Help

[brokenhearted86]

Ok im new to this site but i really need some help.

My boyfriend and I just recently broke up and in my heart i know its probably best because I love him but he is just never happy. I want him to be happy. As bad as it hurts to not be with him. But he does not want any contact with me at all. Why? We have always been friends and now i feel like im losing not only my boyfriend but my best friend. I feel so angry at him, although i know this is partly my fault.

We were together for a year then he cheated on me, (although I never knew it at the time) and right after he did that he broke up with me so he could "explore" well we both were with other ppl during the split. Then he comes running back into my life all of the sudden at the wrong time, I had gotten drunk with a friend of his and things happened that shouldnt have happened. Partly due to the guy kept on and kept on pressuring me after i told him no and partly because im just not strong enough to know how to really handle a situation like that.

Well after that i still didnt know how to tell his friend no, i didnt want to feel like a {Mod Edit} i wanted to like the guy to keep myself from looking slutty i guess. Then my ex comes running back into my life wanting to get back with me and i want him back too thats all i wanted since the moment we broke up, but i didnt know how to tell him about what had happened. And he asked me and i wanted to tell him but i didnt feel like it was the right time so i lied.

well evetually the ugly truth came out and now almost a year later he says he just cant get over it. Which i somewhat understand, but he is not innocent. Its not like he wasnt out doing the exact same things. But he says its different, that guys can do that and its fine, girls who do it are just sluts. I want to be strong, i know we dont need to be together, but i need help. I need someone to talk to someone to help me thru this. I feel so alone, and so scared. And what should i do if he decides he wants to get back together again.

 

How do i know history is not going to repeat itself. Do i just ignore him if he decides to talk to me? Im so scared and confused. All i wanna do is cry. Please some one give me some advice on how to handle this.

[Wandering_Sword]

As of right now I think you need some time to really organize your thoughts. You have presented a lot of problems with the relationship. Those must be addressed first. Do you still want to be with him, eventhough he thought it was alright for him to be with other people and not you? Does he consider you to be property? To me, sounds like you need some time to think things through. I'm not advocating NC but just some time to really access what you want from him, the relationship and most importantly yourself.

[lunatic]

Welcome to Enotalone!

 

Please for future reference, break your post up into paragraphs to make it easier to read. You will find more people respond to your post. Next is the language issue which I removed from the post already. If you post foul language on this forum your post will be removed without notice. If you have any questions about the posting rules see my signature for a link to them.

 

Now that is outta the way...

 

Which i somewhat understand, but he is not innocent. Its not like he wasnt out doing the exact same things. But he says its different, that guys can do that and its fine, girls who do it are just sluts.

 

This comment from him is not only a cop out but, it is a stereotypical answer from an abusive person. Who the heck does he think he is being able to run around on you and everything is OK but, God forbid you do anything then your a ho. That is a crock of poop here hun and this guy is not worth your time.

 

Before I can give you anymore advice I need some more information from you. I think No Contact might be in order but, lets see what the answers to these questions bring.

 

1. How long were you with this man?

2. How old are you? (PM me if your concerned about your privacy)

3. What caused the breakup in the first place?

 

Thanks,

Hub

[brokenhearted86]

we have been together for two years. which is not really that long but we moved really fast for a year of that two years we were together we lived together. i am 20 i will be 21 in april. and i dont know what caused the break up really. the first time he had cheated on me and wanted to explore. now he just says he cant get over what i did while we were broken up, we were broken up for 8 months i was with 2 ppl and he was with 4. now we have been back together for 6 months since all that happened and he just doesnt want to b with me ne more because of the things i have done. sorry about the foul language by the way. i didnt know another way to put it.

[Meow18]

I agree with Hubman. Since when is it ok for a guy to cheat and be disrespectful like that, but it's not ok for girls?

 

Now, I don't think it's right no matter who you are or what your situation is. But anyways, he's just trying to cover what he did by what you did.

 

But, you did this with his friend while you weren't together. So, is he mad that you lied, or that you did it? Cause you didn't cheat on him. You have to be in a relationship with somebody to cheat on them and you said you got back together after this happened.

 

In any case, lying to him was wrong and when the truth is ugly, it will always come out sooner or later. And he just can't get over it.

 

What he did was wrong as well, but you choose to forgive him when you took him back. So, to say that he should take you back cause you took him back means nothing. That was your choice and this is his choice.

 

Of course I think it's jerky that he would say it's ok for him to do it because "it's ok when guys do it". And that really shows what kind of guy he is.

 

Were you ever able to get over what he did to you? Do you think you ever could completely trust him?

[lunatic]

I agree with Hubman. Since when is it ok for a guy to cheat and be disrespectful like that, but it's not ok for girls?

 

Thanks Meow! I really did get angry when I read that comment. This guy your pining over is a tool hun. I know for a fact that you CAN do better for yourself. There are plenty of fish in the sea!

 

Now, I don't think it's right no matter who you are or what your situation is. But anyways, he's just trying to cover what he did by what you did.

But, you did this with his friend while you weren't together. So, is he mad that you lied, or that you did it? Cause you didn't cheat on him. You have to be in a relationship with somebody to cheat on them and you said you got back together after this happened.

 

EXACTLY!

 

In any case, lying to him was wrong and when the truth is ugly, it will always come out sooner or later. And he just can't get over it.

 

I agree with you again Meow!

 

And that really shows what kind of guy he is.

Another well put thought Meow.

[brokenhearted86]

I trust him. Not as much as i want to, but he really is a good guy. He knew about me and his friend before we got back together. So why would he have even wanted to be with me if he knew he would never get over it. Why did he continue to b with me for six more months if it was just hurting him. I know I shouldnt have lied. He hates liars, so its partly that, and partly that he doesnt trust me. He thinks if i would do stupid things like that when we are apart I will do them when we are together. He also considers what I did to be cheating on him. That we were never REALLY broken up. If that was the case then he cheated on me many times. I dont know I do want to be with him still no matter what he has done. Because I have been thru alot and i understand where he was coming from when he did those things. IT hurt me but i know i love him and i dont want to dwell on things that i cannot change. And since all that we have both been faithful.

[Meow18]

You would still want to be with him even though he is clearly a jerk who confessed that it's ok for him to cheat??

 

He cheated on you while you were together. And since he considers what you did cheating, then under his own definition of what cheating is- he also cheated on you with 4 different girls.

 

Is this really the type of guy you think you deserve? It doesn't matter if you love him right now. It's about what you deserve.

[brokenhearted86]

He isnt really as bad as he sounds.

He says when he cheated on me it was basically already over.

I always think if I had of been a better girlfriend, If I had of done this or that,

he wouldnt have cheated on me in the first place. And if he had of never cheated on me, then i would have never been with the other two ppl and we would b happy.

[brokenhearted86]

I hurt him, he hurt me. Im not innocent either. I don't want to hear how big of a jerk he is. Because he isn't. He may have some things he needs to work on. He may not always be right in the way he see's things. But none of us are perfect. He just wants whats best for me. I know him. It may not sound like it. But he does. He is very protective of me. Not to b controlling, he wants me to make my own decisions. But I always seem to make the wrong ones, he always tells me how i should handle things and i always do the opposite of what he says, and he always ends up being right, and then he can throw it in my face that i should listen to him.

[Meow18]

If you feel like you deserved to be cheated on, then that's your choice to feel that way.

 

I honestly don't know how you could let a guy be disrespectful to you and then say you deserved it. Nobody deserves that kind of pain. But I guess I'm not you.

 

Sorry I called him a jerk. I guess I shouldn't judge him when I really don't know him. It just kills me to read how much he has hurt you and how unfair he is, and yet, it's all your fault. Because it's NOT. You are who you are. If he can't love you for THAT, then he doesn't love YOU.

 

And I'm sorry, but what you just described, about how he tells you what to do, and throws it in your face that you should always listen to him, and you never can make the right decisions is controlling on his part.

[brokenhearted86]

maybe u are right. i didnt mean to get snappy or ne thing its just i see sides of him no one else see's everyone thinks he is so horrible, but he has always been right when he has told me not to do something that it was wrong and would only hurt me, i never listened. Im not perfect. He hasn't done anything, that i haven't done. Thank u for the advice. Maybe i just need to stop worrying about everything and take the time to think and time to cry.

[Meow18]

maybe u are right. i didnt mean to get snappy or ne thing its just i see sides of him no one else see's everyone thinks he is so horrible, but he has always been right when he has told me not to do something that it was wrong and would only hurt me, i never listened. Im not perfect. He hasn't done anything, that i haven't done. Thank u for the advice. Maybe i just need to stop worrying about everything and take the time to think and time to cry.

 

I really think you need time to think. I know you love this guy, and trust me, I know there's a sweet guy in him even if he has confusing and unfair opinions about cheating.

 

I worry though, because as much as you have good times together, your bad memories are really bad. He cheated, in his opinion you cheated, you've lied. And honestly, I have no doubt in my mind that he has never lied to you. Even if you did get back together, can things ever go back to "perfect"? Will you both always hold it in the backs of your minds how much the other has hurt you and always bring up the past whenever you argue or disagree?

 

Relationships aren't always perfect. It's normal to fight. But it's not ok for him to rub it in your face whenever you make a "wrong" decision. We all make mistakes, but that doesn't mean we need to hear about how we should have done something different everytime we make a mistake. That's disrespect in my opinion. And it can't be good for your self esteem.

[basic999]

Well this seems a little bit familiar, i guess ill jump in here since i am the "{ Mod Edit}" ex boyfriend.

 

 

She isnt telling the whole truth, shes making it seem like she is a bit more innocent than she really is. I am reluctant to get involved here, but she is lying to herself about us just to help herself.

 

 

Yes, i cheated, she was my first girlfriend, my first everything, we had bad times, she had been with 6 guys before me, i had been with no girls. She lied about some extremely slutty things she did, i consider them slutty, you guys might not, but 3 or 4 things she did before me were really really messed up. Yes it was before me, but the fact she lied about some of it really didnt help me. thats why i cheated, it isnt necessarily her fault, but i was weak and i folded under pressure.

 

I didnt exactly have an opportunity to do the things the way i shouldve when i cheated. i was in louisianna during the hurricane, no phone service, i messed up. I came home for a weekend and broke up with her but didnt think it was the appropriate time to tell her what happened, since i was going back for 2 more weeks. when i got home i told her i was with someone else while i was there, but i didnt tell her it was before we broke up, i also didnt tell her it was afterwards.

 

I broke up with her and told her i couldnt trust myself to be faithful, that i couldnt put her through what i might do, she insisted that we stay living together and that it was ok for me to go out and do what i wanted, that she wouldnt, she only wanted me and that i was welcome to do what i wanted and she would only be with me. This wasnt my idea, she made that bold statement, it was her idea. Well that lasted about 2 months, i slept with 1 girl, and she knew about it. and to get back at me (she admitted she only did it to get even with me) she slept with the guy that took her virginity, the 1 guy she knew would really send me off the deep end. I packed my stuff and was in the process of leaving and she slit her damn wrist, she got put into a mental home for a while and i moved on, she called me told me she wanted to talk, all that good stuff, and i still told her that i couldnt trust myself in a relationship and i 100% forgave her for what she did, i never really brought it up again. 5 months go by, we are dating, she has made the oath to only be with me AGAIN and told me it was ok for me to live my life how i wanted, that she would wait for me to settle down if i ever felt like i wanted to, she made this oath, i didnt request it, she said it, not me.

 

Well in june she tells me, ive been hanging out with a buddy of yours, and he gave her acid, i freaked, i dont like drugs and i didnt want her to get involved in that type thing, well she kept hanging out with him, because i was working 12 hours a day and didnt have time to hang out. and told me nothing was going on she just likes hanging out, for 2 weeks, she tells me this, and the whole time im pleading with her to stop going over there and doing drugs, and i kept asking her if anything was going on, she kept saying no, and after a week i told her i was sorry i had done what id done, and that i was ready to settle down and commit. Well she pretty much told me "oh well, to bad, you shouldve done it when you had the chance" and it crushed me, i wouldve never done anything id done if she hadnt given me 100% permission. Well i called her and met her at a park and i lied to her and said someone told me her and my friend were sleeping together and she lied again, and i kept pushing it and she finally admitted it with total hate towards me in her eyes, no tears, pure anger, i flip out and tell her to please stop, please be with me, i didnt know what this whole situation would do to me later down the road, after 2 or 3 weeks of still seeing me and him (she assures me it was a just friends thing) the 2 of them stopped hanging out and she devoted herself to me. that was 5 months ago and it didnt really sink in how angry it made me til a few months ago, and now i just want no contact for a while with her so i can clear my head and reevaluate my situation, but shes acting like i hate her and am just doing this so i can go out and have sex with other girls.

 

 

Oh and btw for the entire 6 months we were apart and while she was seeing the other guy, she continued to sleep with me on a regular basis, something i told her i wouldnt do if she started seeing anyone else, but she lied and now i feel stupid for trusting her and continuing to sleep with her.

 

 

Thats my side of this and she will agree its all true, i guarantee that.

[basic999]

well, actually i dont think ive included enough of my side here. it infuriates me that she is saying this stuff and trying to rationalize her indiscretions by what she gave me permission to do and what i did. it might not have been right for me to do what i did, but i was young, it was my first relationship and i was stupid and she allowed me to think what i was doing was ok.

 

I included her 100% on my decision, i told her what was going on and SHE recommended we break up, This was all her idea, now that i actually follow through with it she is smothering me, i tell her i want no contact and she is constantly text messaging me or IMing me, and i keep talking to her a while and telling her it has to stop. also, i get no cell service at my house, so if she calls me when im home she gets voicemail, if im not home then it rings, she keeps calling me to see if im at home at night or if im out with my friends and she makes comments like " well i see your out again, glad to see youve moved on so fast, i guess i never really meant anything to you afterall" its ridiculous.

 

I never told her it was over, i just said i needed space, a few months alone, that she was welcome to do as she pleases and that there was to be no agreement saying she had to be faithful to me . she has made a lot of progress since 6 months ago and i dont believe shed do what she did again, but that doesnt change what she did, some things you do you can never make right.

[Meow18]

I'm sorry, but I think it's time for you to both move on.

 

Obviously, you both don't even agree on what happened in the relationship. How can you fix something like that?

 

I think it would be better for you to both accept that this relationship is over at this point. There isn't anything else that either of you can do.

[basic999]

no she will agree, she knows what happened, but she is just sugarcoating it so its easier for her. I love her, i always have and would like to be with her again one day, when i forgive her for what she did, but she hasnt really done much to earn my forgiveness, as self centered as it sounds, i feel she messed this all up by lying about what she did, yea i did the same things but was always honest when asked, because i didnt inform her when i was sleeping with someone when she told me she didnt want to know, that isnt my fault and is in no way the same imo

[brokenhearted86]

he is right. Im not trying to "sugarcoat" anything I just simply don't go into so much detail. I didnt ever just say "hey its ok for u to go out and have sex with other girls" i just simply didnt tell him how bad it hurt me because i felt like the reason we broke up is because he felt like i was too controling. I didnt want him to think i was trying to tell him what to do. I tried to be super nice so he would see how much i cared. he is a great guy, and he hadnt been with ne one else, so i wanted to give him his space but i didnt want to lose him either. I shouldnt have done any of the things i did. I went about it ALL wrong. I realize this. And yes i have been "smothering" him I just worry that something could happen to him while we are having NO CONTACT and that i will have to live with thinking about what might have been if i had done things differently for the rest of my life. Its just hard, and as angry as he is that I keep messaging him, calling etc, i wish he would understand that this is not easy for me, its going to take time for me to heal. Its hard going from him being my everything to NOTHING. Im trying. I respect him and he deserves to b happy. And it is time for us to move on. We have both made mistakes, and I brought it all on myself. I should have listened to him when he tried to help. Im a very weak person. He makes me stronger. I never should have lied. I realize all these things. Its mostly my fault. He also continued having sex with me while he was having sex with other ppl, i let this happen. I understand where he is coming from completely, thats why i say he is not the jerk that it seems. I know he cares, but i also know what the reasoning was the first time we broke up, and im afraid that is what is happening here. Which I shouldnt worry if it does, because meow is right, we dont agree on anything and neither one of us is completely happy, so its just time to move on. there is nothing that we can do. I appreciate all the help and advice.

[brokenhearted86]

well i want to thank u all for ur input. Since my ex posted, (i didnt know he had an account on here) i browsed through some of his past post and it seems there was alot going on in his head i didn't know he felt. Or was serious about. So i just wanted to let u all know that i appreciate the help, and i think that from reading his past post and what ppl have had to say about this situation i can close the book on it and move on. While i know there will still be hard days and im not near healed i know the reasoning behind it all, and i only hope to learn from it all, and become stronger because of it. again, thanks all who posted.