joiseygrl Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 I went of this guy's house the other night. (We've been seeing each other for about a month.) I had mentioned before I went over that I was planning to call out of work the next day for a "mental heath day". So we have a good time. Watched a movie... end up having sex. We're lying in his bed watching TV and he gets up and sets his alarm clock. A little while later I told him I had to get going soon. He didn't say anything, just nodded. Now that I'm thinking about it, was him setting his alarm clock a "signal" that he was expecting me to spend the night? I would guess that if he was, that would be a good sign? K... so I'm a total dork when it comes to "dating" so some of my questions are pretty out there. (I was with the same guy for most of my adult life and I haven't really "dated" in 8 years so I've got some catching up to do.) Most of my friends are married or almost married so they just look at me like I've got two heads when I ask them about this stuff. Link to comment
Maverick32x Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 I assume he wanted you to spend the night.... I dont know about the alarm clock thing... but if he didnt mention anything to you for you to leave..... Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 hey Joisey - Sooooo hard to say what someone expected. I personally would have taken it as a hint that he was trying to get rid of me - getting his nightly things squared away, getting ready for the next day.....Sort of like yawning when guest are over to signal then you're ready to go to bed...AND that he didn't say anything when you said you were gonna get going, like, "why don't you sleep here?" or something. I guess in the moment, I personally would've asked - but I'm like that. Maybe I'm inappropriate.... All I would advise - so to speak - is that next time, just ask him. Link to comment
JoeWho Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Like you I spent 10 years with the same girl so I am clueless as to the dating "rules", but I would think if I wanted a gril to stay the night at my apartment I would just ask her if she wanted to stay. I dont know if the alarm clock thing was a sign or not. Maybe it was maybe it wasnt. Sorry I am pretty much worthless on this topic.... lol Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 If anything I think him setting his alarm clock means that he has to get up at a predetermined time and that he wants to get some rest. Unless he was setting the alarm for when you had to call into work. It all depends on the kind of guy he is if he is the type that would not say if he wanted you to spend the night then I would be more inclined to think that he wanted you to stay. Link to comment
keenan Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Funny ~ I'm bad at this stuff too, having mostly spent years and years with one person. But my assumption in this case is that if he'd wanted you to stay, he would've asked you to stay -- whether in a straightforward way or a cutsie way. Moreover, he could have replied to you something like, "Oh, too bad you can't stay tonight..." Did you WANT to stay? Link to comment
keenan Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Unless he was setting the alarm for when you had to call into work. yeah...it's not like he asked you what time you needed to get up. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Why were you comfortable being that intimate with him but not comfortable enough just to ask him if he wanted you to stay? I would not read in anything. A person who wants you to stay the night will make it clear unless you already have a routine in place. Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Why were you comfortable being that intimate with him but not comfortable enough just to ask him if he wanted you to stay? I would not read in anything. A person who wants you to stay the night will make it clear unless you already have a routine in place. Exactly why one would feel a need to read it. But - another vote for asking. I agree. Link to comment
joiseygrl Posted February 1, 2007 Author Share Posted February 1, 2007 This time around we've only been dating for a month, but we slept together (and were very close friends) for 2 years over 10 years ago. So it's more of a "comfortable" beginning dating thing. We're still geting to know one another again, but we've already got the basics down. He's not the kind of guy who would out-right ask me to spend the night. He sets his own hours at work and I know the next morning he was going in late. I didn't think anything of it until after I left. I would have said something to him if I had thought of it at the time. Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 why is he not the kind of guy to ask? are you? could you have asked him what he preferred? Or would you not have gotten an honest answer? Well...hmmm....how are you supposed to know where anything ever is if neither of you talk about that kind of stuff?? No offence meant, I'm just curious. Link to comment
flower99 Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Yeah, I think he did want or expected you to spend the night. But that's okay you didn't. You're not a mind reader and he can't expect that. So it's just lack of communication that you two will have to learn. wish you happiness! Link to comment
joiseygrl Posted February 1, 2007 Author Share Posted February 1, 2007 Oh we talk about that kind of stuff. We've always had a very "comfortable" relationship. He would rather that I take the reigns in just about every aspect of our relationship, that way he knows I'm doing something because I want to, not because he wants me to. I know it sounds nutty and a bit off, but we've already talked about this. So that's why he wouldn't just come out and ask me to spend the night. I'm sure he would have liked it if I did, but he wouldn't have wanted to feel like he was convincing me to stay. Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 it doesn't sound strange actually - just kind of broken in the normal way. I get he doesn't want to feel like he's making you do stuff, but what about the things he would like to have, see, feel etc. Does he have those? Link to comment
joiseygrl Posted February 1, 2007 Author Share Posted February 1, 2007 We're both comfortable asking for needs to be met. Wants are another story. The way we both see it is if our needs are being met, then wants are just a bonus. Ie... we both needed to spend some time together. Me spending the night would be more of a want. Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 We're both comfortable asking for needs to be met. Wants are another story. The way we both see it is if our needs are being met, then wants are just a bonus. Ie... we both needed to spend some time together. Me spending the night would be more of a want. lol - I get it. I'm just sayin' how are you ever gonna get what you want? Maybe your satisfied getting the bare necessities - I dunno. Wait - how is it you NEED to see each other? I mean how is that different from a want again? How do you know the difference? How do you know you just didn't WANT to see each other? Link to comment
joiseygrl Posted February 1, 2007 Author Share Posted February 1, 2007 I know it was a need because when I talked to him earlier he came out and said he wanted to see me that night. I know it sounds strange, but the two of us have always been so connected that it's a little freaky. It took me years to learn what I need to make me happy and what is just a perk. We defiantly fulfill each other's needs and most of my wants are being met too. It doesn't take much to make me happy. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Sounds to me like he wants you to take the reigns so that he doesn't have to put in the effort. If you know he's not the type to ask, why ask here what he meant by setting his alarm? Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Nah, if he won't ask then you are going to have to ask straight out next time. Trying to pick apart hints will drive you nuts! Not worth it. From the sounds of it, he doesn't want to risk hearing a "No" and so he's just going to let you do all the asking. You are a grown woman - I think you can be trusted to say 'No' when you don't want to do something! That would seem to me to be almost insulting a statement to hear from a man I am dating. An excuse. That would kinda blow, from my perspective, and it puts you in a place where your expectations are low. Link to comment
Maverick32x Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 i actually see where this guy is coming from, due to the fact that I am sort of the same way.... I do not like making all the moves in a relationship... its more than possible that you are too passive with what you want, and he feels that if he pushes too hard, you will simply agree for the sake of agreeing, and its not really what you want.... Its hard to say, but as far as we know he has tried to put alot into this relationship, and if it isnt getting recipracted(sp?) than maybe he just wants to see your input in it...... or maybe I'm very wrong... either way, it IS kinda of pointless to pick away at stuff like this, just ASK and you will know Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 Unless it is an established routine, I don't think anyone should invite himself/herself over to stay - it is up to the person who lives there to do the inviting. Link to comment
Maverick32x Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 true Batya, I was under the impression the OP was friends with him for a couple years now? And had spent a couple nights together...? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 true Batya, I was under the impression the OP was friends with him for a couple years now? And had spent a couple nights together...? Yes, but it seemed that she did not want to stay unless she was asked, so I assume they do not have a routine as far as sleep overs. .. . Link to comment
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