Hi, my H had several emotional (explicit) affairs in 2004, and one physical. One of his emotional affairs he has claimed all this time to be physically driven, motivated to out of lust. He cruelly brought her up to me recently, while we were being physical. He told me they were in fact physical (he knows that I have been concerned that he has been physical and never told me). Well, he told me they were--as part of his fantasy. He later told me he told me this to upset me, as he finds it a turn on. He also told me the next day that he was never physical with her, though he did kiss her cheek while she slept (we were neighbors and she had fallen asleep on the couch). I told him this seemed more intimate than just lust, and he admitted he was in love with her in a way. That he wanted what was best for her. Mind you, I asked these questions before, and he lied and lied and lied. Now he fesses up, 2+ yrs later. He also "accidentally" contacted her this summer, after months of no contact. So, I assume he has lingering feelings for her. I guess part of my pride is hurt because this woman has been very mean to me in the past, she is "B" in every sense of the word, why did he love her? She was even unkind to our DD! But somehow she occupied more of his thoughts and loyalty for months, maybe years (who knows) more than I..."his best friend".
I get upset because he lied to me again, and I always feel like a fool. I am upset because she is not worth losing my family over and upsetting my children's lives. He admitted that in some ways he even put some of his feelings for her above his for his family. How stupid.
I get upset because I cannot ask him questions. After all, he says it's in the past and that I make too much and he hates to answer my questions and this is why he hesitates to tell me things. I think he's a coward and I am losing more and more respect for him as a husband daily. Now the thought of being physical with him makes me feel sick and cheap. I have avoided him for a few days but I know I can't for long. I don't feel close to him. I don't want to be close and vulnerable to him right now. Maybe that can change, but not today. IS that gameplaying? I have questions and I wish he were adult enough and cared enough about me and US to answer me honestly, without hesitation, without making me feel like I got the problem. But he never has, so why would he now. He tells me the truth over periods of months or years. Something I asked him to not do.
I am confused and alone. As you know, affairs make you distant from others, like they will find out "The Secret". I lost lots of time with my kids and family and lost contact with friends, all over ...him.
I need help. Not sure if I want a divorce, but I am sick of this...sick of just working on it alone, sick of him thinking saying "Sorry" is enough. Nothing has changed. He hasn't cheated again because he has no real prospects. If he did, I am pretty certain he would, and try to act more normal better. He is not good at carrying on affairs. I can tell, thru all the denials. Furthermore, I am pretty sure he followed thru with a physical affair to heal his wounded heart and pride after "her" rejection.
I know no one can tell me what to do, but I need some help. I have 3 kids, between ages 8 and 6 months. I don't want to break up the family, but I don't want my marriage to continue this way. I am starting to dislike my marriage, him and myself more and more (after months of "healing"). And I know it sounds conditional, but I feel like I love him less the more he lies. I don't know if I can love him the way I did before all the lies. The lying is what is killing the marriage more and more. I know it's not in the present and I try to be forgiving, but it seems to never end. Old lies of yesterday, not revealed, make lies for today. And then what are we built on?
thanks, sorry so long.
I really disliked this woman. She was so unkind to me, and my husband knew this. And he still pursued her, first physically(though it didn't get physical) and then by allowing his emotions to get involved. It's hurtful.
Honestly, I don't want to leave him. I want for us to refocus on our marriage. I want for him to get help. He's not the monster he seems to be portrayed as here, it's just that THIS IS A HUGE DEAL...
