Girlfriend wants children.. I don't!!!

[Thekid415]

I told my current girlfriend prior to us getting together that I wanted no more children. I have a child from a past relationship. The relationship didn't work.. I've seen first hand the hurt and confusion it causes the children. So I vowed to myself that the chances of I being in another long term relationship and it lasting "forever", was pretty slim to none. So I chose to opt out of having another child.

 

She has 2 children from a past relationship. The guy is a dead beat. She's barely making it right now with her 2 kids. Why in gods name would she want another? She says "She will figure it out", but why would you want to get pregnant knowing you would have to "figure it out". I don't get it!!

 

I know all women are not like this, but to the ones who are. Why would you want another child and your barely making it now?

 

My next issue. She keeps comparing herself to my daughters mom(my ex), and its driving me insane!! She claims if my ex wanted another baby I would've gave her one.. "Oh no I wouldn't". But she firmly believes I would have.

 

My ex has went on with her life and is living happy as far as I know. My current girlfriend is so fixated on her, and its so annoying.

 

I don't know if I should leave or stay? I've known her for years and we have history, but this crap is driving me nuts

[avman]

Well if you are unhappy in your relationship and it doesn't look fixable, then why stay? Wanting children or not is a pretty fundamental difference. What's more concerning is your girlfriend's fixation on your ex. If your ex is not a part of your life but your girlfriend keeps focusing on her then she's got some pretty big trust and self-esteem issues.

[gfein347]

Hi and welcome to ENA!

 

Well, as far as your disagreement about having children, I think this is a pretty big issue in the relationship. No matter that her reasons don't make sense to you, it sounds unlikely that she'll change her mind.

 

With regards to her issues with you ex, I think you need to tell her that the past is over, and you've moved on. You're with your current girlfriend because you love her, and I think you should make that clear to her. Like avman said, she seems to have some trust issues.

[Thekid415]

I've known her for 10+ years. We've been together almost 1 year.. The problem is outside of those issues the relationship is GREAT!! We have a great sex life, we have fun together, great conversations, I love her kids and she's a great girl..

[gfein347]

I think the most important thing here is her insecurity and lack of trust. Although your relationship may be great outside of this, it can only go so far without complete trust. Have you told her that you have no feelings for your ex and that you love only her? Have you asked her why she doesn't trust you?

[Thekid415]

I think the most important thing here is her insecurity and lack of trust. Although your relationship may be great outside of this, it can only go so far without complete trust. Have you told her that you have no feelings for your ex and that you love only her? Have you asked her why she doesn't trust you?

 

She has wanted to be with me for years.. I was head over heels for my ex.. But things went sour.. So I guess she still feels that since that was my first love, that I still want to be with her..

 

We obvious are still have contact because of my daughter, but that's it..

 

I think she wants to be her.. She wants for me to do the things I did for my ex for her.. But its a process.. It took my ex years to get to where she was in my life!!

[gfein347]

But its a process.. It took my ex years to get to where she was in my life!!

 

If you decide to stay with your girlfriend, are you willing to give her the opportunity to get as close to you as your ex got? If so, I think you need to tell this to your girlfriend. Even though your relationship with your ex went sour, surely your current girlfriend must understand that being together for a longer time leads to a greater degree of intimacy.

[itsallgrand]

I'd be most concerned about your gf's selfishness. Sounds like a chorus of 'me me me' and insecurity.

 

Obviously for her, having another child is mainly for her own interests. Not yours, not the kids she already has.

 

Right, so she is a lovely person. Yet she is galaxies away from where you are at. That is a problem.

[Northalius]

If you can't speak to her directly without arguing, then write her a letter, or type it on the computer and print it. Have it detailing the reason(s) why you feel the way you do. Give it to her. Tell her it's just going to take time, hang in there, be patient, etc.

 

If nothing else works, then maybe it's time to see a counselor? Just for some face to face relationship advice. Especially if she keeps on with comparing herself to your ex? That's never going to be good between the two of you if it's not sorted out now.

 

So, again, I think a counselor would be your best bet if nothing else works right away.

[Thekid415]

If you decide to stay with your girlfriend, are you willing to give her the opportunity to get as close to you as your ex got? If so, I think you need to tell this to your girlfriend. Even though your relationship with your ex went sour, surely your current girlfriend must understand that being together for a longer time leads to a greater degree of intimacy.

 

I think she feels the years that we knew each other(10+) makes up for that.

[musicguy]

I had to dump a girl because she didn't want kids and I do. I would have been unhappy with her if I would have stayed with her knowing that I wouldn't have the future kids that I've wanted for a long time

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it sounds like a bit if desperation there... she might be trying to use another child (your child) as a way to cement you to her and 'one up' your ex because you ex had a child with you and your current girlfriend doesn't...

 

so i'd be cautious from the standpoint of what her true agenda is... is it really more children that she feels she must have, or a way of hooking you into marriage, commitment, or child support, depending on whether you stay together.

 

and if you really don't want another child, please be careful... this is usually the point where she might 'accidentally' get pregnant if you refuse to cooperate with her plans.

[HarleyHunny]

Sorry, man, but that girl sounds nuts! And if I were you I'd make sure to use condoms or even better, have a vasectomy. Wouldn't want any 'surprises' .

[heloladies21]

The issues you are concerned with are only symptoms of a more major problem. If it weren't for this issue of having kids, it would be something else.

 

So what's the real problem? It all has to do with your ability to stick up for yourself. I know you get into arguments about this stuff, but think about what's really happening here. She brings up some BS issue (which happens all the time in relationships until you get it to stop), you deny it as you should, then she questions your integrity as a man basically by calling you a liar. This is the point where the mistake is made. Either you back down, or things cool off without actually being settled. In any case, the issue goes unresolved and continues to fester while you haven't satisfactorily defended your integrity as a man.

 

When my gf pulls something like this, the conversation completely shifts from the issue she brought up. As soon as she makes some kind of statement which puts my honesty in question, I immediately address what she's done usually by saying "So you're calling me a liar?" If I were ever to receive a yes, then the relationship would be over. If I receive a no,the conversation is over as I've stated the truth and she can't argue with it.

 

It's not psychological game playing, it's digressing to the point where you can see what's really going on and then act accordingly.

[CanadianGirl]

I have a child whom I raise ALONE, never one cent of child support and to say that the guy is a deabeat is an understatement. I myself have concluded that I WILL NOT BEAR ANY MORE CHILDREN OF MY OWN....why? because it's hard work, it's more challenging than anything life can throw at me.

 

My daughter is turning 10 this year, and admittedly I had her when I turned 17, so maybe I see it as more of a struggle because I had to finish high school and then college with a child who made those struggles amplified. But, I don't regret her, please don't get me wrong...but I am definitely REALISTIC in my views on parenthood. It's a lifelong commitment and a very fragile thing....we are entrusted to help these little beings become upstanding or at least functionable citizens and I FIRMLY BELIEVE that there are many people who take this job LIGHTLY. There are many women who have children just to affirm their feelings towards a man, and end up single-parents such as myself.

 

Sure, I was young when I thought these same things (AN ADOLESCENT CHILD, I WAS COMMITTED FROM 13-19 TO A JERK, only to figure out that I couldn't change him or make him love me more just because there was a baby born from him).

 

My question is: how old is your gf? how old are her children? this may be the reason she is idolozing a new baby.

 

Also: it feels good being pregnant, it really does. Once the baby is born, it's quite the opposite, for me anyway. It's after the baby's first year that you actually start realizing what's going on. And I found out that it's only at around 5 years of age do you realize that this IS FOR LIFE...that there is no more YOU only YOU AND YOUR KID(S).

[Momene]

I'd say kids/no kids is a dealbreaker.

[JulieW]

I apologize thekid145 to start with, that I didn't read any of your post or any of the responses.

 

As soon as I saw that your girlfriend wants children and you don't, the answer is that you can't stay together.

 

Your lives will never be right if she isn't getting what she wants. Or if she does, then you don't.

 

Simple as that. As a parent already, you know that having a child is HUGE. Not something to take lightly

[Skippy]

i think it is about securityon her side. Maybe she thinks you are a good catch and that if you have kids with her you arent going to leave like you ex. (since you are a good guy).

Maybe it is a form of tightinh you down so she feels secure in the relationship and will not leave her.

It sounds to me that she might have has a couple of experiences like that and it has become a phonbia.

 

In the end, as momene said, Kid/no kids is a deal breaker and if you seriousy dont want kids and she want kids(for whatever reason) Maybe you should walk away and move on with both your lives.