what should I do???

[mariab.]

my boyfriend and I had dedcided to take a break as things were not going well in our relationship. 85% of the issue was me and I needed to focus on getting better mentally, pretty much I was insecure, possessive, jealous, controlling... I know not good but he also became like that too so we were both in this co-dependent relationship that was not healthy and had to end. Plus the fact that he had gotten laid off and is in the midst of trying to open up a bike shop (he's a great biker) so he had to move in w/ his mom to save $ and also find what he wanted to do. In short, we were due for a break. He really really loved and I treated him skeptically as he would tell me all the time I was his dream come true his goddess he would bring me flowers all the time etc. I initiated the break (I was ready for it) and 4 days later he texted me that he missed me & I ws just mean and nasty to him. He got the rest of his stuff out and we talked where he told me that he realized he needed time etc etc and was not ready to get back in a realtionship w/ me he could only date me. Well, I freaked out and started crying etc and we left in that we would talk later. The next day I told him that I needed to be #1 and if he couldn't give me that then we should just break up. Only later did I realize that all the work that I need to do I cannot be in a relationship right now and all I can give myself is to date. but he said that he needed time and coulnd't talk to me (that was last tuesday) I went over his house with the rest of his stuff and we talked and he told me that he needed time and space which I told him I was willing to give him then we made love..(I know bad move)This monday I went to my shrink & I had lost all this weight and he wanted to hospitalize me (I used to b anorexic) So I called his mom and told him and he was very concerned and we talked that night. I told him about all that I realized and was changing about myself and that I just wanted a 2nd chance not now, but in a couple of months to show him that I had changed, he told me that we were over and that he wants to date orther people and sleep w/ other people (I was his first, he held himself out for the "perfect" one , me :sad: ) So he told me he didnt' want to lose me that we have this bond that is unbreakable and he sees us together later, in 2 years..He said he wants to be my friend and maybe we can date as friends but hes going to date other people. He told me that he thinks I am controlling and he is easily controlle..But I am changing and working on myself and know that I cant be friends w/ him right now maybe later, so I told him call me if you miss me and want to date me and he said"don't wait for the call, but I will always be there for you.." I am not not contacting him again but my heart is broken and I have so so much guilt. What do I do??? thanks guys

[Beec]

Well, first, just leave him alone for now. Second, never mention to him again that you want him unless you are pretty darn sure he really want it too. Third, work on you. Fourth, be a friend to him, a good one, build him up, do not tear him down and act happy to be that way. Fifth, in some months, after you have shown yourself to be a selfless friend, express regret at how you were.

 

If you get this far and need more info on how to get him, ask.

 

Welcome to enotalone. Please stick around. I'm sure you can learn more by just doing so, and it may help.

[mariab.]

thanks Beec. right now I can't b friends w/ him and honestly I don't know how long it will take before I get over him. I do miss him, and would eventually like to be friends but even then, what if he still doesn't want me? Is it better to just walk away and let this amazing bond between us go or stick around? and how long with the no contact? will he miss me? I know right now he hasn't had time to miss me if he will at all:sad: ... Im sorry I have all these questions. I feel horrible right now...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I am sorry, it is always so hard to break up... please take care of your health first, especially if your doctor says you may need hospitalization... it can be very dangerous for you if you lose too much weight, so please take care of this first.

 

He does sound like he has made up his mind right now that he was to just date for fun, and not be serious with any one person. I think if you truly can't tolerable just being more of a friend with him or a casual date, then you need to maybe chill for a while and not contact him and see if he does decide that he misses you and wants to be with you, or whether he is content dating a lot of women...

 

He may just feel he is too young to settle down with one person right now too, especially if you were the first person he was with, he may want to experiment for a while with other people.

 

so please try to be kind to yourself and spend time with friends and work on your own health and happiness, without keeping him as the center of your world... time to put yourself back in the center, where you belong! take care and get better!

[Beec]

thanks Beec. right now I can't b friends w/ him and honestly I don't know how long it will take before I get over him. I do miss him, and would eventually like to be friends but even then, what if he still doesn't want me? Is it better to just walk away and let this amazing bond between us go or stick around? and how long with the no contact? will he miss me? I know right now he hasn't had time to miss me if he will at all:sad: ... Im sorry I have all these questions. I feel horrible right now...

 

I am not surprised that right now you cannot be friends. When you think you can, try, see how seeing him once works and makes you feel. Use the NC to get yourself space until you can see him and be friendly without being emotional. Some emotion is fine, but you need to be aloof. There is not set time for NC, it's about how you feel.

 

When you feel that way, it will be time to reassess what it is you want. And if you want him, then why not try to get him, but never tell him what you are up to.

 

Right now, I don't know that you are up to figuring out how to get an ex back, but the time may come.

 

Hang in there. It will get better.

[reasonablegirl]

mariab - this is one of the toughest emotional challenges anyone has to go through but remember, you are not alone (thus the name of this site)! There are thousands upon thousands of posts just in the enotalone forums from people who are going through what you are going through and the vast majority have or will get through just fine - and you will too since you logically know what is going on and what you need to do - you just need your heart to catch up with your head and that takes awhile.

 

In response to your questions:

 

-being friends later. You may be able to be friends later, maybe not. You can't predict the future and neither can he. It is very frustrating not to have an answer to how someone might feel about you later but that is the joy and tragedy about being human. You are going to just have to let him go for now and who knows what the future will hold for you.

 

-walk away or stick around. I think in this instance, sticking around right now will cause you more hurt and will cause the situation to deteriorate even more which will guarantee that the answer to your first question about friends will be "no, he won't want to be your friend". That's the really crazy part - for you to ensure that you might have a chance to be friends in the future, you have to get away from him now.

 

-how long with no contact. That depends on you. When you are to the point where you don't need him anymore, when you feel happy and satisfied being by yourself and thoughts of him don't cause you anxiety, then you are probably ready to break the no contact.

 

-will he miss me? Again, I'm not a mind reader but in the vast majority of cases, even where there was bad blood between the parties in the break up, both parties miss each other. And, rest assured, he will never forget you either.

 

Time for you to resign yourself to doing NC. It'll be hard and you might make mistakes but you can do this and you can get through this.

[mariab.]

thanks guy thank you. I am really torn up over this for a lot of reasons but mainly guilt over the way I treated him if I could take that back!!!I knew our relationship was going to end, he needs to see what is out there and find out what he wants. We did not have a good relationship so it is much better that we are over. I just feel hurt that he discarded me like a kid discards a toy he's not interested in anymore. I have started the no contact, even have changed my cell # so he doesn't call (I did send out a mass email telling everyone I got a phone, including him and I regret putting him on it) You can laugh, but its been a day only but I feel much better. I do kind of think what is the percentage of people calling after the other person has done the no contact-I guess now I need to give him a chance to miss me if he does at all.. It feels so good also to know there are people like you guys out there too...thank thank you!!