Ucipe

Hunter, I have recently gone through a similiar thing. And thereforeeee no that these things happen because something is broken. The fact she told you about the affair is good. At least she is trying to be honest with you. I would seriously sit down and tell each other what you feel about your marriage and whats missing. You need to be honest how you feel and your wife too. Until you both have all the details on the table, only then you can move on. You need to tell your wife that you need the truth, which will lead onto questions etc, only when you are both honest your marriage will re-kindle and have a chance of surviving. Trying to trap her and find evidence is a substition for knowing the truth and asking the right questions and getting honest answers in the first place. Good luck m8

Thanks for your replies and encouragement. This is an update where we are: Where we started: 1) My wife told me everything, all the truth and probably the bits I did not want to know at the time. But I knew everything. She answered every question and it hurt - badly. 2) We then sat down and understand what and why this had happened, again a lot of talking and a lot of hurt. But at least I and my wife both understand and agree why. 3) I confided in 2 people (1 who had been through it before) and my mum. The reassurance I had from these people was great and at the same time they (especially my mum) was very constructive towards me (not that she expected this to happen but more there was a risk this would happen due to x,y and z). Summary 1) Once you understand the facts, the one thing that is clear is that my wife wasn’t looking for a person but a different situation; it just takes anther person to build the situation. 2) Even though my wife did the ‘dirty deed’, it was a shared set of circumstances that led up to this. 3) It was clear that even though I wanted to ask the questions and say my piece, that my wife has to do the same thing, thereforeeee limit the anger and plenty of listening both sides (walks help massively not facing each other, side by side, fresh air. Also a long drive helps too). Next: The anger is hard, knowing the details make me re-live them and thereforeeee I have to deal with them. Able to communicate and ask questions helps with the reassurance and trust, it hurts just has much of my wife to answer then it does for me to ask and listen. The one thing is definitely clear, the emotion that me and my wife feel to each other, we haven’t said things in a way to each other for a long time. It is very sad that our marriage had to go through this, just because of principals, points of views and lack of communication. Things are getting better and there are more positives than negatives now. So fingers crossed We are talking about relate. So will post in a couple of weeks.

I thought I would share whats just happened to me. Me and my wife have been married for 9 years together for 20 with 3 kids. I knew that things were not right for the last 10 months, people say you always know when these things happen and I believe that if I would have challenged this, it may have been fixed. She had an affair with someone 15 years younger, on and off for a number of months. So I love her and trying hard to fix this. But I believe and positively that this will work. I know all the gory details and have sorted these out with myself, some arguments and anger but I have dealt with them . Small flashbacks but slowly going away. The only saving grace is that this affair was purely my wife getting attention and missing out on her younger years (after 3 kids, new jo, lost weight, going out with friends etc etc.). I understand this and why it happened. The deceit is hard to deal with, but my wife is telling me everything and this we are sorting out together. Days are not perfect, but they are getting better. What keeps me going is by knowing how good me and my wife can be together and also the communication that was missing before is kept into place. It takes each of you to be honest and calm, no fights no resentment. Plenty of communication and agree what you both really want at the end. if you want each other, promise and move forward. The one thing I learnt is that the reasons why this started are due to communication and taking each other for granted. Anybody who thinks somethings is going on challenge them regardless on how bad you may feel, communication is the key to preventing it in the first place. I will keep this post updated if it help, this site as been a great help for me and many thanks.