Do you have the right to ask your partner to stop going to lap-dancing clubs?

[RayKay]

I think it honestly comes down to the person, and the relationship.

 

First off, he does tell me when he goes. He goes rarely, and we live together and do know what we are doing when we are apart; so that is not an issue. For me it is not an issue he goes now and then, and his interests lay in much different pursuits than hanging out at strip bars.

 

As for lapdances - I know he does not get them; he once expressed he wished he had got one when he was MUCH younger and single; but he sees it as cheating himself and does not find it appealing to do anymore either. It really comes down to the person, and their own values: not just what YOU want or do not want them to do. Character has a lot to do with someone's desire to do so or whether they would break boundaries. I would not be with someone whom I did not trust, or whom was not of man of integrity and would say one thing, and do another.

[CarnelianButterfly]

As for lapdances - I know he does not get them; he once expressed he wished he had got one when he was MUCH younger and single; but he sees it as cheating himself and does not find it appealing to do anymore either. It really comes down to the person, and their own values: not just what YOU want or do not want them to do. Character has a lot to do with someone's desire to do so or whether they would break boundaries. I would not be with someone whom I did not trust, or whom was not of man of integrity and would say one thing, and do another.

I agree. It is a mark of the person's character, which is something that is a big part of what determines if a long term relationship is feasible. If the individual is willing to go to strip clubs and have lap dances, it’s obviously a conflict of interest for them to date someone who does not agree with that. And that they would lie is another indication of character. If lies are told in one aspect of the relationship, how much confidence is there in other parts.

[chai714]

If the individual is willing to go to strip clubs and have lap dances, it’s obviously a conflict of interest for them to date someone who does not agree with that. And that they would lie is another indication of character. If lies are told in one aspect of the relationship, how much confidence is there in other parts.

 

CB, I agree with you on this one.

[Aleadragonhawk]

My opinion on this topic closely mirrors my opinion on the topic of pornography. It should be considered on a relationship by relationship basis. No matter what the situation is, if one party in a relationship is doing something that makes the other feel uncomfortable, there is a PROBLEM. I firmly believe that in any case that causes a conflict like this, the people in the relationship should be comfortable with going to one another and saying "I don't like this because..." even if they feel it's silly, or other people think they don't have the right to feel that way. The partner doesn't have to do anything about it, necessarily, but the relationship needs to be open to communication. I know that I'd feel horrible if something I was doing was making my fiance feel uncomfortable, but he didn't tell me about it because he didn't view his emotions as valid.

 

I don't think that you can set any one thing up as necessarily wrong in every relationship, because people and relationships vary so much. There isn't one "truth", especially with something as variable as human emotions. You can't say that men do this, or women do that, because we're all so incredibly, beautifully different. That's part of why it's important to stay in tune with your feelings, and express not how you think you should feel, but how you really do feel - because chances are, your exact relationship, and your exact take on things, are going to be fairly unique.

[TiredMan]

I think this topic was here before.

 

I believe it's ok to go, if it's for a special occasion. Like if you are in a committed relationship and it bothers him/her, then going regularly isn't cool, in my opinion.

 

But going for a special occasion (bachelor party for example) to me is different. I would go for that. If my SO had a problem with that, that is her problem.

[Kalika]

I don't think of myself as a prude in any way, but if my partner were going to strip clubs, I don't think I'd be with him for long.. Just the idea that he could find that appealing would be a turnoff to me.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Something about men needing to pay for pleasure for any reason is a turn off for me, too.

 

Its pathetic and not very inspiring of respect for their male "prowess".

[cantexplain]

I think this topic was here before.

 

But going for a special occasion (bachelor party for example) to me is different. I would go for that. If my [significant other] had a problem with that, that is her problem.

 

Boy, if my significant other told me she didn't want me to go to strip clubs, even with work colleagues or for a bachelor's party, not only would I honor this; but I would also PROUDLY state this to my friends and work colleagues and BE GLAD to have the excuse to get out of such a stupid and insulting waste of time and money and spirit.

 

If my significant other did not mind, sure I'd be impressed with her trust; but I'd be bit disappointed in her standards or lack of understanding of what can go on in those places.

 

I would not go even if she did not mind! Oh no, I would not infect my relationship with that.

 

And you women who think that strip clubs are not the place you want your man to go - rest assuredly that all of the quality guys I know feel and act the same way I do on this topic. These men are, at the very least, too mature to waste their time in this way.

[CarnelianButterfly]

These men are, at the very least, too mature to waste their time in this way.

I think its a phase some men feel they need to go through, like hiding porn under their beds and masturbating when their folks aren't home.

[cantexplain]

I think its a phase some men feel they need to go through, like hiding porn under their beds and masturbating when their folks aren't home.

 

 

Yes I agree. I remember finding my older brother's playboys and being fascinated by these. Soon I hooked-up with my high school sweetheart and those magazines were history.

 

Then in my early twenties one of my buddies got married and his brother had us all to a strip club in Atlanta. I thought I had seen it all but was incredibly amazed at the sight of 50 live Playboy bunnies taking their clothes off in the same room. I was embarrased because I was with old friends.

 

I came back with my roommate to try to get a beat on this new and mysterious thing. He had a good time but thought it was a waste of money. As for me I concluded my girlfriend was more beautiful than any of them. (and she really was) The only thing "special" about those women is that they are willing to take their clothes off and bounce themselves in front of strangers.

 

Women who don't do that are more beautiful to me, period.

 

And I agree it is a phase.

 

My conclusion about pornography, drugs, alcohol, church - all these things which may or may not have some morality component attached - is that people must have the freedom to explore their values in order for them to find what they are.

 

So I am not against strip clubs - just disappointed they are so popular.

 

And I suspect there is alot of drug addictions maintained by the money. I would question any man's sense of right and wrong of any maturity willing to contribute his earnings/savings to the strip club & lap dance scene.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Cantexplain, where exactly can I find a man like you with such clear views on these things? LOL

 

My bf and I have this disagreement all the time, he thinks its okay as an every now and then thing but the way I see it, he has 3 kids who he can more then easily go spend that money on instead of a bunch of women who he doesnt even know and is just supporting their drug habits. So i agree with the fact it should be something that both parties agree on, and only if everything else is being handled but I think it's disrespectful for a guy to say he isn't willing to give up something like this for a relationship, doesnt show much commitment to me. If you're SO is uncomfortable with you watching other girls strip and paying them money why cant you have common decency to respect that? Maybe i'm missing something?

[cantexplain]

Cantexplain, where exactly can I find a man like you with such clear views on these things?

 

not in a strip club!

 

but here on enotalone, apparently.

 

Most guys uncomfortable in their gut with these things are at home with their families. They are also likely too busy to be on the internet hashing out these issues. And since they don't go to these places, they don't think much of it. It was only by involving myself in a porn discussion I recently came to my own conclusion that receiving money for sex was not immoral, but paying money for sex is. I would not even have struggled with this idea unless I reflected on another poster's concerns of a prostitute having been in her bed prior to her marriage. I put myself in her shoes. I put myself in her husband's shoes. And I tried to get perspective on her situation by imagining I married a former prostitute and she told me this part of her past after we were married. So I would not have come to these conclusions without trying to empathasize through all perspectives - get some sense of the whole thing from all sides.

 

If you're SO is uncomfortable with you watching other girls strip and paying them money why cant you have common decency to respect that? Maybe i'm missing something?

 

Your second question above is unclear to me. Should you rephrase it?

 

I think what you may be saying/asking is: If you, mythical suicide, is so uncomfortable with your husband going to these places then why can't he respect that?

 

If so, I have two answers maybe:

 

1) his social identity - the company he keeps - has left him in a value position that sex clubs (also legal, increasingly common) are okay.

 

2) his relationship values aren't like someone like mine.

 

Where I stand with people in my inner circle is that if I do or don't like something - if they love me I should not have to explain or provide any reason. And I give them the same respect in return

 

For example, if my girlfriend fed one of my dogs peoplefood regularly - I should be able to say I don't want the dogs to get peoplefood. I should not have to explain why - anymore than - hey I am responsible for these animals and this is what I wish. (Don't get me wrong I am happy to give the "because" so she understands me better - but my "because" should have NOTHING to do with the reason she honors my request)

 

So he is not listening to your wishes, he's listening for a "because" - and the ones he's using may be because all his buddies do it, these clubs are legal, they are everywhere, they are like the air we breathe, etc.

 

I don't think you should have to give him a reason besides "I don't want you to go". Once you give him a reason the topic changes from your feelings to a debate about strip clubs. Those should occur in the papers, in legislative sessions, at church, in pubs, on enotalone, etc. - not in a discussion about your feelings.

 

If my girlfriend went to male strip clubs I wouldn't have to tell her my wishes. It would really worry me, make me wonder she has lost her interest, or could lose her interest, in my sexual self. I think it would be a deal breaker - consider it sabotage - or that I made a mistake choosing her as a companion.

 

I won't suggest you go to male strip clubs to give him a taste of how this feels - because it could either start a spiral of mistrust and dishonesty and games, or diminish the consistency of your own self-image and social reputation you may wish to continue to keep. I don't know what to say to you about your situation. I can see that you are not alone.

[cantexplain]

So he is not listening to your wishes, he's listening for a "because" - and the ones he's using may be because all his buddies do it, these clubs are legal, they are everywhere, they are like the air we breathe, etc.

 

I don't want to hurt you but let's face it:

 

"because" it is fun, probably gets him off.

 

Some women don't mind this, or have been conditioned to expect it from a male partner.

[gobanger]

I honestly dont care if my girlfriend gets a lap dance. As long as I get to watch.

[cantexplain]

gobanger,

 

That's cool for you guys. I am curious, do male strippers give lap dances? How does that work?

 

When a female stripper gives a guy a lapdance she is basically rubbing, grinding her butt and et cetera directly on top of and all around the guys groin.

 

Here in Georgia the dancers do this with their lingerie on. In North Carolina where I lived and worked for 10 years - the State allows the strippers to do lapdances with ALL their clothes off. There are also private rooms in these clubs where other, more private contact occurs.

 

So when a male stripper gives a lap dance to a woman is it using his butt or his groin? - and I'm assuming this action is direct contact with her lap, etc.

 

Does he wear clothes?

 

How does that work?

 

And does your girlfriend like this, know you want to watch?

[cantexplain]

 

I recently came to my own conclusion that receiving money for sex was not immoral, but paying money for sex is.

 

I thought of something I want to add to this thread: something about this topic of morality.

 

To be more clear I should have written above:

 

"me receiving money for sex is not immoral, but me paying money for sex is."

 

I do not want to take my values and impose them on others. What if I were wrong? I should only risk issues of moral correctness with regards to my own behavior.

 

For example, I feel it is not my place to decide whether a serial killer goes to heaven or hell, if I believed in such constructs. That is for the "universe" to decide, if "it" even does such things.

 

But I can decide that it is not right for me to kill. And I can decide that I want to protect myself from killers. This, for me, also means I won't take any risks or waste my time hanging with them or contributing to their killing which defies my own values. Otherwise I would be defying my own morality through contrition.

 

My big thing, at this stage of my life, is a conviction about issues of dishonesty in my inner circles. In an environment of dishonesty this opens the possibilities that any number of things can be going on. I am quite content with my judgement that lying for some kind of success (as opposed to survival), at the expense of anothers awareness of truth, is robbing someone of no less than life. In my case this then leads to my own mistrust, hesitation, and doubt.

 

So if I get lapdances and do not omit this truth from my partner who understands me to be devoted to her - I am good to go and get that lapdance, according to my own morals.

 

Conversely, if my "significant other" got lapdances, I'd feel betrayed and as if the commitment of devotion was a lie. Additionally, separate from the dishonesty side of this, I'd clearly question her feelings of devotion for and attraction to me. I'd feel diminished. That's just me.

 

I wanted to clarify this morality stuff.

[Xx7shadesRedxX]

personally, i would not be with a man that spent his time and money lusting over another woman. i would rather be alone.

 

if it is a problem, however, you have the right to ask. if he says no, i suppose you know where his priorities are...

[anggrace]

Its desrespectful to you if you dont like it and he continues to do it. I would not want to have some others guys junk in my face if I were in a relationship. It wouldn't feel right to me. But I guess were all different.

[TiredMan]

So wait, are you saying that quality guys are the ones who think what you do?

 

I personally disagree with it. In a committed relationship, I don't think it's cool to go regularly if the other person tells you it bothers them. But for special occasions, like I said, he/she just has to deal with it.

[cantexplain]

So wait, are you saying that quality guys are the ones who think what you do?

 

I personally disagree with it. In a committed relationship, I don't think it's cool to go regularly if the other person tells you it bothers them. But for special occasions, like I said, he/she just has to deal with it.

 

Well, thanks for catching me on the first point.

 

Let me refine that post.

 

1) ... BE GLAD to have the excuse to get out of such a stupid and insulting waste of MY AND MY FAMILY'S time and money and spirit.

 

2) And you women who think that strip clubs are not the place you want your man to go - rest assuredly that all of the guys ... who feel their partner's feelings are more important than some new, possibly passing social norms arising out of aberrant sexual behavior and the businesses which take advantage of and promote this aberrant behavior ... I know feel and act the same way I do on this topic.

[Neworleanslady]

First of all, let's for one second entertain the idea of women getting lap dances in clubs (I am sure some do, but men get off much more on that). And I mean lap dances from men not chics. Some hot, sweaty, large penised man in our face, just girating as we stuff bills down his G, would our men be jealous? HECK YEA!! They can say the would not, but they would be. No one likes their partners to get lap dances from people who are more fit, sexual or perceived to be hotter than us. So you have every right to ask him to not get a lap dance. I mean isn't a table dance enough or just watching a myriad of boobs from accross the room? What happened to you can look but not touch?

[candy604]

I think he has the right to go lap dancing clubs, brothels, orgies, swing parties.

 

The same way I have the right to walk away and find someone else that is not into that.

 

good point!

[TiredMan]

I think he has the right to go lap dancing clubs, brothels, orgies, swing parties.

 

The same way I have the right to walk away and find someone else that is not into that.

 

Wow! Can you honestly put the club with the rest? The rest involve actual cheating unless you are going to these places just to watch others people like you having sex (which I doubt).

[TiredMan]

and insulting waste of MY AND MY FAMILY'S time and money and spirit.

 

2) And you women who think that strip clubs are not the place you want your man to go - rest assuredly that all of the guys ... who feel their partner's feelings are more important than some new, possibly passing social norms arising out of aberrant sexual behavior and the businesses which take advantage of and promote this aberrant behavior ... I know feel and act the same way I do on this topic.

 

Not true. Im' in a committed relationship. I don't go to strip clubs or go-go places because I don't like to. But I did go once because it was a special occasion. I care more about my SO's feelings than I do my own. But I am also loyal to my friends as well. Now if I was asked to go just for the sake of going, I probably wouldn't. But if I have a friend who is getting married, and he is having his bachelor party at one OR he is having strippers at his home/hotel or whatever, and I decide not to go because I'm with someone, then I am not a good friend and I am whipped.

 

And if she wanted to go to a bachlorette party that happened to have male dancers at it, then I wouldn't keep her from it either. I mean it's a good friend of course in both situations. Not just some she or I barely know.

[lilady]

why doesn't everyone just stay home and husbands give your wives lap dances and let them pay you and wives give your husbands lap dances and let him pay you instead....

 

(sorry, I'm just being sassy)