More revelations

[onward]

Hi, my H had several emotional (explicit) affairs in 2004, and one physical. One of his emotional affairs he has claimed all this time to be physically driven, motivated to out of lust. He cruelly brought her up to me recently, while we were being physical. He told me they were in fact physical (he knows that I have been concerned that he has been physical and never told me). Well, he told me they were--as part of his fantasy. He later told me he told me this to upset me, as he finds it a turn on. He also told me the next day that he was never physical with her, though he did kiss her cheek while she slept (we were neighbors and she had fallen asleep on the couch). I told him this seemed more intimate than just lust, and he admitted he was in love with her in a way. That he wanted what was best for her. Mind you, I asked these questions before, and he lied and lied and lied. Now he fesses up, 2+ yrs later. He also "accidentally" contacted her this summer, after months of no contact. So, I assume he has lingering feelings for her. I guess part of my pride is hurt because this woman has been very mean to me in the past, she is "B" in every sense of the word, why did he love her? She was even unkind to our DD! But somehow she occupied more of his thoughts and loyalty for months, maybe years (who knows) more than I..."his best friend".

 

I get upset because he lied to me again, and I always feel like a fool. I am upset because she is not worth losing my family over and upsetting my children's lives. He admitted that in some ways he even put some of his feelings for her above his for his family. How stupid.

 

I get upset because I cannot ask him questions. After all, he says it's in the past and that I make too much and he hates to answer my questions and this is why he hesitates to tell me things. I think he's a coward and I am losing more and more respect for him as a husband daily. Now the thought of being physical with him makes me feel sick and cheap. I have avoided him for a few days but I know I can't for long. I don't feel close to him. I don't want to be close and vulnerable to him right now. Maybe that can change, but not today. IS that gameplaying? I have questions and I wish he were adult enough and cared enough about me and US to answer me honestly, without hesitation, without making me feel like I got the problem. But he never has, so why would he now. He tells me the truth over periods of months or years. Something I asked him to not do.

 

I am confused and alone. As you know, affairs make you distant from others, like they will find out "The Secret". I lost lots of time with my kids and family and lost contact with friends, all over ...him.

 

I need help. Not sure if I want a divorce, but I am sick of this...sick of just working on it alone, sick of him thinking saying "Sorry" is enough. Nothing has changed. He hasn't cheated again because he has no real prospects. If he did, I am pretty certain he would, and try to act more normal better. He is not good at carrying on affairs. I can tell, thru all the denials. Furthermore, I am pretty sure he followed thru with a physical affair to heal his wounded heart and pride after "her" rejection.

 

I know no one can tell me what to do, but I need some help. I have 3 kids, between ages 8 and 6 months. I don't want to break up the family, but I don't want my marriage to continue this way. I am starting to dislike my marriage, him and myself more and more (after months of "healing"). And I know it sounds conditional, but I feel like I love him less the more he lies. I don't know if I can love him the way I did before all the lies. The lying is what is killing the marriage more and more. I know it's not in the present and I try to be forgiving, but it seems to never end. Old lies of yesterday, not revealed, make lies for today. And then what are we built on?

 

thanks, sorry so long.

 

I really disliked this woman. She was so unkind to me, and my husband knew this. And he still pursued her, first physically(though it didn't get physical) and then by allowing his emotions to get involved. It's hurtful.

 

Honestly, I don't want to leave him. I want for us to refocus on our marriage. I want for him to get help. He's not the monster he seems to be portrayed as here, it's just that THIS IS A HUGE DEAL...

[NeverMore]

Hi,

I am so sorry to hear you are goinmg through all of this. It is devestating to say the least.

 

I do agree that he needs help. But, I also think you should get some help. Not saying there is anything wrong with you, but for puproses of coping with everything.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I am so sorry you are in such a complicated situation, it sounds very stressful and painful...

 

first, something jumped out at me that you said: 'He later told me he told me this to upset me, as he finds it a turn on.' That is a very cruel thing he is doing, sadistic, like he takes pleasure in knowing he is saying/doing something that upsets and hurts you deeply, and he is getting a thrill and enjoyment seeing how it hurts you.

 

and what is worse is that that is a really twisted thing to want, to enjoy doing things that hurt your partner... So part of his thrill in pursuing these other women is that he KNOWS it upsets and hurts you, and he is ENJOYING it... a normal person does everything they can to NOT hurt their partner, let alone enjoy doing it...

 

this situation REALLY sounds like you need to insist on couples counseling with him, and if he won't go, then go yourself to get healthy and strong and understand what you need to do with your life and kids... this is a totally unhealthy situation for you, and it sounds like he is getting more blatant and aggressive with his activities, doing things like introducing you to his mistress, and enjoying your distress when he does...

 

if he is a chronic and pathological liar, staying with him will only teach your children how to be liars, users, manipulators. your sons will learn that they shouldn't respect women, and hurt them for fun, and your daughters will learn to be doormats and accept that men use, betray, and hurt women...

 

and you will just be beaten down day after day because he is really getting off on hurting you, a really perverse enjoyment of it that is TOTALLY abnormal and not to be tolerated...

 

please don't let this go on any longer, for your own sake and your childrens. start dealing with it by trying to get some counseling, any way you can, from free or church sources if you can't afford it on your own... and if you think he is sleeping with lots of women, don't sleep with him for fear of getting diseases... he may also escalate eventually from just mental gameplaying and abuse to physical abuse, since he seems to enjoy hurting you...

 

as you say, it IS a huge deal, don't let this go on any longer without dealing with it...

[Northalius]

BeStrong, that also hit me when I read it.

 

The thought came to me: He has insecurities that he needs to kill, and this seems to be the only [sad, sick, immature] way of doing it, for him.

 

It's like a man loving to watch two women fight over him. The more they fight, the more he sees himself as worth it... even to the point of physical injury. Pride - it can be a disgusting thing when abused as such.

 

The same reasoning I picture her husband hurting her feelings by doing this, to see her reaction, and thus somehow prove in his mind that he's worth being hurt over.

 

I know, it's disgusting, and very selfish of him to do; that's what happens when your self-esteem dwindles down to nothing, you'll be desperate to do such things.

 

He really does need counseling.

[Kalika]

Honestly, he sounds almost sociopathic in his blatant disregard for you. I mean, your hurt feelings turn him on?? Isn't that a warning sign? I would NEVER advocate divorce, especially where kids are involved, but how do you see this getting any better?? And another question: are you able to take care of your family when you're this distraught over his cruelty??