your marriage or your family. Your son is young and if you are placed in a situation where you are going to have to divorce her and start over, it's easier the younger the children are. I wish you all the best but don't be a doormat for her dirt.

 

RC

[Beec]

I'm not so sure if you want your wife to "open up" to you about anything. Your wife is telling you that she does not have certain feelings, and she is telling you that because she wants those feelings and or at least is missing feeling them. If youo want your marriage to turn into what you bothe envision, you may need to create those feelings in her. And the feelings might not be only from "affection."

 

I'm also not sure tht you should want to do this. Sorry, but your wife has not been loving you, she has not been treating you correctly. Why would you want to seduce someone who has not properly cared for you?

[Bethany]

People who do this only talk about it when it's over. Right now, she is lovin' it with this other guy, it's fun, it's exciting, it she makes her feel good inside etc.

She hasn't ended it or given you any sign that she will or wants to from what you have said and it's even more reason why she needs to stop, and you need to tell her that if she doesn't then she needs to leave, not you.

 

She needs to WAKE UP.

[Desma214]

Easier said then done I know but bluntly let her go. Being faithful to your bf/gf is important it shows you love only one and its even more important in a marriage you should have been the only one and if you wasnt she should have not been a coward and told you before she cheated that way you could come to terms you two arent happy and it wouldnt hurt as bad as it does now. If you cheat once theres a chance you wont do it again but it will always be in her mind that she wants to and you deserve better. Now for your son its no worry if your a good dad now then you will be one if you arent with the mother it changes nothing and honestly your child will be happier if you are happy and will soon respect the fact you wasnt happy with the mother so you started a journey to hapiness nothing better than having your child smile and laugh when you feel down or heartbroken lean on them in time of need just dont bring them in the middle of the conflicts with your wife.

[hunter18]

she says she has stopped talking to thr other guy. she said she stopped it before i gave her real proof that i found out about him. my problem with this is how can you end that goos of "friendship" in one day just out of the blue. i also am having a hard time believing she has stopped talking to him but i can't proof that because she is smart enough to find away to do it without me finding out and he has changed his number also. he is also married with 2 children. he told my wife that his wife would go crazy if she found out. i just don't understand why a friendship should cause this much trouble for them two if thats all it is. my friendships hasn't ever caused problems like this and i don't hide them either. i am trying to give everyone as much info about this that i can think of. thanks everyone.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i hate to say this, but this doesn't sound at all like a 'friendship', it sounds like an affair... they are both sneaking around, and denying things, and your own sex life with her is very rare etc. most people in affairs continually lie to their spouses, and the affair only stops when one or the other affair partner decides to cut it off for whatever reason...

 

so you need to decide whether you want to save this marriage, and insist on marriage counseling. if she continues to lie to you, or you suspect she is lying, then hire a private detective to see if she is meeting up with this man.

 

she has had 2 affairs that you know of, maybe more, and staying married to her if she is an unrepentent cheater may not be the best thing for you to do...

 

so i'd say try to get her into marriage counseling, and maybe hire a private detective to see if something is really going on and she is still lying, then go from there.

[Bethany]

I'm wondering is perhaps HE ended it and she is finding it difficult to deal with. Just a thought.

[hunter18]

i don't know why it ended between my wife and her friend of if it even did. she won't talk about it and he changed his number. i do love my wife but all the lying and not talking is really screwing my head up. i left her a note this morning pleading with her to talk about but i haven't herd from her yet. she just says i wouldn't believe her anyway so she just don't talk about it. i may not believe it but i still need to hear about the situation from her. she wants me to just forget about it and let it go but i can't. should i just try to let it go or what? i don't mean to keep harping on this but i am so confussed about everything and i don't do good face to face with counslers. i just want all the advice i can get with all the great people on this forum. i could deal with all of this easier if there wasn't a 3 yr old in the equation. thanks for all the help.

[Northalius]

First off, it's NOT your fault she had an affair! It's HER fault for not coming forth and letting you know how she felt about what was lacking in the relationship! Do NOT let her put that fallacy upon your shoulders. She's 100% wrong.

 

That'd be like a woman's husband saying "Honey, I robbed a bank since you don't make enough money with your job as I'd like you to, to make up for what's lacking in our financial income." ??? Uh... I don't think so!

 

Secondly, you must let righteous anger tear down these emotions that are blinding you from the reality of her cheating on you. It's okay and good to be angry at your wife for cheating on you. This will show her you're not a person to be taken advantage of! This'll show you have self-respect! Put your foot down, and do not put up with this.

 

What was lacking here, is communication! It usually is when something goes wrong in a relationship.

 

Thirdly, do not be afraid to confront her further on this issue because of your 3 year old; it'll simply linger on for years, and resentment will just build up to where it'll blow up into something much bigger than it is right now.

 

Specifically, why are you scared because of your child? You mean, because you want him/her to grow up with a mother and father, and thus want to stay with your wife? Or you're scared of losing your child if/when you divorce your wife? Or...?

 

Edit: Fourthly, Speak to a lawyer and a counselor about this; get some good advice on what steps to take in light of what has gone on thus far.

[Rabican]

Note, I vote you leave this girl, but thats just me. But my advice points in the direction of you fixing things. You dont need much advice to leave... hire lawyer, file for custody end of story.

 

I am blunt when it comes to this stuff. Some things need fixed with delicacy, and finesse... small tools and lots of care. Other things need fixed with a hammer. I think a hammer can fix anything, and if it cant... Ill buy a new 'whatever' it was I was trying to fix anyways.

 

So here is how I would approach this:

Quit being a doormat. Dont leave her a note pleading with her to talk to you. You are a man, act like one. Come home tomorrow from the divorce lawyer and say sit down, we need to talk. First off, I realize that I am not perfect, and I may not show you enough attention. I am going to do what I can to fix that. I also want you to know that I still love you, blah blah blah.

HOWEVER I am done being disrespected and lied to by you. Done with it. So we have two choices here from now on. Either you start being truthful and honest with me and tell me what I need to hear. That means answering my questions and being open and honest, and quit hiding things. I want access to see your cell phone records, your email password etc. until Im convinced this is all behind us.

Or, you can sign this here paper, and we can get a divorce.

 

Thats how I would handle this.

If she is not willing to accept responsibility for her cheating ways, you have nothing to fix. Both of you may have things you need to work on, but you are NOT responsible for her cheating. You didnt twist her arm and make her do it.. She did that on her own.

[radioheader]

go get a book called not "just friends" by shirley glass....they are definitley more and you need to get into counseling asap...my husband had an emotional affair with a girl at work who poured her heart out about her bad marriage and it turned physical...they can't be "just friends"....the book explains a lot if you are interested in the dynamics of it all. good luck!

[hunter18]

i just want to thank everyone for there input about my problems. i still have no idea what i'm gonna do. i do love my wife with all my heart but the lies and cheating she has done has made me really unhappy and confussed. i really don't know what to do. she says she has to have more affection and communication but i just can't give her that until i can get past all the infidelity that has went on. when i do try to talk to her she ends uo getting an attitude and getting mad. it might be the way am trying to talk to her, i don't know. i just feel she is the one who needs to show me more affection at this point because she is the that cheated, am i wrong to feel this way. thanks again.

[lostinwilderness]

i just feel she is the one who needs to show me more affection at this point because she is the that cheated, am i wrong to feel this way. thanks again.

 

I think you 100% right to feel this way. You have certainly played a role in the problems in your marriage. All of the good and bad in a relationship are the result of both parties. However, taking responsibility for the poor communication does not in any way mean you are responsible for her seeking comfort OUTSIDE the marriage.

 

You have every right to DEMAND that she comes completely clean with you and face what is going on. If she is 100% innocent then why would she hesitate to set your mind at rest by discussing the situation? If she is guilty then she needs to face the consequences if you are to have any hope of rebuilding a strong marriage.

 

If she cannot/or will not address your concerns, then this will create a hole in your marriage that will never go away. The more you both ignore or gloss over the problem the deaper that hole will get until you can no longer hide it.

 

I think you are justified to need to discuss this and she needs to know that it is manditory for you that she stops treating this as a non-issue. If it takes drawing up divorce papers to make that statement to her, then it is money well spent, and if she still will not discuss what happened honestly with you, then you may want to consider using those papers.

[Ucipe]

Hunter,

 

I have recently gone through a similiar thing. And thereforeeee no that these things happen because something is broken.

 

The fact she told you about the affair is good. At least she is trying to be honest with you.

 

I would seriously sit down and tell each other what you feel about your marriage and whats missing. You need to be honest how you feel and your wife too. Until you both have all the details on the table, only then you can move on.

 

You need to tell your wife that you need the truth, which will lead onto questions etc, only when you are both honest your marriage will re-kindle and have a chance of surviving.

 

Trying to trap her and find evidence is a substition for knowing the truth and asking the right questions and getting honest answers in the first place.

 

Good luck m8

[hunter18]

here is what i've got her to say or i mean she wrote it down.she says all her indidelity comes down to things that are missing in our marriage. she says she didn't tell me me because we don't communicate. she says we don't have sex becuase she don't think she means anything to me. she then goes on to blame my work for some of this. she says she is not going to spend the rest of her life dealing with her past mistakes and fussing about the affairs. well the way i see it if she didn't want to fuss about it then she shouldn't have done it. i just don't feel i can give her the attention she needs until i get over the fact she cheated. she can talk about all of our problems just as good as i can so why do i feel she is trying to blame all our communication problems soley on me? i may be wrong but i can't just get over this over night. in the letter she said she was wrong but not one time did she mention she was sorry and that makes me feel ban and hurt. i ask her who ended the 1st affair with my best friend and all she will say is i don't remember. she says she ended the emotional affair with the 2nd guy because she knew i was searching her phone records and she relised our marraige was more important then there friendship, it only took her a year and her finding out i was on ti her to figure that out. well thats where i am at right now. if anyone has any more ideas please get back with me and thanks.

[Northalius]

she says all her indidelity comes down to things that are missing in our marriage. she says she didn't tell me me because we don't communicate. she says we don't have sex becuase she don't think she means anything to me.

 

Tell her: Communication (as with everything else, in fact) in a relationship is a two-way street. If traffic is backed up in one lane, the opposite lane is open to travel the other way, to get to the root of the problem! She should've expressed concerns about what she had felt to you before taking the cowards way out and cheating on you.

 

Why not speak up? Because she didn't care about you enough to open her mouth. It's sad, but true. If you care about someone, you will open your mouth and express your feelings to them no matter what, even if they in return do not want to communicate! No excuses! None whatsoever!

 

Yes, both partners are needed to fully communicate to make it work in the end, but one can still come to the other and express their concerns. If nothing is done, then it's good to try and get counseling; if that doesn't work, or the other doesn't want it at all, and the problem(s) continue, then a separation or break up / divorce should happen.

 

This is the right way to do things, but she's trying to put the blame fully upon you... WHICH IS WRONG! It's not your fault she cheated!

 

Do not let her pull this on you. She's 100% wrong for cheating on you! There was another road to go down in light of lack of communication from you (as she says), and that was confronting you about it! But, she did not do this! She chose the other road to infidelity. She's attempting to twist her way out of this.

 

She's attempting to put the blame on other things, because she's affraid to speak the truth, and put the blame fully upon her own self.

[hunter18]

ok its been a few days since i have replied to my own question. i have staued home but its still not right. i get a bad feeling inside when she is a few minutes late gettong home from work or if she don't call when shes at home and i'm at work. is it normal to have these feelings? also she just don't seem remorsful at all about what shes done. i am stubborn but i feel like she should be the one telling me shes sorry and that she loves me over and over for the 1st little bit. she just acts like nothings happened at all. she still insist that the other guy was just her friend, maybee he was. i was joking about taking a lie detector test the other night and she said she would never do that and we might as well separate if i wanted her to because she would never do that. any feedback whether its for me or against me would be very thankful.

[karvala]

Well, you have basically three options

 

(1) Carry on as though nothing has happened. Minimal short-term pain, probably maximal long-term pain. Doesn't seem a very attractive option for you.

 

(2) Call her bluff and separate, or at least threaten to do with full intention of actually going through with it, if she doesn't realise that she needs to contribute to resolving this situation and that she has a lot of responsibility here. Maximal short-term pain (probably; I don't the chances of her actually giving in to this, so separation would probably have to happen), possibly minimal long-term pain (by losing someone who treats you like this).

 

(3) Temporarily suck it up on your side (as you have been doing to an extent), and go out of your way to fix the things that are wrong in your relationship (as far as you can). In other words, to play the better man, be someone she wants to be with and doesn't want to hurt, and finally stir her conscience into owning up voluntarily to exactly what is going on, and what she is going to do about it. Moderate short-term pain, minimal long-term pain if it succeeds.

 

If it were me, I'd go for option 3.

[hunter18]

i do love my wife and i think she loves me but i don't know if we are either one real happy right now. i feel she should show more regret and remorse over cheating on me and she thinks i should just let it go. i will admit the only reason i haven't left her over all this is because my 3 yr old son. i mean its not getting any better or worse between us, i just feel she should be trying to make it better. i don't feel we are still madley in love with each other like we used to be but this was a feeling before any of her ccheating was found out about. well the 1st affair was when i thought we were still madley in love with each other, i just didn't know about it. what i am asking i quess is should i stay with her or separate to see if that would make her realise what she did was wrong? she knows it was wrong but thats as far as her emotions will go. thanks for all the info giving so far.

[Rabican]

Dude I vote you leave this girl. She isnt even remorseful. That tells me two things, one she is just a bad bad woman with no heart. And two, she doesnt respect or love you. Dont argue with me. I am right on this.

 

Any woman (or man) who cheated both emotionally and physically on their spouse would be bending over backwards to fix things if they really cared about you. Not only did she cheat in the first place, which proves she didnt love you, but she isnt even sorry about it now. Plus, shes lying to you about who ended the affair. Thats a BIG deal, she would remember that. Its not like you asked her what she had for breakfast last month on the 2nd wednesday... Just move on dude. Man up, quit being a doormat.