OMG, I think I've been had! ENA, Help!

[sfindependent]

Alright, ever since I've been broken up with my ex, I've gotten my life together, gotten my confidence back, and started dating people.

 

So, what i've done so far, is that i've maintained low key, have been clear with the people who I date that I can't be with them in a committed relationship, becuase I'm still feeling a little of the ebb and flow of my past, and I have a crap load of other responsibilities as well, school, band, family, friends and most importantly, myself that I don't want to date people seriously. I also have been spending time with an ex ex girlfriend from my past whom I really care for, who's life I've been a big part of and really am attracted to.We've been dating her on and off recently (she said I could date other people) to see how we are with each other and live independently without being needy. things have been really great but nothing serious. so I've made it clear that i dont want anything serious with anyone.

 

Then I met her, lets call her Girl A.

 

Girl A is very nice. She's very sweet, thoughtful, career minded, already has a house, no kids, no mental problems, loves to be lovey dovey and all that. I even joked around with her that she is one of the very few normal people I've met. Nothing like any girl from my past. Anyway, so we hang out, and have sex and all that and its been great. Although she is quite the attractive woman, i'm not as sexually attracted to her as I should be.

 

anyway, we hangout tonight at a gay club (we're both straight), and at first it was all good. we were having fun and all that when suddenly, she got upset. started crying and getting upset with me. I asked why and she said that despite the fact that we talked about not being BF/GF (which she actually mentioned a week prior) that she was starting to have feelings for me. She was getting frustrated because on my part, I didnt care as much if she went out and dated other people (which I was clear about being ok, as long as I dont know about it). there was a little bit more to that, but it all comes down to me not caring what she did if she ever did decided to see other people or who she hung out with. Which, she started breaking down again, she revealed to me she did the night before last night. That she went on a date. she was saying that while she was on that date, she was thinking of me and how much more fun it would be if it were me she was hanging out with instead of her date.

 

but here's the kicker: for part of the time we've been together, we've been having sex. unprotected sex. i know, desease and all that. she clearly told me that she is under the pill, that she has birth control. so we've been a little less careful of our actions. however, she told me tonight that she hasn't been under the pill for about two weeks now and we've been having unprotected sex all this time!

 

I'm in disbelief and do not know how to feel, act or say! I didnt freak out, didnt make a scene and even hung out with her still and stayed the night over. Part of it is because i'm in disbelief, and part of it becuase I don't know what to actually do!

 

 

What would you do, and how would you feel? Do i dump her? Do i continue on?

[RayKay]

Honestly, she sounds very emotionally unstable; if she wanted to be serious with you there are better ways to do it then start crying in the club, especially as you JUST started dating and its not like you have been leading her on for months!

 

And well, honestly, yes, I would certainly NOT call you callous for dumping her after you found out she has been LYING to you about not being on birth control. Granted, you should of been using protection anyway, but she still lied about it, making it even riskier.

 

 

I cannot tell you what to do; but I will say there are a lot of red flags here you need to pay attention too, rather than be blinded about what you "expected" based on your initial impressions.

[rnorth]

I would be more concerned about her not using birth control (regardless of the protection issue) and deceiving you in this way than her revealing that she has these feelings for you in the way that she did.

 

You ultimately have easier choices to make where her feelings are concerned. If the "P" word becomes a reality, thats a much bigger deal. To me, her actions are manipulative and extortive. I don't know what is going on inside of her, but I agree with RayKay that her stability can be called into question...

[Honey Pumpkin]

but here's the kicker: for part of the time we've been together, we've been having sex. unprotected sex. i know, desease and all that. she clearly told me that she is under the pill, that she has birth control. so we've been a little less careful of our actions. however, she told me tonight that she hasn't been under the pill for about two weeks now and we've been having unprotected sex all this time!

 

Hmmm. Did she say WHY she hasn't been taking the pill for the last two weeks? That sounds really odd to me, to be honest. Was she trying to get pregnant, or was it a way of frightening you last night? It's not rational, to be honest.

 

Personally, I could not see a guy, sleep with him, and both of us agree to not be exclusive. But you were upfront about how you felt, and so was she. I guess emotions have a nasty habit of catching up with you, but still...I think you WERE clear with her, so it sounds like you've been got different levels of attachment.

 

My advice? Sort out the birth control/pregnancy issues, and then agree not to see each other, because it just sounds (at best) like you're in different places right now, and not good for each other for a casual relationship. And you have been clear that this is all it's going to be, right? So although normally I don't like the line 'this is for your own good', to be honest, in this case I do think you have to break it off with her for her own good.

 

Good luck with this - her not taking the pill is a huge red flag to me, irresponsible and strange. Try to deal with it firmly but tactfully, and sort out your priorities (make sure she's not preganant), and your sexual health. Then I would back right away from this girl as soon as possible.

 

Good luck!

[Maverick32x]

I agree with everything raykay said, and I'm going to add that you need to find out if she is pregnant or anything like that.... because... that could make this situation a bit sticky...... ...

 

Also, ya, there are alot of red flags here... your first impression was someone who is 'normal' and now you're starting to realize that it might not be the case......

 

I would make your expectation a bit clearer to her, because right now it sounds like you are leaving her in limbo which you may think is giving her "freedom" however, in reality: she is interested in you, and no matter who shes with, she will (if she told you the truth that is) be interested in you.

 

That being said, it sounds like you are just trying to keep your options open, which is fine, but you might want to be a bit more honest with her.

 

Also, I assume some people aren't going to be happy being with someone who wants to keep things low-key..... and than you need to be careful if for the sake of being with you, she will say that she is ok with it.. even though deep down inside shes not...

[sfindependent]

thanks for the quick reply folks.

 

she hasn't been taking the pill becuase she will be going into surgery (breast augmentation) so she had to stop taking it...

 

strange, she seemed so together, until she started feeling things. Normally I would've felt easier. I mean there are times when I would actually want to be with her and all that, but this is the first time ive been single and im enjoying dating and meeting people without the hassle of being committed to someone

 

so NC would be a good idea?

[dogheadma]

First thing you should do is discuss the possibilites of her being pregnant and what you will do about it. You will have to make your intentions of not wanting it clear and discuss the possible options of seeing that it doesn't happen.

 

Then just stop talking to her and hope for the best. I've been in situations like this where the condom broke and I know it's really scary. Luckily for me, I never became a father and I'm hoping it will turn out the same for you.

 

The main thing I learned from my experience when I was in your situation and what's really important to take away from this in my opinion is that this is the precise reason to never have sex with someone that you aren't seriously committed to. If you can take only that knowledge away from this experience, you will have gained something worthwhile.

 

I'm hoping everything turns out for the best for you and please don't have anything further to do with this person. You are completely justified in doing so. Good luck and I'll be hoping for the best for you.

[fnlyfrei]

If you did not want to be in a committed relationship...and you are seeing more than one girl...and possibly sleeping with more than one girl...wear a condom !!!! Why do people think pregnancy is the worst thing that can happen? And as for her stability...I guess she is stupid to sleep with you and get attached when she knows full well you are playing the feild. We women are silly like that. Have you considered not sleeping with ANYONE until you have gotten over whatever you have to get over? That would cut the confusion completely. And perhaps no one will fall in love with you and allow their heart to be broken. Less of a chance if you keep it in your pants.

[BrokenHeart82]

Until you are in a committed relationship, and there is agreed upon monogamy you shouldnt even think about taking the bareback rough ride!

 

That said, she sounds like she bit off more then you could chew. You thought that by being honest you had nothing to worry about. However, she probably wanted something with you and believed that through time she could change your status.

 

Shes probably been having these feelings for you for awhile but sitting on them until she couldnt wait anymore..thus the emotional outbursts. Repressed emotions + Alcohol= Basic Instinct-esque freak out.

 

As for the no BCP...you need to play the waiting game a bit and then get her tested!

[sfindependent]

i know i know, i shouldnt have done that. Alcohol was involved so... yeah.I know better but we've all done stupid things when we're intoxicated. SO what would be a proper way of breaking it up with her? I mean, I do like her and all that, but not enough for me to start a family. I just feel betrayed, but I couldnt even get mad! im not sure why. I guess im still in shock.

[hosswhispra]

i know i know, i shouldnt have done that. Alcohol was involved so... yeah.I know better but we've all done stupid things when we're intoxicated.

 

Most of the human population is here because of alcohol

 

But yeah, on a serious note, don't be so cavalier about your heath! Do get checked out.........

[sfindependent]

oh yeah, i will definitely get checked out. it was all good too, I was having fun, I was kinda starting to dig her and starting to open up to her in and all that. In fact I was dancing with her that same night and I kinda looked at her and was actually happy. So when she said "i'm starting to get attached to you" it felt kind of good.

 

argh, what a waste. now i'm a little weirded out, to be honest.

[finewhine]

Bogswagen - one thing to keep in mind is that birth control, even AFTER you've stopped taking it, intereferes with a woman's ability to get pregnant. If this girl has been on it a number of years (like most women our age have), it will probably take her months to return to normal fertility.

 

Take heart, she's probably not pregnant. That said, eeeew! There's something ultra-gross about having condom-free sex with someone you're not in an exclusive relationship with, at least from a woman's perspective. She sounds like a nutter.

[sfindependent]

^I know i know... and it will NEVER happen again... yeesh.that was a big mistake...

[afonselaca]

I think she should have told you straight up that she had to stop taking them and why. It is her responsibility to make sure you know things changed. I don't like how she mislead you at all. Not good.

[ImThatGirl]

i know i know, i shouldnt have done that. Alcohol was involved so... yeah.I know better but we've all done stupid things when we're intoxicated. SO what would be a proper way of breaking it up with her? I mean, I do like her and all that, but not enough for me to start a family. I just feel betrayed, but I couldnt even get mad! im not sure why. I guess im still in shock.

 

Do we know for a fact that she intended on getting pregnant?

 

Secondly - Are you planning on telling her you want to end the relationship all together because she got pregnant?

 

I just want to say that.......

 

No - it wasn't right of her to not take her pill and not tell you.

 

Yes - it's appalling if she was trying to "trap" you.

 

However, if you were truly interested in her, why cut all ties immediately? Why don't you take some time to take this in? I'm sure you're in shock! I'm sure this was completely unexpected. But you two did take that chance and if there is going to be a baby, wouldn't it be worth attempting to work on the relationship rather than resenting her for something you both could have prevented?

[ImThatGirl]

SO what would be a proper way of breaking it up with her?

 

If you choose to end the relationship, be honest with her and tell her that due to you feeling completely betrayed and trapped you do not see a future with her.

 

I'm telling you tho Bogs.... you're going to be attached to her for 18 years + if she is pregnant and has your baby. So if you were truly fond of her, why not try to work through the "betrayal" and see if you two can create a loving home for the baby?

[rosie76]

Pregnancy really isn't the worst of it - if you don't know who this woman is, to the extent of getting the surprise you got in that club, how could you possibly think you know what sort of sexual history she might have? It's not just AIDS or Herpes or things you'll eventualy know about - some shockingly high percentage of people are infected with silent STDs such as Clamydia, which you as a man likely won't know you have but which can make your future partner, who may well want children, infertile. Sorry for the lack of sympathy on the emotional side, which I can understand would be tricky, but in saying you think you've been had when you've knowingly done something so irresponsible it seems to me your priorities are dangerously out of whack.

 

On how to break it off - I disagree with everyone who says just to cut her out and be done with it. You know this woman is attached to you and will be hurt by your ending the relationship, particularly if she feels it was because she broke down. If you want to end it because of what happened that night, that's your right, but do it honestly. You really can't be self-righteous for being had when the situation you found yourself in could have been just as easily avoided if you'd taken responsibility for your own sexual choices. She was undoubtedly drunk as well, if you didn't stop to think about the serious public and private health risks, what's to say she was thinking a lot about stopping the pill. If you're breaking it off, be kind and be more careful the next time.

[cantexplain]

Ugh.

 

OP,

 

Don't sweat what you don't know. In all liklihood she is not pregnant and no one is diseased - at least not this time.

 

My questions/concerns for you:

 

Blame it on alcohol so you don't have to consider the personality dimension?

 

Affirm your freedom to sleep around and then not use a condom?

 

Wonder about a woman who either lies that she uses birth control or chooses not to use it with an uncommitted type? Or even start to fall for one who would choose to be intimate with an uncommitted type - I mean are you two people showing the right signs as being in a good place for a long-term relationship?

 

I'd be doing a reality check on how cool you two really are. All this sounds really like an intersection of wrecklessness, adolescence, and personality. Please step back and consider what has happened to you and to her, here.

[rosie76]

All this sounds really like an intersection of wrecklessness, adolescence, and personality. Please step back and consider what has happened to you and to her, here.

 

Really well put, cantexplain - though he's 27!

[sfindependent]

I know, I should have thought about this more,cantexplain, I agree, I should have acted my age.

 

I'm hoping she isnt pregant, as anyone would be hoping for in a time like this.

 

I was actually having a good time with her, before that very minute she said something. I would look in her eyes and kind of be like "yeah, this seems right", and what not. But i wasnt fully into it yet, because I was trying to keep an emotional distance and just want to have fun with my signle blessedness. THat was one thing she was complaining about, was how distant I was to her and not caring.

 

I'm trying not to worry about it so much, you know? I mean, if she is, she is, then we will talk about how and what we're going to do. right now, I want to focus on what I can do for myself, that is.

 

another thing is that, since we're just dating I am having difficulty in establishing things like: I'll call you tomorrow, then she would in turn say, well, i wont be going to bed early tonight,so just call me tonight". I have other plans and really dont feel like talking to her. but then she would say things like we're just dating...

 

Things might sound a little bit more extreme online than how it truly is, so when you read my posts, it might seem a little bit more complex and deeper, but its not, I'm just trying not to make it where our relationship isn't as serious just yet, if ever i do decide to for go it.

 

it might be a little hard yes, to break up with her just because of that, but i am starting to feel weird about, it. I like her, but i just want to slow it down.

 

If it wasnt for the whole issue of her not taking the pill and the whole "i'm getting attached to you" speal, i wouldn't feel like this.

 

does anybody understand what i'm going through and is this normal?

[cantexplain]

Well, it sounds like you two are already attached, yet you yourself are afraid to be in any kind of committed relationship.

 

Your questions/concerns about the phone conversations sounds like typical dating dance. You need to be big enough to just say "I don't want to talk tonight because ... but how about tomorrow or the next afternoon? "

 

My guess is she might be using this pregnancy possibility as a way of punishing you - driving home her own pain and frustration that this guy she wants doesn't really seem to want her long-term.

 

I am a bit old-fashioned so you should only listen to me as a voice that tends toward expressed commitment, real fidelity, and the type of love which wants the other's good, first.

 

My impression is that what is going on here has been physically dangerous - say to an unwanted child -and also very dangerous relating to your hearts. I say you went too fast.

 

Whenever I contemplate casual relationships (I've only had one 1 night stand in my whole life and only have slept with people I wanted to be in a long-term relationship with) so for me it really is just contemplation here - it seems prudent to only sleep casually with people that I could never be or never want to be in a relationship with - like too old or too young for me - things like that.

 

I've heard many women say that this doesn't happen to men - but I disagree: Most men I know do get attached more deeply after sex. There is also an additional measure of intimacy in unprotected sex which may deepen this effect. Don't confuse this feeling of attachment with real love.

 

I have not heard much of anything from you that sounds like real love. It sound like you are more into what your worries and wants are - nothing in these posts mentioning much real concern for her.

 

I hope for you that you are not that narcissistic.

 

Uncommitted types don't flirt with the possibility of a real connection like you keep doing. They are much more clear on their independence and their relational style in this regard. And the best among them, I would also hope, do not involve themselves with the hearts of people who express they have different relational styles.

 

To be more adult I think there should have been more clear communication upfront.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh. If you don't like how all this is going down, then maybe you are not all the maverick you thought you were. Maybe you should reconsider getting to know someone a bit more deeply, with some real friendship and respect before you toss in the passion.

 

We also typically want what we can't have. She knows you aren't wiling to be in a "relationship" with you. She is clearly not listening to the reality of this, but wanting you anyway.

 

When she feels she is in a more secure situation with you, she may start to see more clearly. I'm not sure what she will see.

 

I think that where you guys are at right now, you would have to do a lot of talking and exchanging of feelings and questions to regain the trust necessary for a real relationship.

 

You should be very worried if you were a part of an unwanted pregnancy. This worry will help prevent this from happening again, I hope.

[sfindependent]

cantexplain,

 

Wanting something for yourself, in this case, a relationship; and not agreeing completely with what someone else feels and reciprocating it is not, in any case, narcissistic. I do not believe I am "all that" and what not. It does not necessarily mean that just because I am worried about whether or not she's pregnant, having an attachment already, or whatnot,and do not return the same feelings; that I am incapable of feeling anything for her.

 

If i really didn't feel anything for her, i would've left, threw a hissy fit about how things sort of went, and stormed out of the bar, restaurant, and out of her life. I liked her, if i thought that if there wasn't any chance in heck that we can have something more than a "dating" relationship, i would've left when I could. But I didn't. Its not because I feel pity for her either, nor because of some "narcissistic" reason, I liked her and up till that night, I didn't have any feelings of uneasiness, and hesitance. Can you blame me, or anyone for that matter, if they felt the same way if they had the very same predicament placed on their laps? I was clear with what I wanted. i explained to her I have been hurt before, and that I wasn't ready to place an emotional investment on anyone before, coming from how hurt I have been in the past and how unready I am to be in a committed relationship. Although I was also clear that I wanted to hang out with her. She said so herself she felt the same, we were on the same page and that we agreed on it. True, if there might have been a possibility that I would've felt something more for her, if given the time and chance, I would've felt it sooner or later, if not already. I wasn't given that chance to fully experience it because of, as someone nicely put it here, the red flag that raised up. I wouldn't have minded it if she only said that she had an attachment to me already, it made me think twice about how I'm going to approach her, this relationship and myself. But when she dropped the bomb of having no BC, that completely threw me in for a loop, and has made a lasting impression on me.

 

If she wasn't pregnant, that still leaves me the decision of whether or not we should continue seeing each other. I do like her, do care for her (as anyone would once you start getting to know that person, but don't love her). I still have strong, VERY strong feelings for the ex that recently dumped me and would not be smart to jump into a relationship if I still walk around with a proverbial monkey on my shoulders. However, who here does not walk around with at least a scar from someone we truly fell in love with? But i digress...

 

is that narcissistic of me? Is there something wrong with actually wanting something for yourself? I have been in relationships before, and have committed big, BIG mistakes. I havent been single in so long, and decided that the next relationship I have, I would make sure i'm ready for it. I did not want to commit the same mistakes I've done before and have placed a "space" in front of me and have been trying to remain emotionally unattached to protect myself. ISn't that a smarter way of doing things when you're not ready to fully commit to someone?

 

I wanted to go out with her, because she was fun, smart and hot. isn't that why we go out with people in the first place? I step back and maintain a distance because I don't want to get hurt again, isn't that what most people do? I've gotten weird feelings because of what happened when she told me she hasn't had BC and not tell me for two weeks, wouldn't anyone feel like that as well?

 

If I'm so wrong, someone tell me. I am very open to suggestions. I thank you for the responses that EVERYONE has given me.

[cantexplain]

Quote: "Things might sound a little bit more extreme online than how it truly is, so when you read my posts, it might seem a little bit more complex and deeper, but its not"

 

yes - e-mail can have that effect.

 

alls I was saying is watch these things as you go forward with this and other relationships.

 

I am no expert, believe me - my heart is so broken and I am so single - well here I am on enotalone, ya' know!

 

i do think that if you put her needs first, if you really love her, and if she is a decent person -- all you'd ever want from her would flow naturally back to you.

 

you've now come forth saying you are afraid of being hurt - this may be why you are spinning around with this woman like a magnet in a field of reverse polarity.

[cantexplain]

bogswagen, another thing I thought of which may add perspective to some of your feelings.

 

We humans have a real need for what psychologists call consistency.

 

If we say to ourselves (or others) that we are such and such a way, then it is very difficult to concede that maybe we are not.

 

So if you've said you just want to date around (fearing rejection, perhaps? you doing the rejection first by not even looking for commitment) - but now have found someone you find to be a keeper -- you've put yourself in a situation of internal conflict relating to your own need for consistency.

 

Resolving this internal conflict is an opportunity to become your next self - whatever you choose that to be.