I know my father cheated on my mother

[HyruleGuardian]

I work with my father and am around him all the time. I see the way he stares at women and makes rude comments while we're working. He says things like "I'd do her so hard"...stuff like that. Many times he'll be on the phone with women making really inappropriate small talk. Then he tries to pass it off as a customer. He basically thinks I'm his buddy, but it makes me sick to hear him say stuff like this.

 

The other day I was typing something up on his work computer and had to go online. I typed something in on google and found past searches of "Infidelity", "How to cheat without getting caught", "Sex addiction"...you can see the point. It just hurts so bad to have this secret and know I can't do anything about it. If I brought it up to my father he'd probably physically hurt me and never talk to me again, and I can't hurt my mother by bringing it up to her. I feel so torn knowing this. I kind of wish I hadn't found this stuff.

 

Sometimes my father just makes me sick. I have a very bad relationship with him and he thinks things are all fine and dandy. God I hate him for doing this.

[HellFrost666]

Wow... I can't imagine what that must be like. The only advice I can think to give you right now is live above his influence and don't repeat his behavior later on in life.

[philosophia]

tell your mom about it

[musicguy]

I'd say keep it under wraps and tell your mom what's going on

[Dako]

Telling your mother would put you into a three-way struggle where you all come to resent each other.

You father isn't cheating on you, but your mother.

She may already know or suspect, and if not, do you want to bring her the news?

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd ask my father if he loves my mother. Whatever the answer, I'd look him squarely in the eye before leaving him to think. He may hurt you, but not like he's hurting your mother.

[HyruleGuardian]

Wow... I can't imagine what that must be like. The only advice I can think to give you right now is live above his influence and don't repeat his behavior later on in life.

 

I will never be like my father. The only thing we have in common is we look like each other, that's about it. I could never treat people like he does.

 

Telling your mother would put you into a three-way struggle where you all come to resent each other.

You father isn't cheating on you, but your mother.

She may already know or suspect, and if not, do you want to bring her the news?

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd ask my father if he loves my mother. Whatever the answer, I'd look him squarely in the eye before leaving him to think. He may hurt you, but not like he's hurting your mother.

 

I have a feeling she does suspect it, but wouldn't dare say anything because my father is controlling and can get mean. In the past, she has found porn on the home computer, which was my father's. He always denied it was his and basically told her to stop talking about it. She's always felt like she isn't good enough for him.

 

I guess I can try talking to my father, and it would make it obvious that I know something. I'm worried he would lie and deny anything I say, and maybe even get violent. He's done it in the past, so what would make him change now? His life has been based on a lie.

[HellFrost666]

You don't sound like you would treat people like that. I hope it didn't sound like I was implying that.

[HyruleGuardian]

You don't sound like you would treat people like that. I hope it didn't sound like I was implying that.

 

Oh, I know you weren't implying that. I was just saying how different we are.

[yeawutever]

That's sick and yet he doesn't think he can go to jail for sexual harassment. As much as you wanna tell your mom, don't, instead try to bring evidence to her (without she knowing that) about his behavior towards women. Ex: you can leave a type recorder or film and then show it to her or write a letter pretendding to be a woman telling how uncomonfortable you feel and about the comments he's been making. Hopefully your mom one day will find out with what she's dealing with and she either divorce or he'll agree to go to couple counseling and also individual counseling for sex addicts.

[Rabican]

I would simply tell my dad, I am not going to stand by and watch you disrespect and harm mom and not do anything about it. Not only is he being unfaithful, but if hes physically cheating he could be putting her health at risk as well (std's)

 

I would give him the chance to tell her, if he didnt I would do it myself. If you are afraid for your personal safety have a friend, or police officer present if you must.

[eleanorrigby1]

Your father thinks of you as a mate as well as his son and obviously trusts you. Why would you grass him up to your mother?

 

I understand its hard split loyalties and all but like someone said, he is mistreating your mother not you. However I think you need to talk to him. Cant you pop out for a beer and say "You know dad, we get on great and I love that about our relationship, but I really love my mum too ...

 

I dont think in this circumstance you can do anything about it. If you tell your mother what would you achieve? would she leave him or would they just have a big row and then makeup and you will be sat there in the middle with all this resentment coming from and pointed at you?

 

My mother once told me something that could potentially destroy my parents marriage. I love both my parents very much. My mother told me and upon seeing my face at hearing the news she cried and said "You are more than a daughter to me, you are my best friend and if I cant tell you who can i tell or trust?"

 

I would hope that my own flesh and blood would be as trustworthy to me should I have the urge to confess something.

 

It probably sounds like a cliche but normally those talking loudly about 'doing it' and researching how to 'do it' are usually those who just fantasise but dont actually 'do it' you have no proof he has cheated, just that he is a highly sexually charged man and a bit loose with his lips and his humour. I am sure he isnt meaning to hurt anyone and probably doesnt know.

 

Unless you tell him!

[Shadows Light]

The relationship is with your mom and dad. They own that.. not you.

 

It doesn't mean he's not a good dad or a good person. It means that "SOMETHING" might be going or might have gone terribly wrong in your parents relationship.

 

Has nothing to do with you. And it does NOT mean he doesn't LOVE YOU.

 

Its not your responsibility to carry this relationship or fix it. Its theirs.

 

However... if he is physically harming... verbally, mentally or emotionally abusing your mom then... I'd say, step in and talk to your mom.

 

But don't make this a TRIANGLE.... and a power struggle.

 

Don't sweat it.. your mother already KNOWS... "WE" always know. Its just a matter of what she's going to do about it.

 

Not discounting your feelings.... I can well understand that you feel horrible about the situation. There are "NO CLASSES" at school about relationships unfortnately.. and our primary "class room" for learning how a relationship functions is from our parents... NOT THE BEST of teachers a lot of times huh???? Sending you lots of love and light....

[candy604]

are you able to see a counsellor on how to deal with this situation?

[jdtx]

Not that long ago, when I was having serious issues in my own relationship, my mom told me that my dad cheated on her a couple times when my brother and I were young kids. She said that he had been used to having her all to himself for years, and then when the kids came he felt he wasn't getting enough attention ...so he went and got "attention" from someone else. This shocked me. I can't believe she forgave him. I don't think I could forgive betrayal like that. I'm sure she stayed with him for the kids, and honestly, I do think our lives have been all the better for it. The put it behind them and all my life my parents were solid. They were a rock. I never would have suspected something like that had happened. I do think my brother and I turned out reasonably well, that we were better off with a father and a full family, than we would have been if she had left. I can see that. I can't imagine what it would have been like if they had split back then. I just don't know how she could forgive him. I don't think I could do that. Anyway, I've definitely lost a bunch of respect for my father after hearing that, but I have not changed my dealings with him.

 

The way I see it is: ..it was like 20+ yrs ago, and it was between them. If she would manage to forgive him so long ago, and have it now be so far behind us, there isn't much point in me doing or saying anything about it now. That was a long time ago though. If he ever did it again and I found out, I'd probably disown him and possibly threaten physical harm. If I found out that he has been, and is still, cheating on my mom, he'd be no father of mine anymore. I could forgive him for his past incidents, I think mainly because my mom did, it was so long ago, and I never even knew about it. It's weird. I want to hate him, and I certainly can't hold him in as high of regard anymore. But she stayed with him and still loves him, and he's been a good enough husband and father since. So the past is in the past then. But if he pulled the crap again though, that would be a different story.

 

As for this thread, I think you should tell your mom. It's NOT just a betrayal to your mom, contrary to some opinions. He has betrayed the family ..you. Do not think you owe him more loyalty than to your mom, or any at all really. He gave up the right to expect any loyalty from his family after he has abandoned his own. It's likely that your mom suspects or knows what's going on, but if she doesn't, she really deserves to. If she wishes to forgive him or just not care, that's her prerogative. But don't further victimize your mom by being an enabler for his actions. You may want to let him know that you know and give him the chance to come clean on his own. But one way or another your mom needs to know what's going on.

[eleanorrigby1]

He hasnt abandoned his family.

 

He hasnt actually cheated. (or if he has you have no proof)

 

I think all this "tell your mum" is 'honesty is the best policy' gone awry! sometimes the truth wrecks and hurts and sometimes people DONT recover.

 

TELL YOUR FATHER... NOT YOUR MOTHER

[Theson]

I have a say in this situation. Im 16 and through the whole year of 2006 my mom and dad has been splitin up and getting back together and every time its broke her heart more and more. I counted a total of 8 times and it was all beacouse my dad found a nother woman that he cant leave alone. 20 years of marrige by some woman that dosent care about anything at all but money.

 

 

My brother is 20 and is never home so im the one managing school a little over or under 40 hours a week and then tryin to be my moms friend that she can talk to. Theres very high resentment for my father right now. He moved out and in with this woman and took her daughter in better than me and my brother. He takes her daughter where she wants buys her everything and just is a perfect father i never had to her. The divorce papers arnt signed yet there names arent even on them but hes already got a deposit down on a house and there movein in this up coming week. He wont talk to me nor my brother not a how are you, are you ok, nothing. Hes always been an * * * * * * * and been quick tempered, walked away on conversations when he gets mad, obsesses over little stuff and gets off on others weeknesses.

 

 

But i want to be proof to thenext teen that its not the end of the world and it will be ok. Yea itll be hard to afford things but we will manage and so will you. we have to sell our house im gona sell my car to afford insurnce and were gona move. But tomorow will come and thing will slowly start to change. Yea i know that im alot like my father actualy exactly like my father i have all of his action and act just like him except i hate cheating. But just beacosue its all that you have seen or hurd you whole life dosent mean its to late to change. Im 16 and will be a manager at a McAlisters deli this year and yes it has been hard and i have had to bite my tongue just to prove that im a stronger man.

 

I think its completely disrespectful the way hes flauntin his new girlfriend all around when the divorce isnt finalized. But my mom is being the man of this situation. She put the house for sale, shes gatherin divorce papers and talkn to the lawyers. Shes doing everything and tryin to be a good person about it. neitehr one is tryin to screw the other one or leave the other one stranded and i respect my mom so much for how much she is goin threw.

 

 

Sorry this was long or stuiped or useless but i found this fourm looking for somebody in my shoes goin threw or went threw what i did. and i know that one day somebody will do the same and hopefully prove that a stronger man can come out of a bad situation.

 

Thanks for readin

Blake

[radioheader]

blake....wow...i'm sorry you are having to go thru this...that is heavy stuff! i admire you for how you are handling all this...your mom sounds like a real special person...you are lucky to have a mom like that...hang in there...all your hard work is gonna pay off big someday!

 

and remember that therapy does help if it all seems to get overwhelming...many of us on this site have done it and it helps! tell your mom too...sounds like she could use a therpaist or a church pastor...someone to help her get thru this in addition to family....

[Cathy86]

To the very least, I hope it makes you feel better that you are never alone

I also suspect my father of doing something but he's so old it's laughable..then again it still hurts.

 

Like most people have said, talk to your dad not your mum.

It is true what people say about turning things into a triangle. I'm not syaing all the time, but from experience it can make situations worse.

 

You say he treats you like a friend. Does this mean 1. trusts you, confides in you etc etc? or 2. chats to you casually and likes to joke around?

 

These are two different things. If it is hard to talk to your father (about serious and awkward stuff) then I know how you feel. But sometimes you have to put yourself in a surreal and confronting position. I rarely talk about anything with my parents, our relationships don't include much personal communication, but once I had to gather all my courage to confront them about something I strongly felt about.

 

Also, you won't be spending your whole life with this man. One day you'll be married and move out etc etc. You know you love your mother to death. You would do anything for her. Sometimes I'd sit and think physical pain on me is nothing compared to the hurt my mum is/would be feeling.

 

Talk to your dad and tell us how it goes (})(})(})(})

In the meantime keep your head up high, surround yourself with positive people and watch a lot of comedy

 

 

Cathy~

[Theson]

Thank yall so much. I didnt think anybody would respond or think to much ove it. I have a hard time talkn to people thats why i chose a fourm. Ive never been a religious person or understood it. My father can talk to me in txt messages never to my face and all they say are how much he loves me still and wants things to be ok. But how do i know when enuf is enuf. Deep down in side ive had enuf but he keeps coming back for more every time. One thing i have learned from my father was persuasion. He can get his way by talkn he can make things seem so much diffrent and i can to all it takes is time and words. and to me im seeing this and he knows its my moms weekness and hes takn advantage of it and startin to talk her back into it. I know that i wont be here much longer and ill move out so im just telling her to stop worrieing about me so much and what i will think or feel and to worry about how its going to affect her she has to live with him not me. Im never home beacouse of highschool and workn overtime every week.

So im just tellin her to make her self happy but then again i dont want to go threw this again.

 

I just find it hard to talk to people about my feelings i have always been taught to just push it behind and move on. But now its getting harder as lifes getting more and more complex its just getting hard. Fourms are the only way i can talk about any and everything beacouse ill never see the person it just gives me a re assurance feeling.

 

 

So far the update is she talkd to him and asked me if i would get mad if we both moved in with him over at the new house beacouse his girlfriend is no longer there. and the divorce lawyer hasnt returned her phone call today.

 

They always think im a material person. yea i grew up in money but we lost it all in a bad business friend thing so they still think that just beacouse they have a nice pool or its got two stories that itll change things. I just want to be happy and stop seeing my mom get hurt thats all

 

Well let yall know on an update

 

Thanks agian

Blake