OMG, I think I've been had! ENA, Help!

[ImThatGirl]

Bogswagen.... Just want to throw in my two cents..

 

I think what you are feeling is completely normal. And to be completely clear, I don't think the emotions you are going through are anywhere close to "abnormal" or "narc."

 

You were taking things semi-slow but mixed passion in early. You made it clear you weren't ready to settle down. She claimed to accept that. And apparently either didn't accept that or for some other reason decided to not take her birth control.

 

Should you have been more careful? Of course.

Should you be upset with yourself? Of course.

 

But at this point, all you can do is wait to find out and move on from there. Accept your mistake - don't beat yourself up constantly - and you will make it through this...

[sfindependent]

thanks people.

 

I spoke with her yesterday, and she asked why i didnt call the night before.. I said I was busy, and she she said "this is what I was talking about that you just don't care" should I have cared about it more that I didnt call her? I don't know. it wasn't like I didn't say "I'll talk to you tomorrow" to which she replied "I won't be going to bed early, call me tonight". Anyhoo, I asked her when she would find out, she replied, maybe tomorrow when I have time to check it, you know, I might wake up late for work and won't have time to take it". For someone who is supposed to be freaking out about her own pregnancy... u know what i mean? so we when we were on the phone, she was like "its like you just don't care, or you keep doing what you keep doing" and I just kinda went like "yeaaaah.."

[ImThatGirl]

Bogswagen - - Now is the time to Stop being avoidant of conflict.

 

My boyfriend does that. He just had a baby by an ex that he dated for 3 weeks. (He is kinda running in circles right now because he's um.. not too good at communication. I get to hear the complaining..)

 

When she says "it's like you just don't care or you keep doing what you keep doing," say "name, this is who I am. I am having a bit of an issue dealing with the fact that you may be pregnant and stopped taking your birth control without telling me."

 

Point Blank: Tell her what you think and how you feel. Do yourself and her a favor - Keep the communication open and don't avoid expressing your thoughts, opinions, and feelings on this.

 

 

Another point. When I was pregnant with both of my children, I took the pregnancy tests in the evening. The tests advise the "best" time to take the test is in the morning. Why don't you buy a test and take it to her requesting she take it right then and there? Tell her you just can't wait until the morning or the chance of her waking up again late.

[rosie76]

Exactly. I'mThatGirl has given you some top notch advice there. You've come on here with lots of feelings and opinions about what's going on between you - why wouldn't you tell ANY of them to her?

 

>I just kinda went like "yeaaaah.."

 

What?! Sure, she's being immature acting like a pregnancy scare is a springboard for a discussion about the state of your relationship, but this sort of response in this situation is not helpful at all, to you or to her. Step up to the plate and deal with this like an adult already!

[RayKay]

Well, just a comment on her comments to why she might not have time to take test - as for waking up and not having time to take it.....she has to pee I am sure when she wakes up ANYWAY so it makes no difference to pee on a stick, and results will be ready by time she is done brushing her teeth.

 

And I totally agree with ThatGirl; don't be passive about this..because she is definitely being passive-aggressive with you. I agree with her suggested statement.

Sounds like avoidance to me, and I agree, odd for someone whom is "worried" about it....

[cantexplain]

Some rhetorical considerations -

 

the OP has stated that he just wanted to date around, that he was afraid of rejection, that this girl might be the one, she seemed of very high quality, his own feelings began to change that fun night on the dance floor when the more devoted type feelings were being felt, that she is stating she did not take the pill during their unprotected sex, and OP is now worried sick. I'd be very worried, too.

 

My guess she is not pregant - used the pill story to attract the guy, make him feel safe having sex with her; now using the pill story to hold on to the guy who isn't following through to another more devoted level. Or grievously worse, really did stop the pill to create this crazy situation.

 

Women should not tell a man they are on the pill and then forget to take it for two weeks.

 

Dang I can't wait for that man pill!

 

As for me I do recognize that she is really into him. I worry about this relationship and its start. There appears to be dishonesty about birth control. This, to me, is a very bad sign for our ENA friend here.

 

Now having written out/recalled the above things - here is my rhetorical:

 

( ) - If she is pregnant, does he commit to trying to make this relationship work because he has strong feelings for her and she for him plus a baby may be forthcoming?

 

( ) - If she isn't pregant, does he commit to trying to make this same relationship work?

 

( ) Why should it matter?

 

( ) And what does matter?

 

Knowing answers to these questions before the results of the test might be helpful for the next emotional step for our ENA friend relating to this person who has sparked his interest so greatly. Otherwise his decisions will be clouded with emotions connected to unwanted pregancy, or the possibility thereof, and the dishonesty connected with these chain of events.

[Belle]

bogs,

 

The girl is emotional, but I wouldn't say from your original post that she was unstable. I think that you were both negotiating with reality when you think that you can sleep together, hang out all of the time and have something super casual. Women don't really do that well. Some women pretend they can do it, but they don't. And honestly, not that many men can either. If you have casual sex, you can't really keep going back without getting attached.

 

The problem is that she's realizing she's getting attached and she's upset. You talking about dumping her is pretty insensitive. You sound like a jerk. Yes, she screwe4d up by stopping the pill without telling you. But the both of you are screwing up together in my opinion.

 

My advice is to stop thinking you can do casual and get off scot free. There will most often be collateral damage.

[sfindependent]

thank you so much for your responses, i look forward to other people's opinions as to how my love life is currently going.

 

whoopie!

 

she's not pregnant.

 

she took the test yesterday morning and reported to me that she wasnt pregnant.

 

anyway, I wasnt being avoidant, last thing I want is to ignore anyone's feelings, I admit, i was like that when I was young. I would avoid the inevitable, and what not that may present in front of me. However, I was trying to actually find the right time, the right place and the right words to say before I drop anything on her. I may be upset, but I want to maintain dignity for her and for me. Besides, what more can I do except wait right?

 

Anyway, I spoke with her and clarified that it I can give nothing more than what I am already giving. She replied by saying, "its not like I'm in love with you or anything like that, I just want you to care and not be indifferent"....oooook... so i thought, "well fair enough". I maybe indifferent, but I am certainly not a JackA**.

 

I told her i am not yet ready to have a relationship and she said she felt the same way too. the conversation ended up with us clarifiying whatever it is that needed to be clarified. So far she hasnt called me yet.

[cantexplain]

great news!

 

& nah, your good, and better for all this, too.

 

I know we are all glad for both of you she's not pregnant.

 

This relationship started a bit rocky. Maybe someday in the distant future you two can start anew from different personal vantages.

 

Personally -I want to hear something very specific about what the other person presently wants from the friendship very early on and quite well before sex. I think you did this for her, and both of you started to rethink this. You two may have been able to navigate through these changes/feelings - but for me, the not taking the pill thing would have freaked me out. It would have eaten at me not just because of the possible pregnancy and even an unwanted child, but because of the lack of respect for me and my future - just the wrecklessness of it all.

[ImThatGirl]

Congratulations, Bogswagen! I am very RELIEVED for you!!!!!

[rosie76]

Yes, it is good news. Having dodged a bullet, now be SURE not to let yourself get stuck in that situation again!

[ImThatGirl]

She replied by saying, "its not like I'm in love with you or anything like that, I just want you to care and not be indifferent"....oooook... so i thought, "well fair enough". I maybe indifferent, but I am certainly not a JackA**.

 

Just want to say - - - -

 

Be careful with this girl. I'm not too sure that she's being honest when she says she's not in love with you or that she doesn't want to be in a relationship.

 

FWB and possibility of getting more serious is difficult. (I wouldn't partake.. but to each their own.) Anysay - it can be black and white but her comment "just want you to care" tells me there's a lot more grey to it in her eyes. If she accepted it for what it is, she wouldn't be hurting and crying because you don't show you care.

[breeze33]

Despite how much you still like her, she is at a different level of the relationship despite her denials. In such a short amount of time, too many red flags have come up, especially the part where she told you she was on birth control and later confessed she wasn't and then the drama afterwards. That is dishonest. Leave her alone now, for both your sakes. It's clear she wants more than what you can give her. Check this off as a learning experience that sleeping around can get complicated.

 

So, you have this "big monkey" of your last relationship on your shoulders? Even though you have made it clear that you are dating a lot of people and want to have fun, it looks like you are after one thing and that is not good. Unfortunately, most women, like myself, develop emotional attachments when we become intimate with someone.

 

Maybe if you still have this "monkey on your back", then perhaps take time to work on yourself, to do what interests you that doesn't involve sleeping around. When enough time passes, you may be ready for an involvement. You can date, get to know people and make friendships but perhaps you should cut down on jumping in bed with them since it can lead to toying with people's feelings and the risk of pregnancy and STDs.

[sfindependent]

I have been working on myself, going to school, making new friends, trying to fit in my internship, starting up a band... etc etc.. but sometimes i feel its not enough to get this monkey off my back!

 

as for the proverbial monkey, i'm still dealing with it, i admit, and I think i will carry this burden with me for quite a while.. argh...

[cantexplain]

I have been working on myself, going to school, making new friends, trying to fit in my internship, starting up a band... etc etc.. but sometimes i feel its not enough to get this monkey off my back!

 

as for the proverbial monkey, i'm still dealing with it, i admit, and I think i will carry this burden with me for quite a while.. argh...

 

if it didn't take time and work it would not really get off your back I'm thinking

 

sorry it happened to both of you

 

you're good

[sfindependent]

thanks cantexplain.

 

Its just really tough times, I mean, I just want to be happy u know? i think everyone does.

 

sad to think that I cant get this feeling that I wont be as happy with anyone else other than my last ex.

 

don't jump into conclusions that I "need" to find my self, assert my independence and all that. all that i've been doing. But as I said, I love my ex dearly. I've shown my heart and more to her before, and every day since the break up, against all this so called "self blame" and me glorifying her, I have thought to myself, I wasnt the man who I thought I was for her. I wasnt there for her when she needed me. i wasnt there as much as i thought I was. I was, but in the wrong places. I've been really making myself better.

 

I think i will write in another thread to vent. ho hum.

[cantexplain]

Yes everyone wants to be happy.

 

Most everyone wants sex and love.

 

Many, but not all, want sex with love.

 

And most of these want it with just one person.

 

I'm guessing the same thing happened to you that happened to me when I broke up with my first love. She wanted to settle down and there was this nagging idea of wondering what it might be like to be with other women. So I broke off with her, broke the heck out of her heart, and within a month another very sexy and fun woman moved right into my house. Talk about settling down! Because I was going from a serious relationship to a mode of non-committal, I failed to make a marriage commitment to the second one - who eventually sabotaged the relationship through infidelity.

 

I also note that the second one paled in comparison to the first relating to my idea of a life partner.

 

I learned alot from this experience. It certainly reinforced that I have never since BEEN ABLE to date casually. There has got to be some sense of a mutual commitment to making emotional and other things work for me to be sexual.

 

So how good of a man would I have been for my first love if I hadn't learned this lesson? I did the right thing by breaking off with her before cheating on and doing other things to the family we would have certainly created.

 

My dad was a very promiscuous man and I witnessed as a child how much pain this causes. Neither I nor any of my brothers imaged his behavior to any degree. I have never cheated or been involved with a person cheating. Never. And only once have I ended a relationship thinking the grass is greener on the other side. I forgive myself because I recognize that I need to learn that one often does not know what he has until it is gone.

 

Looking back on my life I do believe I would have been much happier and more successful if I stayed with the first person. Have I had better sex? You bet! Does it matter now? No way. Have I felt love? Yes! Have I felt more love? Can't say that I have, yet. For all I know if we stayed together we could have worked on and developed a dynamite sexual thing. And if not, who cares? Also along the way I learned that I could love someone who wasn't that great in bed - it doesn't matter when it is real love.

 

My thinking is that I had to experience these things to become the partner potential I am today. What I need to fix is my ability to attract (or maybe my own attraction to) people who are really horrible at committed relationships. I just don't see the signs when they are everywhere.

 

Lately I have been thinking that in order to love my dad I had to see through this part of him. Now I am vulnerable in this way. We are all works in progress.

 

I wish I could help. You're traveling now.

[sfindependent]

I've had a few girlfriends, but none as great as the last one. I'm hoping i'm not glorifying her with her being gone.

 

I've seriously been doing thinking and actually changing my ways, hence the emotional distance i'd like to maintain for a while.

 

You have been helpful, cantexplain. I thank you very much!

[cantexplain]

Yeah, I realized recently that I have been growing and changing in MAJOR ways - probably not a good place to be if looking for a serious partner.

[sfindependent]

see this is the thing.

 

I'm dating. getting phone numbers like crazy. No problem there.

 

One of em, is a girl i've had another serious relationship with. We've actually been talking.. I mean TALKING out our problems. we have been clear about what we want, who were are, and none of the young, reckless love that after a while, you wouldn't know which end is up. Last night, we talked about how different we've become, how we reacted when we were arguing the other night, where hurtful words werent thrown out.

 

She's gorgeous, my friends say she was prettier than my last girlfriend and a killer body to boot.

 

But I can't go serious with her. I can't just yet. I'm not ready and we both know that.

 

on top of that, I can't seem to take the guilt, and the want, to make things better with the last girl I was with (the most recent one). As i said before, I was a good boyfriend, but i wasn't a good friend. I want to be a good friend to her, but I know, in whole honestly, that i would just become smitten again with her. I've been waiting for the time i'd be over her, but i havent yet.

 

I've been on NC for the longest time (4months) and havent seen her in an even longer time...

 

I wonder when I can come up with the jewels to talk to her and say hi?

[cantexplain]

I wonder when I can come up with the jewels to talk to her and say hi?

 

I'm guessing you left this one, right?

 

Are you ready to be serious?

 

When you broke up was her heart broken?

 

Think about her feelings if you tried to get back together .. broke No Contact. If she is the serious type, you should also be feeling pretty serious.

 

From what I hear you are still in the dating around mode. She may not be able to handle this and contacting her at this time willl only lead to failure or reinforcing what she has already learned about your romantic place, these days.

 

Then when you are serious she'll have two experiences of things not working out with you.

[sfindependent]

yeah, sometimes i dont think its the right time, but then other times, i would really just want to see what may happen out of impulse