Update on my Situation

[GoingForIt_77]

Thank you for pouring salt in my wounds. If I'm angry Jenny, then you're bitter.

 

I can do without your critizing, so bowing out of my thread would do me well. I need support and not someone putting me down.

 

Good luck to you too.

 

Dan

[BeStrongBeHappy]

hey, a radical thought... why don't you box her stuff up, and UPS it too her, and send her a request she do the same... if even a simple meeting to exchange your stuff is turning into this big deal and upsetting you so much, maybe it is better to just take care of it quickly and without drama (on either part), and continue your own healing?

 

it just seems to be heaping such misery on you, maybe it is better to just resolve it quickly without have to have grand negotiations just about trading stuff...

[GoingForIt_77]

You know, as much as I want to do that, I won't. I am not creating any drama. Sure, I am venting on here, but in the real world, I am sucking up the pain and being strong and am putting my faith in her that she will see that I am doing the right thing and am not losing my cool and am not reacting. I am trying to demonstrate patience, continued kindness and remorse.

 

I am letting her lead this. She wrote me on Wednesday morning that she would like to do it on Friday night, but would completely understand if I couldn't. Guess what, I couldn't and I suggested an althernative plan, which would actually avoid her from having to come to my place, where all our memories are.

 

You know, the shear absense of a reply (36 hours now) is so bizarre. I have NO idea why she is not replying. I mean, this time around, I am being pleasant and am not pointing out fault to her in her emails to me. I am being pleasant and kind in my responses. She has nothing to hold against my actions since she left me. I am respecting her still and will continue to.

 

I am leaving it in her ball court. She wants her stuff. I put out a date. I asked her to reply. She hasn't. Could be she is keeping me wait to get a reaction from me. That reaction will not come.

 

Goodnight,

 

Dan

[sadk]

I know that I can count on you for your continued support and seeing things through a "realistic" point of view.

 

Anyone else who's been following my story could offer me some more advice. Those who actually believe in what I've been doing has been kind and respectful and may think that it may have made a difference to my ex and THAT'S why she was comfortable enough in making contact, even if it was for this reason?

 

As for her BEST friend contacting me 3 TIMES today, I doubt that's coincidence, seeing we were NEVER friends, or even spoke and my EX emailed me as well today.

 

Anyone else care to share.

 

Thanks!

 

Dan

 

I've been following it, and I've been in a similar situation. (Seeing your situation has actually helped me because I can see that I still do some things that I shouldn't be doing.) I think your best position for YOU is to assume that anything and everything she says or does has no deeper meaning.

 

There are two possibilities. It's over permanently or she's going to have second thoughts at some point. If it's over permanently, you're going to take much longer to move on if you try to analyze all her moves. If there is a chance for you two, you won't be ruining it by assuming no deeper meaning.

 

I did what you are doing. I read meaning into everything. It took me over a year to get it. She said she didn't want the relationship anymore. If she changes her mind, she knows that I'm respecting her choice, and she knows the responsibility of letting me know she's changed her mind lies with her. She has to be explicit. If I've told her I love her, and she told me she doesn't want that and that she doesn't love me, she can't expect me to be open to the kinds of cues I'd be open to with someone I have no history with.

 

What I did was said, yes, we can still be friends, and if she ever needs anything, she well knows she can come to me. And when she does come to me, I'm there for her. So, it's clear, I'm not playing games when I don't drop everything when she calls for a chat. Sometimes I'm just busy. There's no underlying resentment involved. I did this because (like you) I hurt her and I wanted to feel better about myself, so I decided that I was going to be there for her if she needed me. Too late, perhaps, but better than nothing. And I do this with zero expectations. I also believed at the time that we'd one day get back together, and I figured I wanted to start being the kind of person who deserved her love regardless of whether I ever got it again. The "to hell with her" approach didn't work for me because I do love her. When I told myself I would stop caring, I was lying to myself. Doing things that way also had the side benefit that I then knew I could maintain limited contact and never make her feel like I abandoned the friendship as a reaction to her not giving me everything else I wanted. So, now, if she were to ever start doing sweet little things as a way of hinting that maybe we could get closer, I wouldn't respond like I might with some other woman. It was her choice, I respect that choice, and it's up to her to be explicit if she were to ever want things to change.

 

I suggest you back away. Maintain no contact or limited contact or whatever it is you need to stop eventually thinking about you and her getting back together. It's hard, but it's for the best. The ball is in her court if she wants things to go back to what they were. Plus, it's only been a couple of weeks, right? I know it seems like a long time, but it's not. Even if you hope something might happen, I'd plan my life around at least a year apart if I were you. I'm now glad my ex started dating other guys. If I'm the one for her, that's a good way to find out. Hunker down and just try to see that something good is going to come from this time if you want it to.

 

Good luck.

[sadk]

I am not entitled to be upset Jenny? Last time I checked I was human.

 

Resentment is normal. Don't let anyone get you down for feeling resentful. It's what you do with that resentment. If you blame, judge, control, desire something you can't have, you're heading for trouble.

 

Try to put this out of your mind for a while.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think sadk is really right and giving you some good advice... the terrible thing about breakups is that one person can be thinking and hoping and trying to interpret the action of the other partner who left, when that other partner who left is really spending very little time thinking about their ex at all because they have already mentally separated long before the breakup, and are moving on with their lives. when a relationship is deteriorating, the two people are almost never on exactly the same page emotionally, one person is always further along on the uncoupling path than the other, and that person is the one who initiates the breakup as a rule...

 

so it is probably better for YOU to not try to read anything to such limited contact with her, or to try to guess what she is thinking, especially if she really has moved on, then you are just harming yourself by being so invested emotionally in someone who has moved on...

 

and if she wants to come back or re establish a friendship, she knows where you are and can contact you. so i wouldn't read too much into the 36 hours without responding, maybe she is busy, or has other things she's been doing the last couple days... when they've broken up with someone, they just don't put responding to contact with their ex on the same high priority (quick response) as they did when they were a couple... it is not uncommon for friends or acquaintances to go 36 hours or even days before replying back to email if they're busy or have other plans they're trying to schedule around..

[GoingForIt_77]

Guys, I am left scratching my head. I don't know why? I don't understand.

 

When I asked her where she was at 5 days after the breakup and what she needed, she said a little bit of space. 7 days pass whereby I did nothing and wasn't going to and she initiates contact via email this Monday night, asking if she could pass by on Saturday afternoon to drop off my stuff and pick up hers. I replied Wednesday morning, letting her know that I was tied up this weekend. She replied within the hour, asking me about Friday night and if not, she would completely understand and we would make arrangements for another day/night and SO, I replied right away, suggesting next Tuesday night after work, saying that we can meet somewhere to do it. I wait. I wait. I wait. Nothing. 24 hours later, I re-send her the same email, giving her the benefit of the doubt and asking her at this point if she can let me know by email if Tuesday is okay with her and if so, I'll get in touch with her before that date to set a time and place. I wait. I wait. I wait. 56 hours later since my first response to her last one, I've received NO confirmation from her. No indication as to whether or not Tuesday is good and SHE is the one who wanted her things back and who made a point to email me about it on Monday.

 

It is now Friday night and I am left scratching my head.

 

If I do NOT hear from her by Sunday night, I go in to her work next week, one night after I finish my shift. I go in with HER stuff and drop it off.

 

I then wait. If she doesn't contact me to thank me, or to even talk to me about my stuff, I wait it out a few more weeks and ask her if I can get MY stuff.

 

That's what I will do.

[wintersolstice]

I just read your first post... It depends on the stuff. Are the things valueable or things she needs ie if she's talking about an old tshirt I would say it's a cover, if its something like books she needs for school than I would say she was being honest.

 

Also it sounds like the friend wants to get with you and has nothing to do with your gf... I don't know what kind of a friend would do that...

[bubbles07]

Hey goingforit, sorry to hear about what you are going through. I think that you should just act like the way she is acting, she acting like she doesn't care and thats what you have to do to. I think you should not go to her workplace to drop the stuff off because thats kind of invading her personal space and thats not what you want to do right now. Especially at a workplace, its inapporpirate, it'll just create a scence. If you want to save some chance of getting back with her I would just recommend leaving her stuff where it is, if she wants it bad enough she'll try harder to get it. In the meantime just stop answering her dumb emails and just leave her alone. Her stuff can't be that valuable to her if she is not responding to her email right? Forget her man, look after yourself right now, if she wants her stuff, let her make more of an effort. As for the friend, I wouldn't talk to her either, it could be a way just to keep tabs on you or if your ex has a question or is curious about what your up to, she can just communicate to you through the friend. Stay strong and look after yourself. Look what she has done to you just by not answering your email, its just going to keep on happening if you keep responding to her.

[GoingForIt_77]

The only way I will respond again, is if she follows up on my email repky to her, confirming to me that Tuesday is okay and if not, coming up with another date. She has no other reason, or as it currently stands, is not looking for another reason to contact me and SO, I make not act that happy to hear from her, seeing it's taken her so long to reply to a request SHE made, but I will be civil at this point and nothing more. I have been respecting her to the TEE.

 

As for what I have of hers. Some personal stuff and other stuff she may not want to part ways with. She'll have to make that decision for herself. She seemed to want it on Monday, hence her email. She seemed to want it on Wednesday, hence her reply (only reply), but since then, she seems to be flip flopping again. Could be she is being guided (persuaded by others to leave it alone). It all comes down to her. As it stands, I've done all I can do at the moment to be accomodating.

 

If a few weeks pass by and I don't hear from her, I will ask her what she wants me to do with her stuff. As it stands, she has not made any effort at all. Her only efforts have been made in moving on and erasing me from her life in the process. She broke NC because clearly her stuff were important enough for her to have done so, but why then ignore a CLEAR and DEFINED DATE whereby we can make the exchange. It just doesn't add up. She seems confused and is going back and forth.

 

It's perhaps that I'm doing everything that she didn't expect me to do and that in itself is throwing her off.

[GoingForIt_77]

No way am I mailing anything to her. Too many stuff and it will just cost more than I want to spend on her right now. I'm not that happy with how she has played things out as of late. She wants her stuff, then let her be mature and confirm a date with me, seeing I'm ONLY being pleasant, accomodating and respectful in my replies. That's the bare minimum she can do concerning this situation. I am not creating drama. She is by not replying to her OWN request.

[GoingForIt_77]

Ellie, I am actually looking at this through a much more mature and logical eye than I did 2+ weeks ago. I am actually working on myself, at bettering myself. I realized that many of my actions when with her were wrong and I am working at correcting them.

 

She is not creating an inbalance in my peaceful state, or what I am trying to achieve with myself. I realize that NO one can take that away from you.

 

I am not leaving it with a friend. We have no mutual friends.

 

I will reiterate this: I am DAMN proud of my actions since she broke up with me. Let her be proud with how she has been moving on and meeting new people and having fun. That is GREAT for her and I am happy that she is doing well, as I stated in my reply to her. She didn't wish me the same back in return and that is also fine. I do KNOW that my actions and behavior are a WHOLE lot more mature then her own right now. I am doing (ACTIONS) and being (ACTIONS), what she didn't think I was capable of and HENCE her having had to leave me.

 

I do believe that my reactions to her THREW her off BIG TIME and that to me is the only explanation as to why I have gotten NO response. She may not want to believe that it was the real thing and so she may be testing me even more to see if I will REACT to her LACK of response to HER initial request. I will NOT.

 

Nothing about this post-breakup is dramatic. I see the error of my ways. I am not proud of what I did when with her, but I am proud of how I am handling it since and how I am COMPLETELY respecting her to a point that she NEVER believed I would or could.

 

This is actually more interesting than it is stressful. Something has to give and it won't be me.

[GoingForIt_77]

Bubbles, I just read something you wrote me a few days ago, about how hard it is for the dumpee to let it sink in that there really is no chance.

 

You see, I don't share that philosophy. I am realistic now that the odds ARE stacked against me and her recent behavior is not something that is quite endearing, even after all I did to her.

 

I DO however agree with your latest post to me from yesterday, as to the fact that IF she wants her stuff back and has the decency to consider that she also has my stuff as well, that she will return my email reply. The reply that was response to HER request, which SHE broke NC to make, YET, is NOW ignoring me after I have put out a solid date for us to meet so that we can make the exchange.

 

She must have someone influencing her in her life. Perhaps more than one person, but seeing I'm no longer there, she can't be alone for long.

 

This is starting to get selfish and disrespectful both on a basic common courteousy level and as well on an emotional level, seeing SHE sent ME an email for a SPECIFIC reason, after having requested space a week earlier, YET, she's not even following up on her request.

 

It's officially now 3 days since I replied, asking her NICELY and RESPECTFULLY if she can let me know if Tuesday is okay with her. She's not even acting like my TIME means anything.

 

I don't want to react and prove to her that SHE can get the best of me and justify to herself that she was right in having left me, which so far, I have NOT reinforced, however, I also don't want to be played for a fool here either. Quite the conflict.

[chocolady]

 

So, I didn't reply yesterday night, nor have I replied today. I may reply tomorrow, or the day after and in regards to upsetting her. Well, the truth is, I am doing what's right for MEEEE now and if I feel pressured into replying, or formulating the right response, then I will take MY time in responding to her. Her life has NOT stopped since she left me.

 

Ever thought that she might feel exactly the same?

[GoingForIt_77]

There is a difference here. She is the one that initiated contact so that SHE could get HER things back. She replied to my reply to her immediately on Wednesday (within the hour) and when I replied to her reply, suggesting an alternate date for next week, asking her to confirm, she never did and that's 3days ago now.

[ImThatGirl]

If I do NOT hear from her by Sunday night, I go in to her work next week, one night after I finish my shift. I go in with HER stuff and drop it off.

 

I then wait. If she doesn't contact me to thank me, or to even talk to me about my stuff, I wait it out a few more weeks and ask her if I can get MY stuff.

 

That's what I will do.

 

DO NOT GO INTO HER WORK AGAIN.

 

(Supporting you - this is a very bad idea.)

[ImThatGirl]

No way am I mailing anything to her. Too many stuff and it will just cost more than I want to spend on her right now. I'm not that happy with how she has played things out as of late. She wants her stuff, then let her be mature and confirm a date with me, seeing I'm ONLY being pleasant, accomodating and respectful in my replies. That's the bare minimum she can do concerning this situation. I am not creating drama. She is by not replying to her OWN request.

 

 

Be real with yourself, Man.

 

Mail the stuff.

Drop the stuff off at her place.

Call her dad and ask him to meet you so he can get it.

 

Just let it go smoothly.

 

Panic? Are you panicked that this could be the very last time you see her?

 

Controlling the situation isn't going to look good on you. Why Tuesday? Why not one of the days she suggested? Why do you get to pick rather than her?

[GoingForIt_77]

Why not do it on her days? Well for starters, Friday night at 10:00pm I had plans and wasn't going to be home for her to drop off my stuff and pick up hers (I live in an appartment building) and nor am I going to be here Saturday afternoon and besides, I would much rather prefer we meet in a neutral and public place, rather than coming up here to my appartment. That would be WAY too hard to have her here. My entire appartment reminds me of her as it stands and to have her come here just to pick up her stuff and walk out, after all the memories we shared here would be too hard (at least for me).

 

As for mailing it to her? NO. There is TOO much and I'm not going to do that, nor am I on talking terms with her Dad??

 

I AM being real with myself I'm That Girl.

 

As for dropping it off at her work? Why not? It shows that I care more about following up on something that was important to her. It's not to go and talk to her. It's too drop it off and show her that I took her and TAKE her seriously.

 

I didn't say I was going to do that for sure. Besides, me having passed by her work 2 weeks ago is FAR different than if I were to drop off her stuff next week. It's a sweet gesture and shows that I'm more mature, than ignoring a subject that SHE had initiated.

 

Anyhow, it's now 3 days and NO, she never followed up on her request, nor did she even have the decency to say that she can't, or didn't want to do the exchange on Tuesday night, or even suggest an alternate day/night. I said I was busy this weekend (not everyone).

[chocolady]

There is a difference here. She is the one that initiated contact so that SHE could get HER things back. She replied to my reply to her immediately on Wednesday (within the hour) and when I replied to her reply, suggesting an alternate date for next week, asking her to confirm, she never did and that's 3days ago now.

 

I think that it's thrown you for a loop that she didn't jump to your offer and has left you hanging. She's practically telling you by her actions that you don't have any control over her anymore and she is doing things from now on her way, whether you like it or not and that is something you have no choice but to accept.

 

And you never did answer the question... What will you do if she DOES confirm, comes around and takes her stuff back and walks out of your life forever?

What then? What will you do? Accept it, let go and move on? Because I'm beginning to wonder, I really am.

[GoingForIt_77]

Chocolady, first off, don't wonder too hard, okay? Thanks.

 

Second, what if she walks out of my life forever? WOW are you SO FINAL.

 

How will I know how I will feel FOREVER???

 

I am taking it day by day. I am wondering if that is okay with you?

 

Some people on here love to tear me apart. You should finish off you emails to me from now on by adding: "GIRL POWER", because that's stamped all over your emails to me.

 

IF you would have read her LAST email to me, which was written on Wednesday, she wrote that she would prefer to do it this Friday (yesterday), but if not she COMPLETELY understands and we'll make other arrangements.

 

THAT is what is throwing me off, because she was open to althernate plans. I did NOT tell her it HAS to be on Tuesday. I asked her in my reply if Tuesday was okay with her.

 

3 days later I am still waiting to find out if it is.

[GoingForIt_77]

Hey Chocolady, while I know that you will continue to berate me, I still think it's worth attempting to have you "consider" that MAYBE just MAYBE I've been throwing my ex for a loop since she left me, seeing that ALL I've been doing is respecting her and being kind, apologetic, remorseful and understanding and furthermore, me having had plans this weekend has NOTHING to do with controlling HER. It's the truth. Can you accept that, because maybe she can't and maybe that's what her actions are telling me.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Please don't go to her work to drop anything off... remember what happened last time you 'stopped by' her work unannounced? she was very upset and her boss had to ask you to leave. nobody needs another scene like that.

 

People who show up at someone's place of business unannounced and uninvited are seen as stalkers when the relationship is over and the people are barely on speaking terms. If you do this it will NOT show your respect for her, it will just show that you are determined to do things the way you want to, and are pushing yourself back into her world uninvited. It doesn't matter what your excuse for showing up at her work is, because there is no excuse for going to her work unless she invites you there.

 

Just put her stuff in the back of a closet somewhere, and if she wants it enough, she will eventually email about it. If you don't hear from her in a month, then UPS it to her address, or her parents place, with a request she do the same with your stuff.

 

And if she does email back, take the first time she offers, and do the exchange, and if its at a time you can't make, have one of your friends do the exchange. it's pretty clear that this is going to degenerate into a potentially disrespectful exchange if more tension over this builds up, so better to just get it over with quickly, and forget about it and move on with your life...

 

at this point, it isn't about who's 'in charge' or has one up in the relationship, because the relationship is over... haggling back and forth over dates and places to exchange her stuff won't make her want to come back... she may have already given up on getting the stuff, if she proposed several times and you kept turning her down... she may feel you are just trying to jerk her around over getting the stuff, another control game, so why bother...

 

i'm sorry, but everything you are writing points to the fact that this relationship is over, where a simple exchange of stuff has been elevated to a really big deal where you two can't even civilly schedule a time together to exchange things... so it is best to quit putting all your emotional energies into thinking about this and her, and continue with your own healing so you can find someone else who does want to be with you.

[GoingForIt_77]

We can't "civilly" make plans? EXCUSE ME?? I've been MORE than civil with her. Don't forget to include KIND and as accomodating as possible. I am NOT the one ignoring her email.

 

I am NOT stalking her for crying out loud! I have been respecting her since day one.

 

I am NOT looking for an excuse to go to her work. I was merely considering it, because it's the easiest way to get her back her stuff without a "haggle".

 

PLEASE stop telling me to get on with my life. That to ME is CONTROLLING. I love how people on here think they have the right to tell you WHAT to do with your life and then tell you that it is painfully obvious that she's NEVER coming back, as if you know her. As if you were HER.

 

I had an ex who I broke up with 2 years ago who replied to one of my friendly emails last weekend and has been open to me since then, where as 2 years ago she NEVER wanted to be. She is happy today and I am happy for her.

 

Everything with people is so FINAL. Feelings CHANGE. Nothing in life is as PERMANENT as you put it.

 

You know, after having read all of your comments, I feel that I will contact her concerning our stuff this Sunday night. I will ask her straight up, what we are doing? If she has not answer, then she is telling me that she no longer wants her stuff and so I dispose of them. Simple as that.

[GoingForIt_77]

Now you're telling me to find someone else who "does" want to be with me. I'd respectfully appreciate if you no longer IMPOSE your advice on me anymore. Thank you.

[ImThatGirl]

Okay. Whew.

 

As I've said before, I'm supportive of you.

 

But - you really are blowing this all up, Man. Maybe this is not really consuming your life but it seems as though it is.

 

Remember at the beginning of all of this. You kept saying, "If she doesn't hear from me," "if she doesn't see me," I'm afraid she'll forget me and what we had.

 

Other notes:

 

1) You made her wait for an email response. Why shouldn't she make you wait?

 

2) There's no reason to call her and threaten to throw her stuff out.

 

3) The internet communication is efficient.

 

4) She cried last time you came into her work. If you truly cared about her as you claim, you would NOT go into her work no matter what! It doesn't matter if you "think" it's different than the last time. It is not.

 

And I am going to ask you this as friendly as possible - - - > when was the last time you seen your counselor?