Meeting Ex for the first time in a month

[hailtothevictors]

My original thread:

 

Recap of my situation: Together for 2.5 years, sophomores in college, were each other's first everything. Beginning of December she got drunk at a party, made out with another guy, told me immediately, apologized profusely. I was willing to try again, but she said she loved me as a friend more than a boyfriend, needed space to figure it out, wasn't sure if her feelings would ever return. Part of her was scared that I am the only guy she has ever dated and she got scared that I might be the only guy she will ever date.

 

For the first couple weeks we tried the friends thing, but it was too painful to me. I told her that I loved her too much and couldn't be friends with her for awhile. If she wanted to try again she should contact me.

 

I did NC for 11 days before sending her a simple birthday text to which she responded by saying thank you. Two days later she sent me a birthday text, to which I did not respond. Then about a week later she sent me a text asking if I watched American Idol that night because she saw someone that we knew. I texted back the next day saying I didn't watch, and she responded by telling me how the show was.

 

So, with the exception of the texts, I have not heard from her or seen her in 29 days. I am quite proud of myself for maintaining pretty much strict NC for this long - it has definitely not been easy.

 

We are both members of an eight-person executive board for a student organization at school. Our meetings are every Tuesday night, so I will see her this Tuesday - exactly one month since I have last seen her. I am looking forward to seeing her - I've never gone anywhere close to this long without seeing her beautiful brown eyes - but I'm really nervous as well. How should I handle the situation? Should I seem excited to see her or should I just act aloof like it's not a big deal?

 

Thanks for reading. I truly appreciate any advice you may have.

[Captain34]

my advice is to show up and be all business. dont shun her, but dont be panting over the fact that you are seeing her again. remember that she asked for this, so you shoudlnt feel bad if she acts like she wants more from you.

 

bottom line: being friends right now will not work. best thing for you to do is start yje process of moving on. believe me, i know you dont want to hear that. regardless, it is the best thing for you to do whether she wants you back or not.

[friscodj]

Hey hail-

 

One month removed from a 2.5 year relationship is a blink of an eye. And by virtue that you are looking forward to seeing her and posting in the "Getting Back Together" forum tells me you are still denying the finality of this.

 

You did the right thing by trying to be friends, realizing it was too painful, walking away, and telling her to contact you if she wants to get back together. That's step one...step two is sticking to that.

 

But has she shown respect for your position? It sure doesn't sound like it. Classically, in situations like this with a young person inexperienced with relationships, your ex is doing what she wants without regard for your position here. She makes out with another guy, she desires space, she contacts you when she pleases, she doesn't see what the ambiguity of "taking space" is doing to you, she's driving this thing. A lot of this might her denial of the finality of the situation too, and a lot is her inability to see and sympathize with your pain, because she has not been in your situation before, and some of this is putting herself first when it comes to dealing with her grief here too.

 

So I write this tirade to motivate you do what Captain said...all business. Get in and get out. If you are daydreaming about her beautiful brown eyes now, when you actually see them, when you smell her, see her smile, your resolve will be shaken to the absolute core. And this position will have you hanging on her every word, and even generating illusions of hope that she wants to get back together with you.

 

You neither need nor desire this type of trouble. Get in, and get out. The woman you knew and loved with the beautiful brown eyes is gone and not coming back. You must believe that. She chose under her free will to leave you and has probably been detaching for a while before she actually split. Should she begin to hint at a reconciliation now, it would be based largely on her desire to avoid the grief she will face with this too or mistake the grief and pain for correctness is being with you, i.e., "if it hurts this much, we must belong together." I have gone down both roads before my friend...

 

So your contact with her is business. Realize your girlfriend is a memory and this woman at the meeting is your ex...a different person now to you. The memories and feelings are now kept in your heart, kept to yourself. Also realize your very fragile and compromising emotional position here and the need to stand strong and love yourself by doing so.

[heloladies21]

My advice to you is that if you are still not strong enough where you can function and not be this emotionally affected by the situation, then skip the meetings. Your psychological state is much more important than some student organization.

 

You need to continue with the NC until you get to the point where your emotions cool more. Then you can get in touch with her again,and finalize what both of your intentions are. And if you are at that point not on the same page, then it's a done deal and there is nothing left to be said.

 

One thing to keepin mind is that being friends or hanging around in the background while someone is making up their mind has been proven ineffective in leading back into a full blown successful relationship. It's much more cut and dry than that. Either she wants tobe with you or she doesn't. Anything inbetween really means that she's not interested.

[hailtothevictors]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond.

 

If you are daydreaming about her beautiful brown eyes now, when you actually see them, when you smell her, see her smile, your resolve will be shaken to the absolute core. And this position will have you hanging on her every word, and even generating illusions of hope that she wants to get back together with you.

 

This is what I'm most nervous about. I feel pretty strong right now, the 29 days of NC has been pretty beneficial. I know that I'm nowhere near being "over her", and I know that will take quite some time. However, I feel pretty confident - I know that I did my best in the relationship, and put everything I had into making us happy. However, I am slightly worried about how I will react to seeing her.

 

Skipping the meeting isn't really an option. A lot of people count on me to be there and get my stuff done; I don't want to let them down and I don't want to start sacrificing my interests because she broke up with me.

 

So, I plan on making it strictly business. I will try to treat her just as I do everyone else in the room, friendly and polite. All eight of us sit in the same place around the table at every meeting and of course, I sit by her. Should I sit somewhere else? That would be pretty awkward because everyone has sat in the same seats for the past year.

[friscodj]

Hey bro,

 

I guarantee when you see her, given what you've written, posting in the "Getting Back Together" forum, etc., when you see her, you are going to be shaken.

 

You can't change that but you can prepare for it. Prepare for the worst of the worst. Prepare for an unthinkable amount of nervousness, discomfort, expect the memories to come rushing back, expect it. Expect to head to the rest room and throw up in tears.

 

You know why? Because when the reality of the situation isn't this bad, it will be a huge relief to you that this isn't as bad as you thought.

 

There is really no sense sitting next to her. Even being there given your condition is a stretch. But as long as you realize: 1) you are in a fragile and compromising position and such a position will cause you to have illogical and misguided thoughts which are best ignored, 2) that she is a different person now and sees you as a different person as well, and 3) you armor up preparing for the worst, you should be OK.

 

And before you do anything beyond business here, i.e., have any sort of conversation with her about anything, you take a step back, remove yourself from the heat of the moment, collect yourself, and come talk to us here. I have seen in situations like this the norm seems to tell me if and when she doesn't get exactly what she wants from you, i.e., continuing to have her way with you, when and how she wants it, she will put up a manipulative effort to get it.

[hailtothevictors]

Thanks frisco,

 

Your advice was really helpful. I know that it is going to be tough, but I want to be as prepared as possible. I feel like I'm getting ready for a big football game or something, lol.

 

And I will follow your advice and take a step back before doing anything rash that I might regret later. Everyone on this board has been very helpful and supportive, and I appreciate everyone who takes the time to offer advice. I'll definitely talk to you guys before doing anything, just to get my thoughts straightened out. Thanks man.

[GoingForIt_77]

Helloladies,

 

You probably don't recognize me (I used to have a different username), but I remember you. I was on this site for quite a while, just to help other people. At times I was considered to be quite outspoken. I guess it's because I didn't always share the same philosophy/attitude as most on here do.

 

My thoughts on what you just said are as follows:

 

I don't believe that our ex's will be black and white with us, as to whether they want to be with us or not. I believe it's a lot more complex than that. Our ex's are for the most part, just as in conflict as we are, but in a very different way.

 

It really boils down to WHY they felt they HAD to leave us in the first place. They didn't feel like they were leaving the person they MET, or fell in love with and thereforeeee, they wouldn't want to be with someone who reminds them of the same person they left. There confusion lies in their lack of trust in us, as to whether or not we still have the potential to hurt them or not. Actually, as the dumpee, we fear the same thing, but our fear is more irrational than theirs. We for the most part PUSHED them away with our actions.

 

For them to have something called "cognitive dissonance", whereby their head starts seeing something different in us, which goes against what they believed, then their head will start to question things again and it will start to talk to their heart and two areas MAY be curious to further investigate the situation and see if they can step a few week into the sand and NOT sink.

 

Them being unsure and apprehensive is completely normal and that is OUR doing. We can't try and convince them to trust us again through our words (promises). It has to be done through our actions.

[hailtothevictors]

I need some words of encouragement here. I saw her today.

 

I was walking back from class and there she was, walking right at me. It's been 30 days since I had seen her last, 30 days without hearing her voice. She got a big smile on her face (as did I - she looked amazing) and said hey. She asked what class I was coming from. I told her I was coming back from my first journalism class and that I had been accepted to the school of journalism (it's really competitive). She said congratulations and told me what classes she was going to and then that she was going to work afterwards. She was all dressed up for work and said she feels like she looks funny. I told her that she looks good and she said thanks. We went our separate ways, telling each other to have a good day.

 

I was quite proud of how I handled myself - smiling, happy, polite. She looked really happy to see me and smiled throughout the conversation. I can't get over how beautiful she looked, going so long without seeing her made her look all the more amazing. She was wearing a scarf and hat that I got her for Christmas last year.

 

About 10 steps after walking away from her, I almost lost it. I barely made it into my room before bursting into tears. I've been sobbing for the past half hour - seeing her just opened everything up again. I love her so much, I don't want anyone else but her ... this is all just so hard. I don't know what to do ... I want to call her and tell her how happy I was to see her, how beautiful she looked, and how much I miss her. But I know that won't do me any good. I just feel like complete crap right now ... I don't want to go to the rest of my classes today

[friscodj]

Hey hail-

 

I'm sorry bro, I'm sorry this is so tough for you. I've certainly been there before and it is a tough place to be. And that is the understatement of the year.

 

You handled it the best you could have and are doing a great job with this. If this happens again, I doubt it will be this bad.

 

Now, from here, two things:

 

1) Under absolutely no circumstances are you to contact her. You know in your head contacting her won't do you any good and you just got hit head on by an emotional train which showed you that you need to stay off those tracks in the future. These are two important pieces to your healing process here.

 

2) If you need to take a "sick day", one day, away from your classes because of this, I say do it. Address your feelings completely and then wake up tomorrow with all of this behind you. One day is OK but try not to let this one experience and the associated temporary pain and suffering interfere with your education and your permanent academic record. I've let this happen before and it only makes the break up 100 times worse because it is now shrouded negativity and blame for such.

[hailtothevictors]

Thanks - I'm also hoping that the first time was the worst and it will get a little bit easier from here. I'm trying to look at it as a blessing in disguise ... now I know a little bit of what to expect tomorrow night at the meeting.

 

I do strongly believe now that NC is still the way to go. I felt absolutely awful today, and I don't want to willingly put myself through that again anytime soon. I'm doing my best to move on, but I can't seem to let go of my hope to get back together with her. Perhaps that will come with time.

[friscodj]

Thanks - I'm also hoping that the first time was the worst and it will get a little bit easier from here. I'm trying to look at it as a blessing in disguise ... now I know a little bit of what to expect tomorrow night at the meeting.

 

Are you sure you still want to go to that meeting? Do you think the benefit would outweigh the cost? Could you be productive at this meeting?

 

At any rate, keep expecting the worst here. Keep your armor on.

 

I do strongly believe now that NC is still the way to go. I felt absolutely awful today, and I don't want to willingly put myself through that again anytime soon. I'm doing my best to move on, but I can't seem to let go of my hope to get back together with her. Perhaps that will come with time.

 

Belief and conviction that comes from within you is the most important factor of situations like this. Your belief in this to be the right path will take you to the end faster. Keep it up.

 

On the same note, maybe let go of the notion of trying to move on. Time and distance will do that for you and too much effort can create pressure, stress, maybe generate feelings of failure and frustration for not moving on as fast as you would wish. Just roll with it instead of against it. In time, you will be fine and you can't speed that up. You can make it easier by getting out and doing things, keeping yourself busy, etc. and you can find your path (which you seem to have done) but don't make such efforts counterproductive. Just roll with this.

[need2bme]

WOW, I could absolutely feel your sadness. Man, all we can do is hope that tomorrow is better than today, and it will be. At least it will be one more day you can wakeup and try again.

 

One thing is for sure, you have to keep no contact. Everytime I wake up from a dream about her and call her or email her and get no response, it makes me feel that much worse.

 

Only to remember that when she had an issue with her family, she called me and when she "just wanted to talk" she calle dme at the end of last year, out of the blue.

 

Now, she is with some other guy. I cannot let this be on her terms. I was told by a friend that I am stupid for thinking that I cannot be friends with her, because she wants the emotion without none of the responsibility. I was told that we had been together for so long that we are probably the best of friends.

 

I should not want to give that up. Well, I don't; I was forced to. I don't believe it is fair to be friends with her, when all she wants is that guy and me, only without the emotional investment with me.

 

Your ex acting the way she did and mine acting the way she did, as if nothing happened, means to me, that they just want to act as if nothing happened. Only guess what? It did.

[hailtothevictors]

Okay - the meeting is tonight ... and the situation just changed.

 

She IMed me a little while ago saying she had a question about the meeting. I was gone at the time, but when I returned I responded. She told me she has strep throat and doesn't feel very good so she doesn't feel like going. However, she asked if I could bring some paperwork to the meeting for her. I said that I could and she said thank you and asked if she should take it down to my room (we live in the same dorm) or if I wanted to come to her room and get it. I said I would stop by her room in about an hour.

 

I don't really know what to make of this. I feel like I am being the much-discussed "safety net" in this situation. But I just don't have it in my heart to not help her out; I love her too much. I always used to take care of her when she was sick and she appreciated it so much. Should I bring her anything - some soup or something? I know the answer is "no", I don't really even know why I asked. I am just so used to being there for her and doing sweet things for her ... it's a hard habit to break.

 

At least I won't have to worry about how I will handle being with her at the meeting tonight.

[heloladies21]

You can't read anything good or bad into what happened.

 

You're gonna be overly sensitive to anything she does until you go NC for some time to regain yourself.

[hailtothevictors]

Should I ask her if I can do anything for her? I hate it when she is sick - I just want to hold her and make it better.

[thefarewellnote]

I am sure ppl will disagree with me for saying this but just my thoughts.

 

If you live in the dorms I assume she has a microwave. I would honestly take her some of that microwavable chicken noodle soup. Don't ask her, just show up and say here this is for you, and say you hope she gets better. That way she knew you thought of her and that you care....for being a friend means caring too.

 

Just my thoughts

[fleur-de-lis]

You're so sweet, I think she would appreciate it, just ask her if she needs anything. I think that these kind of actions say that you are confident.

[hailtothevictors]

Okay, I just went up there. We said hi, talked about the meeting for a couple minutes. She said she has strep and the doctor thinks it could be mono

 

I brought her a microwavable package of her favorite kind of soup - she said thank you about 10 times and it looked like it cheered her up. Thanks for the idea thefarewellnote, at least I feel like I did a little something to help her and I'm sure she appreciated it.

 

The best news of all - I don't feel terribly hurt after seeing her like I did yesterday. I didn't shed a tear

[thefarewellnote]

Okay, I just went up there. We said hi, talked about the meeting for a couple minutes. She said she has strep and the doctor thinks it could be mono

 

I brought her a microwavable package of her favorite kind of soup - she said thank you about 10 times and it looked like it cheered her up. Thanks for the idea thefarewellnote, at least I feel like I did a little something to help her and I'm sure she appreciated it.

 

The best news of all - I don't feel terribly hurt after seeing her like I did yesterday. I didn't shed a tear

 

Thats awesome!!! At least it showed her that you cared about her well being. Just dont take a step back now, keep up with NC and if everyone around here is right....and I have a hunch too, I bet money she will call you in a few days to thank you again for it.

 

Keep me posted...

[friscodj]

I feel like I am being the much-discussed "safety net" in this situation. But I just don't have it in my heart to not help her out; I love her too much. I always used to take care of her when she was sick and she appreciated it so much. Should I bring her anything - some soup or something? I know the answer is "no", I don't really even know why I asked. I am just so used to being there for her and doing sweet things for her ... it's a hard habit to break.

 

Well, I have two thoughts here.

 

First, she, by her own free will, decided to end the relationship with you. With the end of the relationship comes the end of what the relationship provided, namely, the actions you mention above.

 

Otherwise, you are giving her the benefits of the relationship without responsibility from her end. Worry not, my friend, I too have equated this with "love".

 

But is it "love" for yourself? Is selflessly giving up your perspective on and direction towards better emotional places in your life for the sake of someone who rejected you loving yourself? There is a fine line between a "good guy" and a "pathetic sap". That line is drawn in the ink of your treatment of and resulting feelings towards yourself...and I think you have crossed it my friend...

 

Also, you are letting emotions dictate your actions and control you. What you wrote above is in the same logical neighborhood of getting mad at someone and shooting them dead with a 357...only here you're doing it to yourself...

 

But yet again, perhaps these are lessons best learned for yourself by continuing on this path you are on now. I'm sorry if I am being harsh but I know how tough this lesson is to learn on your own, how it can mess you up for a long time, and maybe something I said here provided some Cliff Notes to help you with your final exam on this...

[hailtothevictors]

Thanks for the words of encouragement everyone. I'm glad I did what I did, it made me feel good and that is what is most important. The meeting went really well, I actually had a lot of fun.

 

I don't know if it is wise to think she will say thank you again within the next few days; she might ... i just don't want to get my hopes up. I'm just going to continue with the NC and take things as they come, one day at a time.

 

I'll keep you all posted ...

[friscodj]

I'm just going to continue with the NC and take things as they come, one day at a time.

 

That's what you've gotta do here.

 

I'll keep you all posted ...

 

Do so...

[hailtothevictors]

Thanks for the response frisco, I understand what you're saying. I guess right now I'm content with how I handled things tonight because it made me feel good. Perhaps I will be kicking myself tomorrow or in a few days or weeks, I'm not sure. I don't think I crossed the line into the realm of "pathetic sap", but I suppose time will tell.

 

Right now I just want to take things one day as a time and continue the healing process. I'll handle situations as they arise to the best of my abilities and of course, I'll always have you guys here at ENA to help me out. Thanks again.

[friscodj]

I'll handle situations as they arise to the best of my abilities

 

That's all anyone can ask of themselves. You'll be fine.