Valentines day

[RussM54]

Hi all,

Before we all know it, Valentines day will be here. I'm sure most of you reading this are in the same boat as me. She broke up with me (i'm the dumpee) just after Christmas. I want to get some insight on this....I've been in NC, her too of course(she since day 1), would it be OK to sent a card? I mean an innocent one, not full of romantic, really heavy stuff, but a basic card, letting her know I still think of her. Would this be damaging? Would it be obsessing over her? I dont think roses are a good idea, as I think it may be too much and scare her away. Right now, I'm coming along in NC pretty good, and I dont think for me it would be a setback...Just wondering how she may feel about it.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

So sorry to read about your breakup. But since she broke up with you, have not heard from her in a month, I would vote no, don't send her anything.

 

Hang in there.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I agree.. whatever you do, dont send her anything! Besides, she broke up with you and hasnt contacted you why would you want to send her a card? Besides the fact you want acknowledgment from her and want some kind of contact?

[DN]

I agree. No point in sending a card - it would just be misinterpreted.

[NeverMore]

Keep in mind that while the life and death of St Valentine deserves some celebration, the stores have made this holiday into another comercial farce to further line their pockets.

 

I am in a relationship (for a year and 1/2 now) and we don't even celebrate it.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I was reading your other threads and the disappearing act she did around Christmas was pretty lame. She said she needed her space, you already sent her two letters and two cards with no response to any of them. I more so vote no, on sending her a Valentine's Day Card. I am so sorry things have been tough.

[ruby19]

Hey Russ, my opinion as a girl is if it wasn't a horrible breakup and I did care about you I'd find a card sweet but kind of sad. If it was bad or I had dumped you for a new guy I would find it creepy and irritating.

 

 

I was just thinking of this yesterday myself, what is a guy's point of view on getting a card from an ex?

[bigheart09]

Hey there,

 

I was reading your other threads and the disappearing act she did around Christmas was pretty lame. She said she needed her space, you already sent her two letters and two cards with no response to any of them. I more so vote no, on sending her a Valentine's Day Card. I am so sorry things have been tough.

 

I agree. You have already tried to contact her and she has ignored you. I think this would hinder your healing process.

[RussM54]

It wasnt a horrible breakup, I really dont know what happened. I thought we were made for eachother! To answer your question, If I got a card from her, I'd be elated, just knowing she was still thinking of me.

[blender]

Actually it might make her "think of you" if you do NOT SEND ANYTHING... it will show that you are in "acceptance" of her choice to break up, and that will give HER the emotionally responsibility of her own actions... sometimes doing "nothing" regarding the ex, especially on Valentine Day that is the MOST healing, powerful, attractive, thing to do... You will probably feel better if you do NOT send anything... take care of you, buy yourself a big box of chocolates, or even better send some to your Mom, or your sisters, or a friend, or a boss, just do something for someone who IS in your life...

 

Sorry you are still hurting over her, but you have done the right, and most healing thing by choosing to maintain "no contact'.. feel proud of yourself for this, it was the most respecting thing to do in regards towards your ex, and the most self respecting thing to do for yourself...keep it up..get on with your own life, one step at a time... who knows at some point your paths may cross again, and you will be glad you've maintained "no contact" during this "post break up healling time".. it is always the best thing to do, in case of "no reconciliation" or IF there is any 'hope for a future reconciliation"..

 

you are doing very well.. give yourself some credit, and remember that Valentine Day is for someone who CHOOSES and makes a loving intentional effort to be in your life..... however you will have to make the decision that "feels right" for you...

[GoingForIt_77]

I'm the only guy who disagrees here with the former 3 posters who replied to the OP.

 

While I do agree that you should sent nothing to her ON Valentine's day, which in reality, is still 3.5 weeks away.

 

I really don't understand why everyone here has the attitude that if you were dumped and if they do NOT contact you, for you to do NOTHING, forget about them and move on.

 

There are reasons why the DUMPER doesn't always call and for the most part, they NEVER do.

 

Okay, you've been good for almost a month now (NC) and I applaud you on that, meaning you got through New Years without breaking NC (my ex and I broke up on January 10). Now, the real test is to NOT do what she MAY be expecting you to do (call her up on Valentine's day). It looks like you were waiting for a REASON to contact her. You shouldn't act like you need a reason. If you feel that a significant amount of time has passed and you are stronger, than it's okay to contact her, but you have to be VERY careful. Ask NOTHING from her. Don't ask if you can be her friend. Don't ask if you guys can get together. Don't ask anything. Just give and remain aloof and independent.

 

Suggestions:

 

1. Send her an email with a link to something she may be interested in. For ex: an art exhibition coming to town, or a band she may be interested in. DON'T ask her to go with you. Just send it to her and include, "I came accross this and thought of you". THAT'S IT.

 

2. Send her an email, or call her IF there is something you know that is happening in her life that is important to her. Either wish her good luck, or let her know you were thinking about it and THAT'S it.

 

Give without asking anything at all and then go away for a few more days (MAX 2 weeks). This will get her thinking and this is what you want.

[blender]

there is still NO emotionally healthy self respecting reason to contact an ex who is NOT making a loving intentional effort to be in your life... none.. it's time to "let go" and "heal" your own heart... reaching out to an ex and "pretending" to just be okay asking "friendly" questions is not sincere, it can cause the dumpee so much heartache, a set back, and prolong the "acceptance" that the relationship for right now is over... when you are still "emotionally vulnerable" it's not a time to "play any games' or to "pretend".. or try to "manipulate" it's better to be in "acceptance" and try to take some time on your own to heal.... fully... and to get back your sense of self

[kellbell]

I suggested that he not send her anything based on her behavior around Christmas. It is important to go back and read previous threads to get a better grasp on the situation and advise accordingly.

 

I broke off a 4 year relationship mid-December 2005 and received flowers on Christmas eve from my ex and I was FAR from feeling elated. I was irritated, confused and angry. I just felt my decision was not being respected and felt manipulated in some way.

[GoingForIt_77]

An ex who is not making a loving effort? That's an oxy moron if I ever heard one.

 

Have a look at something this girl posted on here almost 2 years ago and see if this changed your mind at all:

 

"I broke up with my boyfriend 6 weeks ago (I am 27, he is 29, we dated for about 1.5 years). I broke up with him because I felt that he had become so selfish in our relationship. The last 2 months of our relationship were bad- it was a lot of fighting, a lot of him getting angry, a lot of unwillingness on his part to compromise. He became pretty cold towards me, and I felt like I was the only one even trying. I had been trying to talk about it for a while, but he never wanted to, and would refuse to discuss things. He started saying things like "this is how I am, take it or leave it." After a particularly bad fight, after he broke plans with me to go out with his friends, I had enough. I felt exhausted and drained. I ended things, gave him back his keys, and walked out of his house.

 

He was shocked at that. I honestly think he thought that I would put up with this crap forever. That night I think he left over 10 messages on my cell. I sat on my bed sobbing, but knowing that nothing he could say would change things. When we finally talked the next day, and he realized that I was serious about the break-up, he immediately started pressuring me. I told him that I needed some time and space to think about things, but I felt like ending things was the best thing for me. He didn't accept that, and started pressuring me to give things another chance. It made things so much worse.

 

The endless calls were awful. I felt that he was acting selfishly, once again. He wanted to talk, and I didn't, so he just kept calling and e-mailing. No respect for my wishes for some space. It was like his need to talk was more important than me saying that I needed some time.

 

When I would finally break down and pick up, or call him back, it usually followed the same pattern. It would start off nice, catching up. But sooner or later, even though he knew I didn't want to, he would bring up our relationship. It would start off with him apologizing for stuff he did wrong. But he could never leave it there. He would start saying stuff like 'but it wasn't just me.." or "you made mistakes too" and on and on.

 

The calls would always end badly. He wanted things from those conversations I was not able to give him, and it made him frustrated and upset. He wanted me to say that I would give things another chance. He wanted me to say that I was miserable without him. He was always upset when I needed or wanted to hang up. One of my friends finally said- look, you ended things with him because he always wanted things his way. He's being the same way now. You don't have to deal with it anymore." She was right, and I finally stopped answering or returning his calls. I mean, how could I miss him or regret that we had broken up when he was calling and e-mailing all the time, and everything was either upset or angry? When he finally stopped trying to contact me, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

 

He didn't contact me for 3 weeks. At first it was great. I felt like the weight of the world was off my shoulders. I went out with my girlfriends, was able to concentrate at work, just relaxed at home. But something happened for me in the 3rd week. I started thinking about him, and our relationship. Without all the negative stuff in my face all the time, I started thinking about the good stuff. The trips, the weekends spent together, going out for sushi, watching movies cuddled up on the couch, drinking a beer on his deck while he grilled dinner, and then eating under the stars, teaching my dog to catch a Frisbee, baby-sitting his nephew and doing rock- paper- scissors to see who had to change the diaper, and a million more great memories. I finally allowed myself to feel the sadness, and how much I would miss him, and what a great thing we had, till things got bad. There were a million times I wanted to call him, about good things that had happened, or for encouragement when I had a bad day.

 

But I didn't contact him. I truly felt (and still do feel) that I tried for a long time, and made a big effort, and now it was up to him. He hadn't gotten his way when he was constantly calling and demanding things from me, so I waited to see if anything would happen.

 

At the end of the third week of NC, he e-mailed me. I opened it up expecting another long e-mail about our relationship. But it was short. It was just a "hey, saw this story and thought you might like it"- it was an article about training labs (I have a black lab we both adore). I emailed back a quick, thanks, great article. Nothing more for a few days. Then he e-mailed me to tell me some good news about his sister (she is pregnant). I e-mailed back another quick note asking him to pass on my congratulations.

 

We slowly started talking more, over e-mail and on the phone. 90% of it was jut general stuff, but occasionally he would let me know that he was thinking about us, and had lots of ideas about how things could be better. But he kept things focused on himself, things he could do better. Without the pressure of him demanding things for me, or blaming me, I felt OK about adding my own thoughts about our relationship, and adding things that I could have done differently too. With each conversation, when we would be talking and laughing, it felt like old times, and I would hang up with a smile on my face.

 

 

He left on Saturday and will be out of town for 10 days – a camping/fishing trip with some college friends. Before he left, he wrote me a very nice email. It wasn't very long- he just let me know that he would be thinking of me, and that he has been giving our relationship a lot of thought, and has been reading a book about better communication, which he is bringing on the trip with him, even though he expects to get teased by his buddies. He asked if it was OK if he called me when he got back, and also suggested dinner at a restaurant I had mentioned months ago that I wanted to try. He also named a date (the Friday after he gets back) and said he had made reservations, just in case I did want to go.

 

I was so happy to get something like this, acknowledgement that he is thinking about things and working on things, and also addressing something that always bugged me (he always wanted everything to be "last minute", while I do like to make plans). But he didn't tell me "Look at me! I'm changed!", he just did it, and I appreciate it.

 

So we will be talking when he gets back, and going to dinner that week. For the first time in a long time I feel some optimism. Obviously I'm not going to jump back into things, but I do feel like we have a chance.

 

I understand your questioning about why I thought it was his job to contact me, when I was the one who ended things and was the one who finally stopped answering his calls. One of the reasons that I ended things is that he had become very selfish in the relationship an always wanted things his way. Many times after we broke up I asked him not to call so much, and not to place so many demands on me. I kept telling him that I wanted some space- to not talk multiple times a day, or even every day, and to try and talk about other stuff, and to keep things lighter, while we both sorted things out. I felt like if/when he could respect my wishes, he would contact me.

 

If he hadn't contacted me, I think that eventually I would have sent him a brief e-mail to see how he was doing, but I think it would have been weeks or months down the road.

 

As for forgiving him for all the calls & e-mails right after we broke up, I understand why he did that, and I have am not angry about it. I do, however, recognize that it is part of a pattern with him- another example of how he wants things his way and has a hard time respecting my wishes if they are different than his own. So that is something that needs to change, if we are going to work things out.

 

"after a month and a half of no contact I got over the reactive emotions of the breakup, and started to miss my ex in a genuine way."

 

This just rang so strong for me! The days and even weeks following a relationship ending are NOT how things will end up! That first wave of emotions- both parties just need to ride them out. When I first ended things with my bf- I felt relief. He felt panic. His constant calling & e-mailing only made me feel more relieved when we finally went to NC. In the beginning, right after we broke up, the more days that ticked away, he felt more panicked, which led to more irrational behavior.

 

It was only after we had those weeks of no contact that the initial "post-breakup" feelings subsided. My relief changed into sadness and missing him and regret that we were apart. His panic changed into a more calm and loving desire to put things right.

 

Getting back together has been challenging, but also amazing. We have had our ups and downs since I wrote this original post, but we are back together, and I have to say, stronger than ever. We are both working at things. When I wrote that original post, I was very focused on what he had done wrong to make me end the relationship. The space he gave me, the patience he showed me, it just gave me room to think about things I could have done better too.

 

He says backing off was the hardest thing he ever had to do. But believe me, it was what gave us the chance to get back together."

[ebsmith1]

Listen to Blender he knows what he's talking about. And by the way GoingForIt, if you read the end of what you just posted she mentions that him giving her space was what she needed. I don't think you should send her a card.

[GoingForIt_77]

Flowers was just WAY too direct and of course you felt that way. A mere Merry Christmas (not as grand and overwhelming) would probably have gone a lot further with you. Sending you flowers was him looking for, or more so expecting a GRAND reaction from you. Wrong move.

[GoingForIt_77]

And it was that space that he finally gave her that ALLOWED her to miss him and remember the good, because he was RESPECTING her, but did you read the part where she said that she felt it was up to HIM to SHOW her and not TELL of his changes. A good part of her once she was over the hurt and anger was hoping he would do SOMETHING. That is the attitude of most dumpers. Most, not all.

[terk2021]

Russ,

 

Welcome to enotalone. That's a great question. Speaking from personal experience (I won't bore you with all of the details of my situation). I was set to marry my ex last July. The relationship fell apart, I had her move out of the house I bought her (thank goodness she was not going to be on the title until she shared my last name).

 

We tried to get back together twice. With me, respecting her requested breaks, until it all just seemed lost. I tried NC to no avail because my heart had way to much control over my head and I tried to analyze every way to get this woman back in my life and let her know I was thinking about her. In the mean time, all I was doing was pushing her further and further away.

 

Valentines day is a very special day that has different meaning at different stages of our life. When we are in a relationship, we show our love and feelings for the person we are with. When the relationship is over, we show that we want them to know that we are thinking about them.

 

It's easy to give advice not in your situation, but I would recommend against it. I would find the best singles valentines party and look forward in life. If this woman wants to be with you, let her make the move. I know it's hard, and I can honestly say that I would want to do the same if I were in your position.

 

Many of us are in this position. I think I am in a position where the wheels are starting to move forward in my life. It will be very hard not to think of her on Valentines day. Look at this time as an exciting opportunity to meet a new valentine.

 

I wish you the best my friend. I know it's hard when the heart has more power than the mind.

[blender]

Kindly to poster: "goingforit",

 

you've made my point for me, she broke up with him because he was NOT making a loving intentional effort to be in her life and make the relationship work on a mature, respectful level she so desired, instead he was just "arguing with her, and pressuring her"... that's NOT a loving intentional effort...that was his "ego" at the time. Big difference.

 

and HE was the one who caused the break up, even though she finally had the self respect to leave... it was really HE who was NOT making a loving intentional effort... but then eventually (because she FINALLY moved on) he then made a choice to "make a loving intentional effort".. by sending a nice, non pressuring, sweet email about something.. but that does NOT apply to this OP's situation at all.. his is completely different...

 

Our poster did NOT leave her, she was the one who wanted to end it.. AND he has "tried" before to make contact, and his ex has CLEARLY MADE NO INTENTIONALLY LOVING EFFORT to be in his life even then...

 

And yes, I still follow the self respecting thought that IF YOUR EX (the one who let the relationship end) is NOT MAKING A CLEAR LOVING INTENTIONAL EFFORT TO BE IN YOUR LIFE, then the most self respecting, healing thing for you to do is to maintain "no contact".

 

During this "no contact" your ex could at any time "discover" that they do want to make a loving intentional effort to contact you and ask for another chance.. and then they will do so...if not, then there is no self respecting healing reason for you to contact them...they know where to find you IF they "discover" that they want to "try again as a couple"... until then it's time to "let go" and heal your heart....

 

there is no mystery to our poster's ex that he was hurt, and still cared for her... so now it's time for him to take his still vulnerable heart, protect it, respect it, and try to move on and heal...

[GoingForIt_77]

No, her ex did not leave her. I'm not sure we're reading the same post. She was the "dumper". Not the dumpee. She walked out on him, as did my ex, for very similar reasons and HE (the dumpee) tried to convince her to change her mind and did not initially respect her space and she felt overwhelmed and eventually chose to ignore his controlling efforts. At first she was RELIEVED, but in time, something changed for her. She actually SAW that he was respecting her and that had more meaning than words ever could and her feeling of wanting to stay away from him forever diminished and she actually started missing him and hoped that HE would call her, seeing he was the one with the problem, NOT HER and when he did, in a very non-threatening manner (something she didn't even expect him to do), she replied immediately to him and it took off from there.

 

Point is: NOTHING is impossible and sometimes (most of the time), the dumper will NOT initiate contact. They think, if only he or she would change. If only. Guess what? If they do, then there is HOPE, unless of course the dumper has found someone else.

[GoingForIt_77]

By the way, I also caused the break up in my situation. I pushed her into doing it, even though it was the very last thing in the world I expected or wanted her to do.

[blender]

If the relationship is going to build on a solid foundation of respect and love, then the dumper IF they "discover" that they made a mistake, then they will initiate contact.. if they do not have the "courage" to do so out of "fear of rejection"...then they do NOT love enough, respect enough, or are willing to risk enough to win you back.. and that alone is a reason to maintain "no contact".

 

I really think that the story you told was one of my exact point.. the "girl" as you think she is the "dumper" was actually not the "dumper", her ex has "emotionally dumped her" way before she finally had the courage and self respect to leave him...

 

Because her ex was passively aggressively leaving the relationship while she was still in it..ignnoring her requests to work on it, etc... THEN SHE FINALLY physically got up and left him... that is when HE wanted her back... and went about it the wrong way at first, but then he made a "loving intentional effort" by 'waiting, giving her some space, and then sent a friendly non presurring email... that was HIS intentional effort...

 

She made a choice to "re-consider" and give him another chance in her life... but if you really read her story, she was the one who was hurt, and she was done with his passive aggressive nature DURING the relationship.. he was "still in it" but she felt that he was "not"... and really he wasn't.. so she did the right thing and physically left him, because she felt (and rightly so) he had already "dumped her emotionally" so she was NOT the dumper.. she just finally accepted that he wasn't going to committ to change, or work at it, so then SHE LEFT...

 

And so it was "right" for her to "wait" until HE made a clear intentional respectful effort to be in her life again....

 

But again, this story is very different than that of our original poster here...I'm just afraid it might give his vulnerable heart a confusing message.. for right now it might be best for him to maintain "no contact', until his heart can heal.. and he can feel better about himself, on his own.. first.

[onelittleladybug]

Goingforit:

 

Blenders point was that even if the girl ended the relationship, she did so because she was forced to by her exes behavior. And I pretty much agree with everything Blender has said here.

 

The OP was asking if he should send a valentines card. It sounds to me a little like you are projecting your own situation on the OP. If you want to give it some time and then show your ex that you have changed, then by all means do. You probably at least need to get it out of your system and maybe it will work for you. Just keep in mind that maybe it wont.

 

Its been 7 months since my breakup and Ive been coming to this board for a few months. I went through a phase when I felt exactly like you are feeling. It didnt work out for me. My ex had doubts, he wrote me a love letter, I thought we would get back together. We havent. Most of the people on this board are giving their advice based on their experience.

 

Its rare that a breakup isnt caused by 2 people. Maybe that girl was one of those few cases.

 

Russ - my advice is the same as most others: Dont send the card.

[GoingForIt_77]

Blender, why in the world would the dumper have to "prove" anything to the dumpee? For the dumper to be too scared to reach out is not a fair or accurate assessment of their feelings of devotion for the person they left.

 

In fact, it is 100% the dumpee who should prove to the dumper, not that they are worthy of love, or respect (which is earned of course), but that they can SHOW the dumper through their ACTIONS that they were wrong and miss them and again, this should for the most part not even be spoken, but demonstrated.

 

All this can only happen after time has elapsed however. Space for the first few weeks must be respected, which shows the dumper that the dumpee is respecting them and is respecting themselves as well and this in itself MAY lead to curiosity on the dumpers part, but not necessarily equate to them reaching out and it has nothing to do with pride. It has more to do with a valid fear of getting hurt again, not knowing if the dumpee has changed at all and so, the dumpee CAN appease the dumpers curiosity by re-introducing themselves and not as the person that was left, but as a new and improved person with more confidence and deeper appreciation for the dumper.

[Justin Kun]

Blender is right. When me and my ex broke up, I constantly wanted to talk to her, send her things, bought her presents, BIG MISTAKE! Eventually I just stopped caring, and did nothing for a while. She messaged me before my birthday, and broke and NC of months. Messaged me again before Christmas. But it seems like she had a major break down after we broke up as she is or was acting to be pretty insane. Either way, she was looking for attention. That girl can be the most arrogant girl ever, and for her to break NC just for attention from me...heh I'm sure there're alot more girls out there who do the same.