head_heart Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 So we were watching this biography show on discovery channel, it was about Benjamin..who was famous for his interest in prostitutes...so I asked my bf if he ever did one...he said only once and it was in the same bed we are currently sleep on...he said he was single and horny and desperate...it happened about 5 years ago... He is quiet faithful with me and actually he is the one that I feel most secure with...but somehow thinking about it just grosses me out...he paid $350/hr so I guess he must have had a really good service...yuck...it bothers me so much... Link to comment
luvursmile Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I cant blame you for being grossed out. But, hey, it was 5 years ago. As long as he doesnt do it anymore... Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 well, I don't know, it is in the past, so let it go. he isn't still doing that, is he? in a sense, it wasn't all that different from him going to a bar and trying to pick a girl up. I hope he used a condom and I hope for $350, he got real good service! A lot of us have one stupid or not so well thought out things when we were desperate, so maybe just let it go. that was a long time ago and he isn't that man anymore. good luck Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 does it bother you to know he had sex before you as well? I mean, like with a girl friend? Is that the same thing? I mean, what is it that bothers you? Is it the prostitute thing or the sex thing? Link to comment
fnlyfrei Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Eww...get a new bed. Try to erase it from your memory. What happened before you met one another is history. I would ask him not to share his stories. Link to comment
lizziebee Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 $350. bux?! Wow! I would like to know what a guy gets for that kind of dough! Anyway, I guess it would bother me thinking about what exactly DID he get for that kind of dough and I agree with Awwdree, Anne, is this the same feeling you would have it was an ex? Typing this I would think not, because of the money thing...makes me ask why did he have to pay for it? Link to comment
rocio Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Eww...get a new bed. Yes! Being honest about the prostitute thing was fine, but he should not have told you about it being in his bed, and still expect you to sleep there. Get him to fork out another $350 and buy a new mattress! Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 oh, I missed the "in the same bed" thing YIKES!!!! On the positive side, at least this man is honest (probably to a fault!!!) It sounds like he trusts you enough to tell you the truth, even things that you may not want to hear, so that is a positive thing, in a way. Link to comment
jsx730 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 So you are suppose to buy a new bed everytime you change sexual partners? I don't see how sleeping with a prostitute in your own bed differs from sleeping with a past girlfriend in your bed. I mean...with this reasoning, I better not break up with my girlfriend, or else I'm gonna need a whole new set of furniture! Link to comment
head_heart Posted January 23, 2007 Author Share Posted January 23, 2007 he has never done that since that time...he used to date all kinds of girls, including a stripper, who was his law school classmate ....it just makes me look down on him, even though he is quiet faithful to me, especially when our relationship wasn't going well, he would rather do-it-himself instead of getting another woman... Yes, it's the prostitute thing..sex with girlfriend is different..you know emotions and feeling and mutual respect are involved......but with a prostitute...yuck...now i keep thinking what they did in our bed...ewww..help... Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 hm. the stripper WAS a law student. she doesn't sound all bad. law school is $$$$ and I think she was trying to get a head start on paying down her student loans. how old is the bed? it may be time to get a new mattress anyway. the prosititute thing would bother me too, knowing which bed it happened in. I would rather just assume it happened in a hotel room. Link to comment
JulieW Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 In my opinion, it's not an issue of trust. This is an issue of morality. What is your stance on someone who would do that? Is sex just sex and love is love? Link to comment
scarew Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Its just one of those things that will have to get better over time. You can't change the past, and you know how faithful he is to you now. My partner now was born and raised in our small city here. He has slept with ALOT of girls here and it took me a long time to get over the fact that he had so many one night stands. You just have to look at it as the past. Especially 5 years ago, man if I was held accountable for anything I did 5 years ago in my current relationship I would be in trouble! Tell him what your going through emotionally, and that you might be weird about it for a little while but you dont want to hold his past against him. You probably just need time and space. Good luck Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 In my opinion, it's not an issue of trust. This is an issue of morality. What is your stance on someone who would do that? Is sex just sex and love is love? good point..... if you two broke up and he was going through another "drought," would he visit a prostitiute again? Link to comment
cantexplain Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 The only thing skankier than paying for sex is lying in order to get it or to cover it up in a committed partnership. About the cost - it may not be for service but qualitative things like looks and 'ho' class. What if he said it was $50 and it happened in your bed. Ewww. Ewww. I think it happened before you two were together and he was also not in some other committed relationship. It could be very worse. As painful as it is to hear his story, I think you should not encourage him to keep quiet about anything. We don't want to give our partners the Okay to keep things from us. Yes, it should not matter what happened before, so long as these things don't point to a pattern for the future. I don't know that a single man being with a prostitute is much different than a single man playing the singles scene for sex only. Its certainly no more unsafe. Its just lazier. It is far easier for women to get loveless sex easily and for "free" than it is for men - especially honest men. He probably needed to tell you - and that he did tell you in an environment of cooperation is good. Some could have blurted it out in an argument to hurt you. Most would have lied to stay safe. These we should worry about much more. Not with a prostitute, but in a one night stand probably much the same - I experienced loveless sex. Once was enough to realize what a waste of time and energy and reputation this is for me. And someday I will likely have to talk about it in whatever level of detail a future quality and committed partner like you wishes. Ugh. I'd say send a message to him and yourself and get a new bed, even change bedrooms. Do this not in a spiteful, punishing way - just a respectful and as mutual as possible way. Tell him you need this to feel uniquely special in bed with him whom you adore. If you don't project anger on him for this thing that happened before your marriage and which he told you about when asked - then I bet he'll continue along this same path of cooperation with you. I'd try to get a sense for how much he himself needed to get beyond this event in order to be in your marriage. If he is embarrassed genuinely about the shallowness of paying for sex (not the only shallow way to get sex as a single man) - I'd be grateful for his opportunity to reveal this and move on to his next level of intimacy with you. I am certain many husbands would not have shared such a previous experience with their wives. You could be lucky here, depending on what is in his heart - not his past. If he was highly sexually active as a single guy and you went through a "drought" he then might be prone to getting out there with other women, period. Either way, previous promiscuity of any kind could point to later dangers. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I think as a valentine's day present this year to each other, you should buy a new bed together. good points, cantexplain! Link to comment
Dateagain Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 That would just really, really bug me. I mean, I KNOW men pay for sex and all, but eeeew. Link to comment
head_heart Posted January 23, 2007 Author Share Posted January 23, 2007 probably not...I think somehow I've influenced him a lot and in a positive way...Yeah..I agree that's a morality thing..some times I wish I have done some stupid things so it would be easier for me to forgive people..I have been really strict with myself, due to the way my parents raised me...maybe it's time to throw away those stupid moral values... Link to comment
rocio Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 maybe it's time to throw away those stupid moral values... Yes! Yes! I agree. Oh, I wish we lived in the same city so I could take you out and turn you into a bad girl. It's sooooo much fun! Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Maybe I just don't have any of those hang ups. I AM a moral person. I don't hurt people, say mean things, judge people based on what I consider trivial things etc. -but sex - I just don't have very many hang ups when it comes to sex. I mean, I don't have sex outside relationships because most people are too insecure to handle it or separate the difference between the physical and emotional. And because most consider it cheating and cheating in ANY capacity is immoral to me, I wouldn't do it. I don't cheat on taxes or card games either. But my husband having had sex before me? Hmmmm..... I guess I just can't find the place in me that it bothers. And we have sheets so I know I'm not sleeping on any weird previous lover's bodily fluids or anything. Must be just me because I see a lot of the responses have been "ewwww" - but I really don't get it. Even the prostitute thing or the paying for it thing doesn't really bother me, but I don't view sex as immoral. Nor do I view paying for sex immoral. Unnecessary maybe considering there are plenty who give it away, but immoral? HOW? Link to comment
sophie274 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Personally, I would not date someone who had paid for sex. For you, however, I agree with the other posters - you should figure out whether it "offends" you because of the same bed, because you hate hearing about previous partners, or because it was with a prostitute. If it's just an "ick" thing and you will get over it, then you should try to put it out of your mind. If you think it is a sign of a value difference and that you can't RESPECT him now that you know this, then you probably shouldn't stay with him. Link to comment
Clementine orange Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 A man meets a girl in the bar, he buys her multiple expensive drinks, after the bar closes they both go to an all night diner, he buys her food. Later they take a taxi back to his house, he pays. They have sex. In the morning he buys her taxi back to her house. They never see each other again. Both parties are fine with this. How is this different from prositution? Link to comment
rocio Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I love cheating in card games. With my friends and family we have an understanding that, if you're smart enough not to get caught, then you deserve to get away with it. Link to comment
rocio Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 A man meets a girl in the bar, he buys her multiple expensive drinks, after the bar closes they both go to an all night diner, he buys her food. Later they take a taxi back to his house, he pays. They have sex. In the morning he buys her taxi back to her house. They never see each other again. Both parties are fine with this. How is this different from prositution? Because the woman wanted to have sex with him for reasons other than financial compensation. After receiving the drinks and the cab ride, she could have just as easily walked away. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 A man meets a girl in the bar, he buys her multiple expensive drinks, after the bar closes they both go to an all night diner, he buys her food. Later they take a taxi back to his house, he pays. They have sex. In the morning he buys her taxi back to her house. They never see each other again. Both parties are fine with this. How is this different from prositution? yeah, I was thinking something along those lines...... Link to comment
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