Unhappy in marriage. Divorce or work it out?

[ender1]

Been married about 1 1/2 years. My wife is somewhat of an emotional wreck. She argues with her family constantly, often thinks everyone is against her. She gets mad at everyone it seems, neighbors, people walking by who she perceives as cutting her off, or not holding the door, etc... She has major self-esteem issues. I have been in a support role for over 3 years with her.

 

When I'm alone, I think to myself. Does being married make me happier than when I was single? The simple answer is NO. My wife stresses me the hell out. I have to constantly "deal" with insecurities and over-reactions. I have to support her when she gets mad at every little thing that someone or a member of her family does.

 

 

It just makes sense to me. My wife is suppose to make me happy, and I'm suppose to make her happy. What is the point of being married if that doesn't exist? I know my wife is happy with me, because she was living and home, and I owned my own home, so she now has a house and her own car.

 

She is supportive and very loyal, but in terms of just plain making me happy, or reducing my stress, it just is not happening.

 

Maybe I don't realize how much I need her because we're constantly together. I dunno.

 

I seriously think that if I were single, I simply would be able to manage my life better, have more money, not have added stressed introduced into my life, not have to constantly calm her down, etc...

 

Thanks for listening.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

well, did you expect marriage to change her? it doesn't change one's personality...

 

do you think she married you just for the house and car? if so, that's a problem...

 

are you tired or who she really is, or is she stressed out in such a way that changing something would calm her down, or does she need some kind of mental/medical treatment, in which case you should try that first...

 

lots of married couples have a big adjustment period the first year, so this could be it, but if you think you made a really big mistake, then better to cut your losses before you have children.

 

you might want to try marriage counseling too, that can sometimes help one get adjusted to marriage.

[Day_Walker]

It just makes sense to me. My wife is suppose to make me happy, and I'm suppose to make her happy. What is the point of being married if that doesn't exist? I know my wife is happy with me, because she was living and home, and I owned my own home, so she now has a house and her own car.

 

See that is inherently your problem you believe that your wife is supposed to make you happy and vice versa. That is simply not the case you are responsible for your own happiness and she is for hers. There is an old joke that says that you cannot make a woman happy, but it is true because she is the source of her happiness. Now if you are tired of dealing with her then that is another issue.

I do not believe that you can compare being married to being single because they are too different. There are too many differences. I think the answer to your question all comes down to commitment. If you feel that you no longer want to be committed to your wife then your option is divorce.

[Weary]

Marriage and relationships are not supposed to make someone happy. They are supposed to enhance a happyness already there. You cannot be a passive player in a relationship and expect something to change. If you want to continue being with her, then contribute to the solution, whether that be therapy, listening, talking, activities, etc. Marriage is a partnership. Personally I think you are already on dangerous ground when you think your wife stresses you, and you would have more money without her etc. It seems you are dwelling more on the problems, than on the solution.

 

Marriage takes work, ups and downs, stress, problem solving etc etc...but the point is you both do it and work at it together. If you were to walk away now and file for a divorce...could you honestly sit back and say you both gave it your all?

[CarnelianButterfly]

Marriage and relationships are not supposed to make someone happy. They are supposed to enhance a happyness already there. You cannot be a passive player in a relationship and expect something to change. If you want to continue being with her, then contribute to the solution, whether that be therapy, listening, talking, activities, etc. Marriage is a partnership. Personally I think you are already on dangerous ground when you think your wife stresses you, and you would have more money without her etc. It seems you are dwelling more on the problems, than on the solution.

 

Marriage takes work, ups and downs, stress, problem solving etc etc...but the point is you both do it and work at it together. If you were to walk away now and file for a divorce...could you honestly sit back and say you both gave it your all?

Here here! This is just about what I was thinking.

 

To the poster:

I think therapy would be a good start and really looking at the relationship as a whole. It sounds like you have some problems too if you expect someone else to make you happy, you need get help too. Your wife isn't there for your entertainment, its a group effort, you both need to want it to work.

[DN]

It is true that a spouse's job is not to make the other happy. But it is also true that it is not to make the partner unhappy either. Those are two different concepts and I think your main concern is that her negativity is making you unhappy.

 

Have you talked to her about this? If you have not, I suggest that you do. Try not to make it a confrontation or aggressive criticism but you do need to let her know that she is putting great strain on your relationship.

 

She will probably say, not without justification, "then why did you marry me?"

 

Don't allow that to distract you from the issue at hand. Tell her that you married her despite that not because of it and now find it is a bigger problem that you thought it would be and cannot continue to tolerate it.

 

I would also agree that if you are unable to resolve this between you then you should seek counselling.

[SummerGirl38]

Misery loves company and I feel for you

 

I went through this with a family member and God it was annoying. Nothing in their life was good, nothing ever went right, everyone was out to get them, there was such an overwhelming insecurity about EVERYTHING from their marriage, to their job, the world, family problems, you name it, it was bad. There was so much negativity it drove me nuts.

 

You want to be there and listen to their problems but after awhile of that it's like come on, is there anything good about your life.

 

There are people out there like this that always need to have a controversy in their lives to feel complete.

 

My advice to you is next time she goes into one of her tantrums. Stop her and calmly ask her, is there anything good in your life? Keep doing this and hopefully she will finally catch on that she is being a drag and you don't want to be a part of it.

 

It kind of puts them in perspective, it worked for me

[Honey_30]

she sounds like a nightmare to me.

 

i agree that your supposed to make each other happy...ok not all the time everyone needs a good fight now and again to let off some steam but to make you feel this * * * * everyday is bad.

 

maybe you should talk to her and let her know how she makes you feel.

im wondering what is going on in her head to make her the way she is. was she always this way?