I can't deal with it anymore

[renaissancewoman101]

I can't deal with it anymore. I am such a freaking loser. For the last few days I have been flat broke. I dont start school until Monday. Have a part time job now starting when school starts. Just paid the tuition (through loans and some things) and my parents agreed to help me money AGAIN.

 

I am overdrawn on my bank acct, have $0 money with me, have some credit cards, and bills are due.

 

I just got into a MAJOR FIGHT with my dad this time, about the money. And it is so STUPID, on my part. My parents want to split up the money that they are going to give me and I don't want them to. WHY THE HELL DO I WAIT UNTIL I AM OVERDRAWN AND ON MY LAST DOLLAR to ask them for money? WHY?

 

I asked for x, they said they were going to give me "y" right now. Got into a big argument with dad so I can get the WHOLE amount now. They're pissed. Dad says I dont care about them, that all I think about is myself, and that I am bleeding them dry.

 

I know I am! I feel bad about it, but it's like a cycle and it goes on and on. They'll give me the money, I'l feel bad about it for a bit, then in a few weeks, I will be back asking for more money. They yell, cuss, give me the money and so on and so on.

 

My dad tells me he is tired of helping me out. He yells at me. He asks "WHY" and for "HOW MUCH LONGER" (he doenst put me down) but he asks why can't I budget my money.

 

The bad thing is after he gives me this money and the overdraft is taken cared of, I will have about $500 left and I will blow that away on things, like haircuts, highlights, misc spending, and it will all be gone in a week or so.

 

I don't think I ever learned how to budget and I am 33 and I complain about this all the time.

 

I dunno.

[rocio]

Don't get so down on yourself.

Is there any way you can buy savings bonds or something that comes automatically out of your income - kind of like a forced savings that you can access in case of emergency?

[renaissancewoman101]

I don't really have an income right now. I didn't work this last year. I start my part time job next week.

 

And I've gone through all my savings, COMPLETELY!!!!!

 

I wish someone would just take me outside and shoot me.

 

The weird thing is sometimes I think I perptuate this cycle like I keep going back to my parents for doses of put downs and I do more and more things that drive them nuts and get them to hate me and put me down more.

 

It is like a vicious cycle and I dont understand why I put myself through this.

 

For example, I know I shoudnt wait till the last minute to ask them for money, i shouldnt ask that for THAT much and so often, and I know the way I am doing it is just gonna piss my mom and dad off even more. I put off things, get worried, then wait till the last minute and do the same FREAKING thing over and over again, each time my parents are getting more and more pissed off.

 

It is like I am challenging them to disown me or drop me out of their lives. Or else I am testing them to see how much they love me? I shouldnt do that

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi Renaissance Woman,

 

Hmmm. I don't know, I've been in debt in my life, and because I've never had anyone to bail me out with money, I've had to learn the really hard way how to budget my money, because that really is IT!

 

You need to write down all your expenses for the month/year. And all your income. Draw up a budget for everything, and be realistic. So include rent, rates, bills, health, phone - EVERYTHING. See how much you have left each month to live on, split it by 4.

 

What I've also done that really helps (picked from tv shows!) is to:

i), Write down EVERYTHING I spend each day - you can see how much you spend on coffees/make-up/cards/taxis etc and decide how to cut back

ii). Take out your weekly 'free' money in CASH. And when it's gone, it's gone. That helps curb all those little trips to the cash machine

iii). Take your own lunch in to work

iv). Shop carefully - always have a list and plan what you're going to eat

v). Use the library

 

It's actually really liberating to take control of your money, and it becomes a real buzz when you stop feeling out of control. I'm sure you can do it, you just need to sit down and honestly evaluate your financial life and look at everything that's going on, and be realistic about drawing up a budget.

 

Good luck!

[rocio]

When you start your part time job, you can have savings automatically deducted from your paycheck.

 

I don't know what you have in the U.S. but here we have Canadian Savings Bonds.

 

You can just get $50 per paycheck or something affordable taken out.. After 6 months you have $300 in case of brokeness! It's usually free to access, but not as convenient as a bank account. So you tend to leave it there.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Hey RW!

 

I think that you keep on falling into the same pattern of borrowing money and not paying back because its easy to get the money... you just ask.

 

Wait until there a comes a time when you are FLAT broke and you have NO money and you have to do without and then you'll learn to save your money/use your money more wisely.

 

trust me - been there done that...lol

 

you just have to make a promise to yourself and keep that promise ..that you won't use that money for anything but what you need to survive. Remind yourself how you feel right now - this minute- after having a fight with your dad and feeling like a loser....- and ask yourself if you really want to feel this way?

 

Is what you are about to buy worth breaking a promise to yourself?

[renaissancewoman101]

Personally, I think this whole thing is more ingrained than just the "money". I can do things to help me out of this hole. I dont have to wait till the last minute and then jump on my parents to help me (they really HATE that). I just dont do it.

 

Part of me thinks this cycle occurs because I think badly of myself and dont think I deserve anything so, in a way, me not supporting myself and me going back to my parents and pleading with them to help me out and listening to them tell me how irresponsible I am, before helping me out, is my way of reaffirming that I am a loser and I dont deserve anything good in my life.

 

It is as though I seek out bad things in my life becuase I am comfortable with that.

 

I do know the underlying reasoning behind all this.

 

I just don't know how to break out of it.

[Honey Pumpkin]

What would happen if they refused to bail you out? Would it honestly be the kick you need, to break this cycle? Because you're all trapped in a pattern - you go to them, they tell you off, you feel like a little girl. Maybe you feel safe doing it this way? Because - I dont' know how to phrase this - it sounds like you're a teenager, rather than an adult. How about taking the money as a structured loan instead? Or taking a part-time job? It does sound really complex, I can understand that you are ambivalent about this.

[renaissancewoman101]

If my parents refused to help me out, I don't know what I'd do. Probably do anything in my power to find a full time job. I dunno.

 

I feel like a loser. I am going to post another thread later on this evening asking for help about my feelings on this whole thing (the money issue is just a symptom).

[Honey Pumpkin]

Sweetheart, I'm not getting at you. I'm just saying that because I've never had the chance of being bailed out, it gives me a different perspective. Sometimes we all get stuck in patterns, and it suits EVERYONE to follow the same cycle. Without even realising why, if that makes sense. Because I suspect your parents enjoy holding the purse strings, however nicely, because it keeps you in a subordinate role. And I think you might rely on that sense of being 'bailed out' by a grown-up. I don't know, it's really complex. I think you can cope on your own just fine, because I've read your posts, and know how terrific and smart you are!

 

Don't beat yourself up about it, I think the fact that you are trying to figure it out is hugely important. I always appreciate your honesty here, it's very refreshing and very brave.

[renaissancewoman101]

HoneyPumpkin, I am not dissing you or anything. I just feel very frustrated about life, like there are so many possibilities for me, so many choices, so many things going on, and yet I would rather just not deal with them.

 

I just went food shopping and spent $15 on dinner tonight. I have no idea how to budget or anything.

 

I have a haircut and highlight tomorrow that is NOT going to be cheap either.

 

Maybe I just live in denial of things.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think you do know how to budget... but you just don't choose to take adult responsibility for yourself...

 

I would suggest that you ask your parents for money to attend counseling, or else find some free counseling services... it is very self destructive to have no money, and to 'treat' yourself to expensive dinners and hair treatments, and expect your parents to support your lifestyle... that is not a criticism of you, but a recognition that something is wrong, that at your age you expect to act like an adolescent and be taken care of by parents...

 

so if you want this cycle to stop, i think you needs psychological treatment to help you understand why you behave this way... at this point, it is not a question of budgeting, since you know you are spending too much and still dependent on your parents and hate yourself for it. it is a question of really getting treatment to understand why this is a compulsion for you... you might need medication or else counseling to help you not be afraid about being an adult, and assuming adult responsbility for yourself...

[Juliana]

Your fury over this is actually a positive sign. I tell my friends, if it weren't for my panic attacks, I'd never get anything done.

 

School is expensive, and all the students I know are pretty much perpetually broke. Haircuts are not a luxury; you are trying to build relationships and friendships, and it's important to boost your self-esteem. Dinner isn't a luxury, either. What I would suggest is that you go to the library and invest in a couple of cookbooks and a book on budgeting. You need a haircut, you need to eat, but maybe both could be done less expensively? I learned to cut my own hair by watching the stylist; I only go for a "real" haircut about twice a year, and I use henna, that I can put in at home, not chemical dyes, which are expensive (although you can't use henna until the chemical dyes in your hair now are over six months old, or it will turn your hair green! ).

 

You can get alot of groceries for $15. Check with your butcher to see which cuts of meat are less expensive. In my area, I can actually get soup bones for free, which means that with an onion and some dried legumes, I can feed four people for about $1.50. Learning to cook inexpensively and learning to stretch your money are life skills we pick up once we leave home. You're very smart, and I know you can do this.

[itsallgrand]

Ren,

 

If you want to end this now. If you want to end this.

 

Get together with your dad and tell him you wish to be cut off. You have a job now. You won't be left in the cold without a way to support yourself. He may even agree or decide he wishes to give you some 'start-off' money.

 

Then that is it.

Tell him clearly "No matter if I cry, beg, or tell you that I am hungry, DON'T GIVE ME MONEY".

 

It is clear to me that your parents are just as invested in keeping you dependent as you are 'stuck' in getting out of this cycle.

 

So you must be the one to step up.

 

It won't kill ya but it will make you stronger. Then, you'll be the one asking "how can I get cheap highlights and make yummy dinners without paying out the bumhole?"