im totally engaged and i love him so much.. but i have feelings for another guy

[leftunsaid88]

I don't wana leave my man.. but i just like another guy.. i haven't been with my fiance for very long and i have known this other guy for a while.. all i wana do is just have a lil fun with this guy... i know i shouldnt think this way.. but i can't stop thinking about him... am i just a lil scared about settling down with one guy for the rest of my life? or do i just not love nathan as much as i think i do?

[Kalika]

Maybe you're too young to have a fiance? Just a thought.. even thinking about marriage is a serious step that most people your age are simply not ready for. Maybe you should reconsider the seriousness of your relationship.

[NeverMore]

This will sound really harsh... But I could tell by reading the title of your thread that you are not ready to be engaged.

[shep88ner]

i totaly agree with the others. you're not ready for this commitment. engagement is a lot bigger than just a word. if you're not 100% commited to your fiance then dont lead him on and ultimatly hurt him

[Rabican]

I wouldnt torture yourself over some 'thoughts' as long as they dont go any farther than that.

 

Can you chalk this up to a simple fantasy, or is it more than that? IF it is more than that, it will affect your relationship with your fiance.

 

You have two choices.

 

NO contact with the other guy. Nothing good will come of staying friends with him, if you have feelings for him while you are with your fiance.

 

Tell your fiance you arent ready to get married yet... and then go from there. Either break up, or just take it slow for a while until you sort out what it is you really want.

[leftunsaid88]

it started out as just a fantasy but the more nathans grandmother talks bad about me and my relationship with nathan.. the more i wish that i was with alan... he is always there to cheer me up when i hear more rumors that nathans grandma starts about me

[sidehop]

I think you're being selfish and clearly need to understand the concept of marriage.

 

Marriage is a life time commitment. It won't change anything about your relationship other then the fact that you are more committed and have perks or two. That's it. It's no Cinderella or ever lasting love just because you are married.

 

I don't mean to be harsh but if you truly love your fiance then you wouldn't be thinking this way about other men. Unless of course you love him for the wrong reason which you may need to really look into your heart

[Kalika]

Wow.. Okay, hun, you are definitely NOT ready for marriage. Please reconsider even referring to nathan as your fiance ... you may even want to reconsider being in a relationship at all if a grandmother's trashtalking could make you want to run into another man's arms.

[NeverMore]

Dear, do both him and yourself a favor and give him his ring back.

[freedom]

i think you should end the relationship you are in as you are not sure.

There is nothing wrst then being stuck in a long term relationship when you are not ready for. You will hurt both ou and him. Divorce and detrayal scars for a very long time. mabe you need to explore the world and its opportunities that maybe in your horizon.

[BellaDonna]

I don't wana leave my man.. but i just like another guy.. i haven't been with my fiance for very long and i have known this other guy for a while.. all i wana do is just have a lil fun with this guy... i know i shouldnt think this way.. but i can't stop thinking about him... am i just a lil scared about settling down with one guy for the rest of my life? or do i just not love nathan as much as i think i do?

 

You are not ready for marriage...and that's OK. What's not ok is to lie to your fiance about it.

 

Tell him the truth.

 

You stated that you want to "have a lil fun" with another guy- what that essentially means is that you want to cheat- no need to sugar-coat it. Cheating is one of the worst things you can do to hurt another person, so if you are contemplating it- you definitely do not "love" your fiance the way you should love a man who you want to marry.

 

It's ok to have fun- but not if you are lying to another person while you're doing it, and deceiving them. Your engagement is a serious promise- if you are not taking it seriously now- I doubt your marriage will ever last.

 

Don't string your fiance along and make him think that you want to be faithful to him and only him, if your mind is truly elsewhere. What's the point in lying? You are young and have plenty of time to get married, so if you are not ready I don't think you should go through with it right now. Follow your gut feelings.

 

It might hurt your fiance in the beginning, but he'd be so much better off in the long run. He deserves to marry someone who is willing to keep their promise. Marriage and engagement are not something you should take lightly.

 

Ask yourself this question: Do I want to be with my fiance, and only him from now until the rest of my life? If the answer is "no" or "I don't know" or "yes...BUT" then you are not ready for marriage. Like I said eariler, it's ok if you're not- just don't lie about it. Let him go.

 

If you're not ready, don't get any deeper into this, or you'll end up getting consumed and distracted by wedding planning. You'll get lost in the superficial details of centerpieces, gowns, wedding songs, cake, and overall pressure -when what you really need to be thinking of is whether you want to be with this man forever. If you take marriage vows wthout truly being sure, I think it is one of the most hurtful things you could ever do to him (and yourself too).

 

 

BellaDonna

[Northalius]

I 100% agree with those saying it's not good; I disagree with those that say "if it's fantasy, then it's okay..."

 

I personally believe that fantasizing is just the first step on a slippery slope to physically cheating; even if you never let it go that far, it'll still interfere somehow in your relationship! Your attention willn't be fully on your fiance, as it should be! That's not good now, nor especially in the long run.

 

Too many kids today get married too quickly. Too many are in a rush to get married! Over 50% end in divorce! I personally think it's just their fantasy, imagining in their heads this 'perfect' unity, before it even happens in reality, first!

 

I'd say you're just too young, and not totally committed enough to get married. Plus, it doesn't sound like you actually love your fiance, if you're wanting to have a fling with another man.

 

There're two kinds of cheating to me: Physically and mentally.

 

If you're fantasizing about another man, you've just cheated on your partner in your mind. It's not a good thing, and you should reevaluate your current relationship, maybe with a counselor, to see why it is you're doing this now.

 

Don't listen to anyone that says 'fantasizing about another person is okay to do'... because it's not. In the long run, it'll either lead you to finally doing it physically, or if not physically, it'll eventually ruin your relationship with your man, since your emotions and desire will not be solely on him.

 

Even if both of these things do not happen, which I personally doubt, it's still not right to fantasize about other men when you've entered into a commitment with one man. Wouldn't it hurt you knowing the one you say you love is fantasizing about other women while with you?

 

If you truly loved this man, you'd not fantasize about other men, since in true love, is respect, honesty and faithfulness. Willingly breaking a commitment, whether physically or mentally, is dishonest, disrespectful and unfaithful.

 

Remember, love isn't just a word, it's an action.

 

Sorry if this came off kind of harsh, but I feel that many people today need some kind of wake up call when it comes to cheating. We need to break the chain cold turkey!

[Batya33]

I don't wana leave my man.. but i just like another guy.. i haven't been with my fiance for very long and i have known this other guy for a while.. all i wana do is just have a lil fun with this guy... i know i shouldnt think this way.. but i can't stop thinking about him... am i just a lil scared about settling down with one guy for the rest of my life? or do i just not love nathan as much as i think i do?

 

Are you officially engaged - meaning, do you have a wedding date? Here's the thing - if you want the status of being engaged and the nice ring, nice presents, etc, you don't promise never to think about another man but you do promise never to have sexual contact with another man. It's up to you. I think fantasizing (but not obsessing - and not if it is an addiciton to watching porn, etc) is very healthy because it hurts no one as long as you choose to stay committed and faithful and perhaps you can put all your fantasizing energy into a romantic night with your fiancee.

 

"Mental" cheating is to me a fairly silly concept because even in our criminal laws you cannot be prosecuted simply for thinking "illegal" or criminal thoughts. It's fine to be close platonic friends with a man, to harmlessly flirt as long as it's not in front of your fiancee and doesn't cross the line, to think about hot guys from time to time, etc. All you promise in the marriage vows is not to have sexual contact with a person who is not your husband. That's it.

 

And, if loving is the same as "giving" can you define your love for nathan as to what you give to him and are inspired to give to him - loving is action not just a feeling - is it just some abstract feeling to you?

 

I would NOT tell Nathan that you are interested in another guy - why unnecesarily hurt him? It is not lying to him to be engaged and committed even if sometimes you think about this other guy - honesty does not mean telling your partner something that will unnecesarily hurt him. If you plan to dateor hook up with other people then you have to tell him that - but if all you do is think about another man please don't be selfish and tell him that - it will simply hurt him and will be a way for you to unload your guilt - not because you care for him.

[valiantv]

Wow, you're 18! You haven't been with your fiancé for very long, and you're engaged?!

If you are in love with your fiancé, forget about the other guy. It is probably just a passing phase - just let yourself get over it. That's the advice I'd have if you were a bit older, and with Nathan for a while, but wait... You're 18!