Boyfriend and strippers

[AwdreeHpburn]

Very good ppoints GQ. I totally agree. I don't think she should leave him either- that would prolly be a tough thing to do. I just think she needs to command a certain amount of respect...

[piegirl]

GQ..

 

We had both been drinking and were both drunk. I agree that drinking does not excuse his actions. I did not leave that night because he convinced me that it would be a stupid thing to do considering that the closest place I had to go was an hour away and I was drunk.

 

He has only gone out without me 2 maybe 3 times. Most everytime time one of us goes out we go together. One because we have more fun together and 2 because we both enjoy doing the same things.

 

I do not want to leave him it is not easy to find a man that is willing to raise someone else's children and that will give as much as he has.

 

I feel that he disrepected me and that my unwavering trust I had in him until this has been shattered. How do you get that back? Can it be regained?

[AwdreeHpburn]

I feel that he disrepected me and that my unwavering trust I had in him until this has been shattered. How do you get that back? Can it be regained?

 

 

 

In MY opinion it can. You just have to make very clear what is acceptable to you and what is not. But once you establish your boundaries - don't let anyone blatantly disregard them.

[Batya33]

I think you need to weigh how important trust is in your relationship against the other things you say he brings to the table, one of the two you said you did not want to discuss, and I respect that. For me, trust and respect are basically top priorities - what about for you?

 

If you take the "he wants to raise my kids" out of the equation, would you stay or would you go? (again I am not discussing the issue of your parenting whatsoever just asking you to weigh for yourself - no need to share here if you don't desire to - the importance of having a romantic relationship where the man takes care of your children/is a father figure -since you raised it again in your last post I assume it's ok to mention it here, sorry if I misinterpreted).

 

If that aspect is a top priority for you then you probably have to put up with some trade offs - maybe including this one. As we all know, no one is perfect and we all have our lists of what is important to us in a relationship. Your other reason is that he is very giving in general. Again, how important is it to you to have a man who is giving of his time (and maybe money - not sure) balanced against wanting a man who would not drape himself over a stripper in front of you. That is not judging that balancing - but it is a balancing you have to do for yourself. Sometimes a simple pro/con list helps.

 

I dated someone once who after two months got drunk in front of me and his parents, was very rude to me, blew me off for a brunch date the next day and called later that day with a very weak/half-hearted apology. The week before he had been unreliable with plans and unapologetic. That was our last conversation and I never looked back because in my balancing I decided that I did not want to be affiliated with a person who would treat me like that and I decided at that time he probably would not make a good father to any children I might have based on those behaviors so early on in the relationship.

 

That is how I went about evaluating it. That process of evaluation might make sense for you to do in that it requires you to take a step back and look at the cold hard facts and to look at your own values and standards to see if this man has compatible values and standards to yours. In my case the answer was an easy one - and I hope you find an easy answer too.

 

As far as trust, I think trust can be regained if he promises never to do this again, tells you why he believes what he did was wrong and explains to you specifically why he believes it will never happen again.

 

I would also consider not having more than one drink - or less if your tolerance level is lower (like mine!) and for him to promise not to drink anymore - i.e. a decision that your relationship is more important than getting drunk since clearly that has an impact on behavior, judgment and common sense.

[piegirl]

My BF is the first guy that I have dated since my separation from my children's father that they have met. My children did not meet him until it became aparent that we were going to be together. I choose not to put the legal marriage into this realtionship. That does not make it less than your typical marriage other than the legalities. You say that situations change you are correct. I was married to my children's father that did mean that I did not end up divorced and raising my children by myself.

 

My BF is far from perfect as am I. However together we have been raising my children. Our situation may someday change. This current issue could ultimately be the end I hope not.

 

As I stated in my original post we have not yet sat down and talked about this issue. My children were mentioned in this post in an effort to portray the type of person that I am with as well to describe the situation that night.

 

I do not believe that I will leave him but we will talk this out and soon. I wanted other opinions on the situation that I have as well and answer to the question on regaining trust.

 

We will work this out or he will allow it to be the rift that splits our relationship.

 

My BF is giving of his time and affection. Money is not what makes the world go round. We are not doing without though and two incomes does make things that much easier.

 

If after we talk I feel that things can with time be back to where we once were then I will stay. It is what I wish for. If however things do go well when we talk I will leave.

 

Thanks everyone for your opinions.

[Batya33]

Yes - we differ on what is in the best interests of children when it comes to the children living with an adult who is romantically involved with but not married to the other parent or the adoptive or bio-parent of the children.

 

 

I hope he gives you an explanation and addresses the issue sufficiently for you and mostly that you are very honest with yourself about your motives for staying in this relationship and whether his values and standards are compatible with yours.

[fashionista007]

Was he drunk that night all of this went down? Alcohol makes people do and say REALLY stupid things.

[RayKay]

I think the bigger problem here in my eyes is not that he went to the strippers, but that he blatantly was disrespectful towards you when he was there about trying to see if he "still had it".

 

This points to both insecurity on his part, and maybe a sign he feels somewhat "trapped" in and is rebelling against that.

 

I think you need to really sit down and talk to him about how that made you actually feel. The advice is not as simple as just drop him, as obviously your children and you now have him as part of your lives, and you clearly are committed to one another.

 

To regain the trust, well that will take a concentrated effort from both sides....your side to be open to it and not hold it as a grudge, and from his side to show he is willing to earn it.

 

 

P.S. I don't not being married is the issue here at all, whether you were married or not would not mean he would not have behaved thay way, and I don't think not being married automatically screws kids up either if you are still committed to one another. My mother and stepfather have been together 21 years, never married, and for myself and my siblings he has been our father. The fact they were not married does not change that (it was her choice not to be married either, though I suspect they may do so one day in the future). We are all pretty normal There is a big difference between bringing people through the home one after the other and having a series of rockly relationships, than one that is long term, committed; just not married.

[Batya33]

To Raykay (only in response to your post) I would question his commitment to her based on his behavior and I have some questions about her commitment to him based on her reasons for staying with him (i.e. because he wants to be a father to her children and because he is a giving person) - it does not sound very stable but again this is only typing and we don't get complete context.

 

I am glad that your stepfather was and is committed to your mother. Statistics I believe support my opinion that children are more likely to end up being raised by a single parent when the parents were not married and that there is more risk of harm to children emotionally, financially and otherwise when the man living with their mother is not their father or married to the mother - and more risk to the health and safety of children in a single parent household. I also personally believe that it is a better role model for children to be raised in a marital home than a non-marital home all else being equal (i.e. where both relationships are stable).

 

Particularly here, where there seems to be excessive drinking involved and this type of behavior I have some concerns about the safety of the children and the general stability of the environment. I agree that an unstable marriage of course is not safe or healthy for children either in many cases but at least then there is a legal commitment between the parents and thereforeeee a greater chance of legal enforcement of financial obligations. Money isn't everything I agree but it is better than nothing in times of emotional upheaval.

 

Obviously there are exceptions - from the description here of the behavior and the nature of the commitment I am not so sure this is one of them.

[rocio]

Particularly here, where there seems to be excessive drinking involved and this type of behavior I have some concerns about the safety of the children and the general stability of the environment.

 

No offense intended, but this thread is about a man putting his arm around a stripper and his girlfriend becoming upset. The safety of the children is not the issue here, and the OP has made it clear that she is not interested in discussing the safety of her children and their stability.

 

She sounds like a loving and intelligent mother and I trust her ability to make choices regarding her children. I suggest you do the same.

[Kalika]

She sounds like a loving and intelligent mother and I trust her ability to make choices regarding her children. I suggest you do the same.

 

Hazey-

I agree with you that the main issue is the fact that he put his arm around a stripper in front of her, disrespecting her and making her lose trust in him. However, I also truly think Batya is bringing up valid points, especially with regards to them both being drunk the night of the incident. Obviously the kids weren't with them, but excessive drinking on both their parts obviously didn't help the situation any, and if there had been some emergency with the kids, it's possible to assume they would not be able to respond properly if they were both drunk.

 

That being said, alcohol does make you do stupid things but being it sounds like he has severe insecurity issues if he was willing to do that. Based on what he said, I don't think the eventual outcome will be good unless OP puts up with a lot. Mainly I am saying this because rather than being truly remorseful, he simply stated that he did it because he wanted to know that he still had "it" (or something along those lines...). That to me screams BIG RED FLAG.

[Batya33]

No offense intended, but this thread is about a man putting his arm around a stripper and his girlfriend becoming upset. The safety of the children is not the issue here, and the OP has made it clear that she is not interested in discussing the safety of her children and their stability.

 

She sounds like a loving and intelligent mother and I trust her ability to make choices regarding her children. I suggest you do the same.

 

 

Thanks for sharing your opinion - as stated I was replying to RayKay's post re the children and not the OP. The OP continued to raise the issue of the children as to one of the factors keeping her in the relationship. Nevertheless, because she asked only to discuss the issue of her boyfriend's behavior, I replied only to RayKay who raised the issue of the impact on the children and her views on being raised by her stepfather and mother.

 

I also respectfully disagree with the way in which you narrowed the issue as I see many other issues here including: the fact that there was excessive drinkign involved, his reaction to his behavior, and the behavior in the context of the rest of their relationship. I respectfully disagree that the problem should be analyzed in a vacuum as to do that ignores context, which here seems to be important.

[Batya33]

Hazey-

I don't think the eventual outcome will be good unless OP puts up with a lot. Mainly I am saying this because rather than being truly remorseful, he simply stated that he did it because he wanted to know that he still had "it" (or something along those lines...). That to me screams BIG RED FLAG.

 

 

Exactly my feeling - there is no sense at this point that this will be a one time incident - he may not do this with a stripper again but if his mindset is that he wants to see if he can still attract other women his behavior could reflect that mindset in a multitude of situations. The OP might end up being ok with that as a tradeoff to the positives she views in the relationship - that is not for us to judge, however.

[piegirl]

Drinking is not typically something that we do. We talked about going and decided to go to have a couple drinks. We both drank more than we normally would have.

 

Since my children continue to be the issue here I would also like to assure those of you that should an emergency have arose my children would not have been left waiting for me to sober up from a poor decision to drink to much ONE NIGHT. My mother and father had the children and they are both authorized to consent to medical treatment should I be unavailable. This was done due to me traveling once or twice a month for work.

 

There are also many reasons that we are together. In case that was missed in my previous post as well we have a truley great relationship.

 

We finally sat down and talked last night. We both agreed that the drinking was an issue that night and agreed that if we were to drink anymore we would stick to our normal 2drink max.

 

He said he was sorry and that his behavior was completely disrepectful toward me. I explained my feelings and he understood. He also understands that should this or similiar situations occur again I will not be forgiving.

 

We talked it through and I believe that we have come to an understanding of what is expected.

 

 

Hazeyamber thank you. You are correct there is not more to this issue other than disrepect towards me and how to deal with it so that it does not happen anymore and that he understands that it should have never happened to begin with.

[fashionista007]

Just a thought here...he asked you to marry him and you said no...was he okay with that decision? Maybe this whole ordeal was a ploy to get attention from you and to show you that he is attractive to other females...all this in order to show you that if you don't act fast, he'll get snatched up by some other woman. I might be wrong here, I don't know him personally but if he was so open and blatent about it he definitely wanted you to see it.

[Batya33]

This is great news. I hope you proceed with a "clean slate" for him since he clearly seems sorry and wants to move forward in a positive and productive way. Very brave of you to raise this with him and make sure it was resolved.

[caro33]

I am kind of posting here against my better judgement, because I see it's all worked out, and that's good.

 

I just wanted to weigh in and say that I also would have been upset with the situation, but that I think this sounds like a situation that got away a little from both of you, not just him.

 

By saying yes to going to the strip club against your better wishes I think you were sending confusing signals to your b'f - you basically sanctioned a level of behaviour you were not comfortable with. I think you both exercised some bad judgement, but not anything that is too damning or demonstrative of moral failure. These types of things can happen, I know I have also not established my boundaries as I should have, and we also slip up sometimes. Alcohol helps that!

 

So I just wanted to say good on you for having the chat, good on you for clearing up your boundaries. If this whole event was a blip in an otherwise great relationship, forget about it. Or rather, remember it in the sense that it has been a useful learning experience and hopefully has helped you both understand one another better.

 

Good luck with it all .