Oops!! Found out the ex is engaged!!

[longhaircats]

Hey,

 

I know how you feel, because I too was the one who couldn't commit marrige after almost 3 years. Over the past 7 months I was in pain and blamed myself why I couldn't give what he wanted, why I treated him the way I did. I tried to get back to him but he told me the damage has been done and he doesn't feel the same way anymore.

 

Do you feel anger? Do you still feel guilty? I realized that guilt was what preventing me from moving on.

[Orlander]

Do you feel anger? Do you still feel guilty? I realized that guilt was what preventing me from moving on.

Yes, I do still feel guilt and some anger, though I am certain one of the reasons she stopped seeing me for good last year was because I was so angry at her.

 

A part of me feels like I wasted her time but a part of me feels like she wasted mine. I wish I had just been strong enough to nip the relationship in the bud as soon as I was sure I wasn't going to fall in love with her...which I felt about a month after I started dating her.

 

All I have to do is let this go. She isnt mine anymore, but it's killing me.

 

Orlander

[pedro]

Hi Orlando

 

I was just reading over your posts and I'm sorry you had to find out that your ex is engaged. Like what others stated, she's probably rushing into things and probably for all the wrong reasons.

 

It's great to hear that 11/2 years later that things are looking up with your job, dating etc. It from true despair and hitting the lowest of the lows that we are able to rise up and begin a new, more fulfilled existence. Faith in God is a tough one sometimes, but it's the belief that things happen for a reason that keeps me going.

 

Keep chatting to us whenever you need to. Take care man!

 

DP

[Orlander]

Thanks Pedro. Today is a bad day, to say the least. I am really struggling. I went to see a doctor today and hope the medication I got will help out. It's tough to think that I always believed it would be easy to find someone else and it would be difficult for her to. I was delusional.

 

Someone told me today with a very stern face "I would think that her finding someone she could love would make you happy if you really loved her". What can you say to that?! Yes, I want to feel that way, but i dont and isnt that part of the reason I am here, posting online about my problems instead of enjoying the fruits of a current relationship and woman I love??

 

 

Orlander

[brando]

O,

 

Just be pacient. It will come. You cannot force this acceptance to happen, it is a gradual process. A trick i learned is to watch my thoughts and to question if i really believe those thoughts. I found out later these thoughts are considered "LIMITING THOUGHTS".

 

It is easy to get sucked up into our belief systems. It is as if we think they are etched in stone, the same way people think falling in love is beyond their control, and falling out of love. None of these things are etched anywhere. It is only a belief.

 

We all choose the things we want in life, sometimes a few of us forget that all we need to do is make another choice. We are only powereless over others... not ourselves, and thier is a limitation on how much we control our own lives as well. The rest is up to God, the universe, or a higher power.

 

Anyway, i know you can do this, one minute at a time one day at a time you will get past this.

 

be well,

brando

[WildChild]

Oh Orlander I am so sorry I am just floored! I know that's not what you need to hear right now, but I just feel so bad that after all that has happened and been said between you two, that this is what it's all about? I know this seems obvious, but if she has been lying to you for this long or about what her feelings were, you need to concentrate on working through this and move on and let the past go. You didn't deserve this, at the very least to be lied to in such a manner. Take care of yourself please.

[PeteLikesIt]

I feel for you Orlander. You sound like a decent, honest guy. All the best, keep you chin up - in time, healing will come and one day, you may even wonder why you loved her. Someone better is probably just around the corner.

[Orlander]

Thank you Brando, Pete and WildChild. Tonight has been a very productive night. I've been basically explaining to myself aloud why I just need to put the bag of bricks(my ex) that I have been carrying around with me for a year and a half down and move on.

 

This is the turning point in my life. I know that it's over now and everything screams "it just wasnt meant to be". I can now focus on myself and moving on and regaining my passion and purpose.

 

I will find a much better love.

 

One hell of a night tonight...I gotta say.

 

 

Orlander

[Rainz]

Sorry to hear that this news is having such an effect on you. An ex getting engaged has a sense of finality about it. That she will be going into a commitment of marriage etc....so she's gone.

At the same time you will face it and over come it and you seem to have the right outlook so far.

 

One thing stood out to me in one of your posts though, that it was a month after you started seeing that you first felt you wouldn't fall in love with her. How then were you able to continue on in the relationship? Was it that you thought your feelings would develop in time?

Despite the effect it's having on you she deserves to be with someone who is in love with he as I'm sure you know. Not that you're negating that either, it just seems odd to me that knowing your feelings for werent what they should have been, you're feeling it right now just knowing how much she's moving on.

 

My last relationship wasn't that long compared to those of you that were with your exes for years. With that break up my ex finished with me and months later the last I knew he hadn't moved on in terms of dating etc at all. Just like myself. I really feel it for those of you where your ex has just rebounded or jumped right into something new while you're going through the intial months of breaking up.

[Orlander]

Thanks for your post, Rainz. Something felt a bit "off" when dating my ex initially. She didnt understand me(so I felt) like my ex ex or the woman I fell in love with after her. I think my last ex knew me and knew what I liked, but probably wasn't (and I hate to say this) intelligent enough or had the common sense that I would have liked. I think this would have saved me a lot of trouble if I had gone with my gut instinct and left when I knew it probably wasn't going to work out. I just don't think she had the depth and maturity that I probably needed.

 

Case in point: I would do something or say something and my ex ex would say "you are just saying that because of Reason 1 or Reason 2" and I would say "Yeah, you are right...wow, I didn't realize that...you know me pretty well". I didn't get that same understanding from my ex.

 

How then were you able to continue on in the relationship? Was it that you thought your feelings would develop in time?

I was able to continue on because she was SO into me and loved me so much...words cannot describe how she lavished attention on me and flattered my ego. It's hard to leave something like that...and I should have. I did love her a great deal though, but there was always that conflict in me about her and if nothing else...I am relieved not to be feeling it anymore.

 

I wasn't ready, as a person, for her love, but I am definitely ready now for the love of someone who can love me.

 

Yes, I DO want her to be happy. In my opinion, the relationship just would NOT have worked out...but I have a history of not being able to let go after being dumped and it's something I need to work on. I actually think it's probably rather easy to work on, but I have been so paralized this past year with fear of starting over and losing her love. It destroyed my ego and it was months before I began to see myself as attractive again. Which I certaintly do now.

 

Thanks and I will keep posting as I progress. I'm getting over this and I know this will help me heal enough so I can finally find what I really want...someone to fall in love with and marry.

 

 

Orlander

[Rainz]

Thanks for your post, Rainz. Something felt a bit "off" when dating my ex initially. She didnt understand me(so I felt) like my ex ex or the woman I fell in love with after her. I think my last ex knew me and knew what I liked, but probably wasn't (and I hate to say this) intelligent enough or had the common sense that I would have liked.

 

I understand what you're saying here and that you don't mean it in a horrible way (re: not intelligent enough or lack of common sense)

 

I think this would have saved me a lot of trouble if I had gone with my gut instinct and left when I knew it probably wasn't going to work out. I just don't think she had the depth and maturity that I probably needed.

 

Case in point: I would do something or say something and my ex ex would say "you are just saying that because of Reason 1 or Reason 2" and I would say "Yeah, you are right...wow, I didn't realize that...you know me pretty well". I didn't get that same understanding from my ex.

 

 

I see what you're saying she wasn't as in tune to you like the other exes it seems.I was able to continue on because she was SO into me and loved me so much...words cannot describe how she lavished attention on me and flattered my ego. It's hard to leave something like that...and I should have. I did love her a great deal though, but there was always that conflict in me about her and if nothing else...I am relieved not to be feeling it anymore.

 

I wasn't ready, as a person, for her love, but I am definitely ready now for the love of someone who can love me.

 

Yes, I DO want her to be happy. In my opinion, the relationship just would NOT have worked out...[

 

QUOTE]but I have a history of not being able to let go after being dumped and it's something I need to work on.

I'm the same, so I can so relate to that.I've been following your posts on here for a while and your efforts at healing and moving on, from your posts, are inspiring and positive to me.

 

I actually think it's probably rather easy to work on, but I have been so paralized this past year with fear of starting over and losing her love. It destroyed my ego and it was months before I began to see myself as attractive again. Which I certaintly do now. :smile:

 

 

Good on you, see how far you have come?

For myself I'm probably just at the stage where the prospect of light friendly mingling and dating doesn't seem so frightening now.

[Orlander]

For myself I'm probably just at the stage where the prospect of light friendly mingling and dating doesn't seem so frightening now.

Good, Rainz, then you should definitely pursue that. My mistake was not mourning the end of the relationship for a couple of months and then focusing on getting over her and moving on.

 

It's so important not to linger in anguish and dwell in the past. This time I am taking extreme initiative and taking every conceivable action to leave the past behind me.

 

Time for bed. Good night all

 

 

Orlander

[Orlander]

good morning forumites,

 

Just doing some updates each day to monitor my progress.

The mornings are tough...toughest part of the day. It's the time when the fear and sadness and deep pain try to seep back into my heart.

 

Today is harder than yesterday. It took almost an hour this morning to talk to myself into a state of acceptance and strength, but the talks are working.

 

Everytime thoughts of my ex or the fact that she is engaged now start to pop into my head, I take myself aside and explain to myself, very intensely that she is gone.

 

I hadn't moved on in all these months. I've kept her in my heart because of fear of never finding love again, fear of change and because of the guilt I felt for not doing the things I see now (and for the most part, saw then too) that I should have done while i was with her. Regret is a powerful enemy!

 

So, these past couple of days I literally step out of my own skin and explain to myself how she left me and isn't coming back. I tell myself that the only way to recover...to be able to love again and have that love returned, to have the kind of woman and relationship I have dreamed of is to let her go.

 

I know when I am able to let her go I will love again. When I let her go I will be happy again...after almost a year and a half of hardship and pain.

 

This time now is landmark in my life. I either fight this and win by getting over her or I sink into oblivion. If I show strength now, I know I can handle anything in the future that comes my way.

 

My friends, i am just not willing not to seize this opportunity.

 

Orlander

[WildChild]

Orlander, you've had a lot of changes in the last 2 years, and you have survived it all through perserverance and your own strength. As painful as it is right now, I know you will make it through this. Keep believing in yourself, have faith in yourself and be proud of yourself and your accomplishments.

[Orlander]

Thanks for your kind words, WildChild.

 

Last night was really hard, even though I had a date. I'm keeping myself busy...had a 5k run this morning downtown with a friend and had fun. Have a date this afternoon and out with friends tonight.

 

I guess what hurts the most is that my ex and I had such a special bond and I really thought it would be extremely difficult for her to find someone she can connect with again.

 

As I go on though and even though I shouldnt be thinking about it, I see that I had issues coming into the relationship, but it didnt seem to matter that much to her. I was able to love her, but was not over my ex completely. I know in my heart of hearts she replaced me with the new guy because she didnt want to feel the lonliness and pain.

 

I just dont understand women. As much as I want to call or email her and tell her how I am feeling I have promised myself and two others that I will not try nor will I attempt to find any more info on her.

 

If only I could convenience myself she wasnt the one and there will be another I can love more...if only

 

 

Orlander

[bella321]

I think it's good that you are dating a lot. Was your last night date and today's afternoon date with the same girl? It's also good you're keeping yourself busy. I understand your feelings about not being able to imagine yourself feeling the same bond with someone else. I feel the same way, because I never had any feelings close to the one I had with my ex with anyone else and I feel like no one else will get me like he did. However, I guess it helps to remember that we are not the only heartbroken people in the world and that most people are in certain and different stages of heartbreak all the time. I was telling a friend recently that I will never be able to love someone like I loved my ex, and she said it won't be the same way but it could be deeper, different, and better. I guess I have to believe her because the alternative confirming my worst suspicions is way worse. Keep up your NC, it's the only way. And to confirm, your ex is engaged 5 months after you guys broke up? Seems too fast to be true....

[Orlander]

Thanks bella321. I am currently dating two women, but neither I am really into. I know I need to heal my heart more before I go into a relationship with the right mindset.

 

I can tell you that I went through this SAME thing with the woman I dated before my ex and felt the EXACT same way. I felt I would never find someone again who understood me or who appreciate me and my humor, but I was DEAD wrong.

 

So, here I am again and it feels impossible...again. Logically, I know the steps I need to take to move on.

 

1. Put her out of my mind

2. Keep dating

 

So, that's what I am going to push for.

 

 

Orlander

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

I feel you man. I really do. A longtime ago I was engaged to a woman who cheated on me. Called the wedding off four days before the Big Day. She ended up marrying the guy she was cheating with. I just noticed recently, almost ten years after the fact and after a horrible break up and impending divorce, that I'm not bothered by her cheating or her getting married. I've heard through the grape vine that she has kids now too. Somewhere along the path I put the anger and hurt down. I hope it comes quickly for you.

[Orlander]

Thank you so much for your post, Reluctant Rebuilder. It reinforces my hopes that one day I WILL get over her and find the love of my life.

 

I remember, distinctly now but had forgotten over this past year, that in my last relationship before my current ex, I took steps over months to free my heart and actually looked forward to finding a new love. I remember feeling so romantic about falling in love with someone new. Alas, right now I can't imagine ever loving someone else. *sigh* how did she go on so fast to find that which my heart yearns for? Freedom

 

Orlander

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

I don't know how someone can move on that fast. I know that some people mentally leave a relationship long before they actually break up. If anything, your pain is good. It tells you is that you are able to feel deeply about things. You love deeply and thereforeeee hurt deeply. I feel sorry for those who don't hurt as much when things end. They never will know what it's like to love someone so completely.

[Orlander]

I have theories, but I'm not going to talk/think about it anymore.

 

I'm sorry you went through such a rough time Reluctant Rebuilder. If there were only a pill to take to make us forget our troubles.

 

 

Orlander

[Orlander]

This morning was tough although much better once I went to church. I visited a new church with one of the girls I am going out with. We went to eat afterwards.

 

It's been hard in trying to let my ex go, but as I have said it should be easier now that I have a sense of finality to the relationship and the more I (unfortunately) think about her the more I realize that I was used, manipulated and ultimately thrown out. Love can be so cruel.

 

So, my focus is on finding a new love and I gotta tell you...I am having the hardest time with having faith that I will meet someone else with whom I can fall in love for. Having the memories of what love looks like in the eyes of a lover is torturous. I want that back so bad...but am starting to realize it has to be with someone besides my ex.

 

Tough times ahead. Just need faith.

 

 

Orlander

[Orlander]

Hi all,

 

There was a turning point in my healing last night. Something happened which gave me incredible strength. I'm cultivating this strength and hope to explain later.

 

There is a warmth in my heart that wasn't there before. Take care.

 

Orlander

[smiles21]

Orlander,

 

I have been following some of your story, and reading you posts. And you sound like the pain I was in after my 4 year breakup of my ex. It's been three months since we split, and I'm doing better. But it still does hurt at times.

 

You seem like a really great person, honestly, and deserve so much better. Besides, were MMA buddies, remember?

 

You will find someone who appreciates you, and you will overcome this. You seem very strong willed. But the only thing you can do is post here, we will help you through this.. there will be dark days, but try to make them sunny. I'm here if you need anything.. I've been through the turmoil.. I think girls just get over things differently, and I guarantee your ex is trying to fill that void, and she is making a terrible mistake. My ex did the same.

[deejay74]

wow orlander, i am sorry to hear that your ex getting married has affected you in not such a good way. i didn't read through all the posts on this thread but i wanted to give you my support and sympathy.

 

you've responded to some of my posts in the past and i've read your responses to other posts as well and you seem like a great guy that i am sure will have no problem finding someone better than your ex. it's great that you have/had 2 dates!!

 

i think it's interesting to see those of us who've been broken up for a year or more who still carry some of the pain or memories of our exes and relationships around with us. is it a common trait for those of us men who are hopeless romantics?? lol!!

 

anyway, perhaps knowing she's getting married can help you to completely get her out of your mind.